The Art of Darkness

Get Out the Eye Bleach

January 17th, 2013 by Cobwebs

Sexy HookWhilst looking for images for yesterday’s post, I kept running up against images like the one at left in my search results. In the spirit of complete WTF-ery, I went looking for the artist…and it turns out there’s more than one. Lots more.

The Captain Hook image is by deviantART member lcslayer, whose other works in this vein include Jafar, Hades, and a really skanky-looking Cruella deVil.

The motherlode for male models appears to be David Kawena, whose stuff looks like airbrushed photos and will make sure that you never look at another Disney hero with innocent eyes. Woof.

There’s a lot of Disney heroine artwork that’s straight-up pornography, which tends to be boring; some artists who do more pinup-style drawings include Camus Altamirano (I particularly like his Sally), biaani and j-scott-campbell; he apparently produces calendars based on his drawings.

Although none of the stuff in any of these galleries show any really naughty bits, I think it goes without saying that none of these links are particularly safe for work. Or for one’s childhood memories.

Posted in Paint It Black | 4 Comments »

Death is Not an Option

January 16th, 2013 by Cobwebs

It’s time for another round of Death is Not an Option! The rules, as always, are simple: Given the choice of a pair of people, you have to decide which one you’d rather sleep with; choosing death instead is not an option. This time it’s Disney Villains.

The Magnificent Mustaches Matchup
Captain Hook   Shan Yu
Captain Hook (Peter Pan) vs. Shan Yu (Mulan)

The Wicked Stepmother Matchup
Evil Queen   Lady Tremaine
Evil Queen (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs) vs. Lady Tremaine (Cinderella)

The Musclebound Bullies Matchup
Brom Bones   Gaston
Brom Bones (The Legend of Sleepy Hollow) vs. Gaston (Beauty and the Beast)

The Evil Schemers Matchup
Maleficent   Mother Gothel
Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty) vs. Mother Gothel (Tangled)

The Tall and Skinny Matchup
Doctor Facilier   Jafar
Doctor Facilier (The Princess and the Frog) vs. Jafar (Aladdin)

The Pleasingly Plump Matchup
Queen of Hearts   Ursula
Queen of Hearts (Alice in Wonderland) vs. Ursula (The Little Mermaid)

The Scary Demonic Guys Matchup
Chernabog   Horned King
Chernabog (Fantasia) vs. Horned King (The Black Cauldron)

The Crazy Bitches Matchup
Yzma   Cruella
Yzma (The Emperor’s New Groove) vs. Cruella de Vil (101 Dalmatians)

The Uncomfortably Anthropomorphic Animals Matchup
Professor Ratigan   Prince John
Professor Ratigan (The Great Mouse Detective) vs. Prince John (Robin Hood)

The Madam/e Matchup
Madam Mim   Madame Medusa
Madam Mim (The Sword in the Stone) vs. Madame Medusa (The Rescuers)

The Death Should Really Be an Option Matchup
Governor Ratcliffe   Claude Frollo
Governor Ratcliffe (Pocahontas) vs. Claude Frollo (The Hunchback of Notre Dame)

Leave your choices in the comments. And remember…Death is not an option.

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 6 Comments »

Nourishing Skin Oil

January 15th, 2013 by Cobwebs

Oil BottleHere’s a “skin food” that’s super-easy to make and is wonderful for dry, cracked skin. Most of the ingredients are available at the grocery store; wheat germ oil, vitamin E, and essential oils can be found at health food stores or online at soapmaking suppliers like From Nature with Love.

If you don’t want a citrusy fragrance, you can substitute another essential oil of your choice; make sure that you use “essential” rather than “fragrance” oil, since the latter can sometimes irritate skin. Also make sure that the essential oil itself isn’t too harsh; some resinous ones like rosemary can be a problem if you use too much. (And, of course, since there’s peanut oil in this, watch for peanut allergies. You can substitute sweet almond oil if necessary.) In the summertime, you can also add several drops of citronella essential oil to ward off insects.

Erszabet’s Perfection Skin Oil

1 oz. soybean oil
1 oz. corn oil
1 oz. peanut oil
1 oz. safflower oil
1 oz. wheat germ oil
1 oz. vitamin E liquid
3 drops orange essential oil
3 drops lemon essential oil

Shake together thoroughly and store in a pretty bottle (instructions for making the one shown above are here). Rub on skin, avoiding eyes, as desired.

This will last longer if stored in a dark place that’s not overly warm, but will still keep for 6 months or so on a bathroom shelf.

Posted in Doom It Yourself | No Comments »


January 14th, 2013 by Cobwebs

Artist Brian Andrews creates “photo composites made from human and veterinary images,” resulting in “hominid creatures.” He’s now animated some of them into a short film. You weren’t planning to sleep ever again, were you?

(via BoingBoing)

Posted in Whatever | 2 Comments »

9 1/2 Link Dumps

January 11th, 2013 by Cobwebs

Steampunk Wreath – Technically it’s a Christmas wreath, but the same idea could be used for a year-’round decoration.

Temporary Tattoo Tutorial – Hey, neat; I didn’t know there was such a thing as temporary tatoo paper for inkjet printers.

It’s the Army of Darkness, Charlie Brown! – It amuses me particularly that his chest hair matches the hair on his head. The poster is available for purchase here.

Baby Beanie – How to keep from offending people when breastfeeding in public. (NSFW)

Neil Gaiman Writes Comic for Fan Tattoo – a) This is a-mazing. b) Gaiman could probably have a second profession just designing tattoos for ardent fans. (Hat tip to WitchArachne)

Golden Snitch Truffles – These fall into the “a lot of work but the results look great” category of projects.

Mrs McGettrick’s Fuggler Emporium – Horrifying stuffed toys featuring plastic human teeth, many wielding weapons. The product descriptions are just splendid, including the disclaimer, “Mrs McGettrick’s Fugglers are not suitable for people who have ever harboured a suspicion that toys can come alive at night.”

Wraith Hoodie – LOTR-inspired “ringwraith” hoodie.

Knit Shark Socks – The fact that these come with little velcro-attachable remoras make me want to kiss the designer flat on the mouth. (She talks about their eventual availability for purchase here.)

Pinup Girl Clothing – Lots of pretty retro-esque clothing and accessories. I particularly like the Haunted Housewife and the Heartbreaker.

Posted in Link Dump | 3 Comments »

More Comment-as-Microfiction

January 10th, 2013 by Cobwebs


A while back I mentioned a BoingBoing post wherein one of the comments was a splendid bit of microfiction. This appears to be an ongoing thing over there; they recently posted a video of a guy in a quadcopter encountering a rather puzzled moose. Commenter allium responded with this bit of brilliance:

“Rocky…is that you? My God, what did those Pottsylvanian bastards do to you?”

It was my own government that did this, I think in jagged letters ten feet tall. Of course after the cyborging I can only talk in Bluetooth, 802.11, and half a dozen classified military frequencies, and I left my loudspeaker module back at the base during my escape, so all Agent B hears are the chainsaw buzz of my rotors. He only knows it’s me because the boys under Groom Lake painted a cartoon of…what I was…on my fuselage. As a joke. They thought it was hilarious.

So I yaw back and forth, hoping he’ll interpret that as a “no”.

Steam rises from B’s nostrils as he tosses his massive, antlered head back. “When I see Fearless Leader again. I’m gonna pull a can of whoop-ass out of my hat!”

By the Great Acorn Above, he’s dense. I dispense some eka-meth from my internal drug reservoirs to focus; two point eight seconds later I come to a decision and warm up the excimer.

“But wait a second…the Admiral told me you were dead! He spoke at your funeral! He…” B trails off as he sees words of fire appear vertically in the bark of the trees in front of him, one word per trunk. My targeting system is very precise – assassination tools generally are.


Two hours later and thirty miles to the west, B paws at a nondescript hillock of frozen earth to uncover the squirt transmitter we buried there after the Upsidasium Affair. As dirt flies into the air, I idly wonder whether there’s room for a squirrel brain in a Metal-Munching Mouse chassis, and how long it would take to get through a certain flag officer’s sternum with its gleaming titanium teeth.

I love the idea of a cyberpunk spy thriller starring Rocky and Bullwinkle. (The references to Cloyd and Gidney and their metal-munching mice make it particularly wonderful.)

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

Make a Miniature Stonehenge

January 9th, 2013 by Cobwebs

Mini Stonehenge

I’ve mentioned terrarium cemeteries before, and here’s a similar, equally splendid idea: A miniature meadow featuring a teensy Stonehenge.

This garden is by Two Green Thumbs, a site devoted to miniature gardens. There’s no information on the materials used, but the greenery looks like Irish moss and I suspect that the stones might be made from polymer clay. This would be super-simple to create–you could even go to a hardware store and get flagstones cut to shape if you felt like being particularly authentic–and would be a striking addition to a patio (or even a windowsill if you made it small enough).

The Two Green Thumbs site and accompanying blog are also a wealth of ideas for other miniature gardens, including “fairy gardens:” Full miniature landscapes with tiny furnishings (benches, paved pathways, etc.) and real plants. They’re an interesting cross between dollhouses and gardening, and there’s plenty of ways to make them spooky; indeed, a number of the ideas on the blog are Halloweenish in nature.

This would be a fun, easy project and would also make an interesting gift.

Bonus Link: When I was looking for the source of the original photo I ran across Clonehenge, a site devoted to Stonehenge replicas.

(Hat tip to WitchArachne)

Posted in Unhallowed Ground | 6 Comments »

Comic Book Shoes

January 8th, 2013 by Cobwebs

Comic Book ShoesI’m sure I’ve mentioned decoupage as a way to decorate shoes before now, but Anomalous Musings has a particularly nice tutorial on how to customize with comic books.

Step 1: Cut up your comic book.

I know, I know – that’s like promoting sacrilege, but it’ll be worth it. Just don’t just do it haphazardly. Go through the book looking for the scenes, characters, speech bubbles, and lettering that you want to feature. I would recommend nothing much bigger than about silver dollar-sized. If in doubt, hold it up against your shoes and see if it’ll lay flat. (I wound up with a bunch of stuff that was too big, because I didn’t actually look at the shoes while cutting).

You can easily find suitable comics at thrift stores and eBay–I’m thinking particularly of the old “Tomb of Dracula” stuff or the wonderfully gruesome pre-comics-code E.C. Comics publications like “Vault of Horror” and “Tales from the Crypt.”

Carefully selecting images and word balloons will result in a fascinating, and completely unique, pair of shoes. Leftovers that are too big for the shoes could be made into earrings or a pendant.

Posted in Doom It Yourself | 1 Comment »

I Have Your Heart

January 7th, 2013 by Cobwebs

This is weird and sweet.

There’s a site detailing the production here and the song is downloadable here.

Posted in Whatever | 1 Comment »

A Link Dump with a View

January 4th, 2013 by Cobwebs

Eyeball Creep – This is one of the most horrifying “My Little Pony” mods I’ve seen to date.

Christopher Lee Releases Heavy Metal Christmas Songs – 90-year-old actor Christopher Lee is a man of many parts.

Alchemy Works – Witchcraft supply shop that sells hard-to-find seeds such as Nightshade and Wolfsbane.

Til Death Do Us Part – Search term on Pinterest that turns up a heap of goth wedding-related stuff, from cakes to tattoos.

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal – :::giggle:::

The Macabre Mini-World of Jim Doran – Neat little papercraft mortality tableaux housed in things like Altoid tins.

Better After – Blog devoted to DIY furniture and room makeovers. I like this and this in particular.

Demonic Flat Tires – The “puncture fiend” in this vintage tire ad is pretty much the best thing ever.

The Worst Things for Sale – Amusing blog with bitter commentary on products that somebody, somewhere, thought people would actually buy.

Glow-in-the-Dark Mosaic Tiles – I didn’t know these existed, but they add all kinds of ambience.

Posted in Link Dump | 3 Comments »

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