Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
— ceejoyner

How much do my dead bfs ashes weigh? Enough to break the ice. I’m Stephanie.
— smickable

If you think about it, a skeleton is chewing all your food.
— HidetakaMiyazak

Grown ups ask kids, “What do you want to do when you grow up?” because we’re looking for ideas.
— wesjohnson8

SO TIRED of clapping happily when a kid takes more than 1 try to blow out birthday candles. His wish is screwed, why are we ignoring this
— KenJennings

To me manslaughter sounds way worse than murder. They should change it to something like murder-whoopsie.
— WHEREISWALTJNR

yes we still need feminism
the lack of female serial killers is no accident, women are discouraged from serial killing at a young age
— mallelis

Having a pet in the house is good. You can blame all suspicious sounds on it when your in bed. *BANG* What was that!?…it was just the fish
— FillWerrell

I wish TV shows were like sports: held a draft & traded actors mid-season. “AMC picks up Peter Dinklage to finish season six as Don Draper.”
— screencuisine

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
— ceejoyner