If reincarnation is real, I wonder if I’ve ever read anything about my previous life without realizing it.
— rShowerThoughts

Dads in horror movies always have the most chill explanations.
“Our son is covered in pentagrams!”
Well maybe he’s just allergic to dairy.
— robfee

“You fought valiantly, soldiers. May your bodies one day interrupt an important infrastructure project.”
– ancient burial
— ReimannCometh

don’t worry about hipster zombies, they won’t eat anyone you know
— GrantTanaka

[me, attempting to communicate with the dead] “hey u up lol”
[ouija board spells out “READ AT 11:57 PM”]
— timcuckley

Sex with me is like tossing a hotdog down a hallway. It’s a lot more fun than you expected.
— justabloodygame

the only real downside of being a virgin is that u can literally be used as a blood sacrifice at any given moment
— cheezetits

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice
— rShowerThoughts

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
— WheelTod

We are gathered here today because SOMEBODY *glares at coffin* couldn’t stay alive.
— donutsornonuts