The Art of Darkness

Seen Online

July 23rd, 2019 by Cobwebs

There are two wolves inside you. One is Virginia Woolf. The other is Beowulf. You are an Introduction to English Literature syllabus.

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

my body is less of a “temple” and more of a rotting 19th century mansion rumored to be haunted by several wicked and vengeful spirits

Ladyhawke, except instead of being a hawk, Michelle Pfeiffer is a furious goose.
hayBEARS (The rest of the thread is pretty great too.)

Have found myself going “oh, there’s a nice piece of furniture” while watching What We Do In The Shadows and also Only Lovers Left Alive recently and I’m slowly coming to the realization that I have the interior decorating sense of a set dresser shopping for a vampire house

principal: we called your dad
me: fuck
principal: he didn’t answer
me: oh nice
principal: so we called your grandpa
me: but he’s been dead for years
principal: too bad
me: what’d he say
principal: grandpa’s comin
me: what
*a chill wind blows*
principal: grandpa’s comin

So I bought lemonade from these little girls’ lemonade stand and as I was leaving one of them yelled “You’re welcome for the lemonade and good luck fighting the dragon!” so now I’m slightly concerned about how the rest of my day is going to go

Food Network Gothic
• You must beat Bobby Flay. He could be anywhere. Under your bed, in your car, standing right behind your door. He’s biding his time. But when he reveals himself, you Must. Beat. Him.
• The Wontons, long forgotten, haunt your every waking moment. Sometimes you wake up at night to the faint sound of bubbling oil.
• Nobody really leaves Flavor Town.
• Iron Chef. Titanium Chef. Diamond Chef. Carbon Fiber Chef.
• In every dark space, you see the glowing outline of Alton Brown’s grin. You can’t tell what his intentions are.
• The Chairman somersaults through your dreams, cackling.

Concept: with the trend toward smaller family sizes in the modern era, certain prognostically significant genealogical configurations have gone from rare to practically nonexistent, to the point that incumbent destinies are increasingly obliged to take what they can get. So it is that our intrepid protagonist, as the only seventh daughter of a seventh daughter for several thousand miles in any direction, finds herself the simultaneous Chosen One of four unrelated and seemingly mutually exclusive prophesies.

[using Ouija board]
“yo Chad, can you hear us?”
“this is gonna take a while, Chad died in 1999.”

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »