The Art of Darkness

Seen Online

April 27th, 2020 by Cobwebs

Thesis: vampires are so melodramatic as a form of behavioural infosec. While their bewildering collections of odd mannerisms make it easy to clock them as vampires, they also make it extremely difficult to tell which of those mannerisms stem from some esoteric weakness or strange limitation on their vampire powers, and which are just them being extra.

You are only called Doctor if you are from the doctorate region of academia, otherwise it’s just sparkling nerd.

Werewolf: *transforming* You have to go, now! I don’t want you to see me like this…
Human s/o: Don’t push me away! I’m not afraid of you!!
Werewolf: No no I’m just really dumb as a wolf and I don’t want you to see me bark at a mirror for two hours

SARUMAN (kneeling before a Palantir): What is thy will, Sauron, lord of Middle-Earth?
SARUMAN: Forgive Mr. Sneebles, lord! I’ll move him.

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

Advice podcast in a fantasy setting with questions like “I love my werewolf girlfriend but she has a fierce territorial dispute with the neighbour’s St Bernard. How can I let my girlfriend know I’m on her side and I love her but also let her know that I think she shouldn’t be arguing with a literal puppy without upsetting her”

ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

a “horror” movie about a demon baby, but the parents are chill with it and treat them normally.

“There’s a circle of fire on the front lawn” “Looks like it’s somebody’s naptime”

“Hon, the baby’s on the ceiling again.” “Hold on, i’ll get the broom”

“The baby’s speaking in strange tongues” “Raising children bilingually has so many benefits”


Of course I have body issues, I can’t turn into a fucking wolf.

Don’t let anyone tell you that collecting baseball cards or golf balls or stamps or wine corks is somehow more valid or acceptably grownup than collecting plush owls or swords or animal bones found in the woods or the souls of the dead. It’s not.

Posted in Funny Peculiar | No Comments »

Notes on a Plague Mask

April 18th, 2020 by Cobwebs

So how about that global pandemic, huh? Didn’t see that one coming.

With widespread shortages of protective equipment, homemade masks have become a common DIY project. Having: a) A lot of time on my hands, and b) A truly staggering amount of scrap fabric*, I’ve been making a lot of masks for my community.** I’ve been using the instructions in Button Counter’s excellent tutorial, but I’ve streamlined the process a bit. With an assembly-line approach, you can turn out a metric assload*** of masks in a short amount of time.

Here are my notes on the basic instructions:

  • You can cut this all out with scissors, but a cutting mat and rotary cutter will make your life a zillion times easier. You should be able to stack fabric and cut out three or four masks at once.
  • The 14″ measurement of the main piece of fabric is the up/down direction, so if you use fabric with a directional pattern make sure that the 14″ side lines up with the fabric pattern.
  • The shorter measurement of the two smaller strips of fabric is supposed to be 1.75″, but 2″ is a lot easier to eyeball on a cutting mat and it doesn’t make any difference to the finished mask. Also the strips have to be at least 6″ long, but since you’re going to be cutting them down anyway they can be longer. Instead of cutting an 8″x14″ piece of fabric for the main part of the mask and then cutting two 6″x2″ strips separately, it’s faster to just cut an 8″x18″ piece of fabric and then cut two 8″x2″ strips off one end.
  • Instead of marking one pleat, folding it, and then marking the next pleat from that, mark these measurements starting at the bottom (the pressed seam) of the mask: 1.5″, 2.5″, 3″, 4″ 4.5″, 5.5″
  • There’s no real need to mark the pleats across the entire width of the mask, since they’re only basted at the edges. If you only mark the edges you can just use a pencil instead of a washable fabric pen because the markings will be hidden in the seams.
  • Instead of pinning the pleats, basting them, then pinning the elastic and basting it, pin the elastic in place after you pin the pleats and then just baste the whole thing once.

Good luck! And if you’re American, make sure you’re registered to vote and remember to vote blue in November. Because this :::gestures broadly::: is some bullshit.


*I was just using Halloween prints–because spiders and skulls are always in fashion–but since I expect I’ll be doing this for a while I decided to just lean into it and ordered some of this.

**Like employees at the local grocery store whose management wasn’t providing any. Information about how to unionize may or may not have been included in the package.

***0.67 imperial arseloads.

Posted in Doom It Yourself | 1 Comment »

Love in the Time of Link Dumps

April 17th, 2020 by Cobwebs

Special thanks in this link dump to Pixel Pixie, who submitted fully half of the content this week.

Wrecks of HMS Erebus and HMS Terror National Historic Site – As submitterator extraordinare Pixel Pixie put it, “Shipwrecks are totally goth, right?” They certainly are.

ASMR Videos – Pleasantly creepy ‘toon.

Five MORE Monster-Themed Restaurants to Die For! – A sequel to the roundup posted a couple of weeks ago. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Patchwork Plague Doctor Mask – Instructions for making a weirdly adorable mask.

Vampire Boyfriend – Hilarious collection of cartoons. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Reasons why I would be the worst main character in a horror movie – I sort of love the idea of stuff like this happening in a horror movie and the main character just shrugs.

Disney Haunted Mansion Rain & Thunderstorm – Ten hours of relaxing (haunted) thunderstorm sounds. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

This is my house. – Sweet little ficlet about a haunted house with new occupants.

Bargaining with the Fae – Amusing ‘toon.

Powers of Darkness – This “lost version of Dracula” is, as my favorite submitterator Pixel Pixie put it: “It boils down to the first Icelandic translator of Dracula decided to write erotic fan fic instead.”

Posted in Link Dump | 1 Comment »

Last Link Dump on the Left

April 3rd, 2020 by Cobwebs

Manos: The Hands of Felt – Someone decided to do an all-muppet version of Manos: The Hands of Fate and I don’t know what to say about it. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

ASMR Ambient Atmosphere Mixes – (For your very specific needs.) Titles include “Haunted campout in a northern forest where strange beasts lurk in the distance and whispers of the unquiet dead keep you awake through the long dark night” and “Man has pleasant vanilla sex with a monster in cheap motel bed.”

Five Monster-Themed Restaurants to Die For – Road trip! (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Hallowedding Quilt – This gorgeous quilt was made as a gift for a Halloween wedding.

The Pestilence Doctor – Gorgeous stylized crow/plague doctor mask. (Hat tip to xJane)

Rejected Princesses – “Women too awesome, awful, or offbeat for kids’ movies.”

Skull Pop-Up Card – Free pattern and instructions for making a cute pop-up skull that would be perfect for greeting cards or party invitations.

Pandemic! – Useful information from the Eldritch Defense Force. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Call of Cthulhu Coloring Book – Chaosium has made this a free download.

Catacombes de Paris – The famous catacombs offer an online virtual visit. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Posted in Link Dump | 1 Comment »