The Art of Darkness

Death is Not an Option

June 11th, 2012 by Cobwebs

It’s time for another round of Death is Not an Option! The rules, again, are simple: Given the choice of a pair of people, you have to decide which one you’d sleep with; choosing death instead is not an option. This time we’re letting two movie juggernauts go head to head.

The Heroes with Humble Beginnings Matchup
Harry Potter   Frodo Baggins
Harry Potter vs. Frodo Baggins

The Gutsy Heroines Matchup
Hermione Granger   Arwen Undómiel
Hermione Granger vs. Arwen

The Loyal Sidekicks Matchup
Ron Weasley   Sam Gamgee
Ron Weasley vs. Sam Gamgee

The Ultimate Bad Guy Matchup
Voldemort   Sauron
Voldemort vs. Sauron

The Excessively Hairy Dude Matchup
Hagrid   Gimli
Hagrid vs. Gimli

The Blond (Male) Matchup
Lucius Malfoy   Legolas
Lucius Malfoy vs. Legolas

The Blond (Female) Matchup
Luna Lovegood   Eowyn
Luna Lovegood vs. Éowyn

The Creepy Little Bald Guys Matchup
Dobby   Gollum
Dobby vs. Gollum

The Badass Wizard Matchup
Dumbledore   Gandalf
Dumbledore vs. Gandalf

The Scruffy-Looking Hero Matchup
Sirius Black   Aragorn
Sirius Black vs. Aragorn

The Scary Black Hooded Thing Matchup
Dementor   Nazgul
Dementor vs. Nazgul

The Bad Guy Who Dies Doing the Right Thing Matchup
Severus Snape   Boromir
Severus Snape vs. Boromir


Leave your choices in the comments (feel free to expand on why you made each choice). And remember…Death is not an option.

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 7 Comments »

7 Responses

  1. Empress Pam Says:

    Harry…even though I like Frodos curly hair

    Arwen…because Hermione looks like she’s in 7th grade in this pic

    Sam…I do love me some Redheaded men but Ron is too…weasely for me ;)

    Voldemort…slightly better teeth

    Hagrid…if he’s going to be a hairy beast at least he can be hairy and cuddly

    Legolas…the less sinister of the two

    Eowyn…I have no idea who either of these 2 ladies are…but Luna looks like she’s 12. lol

    Dobby…love a creature with substantial ears

    Dumbledore…just because

    Aragon…just…yummy

    Nazgul…no particular reason

    Both…3way anyone?

  2. joasakura Says:

    I hate to say it, But the LOTR cast wins hands down for me. I mean mainly because holy hell Viggo Mortensen and Sean Bean.

    In the case of Dobby vs. Gollum and Voldemort vs. Sauron, well, everyone loses. XD

  3. pensive Says:

    Empress Pam kills me with her 3 way suggestion. Snape was my favorite character in the books because Harry (much like Frodo) was a whiny bitch and I wanted him to just hurry up and die already.

    And then the casting happened. *swoon*

    However, since we’re going with characters and not actors, I vote Boromir on the last one. Sean Bean would drive me batshit crazy, but, you know: Boromir.

    Yes, I know. I hate myself for this. Going to light candles on my Alan Rickman shrine as penance.

  4. WitchArachne Says:

    Harry: Frodo was just a bit too whiny and wimpy for me. Not that Harry didn’t also become excessively emo at points, but he’s just better looking too.

    Hermione Granger: Because I am one of those people who thinks Emma Watson is the most beautiful woman currently alive.

    Sam Gamgee: He’s co-dependent, loyal and is the giant gay Robin to Frodo’s whingy, limping Batman. He HAS to have some reserves of manliness in there somewhere, and I think they’d be roaring to come out. All that repression has an effect on a guy.

    Since I guess I HAVE to choose here I’m going with Voldemort. Sauron looks too pointy to be comfortable.

    Gimli. I imagine Hagrid could be quite dangerous when excited.

    OK THIS is a difficult choice. Lucius is just so… snakey and desirable. But I think, like Sam, Legolas has some repressed manliness to rediscover, and that could be fun, so: him.

    Eowyn. She’d be making the actual choice to be there, and she’d be sexy and gutsy and feminine. Luna just seems like she’s constantly drugged and that would be eight shades of creepy.

    I’m pretty sure my vagina just withered away when faced with this choice. I guess Dobby because he’s less likely to try and bite something vital off. Also magic.

    Gandalf. I just get a more commanding presence vibe from him. Also Dumbledore just seems like someone’s grandpa that just happens to be magical.

    Aragorn. As cool as Gary Oldman is, I don’t find him all that attractive, and Aragorn is the hottest that Viggo Mortenson has ever been.

    Nazgul. I’ve had enough soul-sucking sex before without the dementor, thanks.

    Oh COME ON. You can’t make me choose here.
    So I’m not going to. I’ll have both. Ta.

  5. Danielle Says:

    I think your picture of Sauron is actually the Mouth of Sauron. Sauron doesn’t have quite that bad dental hygiene (though he hides his face behind a helmet so who knows).

  6. xJane Says:

    Humble Heroes So, I’m going to have to use outside experience for this one because my gut says “both at once!!!” but Elijah is crazy creepy in Sin City and, although I didn’t see it, Daniel was hot as fuck in ads for Equus. Which also kind of makes me think he might be hung like one.

    Gutsy Heroines Hermione all the way, baby.

    Sidekicks I don’t think Sam would be interested in me.

    Bad Guy Sauron has teeth‽ I guess Sauron: Voldemort never managed to rule much of anything but Sauron was lord of the marbles for most of 3 movies.

    Hairy I’ll go with Gimli’s ass ax.

    Blond ♂ LEGOLAS!!!

    Blond ♀ LEGOLAS!!! Because really, who are those others?

    Creepy & Bald Well, you know, Gollum wasn’t always creepy. Okay, he was always creepy, but he didn’t start out bald. I don’t know where I’m going with this.

    Bad Ass I really can’t choose but both at once is kind of odd, for some reason, in this case. So: consecutively.

    Scruffy LEGOLAS!!! Wait, no, Aragorn. Totally hot but with that chick with the crazy lips. Although, I will give him this: I bet she sucks like a vacuum.

    Scary Black Thing Are you racist?

    Bad Guy I’m glad I don’t have to fight Pensive Pumpkin for Snape on this one.

  7. Maven Says:

    With the exception of Gandalf, it’s HP all the way.

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