just once when an actress is asked “what’s your beauty secret?” i want her to coyly smile, pop her head off with both hands, & bats fly out
— aparnapkin

wish you could add titles to official government records, like yeah I’m Ruben Ferdinand, The Unquelled Darkness, that’s me
— urbanfriendden

the year is 1888
me, the first palaeontologist to dig up a triceratops skull, whispering softly: what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuckkkk
— captainshroom

ok look if you’re gonna be a cannibal don’t start with someone’s intestines
do you see carnivores doing that? no. they focus on muscle tissue
damn
— am_anatiala

MOVIE IDEA: Jason Voorhees kills a guy, who it turns out is an actual goalie. His team sees Jason, assumes HE’S their team-mate, Jason has a new career. Jason turns out to be really good, so his team starts hiding all the murders he’s committing. FRIDAY THE 13TH: JASON ON ICE
— BrianLynch

I want to belong to an old-timey gentlemen’s club, but for women
Just a place where ladies can sit in leather chairs in stuffy rooms lined with books and huff about politics and possibly make globetrotting bets and confer about mysteries
— jenniferemorrow

got fired from my job in the funeral home for inventing casketball
— trojansauce

FOR THIS COMING YEAR REMEMBER TO…
• get enough sleep
• drink water
• raise a kraken to be your son
• finally get a vorpal sword
• read the books you buy instead of hoarding them
• haha okay one of these isn’t realistic
— PaperFury

Kinda hope all of this year’s tax prep commercials are just accountants screaming into the abyss.

*…H&R Block spokesdude screams in a hoarse whisper, a green light behind his eyes as the tentacled horrors wrap around him and finally, FINALLY, end his suffering…*

*…a furious homeowner who paid for the premium package calls the TurboTax hotline to speak with a rep. They are greeted with hold music, followed by the sound of an infinite number of tiny creatures which feed upon souls, their mandibles chittering…*

*…all CPAs at the Jackson Hewitt branch offices have been replaced by cultists in black robes. They hold black iron knives pitted with the acidic blood of monsters we cannot comprehend with our mortal minds. There is a 15-minute wait, but there is also coffee…*

*…the friendly polystyrene Lady Liberty mascot from Liberty Tax Service is no more. She has been replaced by Mi-Go, the alien bat-lobster with eyeballs on its tail. It has some trouble holding the sign with its claws while dancing on the side of the road…*
— KBSpangler

when will we get a children’s animated bible series that depicts angels as the incomprehensible cosmological horrors they scripturally are

like a kid gets visited by a throne, which is this winged, rotating wheel with spokes of tendon and flesh, and no one freaks out and nothing’s wrong.

CHILD: Is this a message from God? ANGEL: (unleashes a screeching wall of sound, an overwhelming voice in a transcendental language that plays with synapses as if they were guitar strings) CHILD: You’re right! I’ll make sure to study extra hard!

PRAYING MAN: I’m sure God is watching me up there, somewhere, guiding me… ANGEL HOVERING THREE INCHES ABOVE HIM: (unfurls its pearly, dripping wings, and a thousand unblinking eyes stare directly at the man, his faith and devotion exposed for each bloodshot iris to see)
— urbanfriendden

who needs ghosts? haunt your own house. wander around your own living room wailing and crying
elfroots420

I do already ghosts hate me because I do their job for them
simplystormie

Millennials killing the haunting industry.
bornite