Why have we not had a Miss Marple/Lovecraft pastiche yet, dammit? “Oh dear…I’m afraid he WAS murdered, Inspector, but not quite like you mean. It reminds me of when young Percy tried summon the Ones Outside. One sees so much of life in a small town, you know.”

“I told his mother–she was so distraught, you know–that he should not have called up what he could not put down, but…well…you know how these things go, Inspector. But the roses in his mother’s garden were lovely for years after that. Positively glowing.”

— UrsulaV

The humans acted scared of him, but Bat knew better.
They were his friends.
Each October they even put pictures of Bat up all over town.
— ASmallFiction

“Hmmm, ah, yesofcourse. *single clap* That is superb. You, ah. HA! Yes, well.” – Jeff Goldblum orgasming.
— seethenare

Your pet trilobite wanted to meet you, but never got the chance. Untold years ago, he fell asleep between two warm stones, imagining they were your hands, hoping he’d wake up in them.
— ThePatanoiac

Math problem. I have three apples and am traveling towards you at 17mph. It’s not really a problem, more of a warning. Apple time, bitches.
— vladchoc

Stop pretending that you’re not acquainted with that goat-headed demonlord in the corner.
It’s BaphoMET, not BaphoWE-DONT-KNOW-EACHOTHER.
— JosephBrassey

DnD homebrew: Southern Gothic Adventure
-All warlocks have met their patrons at a dusty rural crossroads at midnight
-“The Devil Went Down To Georgia”? Acceptable canon bard origin story
-Druid forms include Alligator, Mockingbird
— afterwits

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
— readingtheend

In all the endless breathless fictionalized takes on Jack the Ripper, have we ever done the one where the reason he disappeared was because a team of vengeful Victorian sex workers systematically hunted him down, took him out and dumped his body in the Thames?
— dmeconis

I’m so tired of waking up alone
I should be waking up on a cold glass slab after having my corpse revived in a future dystopia, the reek of antiseptic in the air as I vault over a lab bench and grab a scalpel from an unsuspecting attendant
— spookperson