The Art of Darkness

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May 7th, 2019 by Cobwebs

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

Your skeleton is just a gift that time slowly unwraps.

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

My outgoing message on my voicemail is 40 seconds of my dog licking himself. If you want to leave me a voicemail you’re gonna work for it.

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

“I see my assassins failed.”
-how I’m going to greet people from now on

if a ghost picks a fight with you keep your elbows tucked in aim for the soft spots and remember someone already killed that motherfucker once

i don’t go in bouncy castles because i’m afraid of bouncy dracula

When God closes a door, he opens a window, and that’s how all the angel squirrels got in here.

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

2 Responses

  1. Mim Says:


    That would be *brilliant*.

  2. xJane Says:

    “I see my assassins failed.” and “ Oh, my friends! I’m so pleased you’re not dead!” are just two sides of the same, confusing-your-friends-and-enemies coin.

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