Oh honey, that’s just how old houses are. They settle. They sometimes creak or groan, or quietly weep, or demand blood sacrifice in voices that sounds like the fluttering wings of a thousand moths. It’s just the house settling. For whatever it can get. Go back to sleep.
— moniquill

Inside you there are two wolves. They are both very tired and are doing their best.
— ChuckWendig

I maintain that the moral of A Christmas Carol is actually “never go with a ghost to a second location”
— kmkirtland

I’m not the main character I’m one of the housekeepers hearing strange noises coming from the third floor of this Gothic manor and simply saying “that’s not my business”
— SparkNotes

Make a movie about the TA who had to teach 90% of Indiana Jones’ classes.
— TheAndrewNadeau

I like to play chess with old men in the park. (The tough part: finding 32 of them.)
— EmoPhilips

During plane turbulence it’s fun to touch your temples and pretend you’re experiencing a premonition.
— louisvirtel

You want me to apply for a fellowship? After what happened to Boromir?
— astrobassball

Ladies, remember that if someone asks you “why do you not have kids yet” over the holidays, the appropriate answer is, “Alas, because I promised my firstborn to the forest imp who spun my straw into gold!”
— Iconawrites

i am super skinny in that i am like covered completely in skin
— jennschiffer