The Art of Darkness

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July 21st, 2023 by Cobwebs

Control freaks of the world unite no not like that no just give it to me you’re doing it wr

I think you should be able to Trick or Treat when you’re just hungry and forgot to go to the grocery store

like it’s MY fault my love language is acts of service and all i know how to do is kill

It’s a shame Bela Lugosi didn’t live to hear Bela Lugosi’s Dead but I understand why it had to happen in that order

Tweet draft from being awake at 2:00 a.m. while my husband happily snored the night away:
1. Did Lizzie Borden’s dad snore? 2. Did the murders take place during sleeping hours? Because I have a theory.

Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.

“Let my people goth.” – Emoses

Imagine if they took the Statue of Liberty down and found loads of skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

Dudes always want a goth gf but put zero effort into their Gomez game.

“doctor barbie”
“pastry chef barbie”
where is antiquarian barbie
where is seeker of dark truths barbie
where is hunted occultist barbie

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March 9th, 2023 by Cobwebs

I’m gloomy and stoutly built. I’m gothicc.

I was out walking, lost in thought, and paid little attention to where I was going. Imagine my surprise when I found myself in the Library of Unwritten Books.
I wasn’t allowed to read any of my own unwritten books, but I read one of yours.
It was really good. You should write it.

Who’s got ten thumbs and a lifetime ban from buying bolt-cutters?

Life is just the waiting period before your skeleton starts to hatch.

*me, teaching a classroom* ok so today’s lesson is kind of loose because some of you are in a horror movie and i need to deliver the themes to the audience. this won’t help you avoid death, but it will help you contextualize it

tarot card reading except i just make “ooo” “ah” and “wow” sounds the whole time instead of telling you what the cards mean

goth is when you put lip stuff on your eyes and eye stuff on your lips and leg things on your arms

Don’t worry about people talking about you behind your back.
Of course they do. The local villagers always have legends about the terrifying things they meet in the dark.

i’d follow him to hell and back but i wish he’d just stop going there

Ghostface is the scariest movie villain because he wants to talk on the phone.

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December 23rd, 2022 by Cobwebs

entering my Ebenezer Scrooge era (eating some soup, wearing a lil nightcap and gown, retiring to bed early)

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

working in an office is just like being in a horse movie except the horse is a printer. im the only one in the office who can make it work and its because the printer and i have a special bond. its a wild and untamable spirit and we are going to win the big race

Poltergeists tend to focus on one member of a family, usually a teenager who is good at throwing things when no one is looking.

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

(OSHA inspector walking into Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory) what the fuck

His Dark Materials, but instead of daemons, everyone has a muppet.

I am the ghost of Christmas Future Pluperfect Conditional. I will show you what would have come to pass if you had not changed your ways.

Youre telling me a ginger bred this man??

Scrooge demands a turkey “twice the size of Tiny Tim,” and I love the idea of measuring foods relative to the size of your acquaintances. “Run by Kroger’s and pick up a goose that’s half the length of Louisa, the assistant librarian”

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December 13th, 2022 by Cobwebs

a movie where the family 100% knows the house is haunted but, due to the housing shortage, decides to just make the best of it. like remember kids, buddy system!! if spiders come out of the faucet you can skip bath! there is never a good enough reason to go in the cellar!!

saying “hm. must be the curse” every time something bad happens and refusing to elaborate is my new hobby

You never hear about Cinderella’s Fairy Godfather who turned all of her enemies into corpses.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day
You stuffed it underneath the floorboards with the rest of my corpse until the sound of my heartbeat intensified your descent into madness

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

did we ever find out how the vampire’s interview went? did he get the job

sorry for my behavior, my leitmotif was playing in a minor key

man: but what about the times i saw 8 footprints on the beach?
spiderchrist: [hiding in the shadows] oh that was just normal beach stuff. step into the web my child

To me, Christmas isn’t about perfection or consumerism. It’s about family togetherness. It’s about trading ghost stories with will-o’-the-wisps. It’s about forming snow into giant crabs and bringing them to life. It’s about running from the peppermint beasts in a torchlit cavern.

H.P. Lovecraft: Your limited human mind cannot comprehend Cthulhu
Me: (comprehending easily) Squid guy

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August 19th, 2022 by Cobwebs

Shakespeare is great because he’s like “oh someone just died? you’re crying? here’s a weird little freak”

Enough talk about “bikini bodies”. Fall is almost here; now you need a body with a detachable pumpkin head that you can throw at your foes riding on horseback.

i think what i liked most about my first time having sex was that glowy feeling from head to toe you get after realizing you can’t be thrown into a volcano as a sacrifice anymore

In a humiliating assessment of my competence, life has given me lemonade.

In zombie movies they make a huge deal about not letting anybody bite you but I’ve actually been doing that already.

“morning person??” oh no you’ve misheard me. I’m a mourning person. always in black, talking about ghosts and bones, in a constant state of grief for the unknown dead.

SHAKESPEARE: to be or not to be, that is the question
SCHRÖDINGER: see this guy gets it

people don’t know this, but you can say “trick or treat” any time of the year. it’s always a valid ultimatum

me: I got a ghost I need busted
friend: call the ghostbusters
me: do they have a website or app?
friend: no you gotta call
me: well I guess I’m stuck with this fuckin ghost then

it’s still so funny to me that Agatha Christie’s first husband tried to leave her and she faked her own death to get even. like you think you can just divorce Agatha Christie? a woman who gets paid to invent crimes?

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March 15th, 2022 by Cobwebs

Oh honey, that’s just how old houses are. They settle. They sometimes creak or groan, or quietly weep, or demand blood sacrifice in voices that sounds like the fluttering wings of a thousand moths. It’s just the house settling. For whatever it can get. Go back to sleep.

Inside you there are two wolves. They are both very tired and are doing their best.

I maintain that the moral of A Christmas Carol is actually “never go with a ghost to a second location”

I’m not the main character I’m one of the housekeepers hearing strange noises coming from the third floor of this Gothic manor and simply saying “that’s not my business”

Make a movie about the TA who had to teach 90% of Indiana Jones’ classes.

I like to play chess with old men in the park. (The tough part: finding 32 of them.)

During plane turbulence it’s fun to touch your temples and pretend you’re experiencing a premonition.

You want me to apply for a fellowship? After what happened to Boromir?

Ladies, remember that if someone asks you “why do you not have kids yet” over the holidays, the appropriate answer is, “Alas, because I promised my firstborn to the forest imp who spun my straw into gold!”

i am super skinny in that i am like covered completely in skin

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August 28th, 2021 by Cobwebs

Sir Gawain and the Green Knight explores one of the oldest and most profound narrative archetypes, to wit: “What if there was this really weird guy who showed up?”

I want to donate my body for science but not like science science like I wanna end up in the music department seeing if my skeleton really does make xylophone sounds

Don’t be envious of people who are more successful than you. Focus instead on your own creative ability to sculpt eerily lifelike wax dolls of those people and stick pins in them.

writing a predator movie where you finally see the predator home planet and it’s like a richard scarry town where there are predators riding to work in little apple cars and shit

[crime scene]
detective: who outlined the body?
me: i did
detective: why did you draw his eyebrows
me: he was surprised by the stabbing

umm heart disease kills millions of people a year so maybe focus on that instead of being mad at me for killing 1-2 people a year max?

It’s always the same with you: “Blood for the Blood God!” “Skulls for the Skull Throne!” Well what about my needs, An’ggrath the Unbound? What about “Flowers for Melissa, My Lovely and Supportive Wife”

Noise complaint.
911 caller says the vegetarian werewolves that live next door are howling as they dismember and devour their baked potatoes.

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me: you don’t remember me do you?

wife: how was guarding the two paths today, honey?
guard: [looking away] fine
wife: did something happen?
the guard: [tearing up] no
wife: would the other guard tell me something happened?

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June 15th, 2021 by Cobwebs

Gaze not into the abyss, lest you become recognized as an abyss domain expert, and they expect you keep gazing into the damn thing.

Funny how if you have two beautiful blue eyes, that’s a good thing, but if you have twenty beautiful blue eyes, you’re “a monster,” “a space alien,” “probably the source of the telekinetic damage to the White House,” “killable, scientists speculate, only with an atomic bomb.”

I’ve given it a lot of thought and my love language is that I will hold a grudge on your behalf until the end of time.

[creating catholicism]
priest: what should people say to start confession?
me: forgive me father, for I have sinned
priest: seems long
me: sorry I was bad, daddy
priest: ok no go back

Today is a good day to wear your cloak and sword, travel to a ruined temple on the lost coast, and stop an incursion by Igleth, the Horned God of Destruction.
Or curl up and read a good book.
Either is fine.

live your life in such a way that your heirs sort through your possessions whispering “what the fuck. what the FUCK. What in the SHIT.”

Just heard a conspiracy theory that the Loch Ness Monster is actually the ghost of an ancient dinosaur, and since it affects nothing and nobody I’ve decided I believe it, as a treat for me

I moved into a two family house and it turns out our upstairs neighbor is a beekeeper. There’s 20,000 bees in the backyard. She said they’re friendly and will learn my face and behavior pattern and not bother me. I do not want 20,000 bees knowing my face and behavior pattern.

Canonically, the Lord of the Rings is a memoir by hobbits, which has several detailed descriptions of meals throughout, so maybe the whole saga is just one of those recipe blogs where they have to tell you a whole epic story before getting to the food.

Unpopular opinion: the best thing young people can do early in their careers is say “please” to the Dread Pirate Roberts so that they may become his valet and eventually assume the title when he retires

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April 27th, 2021 by Cobwebs

If i saw an unspeakably horrific lovecraftian entity with my own eyes I would simply comprehend its shape and not go crazy.

The goal of a woman’s life is *not* to be a wife and mother. It’s to dramatically gatecrash a christening party swathed in a raven-black cloak and cackle, “I TOO HAVE A GIFT FOR THE PRINCESS!”

Okay but we all agree that SOME who wander are lost, right

Behind every successful man there’s a small ghost of a Victorian child

sex ed teacher: haahaha. wait. i’m sorry lmao. where did you say they came from, again?
athena: f-foreheads

you know the fantasy trope of like the Sword That Makes You Evil. well that sword exists in real life too and it’s called a wrapping paper tube

dang girl, you’ll make the prettiest flowers once your body rots into the earth.

“The Raven” is my ideal poem and here’s why:
– Has an unreliable narrator
– Has a bird
– The bird is also unreliable

police officer: there’s a dead body in your basement
schrödinger: [sighing] well there is now

“Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?” It was me, I did it. It was in a big jar with “COOKIES” written on it. Why else would you have a COOKIE JAR? Oh I’m sorry were you fermenting those cookies

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February 14th, 2021 by Cobwebs

Inside you are two wolves. In front of you is a very upset wolf pack

Dermatologists HATE Her! Meet The Woman Who Has Dedicated Her Life To Harassing As Many Dermatologists As Humanly Possible

i want to hear vampires argue about dracula. i want to hear one be like “he got handed everything with that stoker book. there are so many better vampires” and another one shake their head like “no way, dracula changed the game. you cant pretend he didnt”

why is it called creepypasta and not fettuccine afraido

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

Man, how hot do you think Freud’s mom was?

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

So when other people wear a mask, stay inside a lot, and start giving singing lessons on the side, they’re “dealing with a global pandemic.” But when I, the Phantom of the Opera,

*during a meeting*
Colleague 1: what animals make you think floaty and calming?
Colleague 2: Ooh, rabbits, little birds, butterflies…
Me: those spiders that make sails out of webbing so they can hang glide.

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

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