The Art of Darkness

A Letter to the Caretaker

February 3rd, 2007 by Cobwebs

To:Caretaker, Shadow Manor
From:Fishbein, Fishbein, Fishbein, and Hayakawa
Attorneys at Law

Tomb it May Concern:

The Saiberville Beautification Society has retained the services of our firm in response to certain violations of the neighborhood appearance guidelines by the denizens of your mansion.

Specific infractions include:

Incessant tormented shrieks of the damned, rattling chains, maniacal laughter, and guttural moans continuing after 11 p.m.

The nooses hanging from the large oak in your front yard have caused unsightly rope scarring on several of the tree’s limbs. This is a matter of some concern to several local environmental action groups, who suggest that you install a gallows.

Your immediate neighbor, Mrs. Madge Bradshaw, blames unnamed inhabitants of your mansion for the crop circles which keep appearing in her prize petunias.

The unidentified plant life which lines the front walk is unacceptably tall, and additionally has the unfortunate habit of eating neighborhood pets. These plants should be both pruned and fertilized on a more regular basis.

The intermittent “poltergeist” activity emanating from your mansion has caused random objects to become embedded in neighbors’ walls, damaging the exterior paint and stucco.

Although your gesture of keeping a large flock of endangered South American bats in your attic is commendable from an environmental standpoint, the staining (guano, unidentified rust-colored material) on the walls surrounding their point of exit is unsightly.

While we understand that the practice of impaling human heads on pikes does have an historical precedent, those atop your front gate are drawing an unacceptably large number of vultures.

The animated suit of armor which patrols the upper floors of your mansion is dented, rusty, and otherwise ill-kept.

Although keeping a pack of timber wolves as “watch dogs” is not specifically forbidden by local statutes, please remember that they must be curbed.

The mansion’s occasional habit of suddenly imploding startles passersby, and the resulting rip in the space-time continuum is an eyesore.

Please understand that the Saiberville Beautification Society is taking legal action against you only as a last resort. They have tried to resolve these issues with you directly, but your response has been uncooperative in the extreme. Turning the last Society representative into a toad may be actionable in its own right.

We look forward to your reply.

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