At 11:59 PM Cinderella should’ve said to the Prince, “I bet you a million bucks I can turn that carriage into a pumpkin.”
— robdelaney

“HERE COMES THE TICKLE MONSTER!” the villagers cried, fleeing from the beast. But he wouldn’t stop, he would never stop.
— shelbyfero

Of course this Indian Burial Ground is haunted, it was built on an INDIAN BURIAL GROUND
— meganamram

The more inappropriate a time to make a joke, the funnier that joke will be.
— donni

Unfortunately at no point during my workday does anyone ever have cause to shout my name and then toss me a sword.
— SethMacFarlane

Goths love cats because they are elegant, independent, aloof, sleep a lot and throw up on things, just like Goths.
— Stuff Goths Like

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I want to yell HEY IS THAT CANDY CAN I HAVE SOME
— kellydeal

I think it’s safe to assume that we all kind of know what Judas Iscariot would have done for a Klondike Bar.
— TurboGrandma

If the hospital let me cut my son’s umbilical cord, you’d think this stupid funeral home would let me embalm my dad.
— robdelaney

Attention sad young and not-so-young men being preyed upon by unscrupulous marketers: if Prince William is balding THERE IS NO CURE.
— TheBosha