acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
— wyatt_privilege

FIVE STAGES OF FRIENDSHIP
– liking each other’s tweets
– exchanging numbers in the DMs
– hot-air balloon races
– falling in love with the same man and accidentally killing each other in a duel
– haunting the woods together in your finest silk gowns
— SketchesbyBoze

Dracula: do you hear them! the children of the ni…
Me, the familiar: we have the plumber coming at 7 to clean out that castle bathroom pipe that dumps into the sea & please pay him this time bc need I remind you we cant all turn into a bat and shit onto the side of the castle
— griph

You never hear about a new ghost. “Oh yeah, this place is haunted since Jeff died last Tuesday.”
— juliussharpe

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
— roboticcrab

I would love to see a Poirot-style murder mystery that pivots into horror halfway through when it is revealed that the train is alive and murdering its own passengers
— jephjacques

can’t wait til i’m a ghost and a dude with a tape recorder asks if there’s anything i’d like to communicate and i get to go “no thank you”
— tarashoe

The thing I remember most about having a pet rock is how one day it just went crazy and attacked my best friend in the back of the head.
— danguterman

PITCH: An anti-Mary Poppins story where a perfectly normal nanny teaches a family of impossibly powerful wizard children to stop being assholes
— mizabitha

“If it bites you and you die, it’s venomous. If you bite it and you die it’s poisonous. If you bite it and somebody else dies it’s voodoo. If you bite it and your head hurts it’s probably ice cream.”

I am very informative to live with.

Also: “If you bite it and nobody dies but you’re both into it… I dunno, you’re on your own.”

— ShinraAlpha