Back in my day, werewolves showed some respect for their traditions and played basketball at least once in every movie.
— JerryThomas

I only wear a tie at the office to keep my soul from completely leaving my body.
thedayhascome

This Halloween I’m going as the asshole who says, “Actually, you’re Frankenstein’s *monster*.”
— weselec

Burning a book will never lighten the darkness that is terrifying you. Reading it might.
— juskewitch

Dear followers, I am deeply sorry for creating Justin Bieber. What started as a joke between me & Moses has gone too far. @satan, help.
— god

Has anyone even gotten a trick for Halloween ever? Fuck treats. Just once I want some old man to be all “KABLAM!” and bust out a minihorse.
— YUCKYBOT

My kids know that their punishment won’t be as severe if the bad thing they did was also funny.
— scottsimpson

There has never been a villain who wasn’t the hero in their own story, or a hero who wasn’t the villain in somebody else’s.
— DeathStarPR