The Art of Darkness

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December 19th, 2012 by Cobwebs

When I go out, I always carry a note that says, “THIS WAS NOT AN ACCIDENT”, so the police will have something interesting to do if I die.

Christmas toy idea: a Tickle Me Kristen Stewart Doll except when you tickle her she just stares.

If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to fuck with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

If you want your waiter to be extra attentive, begin your order with “Well, considering this is my final meal…”

All underwear is edible if you’re willing to persevere.

It’s not a walk of shame if you do a victory lap of their house as you’re leaving.

If I was a capricious god, every time someone said they had to see a man about a horse, I would make them poop a tiny horse.

James Bond Coca-Cola? Good idea! For as we all know, his catchphrase is “Coca-Cola: Shaken not-Oh for fuck’s sake it’s all over my tuxedo.”

From now on, I’m only supporting celebrities I think would let me in their mansion during a zombie apocalypse.

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