The Art of Darkness

Seen Online

May 2nd, 2012 by Cobwebs

Spent the last 2 hours whispering “here comes the tickle monster!” to the people that were bench pressing weights at the gym.

So many funeral prank possibilities if you outlive your identical twin.

I’d watch the shit out of a reality show that’s a search for the most pretentious vegan.

I didn’t hover round the business end [of my wife’s C-section]. I’m not a fan of innards. What if you go mad and lean forward and dunk a biscuit in them or something?
Charlie Booker, discussing his child’s recent birth

I always sleep on a sack of knives in case a pillow fight breaks out.

I’m the only one who knows this is a murder mystery dinner

Sometimes when I use tampons I like to pretend that my vagina is knitting a little scarf.

The only relationship advice I have for the young ladies out there is this: Find yourself a goofy bastard. Trust me on this.

I wish parents would watch their kids better because my basement is filling up.

If asked on TV what I’d do if I won $540 mil I wouldn’t say “Quit my job.” I’d look at the camera and say “Society will know soon enough”

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