The Art of Darkness

Seen Online

May 24th, 2016 by Cobwebs

Someone: Raising a family is hard
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close enough to each other
Someone: What?
Necromancer: What?

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

The only reason I shop at consignment shops is I like wearing haunted dead people pants.

Goodnight, sleep tight, let the bedbugs bite.
“You mean don’t let the bedbugs bite, Dad.”
The bugs must feed on you, son. A debt is owed.

Every time you use glitter glue, remember that it used to be a My Little Pony

Work emails get way more eldritch when you read I.T. as IT.

No matter the situation the expression ” I’m dying. ” is always the truth.

Feminist construction workers aren’t any better. They subjectify women as we walk by. “You’re beautiful on the inside!” they scream at me.

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

Goodnight. Dream safely. As long as you don’t dream about the Door in the Fog you’ll be just fine. Maybe dream about bunnies. Sleep well.

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The Necrocard

May 18th, 2016 by Cobwebs

NecrocardIf you found a laminator to make yourself an Artistic License, here’s another amusing card you can put in your wallet.

Writer and performance artist Stewart Home decided to explore the relationship between sex and death by creating donor cards enabling the bearers to leave their body for sexual experimentation. His description of public reaction to the cards is interesting, and it brings up the deeper philosophical question: Is necrophilia still wrong if you’ve got the corpse’s specific consent?

Stewart copied the design of the NHS donor card to create his version. The design isn’t particularly attractive, so if you’re going to make your own you might want to experiment with the color and style.

I may make up a bunch of these as favors for my next Halloween party.

(This post was first published in June 2008; I’ll be doing a few days of “blast from the past” archive posts in a probably-vain effort to catch up with real life.)

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May 16th, 2016 by Cobwebs

“A pair of home invaders consider their potential character choices just prior to their planned invasion.”

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I See an Anatomically-Incorrect Man in Your Future…

May 12th, 2016 by Cobwebs

JusticeMichelle of The Little Review has…well, something. “Too much time on her hands” and “An unhealthy interest in Barbie dolls” are two things that spring, ineluctably, to mind. But “relentlessness” must also be added to the list, because she’s managed to dig up enough Barbie images to populate an entire tarot deck.

The Barbie Tarot replaces the suit of Swords with Hats and Pentacles with Purses, and the minor arcana use Princes and Princesses instead of Knights and Pages. Also it’s bubblegum pink. Each card identifies the doll used and describes why it was selected.

11   Justice   Wonder Woman from Barbie Loves Pop Culture
The traditional image for Justice is a blindfolded woman holding the scales, balancing fairness and virtue against a lack of consideration and rigidity. The Amazon superheroine must balance her disguise as an ordinary woman with her use of the Lasso of Truth and indestructible bracelets to bring criminals to justice and help the downtrodden.


(This post was first published in April 2008; I’ll be doing a few days of “blast from the past” archive posts in a probably-vain effort to catch up with real life.)

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May 2nd, 2016 by Cobwebs

“A precocious little girl who finds a dead frog and, being the aspiring doctor she is, decides to ‘heal’ it.”

(via The Presurfer)

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Seen Online

April 28th, 2016 by Cobwebs

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

kids have you applied the minty paste to the exposed part of your skeleton? yes? well now it is time to lie down in a dark room for hours

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and then get the fuck outta there.

what if an ouija board was like an afterlife call center
“hey joey, line 396 is open. three teenagers in the dark want to talk to some ghost or something”
“i’m gonna prank them so hard”
“joey no”
“im gonna say i’m satan”

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

You never hear about a new ghost. “Oh yeah, this place is haunted since Jeff died last Tuesday.”

TEACHER: We caught your child playing doctor with another student
ME: Thats natur-
TEACHER: He was trepanning her.

thats me in the corner that’s me in the spotlight why’s this spotlight in the corner
clearly I’m trying to avoid the spotlight that’s why I’m in the corner

can’t wait til i’m a ghost and a dude with a tape recorder asks if there’s anything i’d like to communicate and i get to go “no thank you”

if your grave doesnt say “rest in peace” on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war

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April 18th, 2016 by Cobwebs

“A struggling young actor begins to see disturbing visions of the immediate future.”

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New Greek Gods

April 5th, 2016 by Cobwebs

The hashtag #NewGreekGods showed up on Twitter yesterday, and although there were many worthy suggestions, Tree Lobsters! took the idea and ran with it. Here’s a sampling:

You can read others in Tree Lobsters! feed, or at the hashtag. (And if you don’t read the Tree Lobsters! webcomic, you really should.)

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Heavy Metal Drums Make Everything Better

April 4th, 2016 by Cobwebs

Joey Muha is a skilled, enthusiastic drummer whose mission seems to be to prove to the world that any song lends itself to the heavy metal treatment. Here he is doing “I’m a Little Teapot.”

His YouTube channel has loads of others, ranging from the “Gilligan’s Island” theme song to “You Are My Sunshine.”

(via BoingBoing)

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Seen Online

March 31st, 2016 by Cobwebs

Priest: Do your children understand that we all answer to a higher power?
Me: They know all about Dumbledore.

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

NATURE FACTS: Nature will kill you and then make new things from you.

I want a lady in the street & a lady in the sheets. I want one lady covering the exits, one watching the car park, and one sniping from the grassy knoll.

CAT VAMPIRE: let me in!
ME: ok
CAT VAMPIRE: you fool! now I will suck your bl-
ME: *closes door*
CAT VAMPIRE: let me out

Take me down to the paradise city,
Where the grass is green,
And other stuff is also the colour you would normally expect it to be,

I regard a ringing phone in much the same way as one might regard a coffee cup filled with millipedes.

Don’t you hate it when time travelers from the future want a photo with you but then refuse to say why they’re laughing?

LADIES take your shirts off and tell anyone who asks you are breastfeeding a ghost

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