The Art of Darkness

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March 19th, 2019 by Cobwebs

[to the tune of Alexander Hamilton]

Hwæt Hwæ-Hwæ-Hwæ Hwæ-Hwæ Hwæt!

*violins*

How does a Geat-Wægmunding, Ecgtheow’s son,
fresh from Gotland, dropped in the middle of Heorot under Hrothgar,
star in a tale by a scop on a lyre,
& end up burning on a funeral pyre?

medievaliszt

more vampires should have obsessive weird hobbies
“I’m making a stop motion animated film out of bonsai trees, i’ve been at it since the 70s its 3 minutes long”

“i’ve been breeding parrots purely for intelligence, this is Arnaldo, he can do basic multiplication, he’s my 5th generation african grey”

like you got endless amount of time make weirrrd STUFF

JessiSheron

sir that’s my emotional support decaying portrait that portrays all my sins
classicalxena

My favourite knuckle tat idea is PLAN AHEA
Fenreliania

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
BahuWrites

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
ItsDanSheehan

DM now stands for Dungeon MANAGING. You have no budget and they only promoted you to downsize one of the Truth and Lies door guards (“why do we need TWO,” upper management said). The creature that lies in deep waters wants to talk to you about his performance review.
AnaMardoll

[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
MattTheBrand

Embrace imposter syndrome.
Revel in the fact you have fooled everyone.
You are a Trickster Goddess.
You are the Imposter Child for Deception and Clever Ruses.
EliLizzieLizbet

Hades: babe what’s wrong?
Persephone, drunk, scratching two of cerberus’ heads, weeping: I don’t have enough hands
forever-painting-roses

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 3 Comments »

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March 12th, 2019 by Cobwebs

mother: *holding newborn for first time* awww look at you, you have my eyes.
Father: and my smile
Aragorn: you have my sword
Legolas: and you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Nurse: Can we get Security in here please, theyre back again.
eddytheaxe

While Anubis is weighing your heart, you give a quick squeeze to the squeaky toy you had buried with your body. His expression remains static, but you think you saw his tail wag, just a little bit.
TheDoorTHEDOOR

HOW CAN ONE BELIEVE IN ROMANTIC LOVE WHEN YOUR PARTNER NEVER ONCE GETS TO SEE YOUR WHOLE SKELETON
SICKOFWOLVES

Obi-Wan: If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine*
Obi-Wan: *turns into semi-helpful ghost*
ObsKenobs

NO MORE BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD UNTIL HE FINISHES HIS VEGETABLES
SissyNat

Every time I put my son down for a nap he wakes up evil and I’m starting to regret building his crib over this ancient burial ground.
daddydoubts

The hardest part about painting is getting the eyes right…the way they move, the WAY THEY GROW AND SPIRAL, THE THING THAT HUNGERS RISING WITHIN THEM, TWO DARK WELLS WITHIN WHICH A VOICE SINGS TO YOU A VOICE THAT IS HORRIFYINGLY FAMILIAR…
hottestsingles

so I says to Ernest Hemingway “funny thing; you mention the missus really likes one kind of baby shoes, and what happens? the whole damn family give you them for Christmas. Six pairs, what’s the use in that? You’re a writer, help us out with this eBay listing”
dsquareddigest

life hack: u dont have to be a wolf to yell sad noises at the moon
reallyreallyreallytrying

unpopular fantasy opinion: dragons shit gold. that’s why the lairs are filled with it etc, they don’t collect it they create it. Think about it – do you ever see dragons bringing sacks of gold home?

No, it’s whole cows. Then time passes, then there’s gold.

Not rocket science.

mykola
(Note: The ensuing comment thread is worth a read.)

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

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January 29th, 2019 by Cobwebs

for the last time: it’s only amontillado if it’s from the montilla region of spain. anywhere else and it’s just a fino. i have some in my basement if you want to educate yourself. come look
soy_person

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

CMGaldre

This season’s color palettes are: the blood of your enemies, the bones of those who stand against you, the wind howling amongst the forgotten tombs of all those who thought you small and weak
hottestsingles

Your eye is a collection of cells that evolved to borrow the radiation from a fiery ball of superheated hydrogen and helium in order to gather information about objects outside your physical reach. Vision is a kind of divination shaped and fueled by a cosmic inferno.
CryptoNature

The moral universe of Charlotte’s Web only makes sense if sentience extends all the way down to spiders and then hits a hard fall-off before flies.

“Eating this pig would be wrong,” Charlotte said, as half a dozen muffled, pleading voices vibrated the web beneath her legs.

ScottWesterfeld

MOVIE IDEA: Jason Voorhees kills a guy, who it turns out is an actual goalie. His team sees Jason, assumes HE’S their team-mate, Jason has a new career. Jason turns out to be really good, so his team starts hiding all the murders he’s committing.
FRIDAY THE 13TH JASON ON ICE
BrianLynch

DM: At bar you see a cloaked, hunched over man. He wears a crown of bone and blade, surrounded by three sentient rings of fire. His arm is made of steel.

Players: who else is in the tavern

DM: uhhhh theres a goblin named Sam Smorkle

Players: I want to talk to Sam Smorkle

beanytuesday

The weatherman just said the roads are treacherous — but just how treacherous are they?
Would they, for example, cruelly blacken your name to your lover in order to curry favour?
eohiggins

*Victorian House Hunters*

HOST: I—

HENRY JAMES: I should like a kitchen whose concept is – how shall I conceive of it – not closed, not in some way occluded, but bright, agape, unrestrained as a verdant Tuscan meadow; open, in so many words

HOST: And that’s the full 22 minutes

BullenRoss

Man, think of how confusing it would’ve been if just the Ghostbusters song was released, no movie.
2tonbug

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Seen Online

December 25th, 2018 by Cobwebs

Well the weather outside is frightful
But inside is equally frightful
No matter which room you go
Full of crows
Full of crows
Full of crows
ChrisHallbeck

why do ghosts and demons respond to fake Latin chanting?
glumshoe
because they don’t speak Latin either
they just go along with it because they have social anxiety
biggest-gaudiest-patronuses

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Reverend_Banjo

ghostbusters are always like who are you gunna call? ghostbusters! but it’s hard enough to call the doctor’s office i’m not gunna call the ghostbusters i’d just live with a ghost in my house forever
who you gunna call? no one i have anxiety
glassesanddreads

I love candles. They let us take an ancient, devouring force of nature that’s older than life and stick it in a little jar on the shelf. A candle is essentially a tiny, adorable pet god.
JarodAnderson

Kid: Santa, what’s the story of your reindeer names?
Santa: Why I name them after memories, like Prancer frolicking through the snow!
Kid: What about Donner?
*a dark countenance settles on Santa’s face*
Santa: the year was 1847, snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada-
Brendelbored

When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he was like ha ha damn, good job, me. Good job at all the successful conquering, Alex. And being very handsome also
cat_beltane

the funniest vampire bullshit will forever be some vampire lamenting having to kill while theyre actively killing and monologuing like “truly, I am the most hated creature in god’s narrowed eye, the new modern prometheus, my purpose an eternal question, my existence a curse. is there a single person, even a fleeting thought, that has ever spent a moment beneath the same moon as I while feeling this unique pain? Pity me, world, for no one now is as miserable as I”

and the dude literally bleeding to death in the vampire’s arms, they never get a line, but if they did, it would probably be “okay now hold up if this is a contest about who’s having the worse fucking night,”

vampireapologist

“Whats UP YOUTUBE! Today we gonna do another Unboxing Video!”
*a shovel in hand, I enter the Graveyard*
crabdominalpain

I wish other holidays had traditions like mistletoe. I want two people standing under a dead bat on Halloween to get cursed together.
malloryomeara

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 7 Comments »

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November 27th, 2018 by Cobwebs

THERAPIST: did you work on communication
1ST CERBERUS HEAD: they won’t share the ball
2ND: i want the ball
3RD: i would also like the ball
MelKassel

Ruined my day by realizing that the song Monster Mash is about a song called the Monster Mash and we’ve never actually heard that song.
ObscureGent

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Dustinkcouch

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22
– Parallel parking my time machine
TweetPotato314

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Rica_Bee

The veil is thin here. It’s thin everywhere. Of course it’s fucking thin. Who ever heard of a thick veil? That shit’s lightweight, even sheer.

Like, shit, Agatha. There’s a reason they don’t call it “the down comforter between worlds”.

glumshoe

Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
psybermonkey

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Megatronic13

me with a tarot deck: i activate the hanged man’s special ability. this lets me draw the devil from my deck into my hand. next, i sacrifice the hanged man in order to summon death. with death on my field, the effect of my tower spell card lets me summon the devil from my hand,
yrgirlkv

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
jessokfine

When one door closes, lock it securely, along with all your other doors, before any inspirational quotes get in.
thewritertype

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October 16th, 2018 by Cobwebs

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

alexandraerin

“I’m lonely,” she said, “do you have a potion for making friends?”
“Sure. Drink this,” the witch said.
“Tea?”
“Yep. What’s on your mind?”
ASmallFiction

I notice Autumn is more the season of the soul than of nature.
— Friedrich Nietzsche

A vampire bat’s stomach quickly absorbs all the water out of the blood it drinks, and they pee while feeding to offload it. So. That fog people associate with vampires is probably pee mist. Or they carry a change of pants.
Megiavelli

It’s the zombie apocalypse!

Most people are working on taking out zombies, finding shelter or escaping the city, but not your party.

You’ve got a bunch of spray-cans and it is your duty to spray ominious, cryptic graffiti everywhere to make sure that the ruins fully fit the genre.

probablybadrpgideas

hey, I just met Zeus
and this is crazy
but he’s a swan and
I’m having babies
roboticcrab

dr frankenstein: it’s alive
dr frankenstein: speak
monster: am i the product of peer reviewed research
dr frankenstein: uh
monster: do you have the paperwork with the sources of all my body parts
dr frankenstein: well no
monster: good god this lab is pile of osha violations
wawoodworth

It’s an open secret that all archaeologists, librarians, curators, book dealers and archivists are secret agents. When we say “out of the office”, we mean “screaming GIVE ME THE OTHER HALF OF THE AMULET to a rival whilst battling with them on the edge of a waterfall”
Sotherans

if you’re ever feeling alone just remember that aladdin’s best friends were a monkey and a rug
savittj

Potential pantheon of old ones for our D&D campaign, as named by the resident creepy child NPC:
Mr. Watches You In The Corner
Old Lady Spiders Inside
The Lumpy One
Nobody Is There
Just, Like, A Cat
The Fish With No Eyes
Forever Screaming With A Candle
Sharp Teddy
Mother Squish
alexandraerin

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September 18th, 2018 by Cobwebs

Why have we not had a Miss Marple/Lovecraft pastiche yet, dammit? “Oh dear…I’m afraid he WAS murdered, Inspector, but not quite like you mean. It reminds me of when young Percy tried summon the Ones Outside. One sees so much of life in a small town, you know.”

“I told his mother–she was so distraught, you know–that he should not have called up what he could not put down, but…well…you know how these things go, Inspector. But the roses in his mother’s garden were lovely for years after that. Positively glowing.”

UrsulaV

The humans acted scared of him, but Bat knew better.
They were his friends.
Each October they even put pictures of Bat up all over town.
ASmallFiction

“Hmmm, ah, yesofcourse. *single clap* That is superb. You, ah. HA! Yes, well.” – Jeff Goldblum orgasming.
seethenare

Your pet trilobite wanted to meet you, but never got the chance. Untold years ago, he fell asleep between two warm stones, imagining they were your hands, hoping he’d wake up in them.
ThePatanoiac

Math problem. I have three apples and am traveling towards you at 17mph. It’s not really a problem, more of a warning. Apple time, bitches.
vladchoc

Stop pretending that you’re not acquainted with that goat-headed demonlord in the corner.
It’s BaphoMET, not BaphoWE-DONT-KNOW-EACHOTHER.
JosephBrassey

DnD homebrew: Southern Gothic Adventure
-All warlocks have met their patrons at a dusty rural crossroads at midnight
-“The Devil Went Down To Georgia”? Acceptable canon bard origin story
-Druid forms include Alligator, Mockingbird
afterwits

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
readingtheend

In all the endless breathless fictionalized takes on Jack the Ripper, have we ever done the one where the reason he disappeared was because a team of vengeful Victorian sex workers systematically hunted him down, took him out and dumped his body in the Thames?
dmeconis

I’m so tired of waking up alone
I should be waking up on a cold glass slab after having my corpse revived in a future dystopia, the reek of antiseptic in the air as I vault over a lab bench and grab a scalpel from an unsuspecting attendant
spookperson

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August 28th, 2018 by Cobwebs

It’s weird that ppl interpret the moral of The Pied Piper story as “Don’t trust strangers” when really it’s “Always pay freelancers”
meagantrott

A guy kept yelling “young lady!” at me but I didn’t look up because I identify more as the 1,000 year old ghost of a ship captain.
chelsealockw00d

Foxes look like dogs, but they can’t interbreed because they are separate, distinct species. The only real giveaway is that, unlike dogs, foxes have vertical, catlike pupils. I guess what I’m trying to say is… for dogs… elves are real.
CryptoNature

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

JenAshleyWright

The thief tip-toed toward the dragon’s hoard, reached out, and picked up…
“What!” he exclaimed. “Cookies?”
The dragon looked over its shoulder. “Yes, I’m keeping them warm. Do you want one?”
“But… Why?”
“I was told they are much nicer when they are warm. Try one.”
MicroSFF

Imagine the disappointment of moving to a sleepy, idyllic New England town to start a new life, only to discover it doesn’t harbor any dark secrets.
Manglewood

fucken hate it when I try to eat a butterfly and its wing patterns resemble eyes so I’m warded off
aJasonWeight

PUBLISHER: So it’s got vampires?
BRAM STOKER: Yes.
PUBLISHER: Sex?
BRAM STOKER: Yes.
PUBLISHER: A lunatic asylum?
BRAM STOKER: Yes.
PUBLISHER: It needs something more.
BRAM STOKER: [scratches head] A… a cowboy?
PUBLISHER: Fucking sold.
BullenRoss

Keep others afraid of you by calling Fall “the harvest.”
DothTheDoth

Bruce Wayne didn’t become Batman until he was 30
It doesn’t matter how old you are
There’s still time for a full blown dramatic goth phase
grantpa

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August 7th, 2018 by Cobwebs

Just realized that since we read serial nineteenth-century novels only as whole books, we are basically bingewatching the nineteenth century.

“Bleak House is so long!” Yeah, if you read all seasons in one go, I guess it is pretty long.

KHandozo

I bet octopuses think bones are horrific. I bet all their cosmic horror stories involve rigid-limbs and hinged joints.
CryptoNature

why limit yourself between choosing between a pretty feminine aesthetic or a dark one? if persephone can be the goddess of spring & queen of the underworld at the same time so can you
dracomallfoys

Her camera captured pictures of ghosts.
“Here, how do you like this?” she asked.
“Ugh, I look horrible. Delete it!”
So she did, every time.
MicroSFF

A man walked into my coffee shop, sat across from me with no food or drink, whispered “great tattoo” at me, then left, so what I’m saying was it was not a great day for me to be reading a book about Ed Gein
sadydoyle

All beach bodies are good beach bodies with the exception of the body of the creature that washed up on the beach of Narragansett, Rhode Island in the winter of 1933 and the strange occurrences in the night that followed.
SamSykesSwears

Harry Potter and the Special Rock
Harry Potter and the Don’t Room
Harry Potter and his Furry Crime Dad
Harry Potter and the Hot Cup
Harry Potter and the Warm Bird Club
Harry Potter and the Absolutely Nothing Happens
Harry Potter and the Curse of the Sidequests
Thelaserbearguy

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
roxiqt

nice heights you got there
it’d be a shame if someone were to
wuther them
NotLikeFreddy

Just a reminder: there’s an Old Babylonian tablet that mentions a family of exorcists who live together in a house. Which is, I think you’ll agree, one of the great sitcom ideas of the ancient world.
PhilipJBoyes

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July 24th, 2018 by Cobwebs

ME: Since their transformation is lunar phase dependent a more accurate name would be “when-wolf.”
ARBY’S CASHIER: Again, sir, we closed an hour ago.
AndrewNadeau0

Here’s the question I always have with universal translators in sci-fi: how do they know when to stop translation?
Like say an alien asks about deserts on earth, and the human lists “the sahara desert, gobi desert and kalahari desert”
Alien: You just said “desert” six times.
Foone

“Dad, there’s a monster under my bed!”
“Yes, the bed they used to live under has been razed.”
“But it’s a monster!”
“Maybe, but we are not.”
MicroSFF

Overheard in the French Quarter: “My big fear with becoming a zombie is all the walking.”
Nalo_Hopkinson

Every badger in a waistcoat implies a whole infrastructure of badger tailors and store owners.
benwurgaft

Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
AbbieEvansXO

Every time we read Peter Pan at bed time, I can’t help but do the math on all the money the parents are saving with that dog nannying all three kids
JewelStaite

the best response when someone makes fun of you for reading fiction is to invite them down into your ancient cellar for a glass of wine. they will never suspect what’s coming.
SketchesbyBoze

Thinking about how in Harry Potter there was an evil shop full of death magic on evil street and everyone was just fine with this being a place of business. Wizards are stupid as shit.
gapingmaws

I like how once you get to the Monster’s part of FRANKENSTEIN it’s the Monster being quoted by Victor being quoted by the sea captain and you’re still supposed to believe the sea captain remembered all this and is transcribing it verbatim to his sister

Did the sister not have questions about why her brother wrote a “letter” to her that’s literally novel length

How much was the postage to mail that from the Arctic

arthur_affect

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