The Art of Darkness

Seen Online

January 14th, 2020 by Cobwebs

Happy Anagram Day to all who obverse.

Concept: an exorcist who doesn’t actually have any holy powers, they’re just really socially awkward, and the ghosts become uncomfortable and leave.

Shout out to the clerk at Strand who looked at the cookbook I was buying, looked at the book on poison I was also buying, paused, and asked if I had big weekend plans.

My (35m) best friend (45m) wants me to come enjoy his latest experiment, but I said no. I’m swamped – I have my country’s 500 anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and my rival country to blame for it. AITA?

Story: Cats have nine lives, but don’t know where to keep them. Mouse holes? Beneath the couch? Nine is a lot to keep track of. Most desiccate with lost super balls behind the fridge. Mary found one during spring cleaning once. She likes being a cat.

Abolish valentines day and replace it with winter halloween

i think its fucked up that things are venomous. if a spider wants me dead it should have to eat me like a man

If you’re feeling worried about how little you’ve achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.

house hunters but literally

presenter: today we’re dealing with two detatched properties and a feral bungalow at the end of a cul-de-sac *cheerfully cocks shotgun* let’s get started!


Hieronymus Bob
(via Pixel Pixie)

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

Seen Online

January 7th, 2020 by Cobwebs

I love how Satanic cults in movies always speak in Latin as if Satan had been around for billions of years, encountered the Romans, and then was like “damn this language is IT y’all hell yeah im writing ALL my contracts with this bad boy”

ghosts are so funny. they’re people who were just like “actually, fuck dying” and decided to cause problems on purpose for the rest of everyone else’s lives. goals tbh.

Charlie Brown is an adult now. Snoopy is merely a security question.

To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

dear santa,
i have been nice all year. please use one of your limited christmas miracles to make vampires real. you will not have to bring me any presents on any subsequent years because i do not plan on remaining on the nice list after you make good on this

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

CLERIC: prepare to die, monster. your days of hunting the innocent are over
VAMPIRE: lol no-one “hunts” people anymore
VICTIM (muffled through gag): bite me vladdy
VAMPIRE (cracks riding crop): freely given consent is the cornerstone of safe BDSM. safeword is “garlic”

My kids asked why we don’t have an Elf on the Shelf, and I used that meme, “You don’t bargain with the fey, and you don’t invite them into the house.” My younger boys laughed, but my 12yo gave me big eyes and said, “Wait. Are you serious?” Now I want to know what he’s let in.

Sometimes I look at accounts and media that glamorize weddings and I feel like some women only want to get married to wear a pretty dress, and that makes me sad. You can just as easily get to wear pretty dresses by pledging your soul to Black Phillip

You’d better not shout
You’d better not cry
You’d better watch out
I’m telling you why
The creatures are blind but their hearing is incredibly acute, as is their sense of smell. And they’re hungry. So hungry…

lovecraft: so yeah so this monster looks super fucked
reader: oh man how fucked
lovecraft: you know
reader: i truly do not. give me a description???
lovecraft: ( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º)

Posted in Funny Peculiar | No Comments »

Seen Online

December 10th, 2019 by Cobwebs

Inside of you there are two wolves. That’s nowhere near enough wolves to sustain the population, so we’re starting a reintroduction program. Open wide, please.

one time someone said pavlov probably thought about feeding his dogs every time he heard someone ring a bell and i haven’t been the same since

These 3 ghosts keep trying to teach me the meaning of Christmas in the middle of the night which pisses me off because it’s like, okay this could have been an email 🙄

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

All right, folks – it’s time for this year’s Secret Satan! You know the drill: pick a sin from the hat on the left and a name from the hat on the right. You have thirty days to tempt your assigned victim to commit your assigned sin – or else!

could u imagine if ppl talked about catholicism the same way they talked about like… indigenous ppl’s religions….

girl in horror movie holding a bible open: “according to legend, a mob tortured a half-man, half-god, and nailed him to a wooden cross, leaving him to starve to death. But days later, on this very night, they found he had clawed his way out of the grave. Now those who believe lie in wait for him to rise again, To honour him, they have weekly gatherings where they chant and sing, and at the end of it they eat his flesh and blood.”

girl’s friend: “wow.. thats so creepy…”

horror movie jock: “it’s only a myth, don’t worry”


Give her what she really wants this holiday season: equal pay & an ancient hell wolf.

The earliest cephalopods date back to the Cambrian period. They predate trees and land plants. So, the Earth knew tentacles before it knew leaves. Anyway, sweet dreams.

how long has it been since James Cameron went to the sea floor and something that claims to be James Cameron came back up

lovecraft protagonist: “it was squamous…undulating…plastic…a chaotic madness of flesh….rugose and viscous….IMPOSSIBLE TO DESCRIBE”

Buddy you just did. It’s called a blob. You just described it like an asshole would.


Posted in Funny Peculiar | No Comments »

Seen Online

November 26th, 2019 by Cobwebs

absolutely hate it when im driving down a lonely highway late at night and pass a gaunt, elderly man hitchiking – only to, impossibly, see him again ten miles down the road…and again five miles later…then one mile…c’mon, man. take the hint….

Lovecraft writing horror atmosphere like
*lightning cracks*
*a raven caws*
*wind howls through an old rotten tree*
*a black guy is just kinda standing around smiling politely and waves*
*rats or something*

i was reading about the myth of prometheus today when the phrase “new liver, same eagles” popped into my mind, so i’m keeping that in mind for the next time someone asks me how it’s going

at some point you’ve got to STOP reading the entrails and go out and LIVE that which was portented by them, because you WILL run out of doves

My cask of amontillado brings all the boys to the catacombs
And they’re like, you’re entombing us alive
Damn right, I’m entombing you alive
I could free you
But I’m entombing you alive

poor old granny scorpion-shoes. no one ever saw her death coming

it was pneumonia.

yes, her pet scorpion pneumonia, who lived in her shoe. tragic.

he shot her point blank


I’ve been trying to leave Rome for a few weeks now, but all their roads have this weird design flaw

at some point you’ve got to STOP reading the entrails and go out and LIVE that which was portented by them, because you WILL run out of doves

Hwæt! There’s only one month left in the decade. How do the skalds sing of you, and how many grave goods have you amassed for your barrow?

Saying “it’s time to get ready for bed”

Saying “and now I must attend to my evening affairs”
-mysterious & debonair
-you sound like you know what brandy is


Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

Seen Online

November 6th, 2019 by Cobwebs

All humor is gallows humor if you stop kidding yourself.

When older straight men refer to “The Wife” I like to imagine they’re all describing the same gigantic creature to whom they are all wed
BunchesOfBees (Note: Some of the replies to this thread are delightful.)

I want paranormal angel romance to be a thing again. But instead of the love interest being a male model with wings, it’s like an interdimensional cosmic horror nightmare with ninety-eight eyeballs.

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone’ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone’
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King


it goes like this, the fourth the fifth, the six the seventh the eighth the ninth, the baffled Count composing hallelujah ah ah ah,

Voldemort didn’t try to kill Harry Potter until he was 55
Darth Vader was nearly 40 when he built the Death Star
Hannibal was 52 when he escaped from captivity
Thanos was over 65 when he collected the infinity gems
Annie Wilkes was 44 when she found Paul
It’s never too late ❤️

People talk about caterpillars becoming a butterflies as though they just go into a cocoon, slap on wings, and are good to go.

Caterpillars have to dissolve into a disgusting pile of goo to become butterflies.

So if you’re a mess wrapped up in blankets right now, keep going.


sexy roleplay: i’m a muttering Innsmouth townie and you’re a busybody outsider sticking their nose in places they oughtn’t, but the heady scent of aqua velva on your neck is making me forget that i shouldn’t be telling you nothing about them missing archaeologists

Adults who have rules or opinions about the trick-or-treaters who come to their door can go to hell.

Got no costume? Here’s candy.

You’re 19? Candy.

Weird childless couple pushing a costumed dog in a stroller? Candy is dog poison but I think I have a string cheese.


I like saying things in ways that, while entirely true, make them sound far more worrisome than they actually are, i.e. “my human wife” and “I’m going to brush my teeth and also any other teeth I encounter.”

“I bought another book”
– transactional
– people will ask if you REALLY need more books
– reminds you of your bank balance

“I paid a terrible price for this knowledge”
– classy Faustian vibes
– intimidating
– implies all books are priceless treasures. which they are.


Posted in Funny Peculiar | No Comments »

Seen Online

October 15th, 2019 by Cobwebs

Bard: “What’s all this?”
Paladin: “The druid is in time-out.”
Bard: “What’d you do?”
Druid: “I was selling a gluten-free organic all-natural weight-loss thing.”
Bard: “And?”
Druid: “It was just hungry wolves. Lots of ’em.”

No one ever talks about how an oubliette implies the existence of a larger, and far more terrifying, oobly.

[job interview]
interviewer: so god killed all your kids?
job: that’s right

Zdzisław Beksiński: So first I’ll paint some happy little trees
Beksiński: maybe a little bush
Beksiński: now a crumbling gothic cathedral covered in a pulsing web of arteries
Beksiński: you know, whatever makes you happy

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted
I don’t get it. I’ve lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

The fandom surrounding Pennywise as a character feels really weird considering Pennywise does not exist whatsoever in-canon and is only one of many, many illusory avatars invented on the fly by the Deadlights to eat people with. Yall think you’re thirsty for a baby eating clown but really just want to bang an alien’s novelty chopstick collection.

every morning our cat moves her toys from the bedroom to the living room while screaming, and every night she moves them back, also while screaming. i don’t know the purpose of the ritual but it is the central pillar of my faith

WIZARD: demon I have summoned you to instruct me in the carnal arts
SUCCUBUS: *hands textbook* turn to page 23
SUCCUBUS: and that covers STDs, bringing us to protection. do you still have the ritual banana I gave you?
WIZARD: ☹️ yes

[Lord Byron after Percey Shelley died]
hey guys
you think maybe I could keep his skull?
just as a keepsake
not going to do anything weird with it like turn it into a goblet or something
oh these? yea ok yes these are my skull goblets, from a totally unrelated thing

i wish dwarves were real just because the folk metal they would produce would be completely unfathomable

Posted in Funny Peculiar | No Comments »

Seen Online

September 17th, 2019 by Cobwebs

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

Just imagine if giraffe necks started out short and made the lightsaber-on sound when they extended them.

It’s only fanfic if it’s from the Fanfique region of France. Otherwise it’s just sparkling pornography.

If you encounter a goth in this hot weather DO NOT PICK THEM UP
Instead, put a couple of drops of patchouli oil in a teaspoon of water and leave a Bauhaus album next to them, and they should recover pretty quickly

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half horse, half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

WCW = wine cellar wednesday
ILU = I love unnamed (narrators)
TFW = the floorboards? well
IANAL = I am not annabel lee
LOL = lover of lenore
STFU = sadly, the fall (of) usher
OMW = (an) orangutan murdered (the) women
NVM = nevermore

women are heartily tired of generic compliments. tell your girl “you’ll make a fine crime-solving old lady” and “how many princes have you slain, Baba Yaga” and “time will make corpses of us all and I think that’s hot.”

ME: So you see dead people?
GHOST THERAPIST: Those with insurance, yes.

i love coming home at the end of the day and untying the ribbon around my neck that holds my head on

Posted in Funny Peculiar | No Comments »

Seen Online

July 23rd, 2019 by Cobwebs

There are two wolves inside you. One is Virginia Woolf. The other is Beowulf. You are an Introduction to English Literature syllabus.

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

my body is less of a “temple” and more of a rotting 19th century mansion rumored to be haunted by several wicked and vengeful spirits

Ladyhawke, except instead of being a hawk, Michelle Pfeiffer is a furious goose.
hayBEARS (The rest of the thread is pretty great too.)

Have found myself going “oh, there’s a nice piece of furniture” while watching What We Do In The Shadows and also Only Lovers Left Alive recently and I’m slowly coming to the realization that I have the interior decorating sense of a set dresser shopping for a vampire house

principal: we called your dad
me: fuck
principal: he didn’t answer
me: oh nice
principal: so we called your grandpa
me: but he’s been dead for years
principal: too bad
me: what’d he say
principal: grandpa’s comin
me: what
*a chill wind blows*
principal: grandpa’s comin

So I bought lemonade from these little girls’ lemonade stand and as I was leaving one of them yelled “You’re welcome for the lemonade and good luck fighting the dragon!” so now I’m slightly concerned about how the rest of my day is going to go

Food Network Gothic
• You must beat Bobby Flay. He could be anywhere. Under your bed, in your car, standing right behind your door. He’s biding his time. But when he reveals himself, you Must. Beat. Him.
• The Wontons, long forgotten, haunt your every waking moment. Sometimes you wake up at night to the faint sound of bubbling oil.
• Nobody really leaves Flavor Town.
• Iron Chef. Titanium Chef. Diamond Chef. Carbon Fiber Chef.
• In every dark space, you see the glowing outline of Alton Brown’s grin. You can’t tell what his intentions are.
• The Chairman somersaults through your dreams, cackling.

Concept: with the trend toward smaller family sizes in the modern era, certain prognostically significant genealogical configurations have gone from rare to practically nonexistent, to the point that incumbent destinies are increasingly obliged to take what they can get. So it is that our intrepid protagonist, as the only seventh daughter of a seventh daughter for several thousand miles in any direction, finds herself the simultaneous Chosen One of four unrelated and seemingly mutually exclusive prophesies.

[using Ouija board]
“yo Chad, can you hear us?”
“this is gonna take a while, Chad died in 1999.”

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

Seen Online

June 11th, 2019 by Cobwebs

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no

I’m goth enough to know that if you hear an out-of-tune piano start playing in an abandoned house, you go into that house.

I have a deep-seated fear of running water. Or any liquid with legs really.

TEMP AGENCY: Okay, so, based on past work experience, where would you say your strengths lies?
OOMPAH LOOMPAH: I’m good at singing after a child dies, if you have anything with that.

I love watching horror movies with a dog. I get scared but they’re just like, “hell yeah, bones”

a baby grand piano implies the existence of sex organs

*stifles a laugh as I put the sleeping Wicked Witch’s hand in a pan of warm water*

Just got back from the mutation lab and boy are my arms legs

Me: *cuts the box in half and spins both sides to show the audience*
[from the back of the wake] “dude”

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

Seen Online

May 28th, 2019 by Cobwebs

let me be clear, when you roll a 20 to seduce the monster, that is not you being so sexy that the monster becomes into you. that is you being so lucky that the monster’s first boyfriend looked a lot like you and they still have a lot of stuff to work out.

breast augmentation just means they make them bigger or smaller, it’s never anything cool like a robot eye or a poison dart launcher installed right in the boob

Baba Yaga
Scary Yaga
Sporty Yaga
Ginger Yaga
Posh Yaga

Kids putting their teeth under their pillows is the most occultist shit in the world. Yes, child, put the discarded bone under your pillow. if you are lucky the tiny demon will come and make her purchase. Sell your bones for riches, my child, your youth will be spent soon.

Supervillains announcing their plans is actually a union thing so they can’t be sued for damages someone else may commit at the same time

Spiders are goth sewing machines.

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

There’s a Wikipedia article of “list of body parts named after people” and it’s great. Awards:
* Most Likely to be a Death Metal Band: Crypts of Lieberkühn
* Most Unfortunate Naming Choice: Sphincter of Oddi
* What Is This, Some Kind Of D&D Thing: Zonule of Zinn
* Hottest Medical Eponym: Apley grind test
* Most Likely To Be What Some Frat Bro Calls His Genitals: Bodansky unit
* Probably Secretly Some Gross Traditional British Food: Clutton’s joints

me criticizing fantasy settings in 2007: lmao none of this geography makes sense. and look at these names. this one has four apostrophes in it

me criticizing fantasy settings in 2017: has no one…has no one considered the matter of fishing rights


Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

« Previous Entries