The Art of Darkness

Seen Online

July 22nd, 2015 by Cobwebs

I can’t begin to imagine how much pressure there must be within the skeleton community to know how to play the xylophone

When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.

Right now, there are millions of formally dressed skeletons in our ground.

If you were at a party with a vampire and drew on his face, he would never find out.

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop ass, that means someone out there is canning whoop ass…I’d be more afraid of that second guy.

The 1840’s called. Mostly ghosts.

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

what if the spider I killed in my home has spent his entire life thinking he was my room-mate and that suddenly I had some sort of psychotic break

A heart shape with initials cut into the tree bark means someone went on a date with a knife.



Did you know that you actually can never forget a face? Every single face you’ve ever seen during your life gets stored into your memories, and gets used up later. For example, in dreams your brain can’t just make up a face. Every single face you’ve seen in your dream, you’ve seen somewhere once in your life.

And those strange nightmares you’ve had of those terrible demon like creatures?

You’ve seen them around too, you just cant remember. You don’t want to remember.

this post started off as a John Green novel and ended as a Stephen King.

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Dawn of the…Everything

July 20th, 2015 by Cobwebs

This faux trailer for the movie Dawn of the Planet of the Zombies and the Killer Plants on Some Serious Acid definitely looks like the next summer blockbuster.

(via The Presurfer)

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Office Kingdom

July 13th, 2015 by Cobwebs

This short film reveals the truth about those bored-looking agents at bureaucratic offices: They’re actually fantasy warriors who must quest for the all-important approval stamp.

(via io9)

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July 2nd, 2015 by Cobwebs

There’s a fun thread over on BoingBoing where everyone is playing Corrupt-a-Wish:

The rules are simple:

I make a wish, and the next person to post finds an ironic way to derive bad consequences from granting the wish, or to otherwise tag a downside to it, and so on and so forth.


Person 1:
i wish i had a Corvette

Person 2:
granted. you got it real cheap because it was crushed under a giant anvil.
i wish i was the most attractive person in the world

Person 3:
granted. you are the most attractive person in the world, and both sexes now want your body.
i wish i had a big, juicy steak.

Person 4:
granted. how’s your diet going?
i wish i was invulnerable to every kind of harm.

…and so on, with the next person thinking up a Monkey’s Paw-like twist to the previous person’s wish, then making a wish of their own. It sounds like it’d be fun to play with friends, either in person or on a Facebook or blog thread. If my commentariat wants to come out of the woodwork, we can try it here as well.

I’ll start: I wish I had the power to read other peoples’ minds, but only when I chose to do so.

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Seen Online

June 25th, 2015 by Cobwebs

Live each day as if it were your last, ’cause I’m gonna kill you but I’m not super-good w/schedules

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

I’m not saying you’re easy…
But it takes Tim Burton more effort to get Johnny Depp in a movie of his.

missed connection:
I walked by you carrying a cage full of bats in birthday hats. You pretended not to see us. What is your home address,

I’d actually be more offended if I got to hell and there WEREN’T a special place for me there.

All of the creepy ghosts in my house live in the 5 yards of hallway between my bathroom to my bedroom.

A friend borrowed my Sandman books to read during chemo. My ankh-wearing, goth daughter offered to retrieve them. Bad idea? @neilhimself

I’ve always wondered. When retailers say “PRODUCT X AT UNHEARD OF PRICES!”, do they make up an entirely new number system? Or just not talk?

No thanks Ouija boards, I don’t even want to talk to the living.

I want to see a Miyazaki Hentai – like, there’s tentacles, but they’re respectful and just do chores. #honor

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Dark Lord Funk

June 15th, 2015 by Cobwebs

YouTube channel KFaceTV is dedicated to “Nerd-centric” parodies and comical shorts, with videos like Talk Nerdy to Me and a Hunger Games parody of Ariana Grande’s “Problem.” In their latest release they apparently managed to dig up every Harry Potter geek in Utah (and a python named Snape) to show how Voldemort parties before attacking Hogwarts.

There’s a Behind the Scenes video as well.

(Hat tip to xJane)

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Shower Thoughts

June 11th, 2015 by Cobwebs

Reddit has a category called Shower Thoughts, where people share the random minor epiphanies that often seem to hit when one is standing in the shower. A Tumblr called Just Shower Thoughts collects some of the best of them. Some are amusing–I think my favorite is, “I wonder what my dog named me”–but a lot of them are nicely macabre. Here’s a sampling:

Tomorrow I graduate. In all likelihood at least one picture taken will be used at my funeral to remember me. Tomorrow I pose for my funeral.

Most people are buried in suits and stuff so a zombie apocalypse would be a formal event

Eating a potato is pretty Irish, but so is not eating a potato.

When there’s an earthquake, coffins become huge underground maracas.

A good tattoo parlor would be one that keeps a couple dictionaries in the waiting room.

Candles are how we keep fires as pets

I wonder if I’ve already bought the clothes I’m going to die in.

Ice cubes float around in pools of their own blood…

Whenever I kill a bug, I wonder how many zillions of years back we shared a common ancestor. Aeons ago, a clutch of eggs hatched; some young wriggled this way, others that way; the lineages diverged…and now these two descendants have met in this fatal way.

“Show them what we’re made of” is a terrible battle cry when fighting with swords.

The swimming pool in the Titanic is still full.

I just realized that “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side” is a joke about suicide

If the first person Arnold had encountered had been a drag queen on a motor scooter, The Terminator would have been quite a different movie.

Spiders are the classic everyday vigilante. They are generally misunderstood, everyone hates them, and yet, they protect us from having to deal with all of the shitty bugs we would otherwise encounter in their absence.

There are songs you’ve already heard for the last time.

There’s also a Twitter feed run by the moderators which features additional gems.

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The Grand Overlook Hotel

June 8th, 2015 by Cobwebs

I’m a sucker for a good film trailer mashup. When filmmaker Steve Ramsden noticed that Wes Anderson and Stanley Kubrick frame their shots in a similar way, the only logical thing was to create “Wes Anderson’s The Shining.”

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Dinosaurs: Terrible Lizards

May 11th, 2015 by Cobwebs

Rathergood’s short nature documentary shows just how terrible at being lizards they actually were.

(via Laughing Squid)

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Seen Online

May 6th, 2015 by Cobwebs

Maybe bats leave Hell in a slow and orderly fashion.

me: all our teeth fall out as children and then they all grow back stronger
alien: okay, i mean…that definitely sounds fake, but…okay.

When it’s my time, I just want to go in a way that leaves my Wikipedia entry a “Death and Aftermath” section.

An all-cat Ghostbusters reboot that’s just 90 minutes of them staring intently and occasionally meowing at a blank wall.

Game of Thrones gets a lot less dramatic when you remind yourself Lannisters, Starks, and Greyjoys alike all have to shit in fancy buckets.

In Australia it was called The Passion of the Crikey.

Why would you not name your pet shark Jump?

I think that the moment right before you die, you hear your mother calling you inside as the streetlights flicker on

Actually, I’m leasing a stairway to heaven.
I also craft artisinal bustles, specifically for hedgerows, which have the quality of not alarming passers-by.

i’ve figured out that horror games with grotesque monsters and spooky environments are -9000 scary if you pretend you’re steve irwin on a mission to document the monster(s)
“Lookie there. That’s a six-foot grunt from the basement. A-hm gonna wrassle it.”

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