The Art of Darkness

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January 21st, 2021 by Cobwebs

Sometimes you’re the mad scientest, sometimes you’re the slightly irritated scienter.
KellyDMcC

A storm is approaching, and I’m about to do one of my favourite things: go out in the middle of the night and leave several fish on top of my neighbour’s car.
thewritertype

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
SketchesbyBoze

She had legs that just would not quit. We tried to force quit them via the Task Manager, but Windows was not responding.
AlexandraErin

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
dorsalstream

The Skarsgårds are goth Hemsworths
Kendragarden

When in doubt, let nature guide you.
Specifically, cactuses.
Stay hydrated.
Shelter owls.
Stab your predators.
CryptoNature

DoorDash but instead of food, spiders.
NightValeRadio

The sad irony is, if Jack Torrance had just written down what was happening to him, he would have written The Shining, a very successful book.
TNeenan

We’ve been through the wringer and it’s okay to feel emotionally compromised. Take time to pause. Relax. Breathe. Go outside, even in the cold, look at birds. Watch them flit. Listen to chirps and songs. Sing back. Sing their secret song. Let them in. Wow now you’re made of birds
ChuckWendig

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December 15th, 2020 by Cobwebs

live your life in such a way that the Puritans would pass a law forbidding you from entering New England
SketchesbyBoze

Son: daddy, will Santa be allowed to come this year?
Me: Afraid not, kiddo
Daughter: *dismantling bear trap* so we wait til next year?
Me: no… *loading crossbow* …we take the fight to him
HansGrubertron

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
drankturpentine

i no longer contain multitudes. there has been a breach. repeat, there has been a breach.
thesravaka

police officer: there’s a dead body in your basement
schrödinger: [sighing] well there is now
kieransofar

The McRib implies the existence of the McSkull.
ZipperMouth_

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
IvoryGazelle

The Anti-Christ came to my Christmas party & turned all the wine into water. HATE that guy.
JohnFugelsang

Could someone else please follow my dreams for a while? I just really need to sit down.
dorsalstream

every woman you know has witnessed things she would rather not talk about: the girl whose face she stole and then trapped in a mirror, the untimely deaths of her three husbands, the fallen star whose heart she consumes to stay young
SketchesbyBoze

it’s always “this doll is haunted and is ominously shattering the china” and never “how can I provide adequate enrichment for my haunted doll so she doesn’t destroy stuff out of boredom”

responsible haunted doll ownership means aknowledging your doll’s need for interaction and play time! make sure to give her plenty of stuff to look at with her rolling eyes and shatter-proof things to knock over.

remember that knocking picture frames off walls, inverting crosses, and leaving long and disturbing claw marks in your wallpaper is natural haunted doll behaviour and should be managed in a way which is healthy for both you and your doll!

Your Doll’s Not Evil, She’s Just Bored

shakespork

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Seen Online

November 21st, 2020 by Cobwebs

dracula: you gotta stop man
me: [turning another vegan into a vampire] lol but they get SO mad
Skoog

[first day as a scarecrow]
me: psssst
crow: what
me: over 200,000 acres of rainforest are burned everyday
crow: HOLY SHIT
TweetPotato314

This is my first rodeo. What kind of animal is that. Who’s that guy in the barrel. What’s up with the timer. What the fuck is going on here.
ClueHeywood

Virtual meetings are basically modern seances.
“Elizabeth are you here?”
“Make a sound if you can hear us.”
“Is anyone else with you?”
“We can’t see you, can you hear us?”
McClellandShane

pick your battles. pick… pick fewer battles than that. put some battles back. that’s too many
thequeerwithoutfear

HIRING MANAGER: have you ever been arrested or charged with a crime?
ME: yes, one count of possession
HIRING MANAGER: of firearms, or controlled substances?
ME: *eyes glowing red, head slowly rotating 360 degrees on my neck* no
jelenawoehr

You ever think about the kind of guy who makes a cursed amulet? Like, “ooh hoo hoo, whoever puts this on is gonna have a nasty surprise!” Get a real hobby.
maxknightley

The single most important thing a man can do to be an ally is give his woman friends permission to give dudes at the bar his number so when they call he can angrily say that’s not funny because she died 15 years ago that very night
BudrykZack

will literally never get over the existence of the donner party memorial picnic area
xtraterrestrials

saying “so when’s the baby??” at a wedding:
• rude
• invasive

yelling “I AM THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS, THERE WILL BE NO SURVIVORS”:
• unexpected
• you get to wear a cloak
• strike fear into the heart of Prince Humperdinck

SketchesbyBoze

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October 1st, 2020 by Cobwebs

the most unrealistic thing about the Girl with the Green Ribbon is that she wasn’t constantly untying the ribbon as a dare, to the delight and horror of her friends, at college parties
SketchesbyBoze

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
longwall26

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
LizHackett

what’s the stupidest, most trivial thing you would do, if you had the ability to time travel without affecting history? personally, I would make T. S. Eliot watch Cats
underthenettle

<the invention of gryphons>
lion: we absolutely cannot tell your husband
eagle: I THINK HE’S GONNA FIGURE IT OUT, KEVIN
cavaticat

*walks into an antique store* i’d like to see your most evil items, please
generalgrievousdatingsim

My 9yo upon seeing David Bowie for the first time: “That’s a fancy vampire!”
lyzl

Teaching a writing class for under-10s:
Me: So, everyone, what does a story NEED?
Small boy: A character!
Small boy 2: A setting!
Small girl, a gleam in her eyes, in a near-whisper: REVENGE.
JacksonPearce

If you gaze long into the abyss, please wear a face covering and maintain social distancing. No more than six people are permitted to gaze into the same abyss, and different households must not gaze into each other’s abyss without first self-isolating for fourteen days.
thewritertype

tired of men telling a lady what she can and can’t do: “don’t wear lipstick” “don’t have opinions” “don’t fake your own disappearance to lure a policeman out to a remote isle where he will be burned in a wicker man”
SketchesbyBoze

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August 11th, 2020 by Cobwebs

An app like Tinder except instead of matching with living people, you match with ghosts that want your help to solve the mystery around how they died.
roxiqt

Showing Marie Kondo my apartment, which is filled with swords. “This kicks ass,” she says. “Don’t throw anything out”
ShariaUncle

About to slouch towards Bethlehem anyone need anything?
redsarahead4

early humans: hey ive invented a thing called a barn
barn owls: thank fuck
egg_dog

I see your Christmas in July and raise you Halloween in ALWAYS.
Kendragarden

Girls with Ouija board: omg ok does Josh have a crush on Katie
Me, the spirit of a Medieval serf: man I don’t fuckin know. Sure
jil_slander

…and the babysitter said, “I’ve put the kids to bed, but that clown statue is freaking me out.”
“Oh my god!”, said the father, “Get out of the house as fast as you can!”
“What?!”, cried the babysitter
“Take the clown statue and get out of the house! WE DON’T HAVE ANY KIDS!!”
Brainmage

After 4 months of social distancing I feel like Jack in The Shining could have kept it together a little better. He had THREE people to talk to and a HUGE HOUSE with LOTS OF GHOST FRIENDS.
JenAshleyWright

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
kibblesmith

[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
PleaseBeGneiss

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April 27th, 2020 by Cobwebs

Thesis: vampires are so melodramatic as a form of behavioural infosec. While their bewildering collections of odd mannerisms make it easy to clock them as vampires, they also make it extremely difficult to tell which of those mannerisms stem from some esoteric weakness or strange limitation on their vampire powers, and which are just them being extra.
prokopetz

You are only called Doctor if you are from the doctorate region of academia, otherwise it’s just sparkling nerd.
Constababble

Werewolf: *transforming* You have to go, now! I don’t want you to see me like this…
Human s/o: Don’t push me away! I’m not afraid of you!!
Werewolf: No no I’m just really dumb as a wolf and I don’t want you to see me bark at a mirror for two hours
mydearestmonster

SARUMAN (kneeling before a Palantir): What is thy will, Sauron, lord of Middle-Earth?
BURNING EYE: BUILD ME AN ARMY WORTHY OF-
MR. SNEEBLES: mew
BURNING EYE: WHAT IS THAT
SARUMAN: Forgive Mr. Sneebles, lord! I’ll move him.
BURNING EYE: NO, NO. I TOTALLY WANT TO SEE THE CAT
scottlynch78

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Diversion50

Advice podcast in a fantasy setting with questions like “I love my werewolf girlfriend but she has a fierce territorial dispute with the neighbour’s St Bernard. How can I let my girlfriend know I’m on her side and I love her but also let her know that I think she shouldn’t be arguing with a literal puppy without upsetting her”
dajo42

ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
iamspacegirl

a “horror” movie about a demon baby, but the parents are chill with it and treat them normally.

“There’s a circle of fire on the front lawn” “Looks like it’s somebody’s naptime”

“Hon, the baby’s on the ceiling again.” “Hold on, i’ll get the broom”

“The baby’s speaking in strange tongues” “Raising children bilingually has so many benefits”

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses

Of course I have body issues, I can’t turn into a fucking wolf.
DothTheDoth

Don’t let anyone tell you that collecting baseball cards or golf balls or stamps or wine corks is somehow more valid or acceptably grownup than collecting plush owls or swords or animal bones found in the woods or the souls of the dead. It’s not.
MageOfSolitude

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March 10th, 2020 by Cobwebs

Every time I see ants in my rubber plant, I whisper, “The prophecy has been fulfilled.”
KBSpangler

Dating in your 30s should be more fun which is why when I have a one night stand, I write “Croatan” on their bathroom mirror in lipstick before I bounce.
valhallabckgirl

FUCK conversation starters, we only use conversation STOPPERS in this house! “Oh hi, how was your day?” “I’d peg Michael Myers.” BOOM! Conversation, dead in a flash!
weaver-z

The only beach body advice I need is how deep to dig so high tide won’t lead to the world discovering my gruesome secret.
HillaryMonahan

“Yo WHAT UP, it’s ya boi Anubis, back at it again with another soul unboxing video.

Now as you can see, this one is a little heavier than a feather, which longtime fans of the channel will know is REALLY bad, haha”

WritNelson

ghost character that goes “oooooh” and rattles chains, and eventually we see a flashback to when they were alive and constantly went “ooooooh” and rattled chains, surrounded by regular people at the office
baking-accident

The reason vampires can’t see themselves in mirrors is not because they lack reflections.
They simply do not pass the mirror test and each time a vampire catches sight of themself in a mirror they go into a territorial attack mode and try to fight that other dracula encroaching on their lair.
glumshoe

an apocalyptic cult prophetically warning that the world won’t end, ever

it’s just going to keep going on like this, groans dismal prophet

argumate

Gandalf: yo i’m back from isengard had to ride a fucken eagle to get here what’s up
Elrond: the ring must be destroyed
Frodo: i’ll carry it
Gandalf: oh damn that’s a long ass walk dude i hope you have comfy shoes
Frodo: wait didn’t you say you rode an eagle here
Gandalf: no
nyquills

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
House guest: That’s such a nice perspecti-
Me: Yep it’s haunted. The whole thing. Just so fucking haunted.
ronnui_

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February 18th, 2020 by Cobwebs

Self care isn’t always chocolate & NetFlix. Sometimes, it’s getting out of bed & doing more difficult tasks like summoning a demon to help with the dishes or finding the right number of chicken bones to appease the thing that lives in the attic.
roxiqt

Look

I like to think if I was set upon by a world-class assassin, I would take the situation seriously

but if they made threatening eye contact with me as they licked some of my blood off their exotically curvy knife blade, I’d stop our duel dead to lecture them about tetanus

NotLikeFreddy

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll
Browtweaten

airline gate attendant: I understand that your little boy is difficult and hard to keep track of, but no, airline policy strictly forbids checking children in the cargo hold. you’ll have to-

members of the band Kansas: <deep breath>

cavaticat

Demon: (appears)
Cleric: This … isn’t a good time.
Demon:
Entire Congregation:
Demon: Yeah, no, I can see that.
Cleric: Is there … did you leave something at my place last night?
Demon: Fuck’s sake, at least PRETEND to banish me.
Cleric: Oh. Oh yeah! SHOO, NAUGHTY ONE!
boomer_kid

Concept: one of those “ooh, we messed with this creepy old religious site and now we’re all cursed” stories, except it’s set centuries in the future and the site in question is a derelict Church of Scientology building.

Honestly, I just want to see the obligatory wise mentor who explains how they’re all going to die in the second act say “rogue thetans” with a straight face.

prokopetz

Look, sometimes murders of crows will blacken the sky at your coming and ravening wolves are gonna follow in your wake, and you’re just gonna have to deal with that, and everybody else in the Costco is just gonna have to deal too
wodneswynn

me: *wailing dramatically in a long Victorian dress with a lit candelabra down one of the many dimly lit corridors of my gothic mansion at midnight*

my spouse: *turning on the hall light* we fucking talked about this

faeriesfang

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
mageofsolitude

demonic possession is a decent trope but you know what’s even better? demonic cohabitation. just 2 people sharing the same body and both being the world’s worst roommate about it.

the demon sharing a body with me: *looking at my depression meal in horror* we… are NOT eating that
me: oh so you can eat the souls of the innocent but you’re too good for leftover spaghetti huh

*fights the demon living in my body over whose turn it is to answer the phone*

generalgrievousdatingsim

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January 29th, 2020 by Cobwebs

Warrior: I swear I will have my revenge for the death of my brother.
Elf: You have my bow.
Dwarf: And my axe.
Necromancer: And your brother.
catchymemes

Sorry if I’m not your cup of tea. I’m not even my own cup of tea. I’m barely a cup and I don’t like tea. I’m more like a rusty bucket of haunted bog water. Sorry if I’m not your rusty bucket of haunted bog water.
TragicAllyHere

a vampire giving themselves a pep talk to a mirror that has a crudely drawn picture of themselves that they drew taped to it
farvann

[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
MNateShyamalan

doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
climaxximus

Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed. Our menu options have become moodier, darker. Our menu options have been spending a lot of time in their room lately. We think our menu options might be up to something.
dorsalstream

I wish there wasn’t so much stigma around death. I’m excited for my eventual passing! I want my skull to be cleaned and engraved with something uplifting and bizarre

Someone finding my weird mutant brain shell in an old tin box under a Midwestern bomb shelter in the year 3008: What the fuck

*turning it over to see the words “everything will be okay” carved into the back*

(Softly) what the fuck

teaboot

It takes a village. Who knows what it will take next? Be safe.
NightValeRadio

*demon stands amid your destroyed work space*
Demon: *booming* HOW? How were you able to summon me?!
You (frantically clicking undo) *screaming and crying*: I don’t know. I was just trying to format an outline in Word. You were supposed to be bullet points
MeredithIreland

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
MNateShyamalan

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January 14th, 2020 by Cobwebs

Happy Anagram Day to all who obverse.
JoshMalina

Concept: an exorcist who doesn’t actually have any holy powers, they’re just really socially awkward, and the ghosts become uncomfortable and leave.
prokopetz

Shout out to the clerk at Strand who looked at the cookbook I was buying, looked at the book on poison I was also buying, paused, and asked if I had big weekend plans.
lvanden1

My (35m) best friend (45m) wants me to come enjoy his latest experiment, but I said no. I’m swamped – I have my country’s 500 anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and my rival country to blame for it. AITA?
AlyshondraM

Story: Cats have nine lives, but don’t know where to keep them. Mouse holes? Beneath the couch? Nine is a lot to keep track of. Most desiccate with lost super balls behind the fridge. Mary found one during spring cleaning once. She likes being a cat.
rachelswirsky

Abolish valentines day and replace it with winter halloween
ThyArtIsMemes

i think its fucked up that things are venomous. if a spider wants me dead it should have to eat me like a man
stimman4000

If you’re feeling worried about how little you’ve achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.
CharlieDinkin

house hunters but literally

presenter: today we’re dealing with two detatched properties and a feral bungalow at the end of a cul-de-sac *cheerfully cocks shotgun* let’s get started!

generalgrievousdatingsim

Hieronymus Bob
(via Pixel Pixie)

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