The Art of Darkness

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January 27th, 2016 by Cobwebs

Gryffindor: Do what is right
Ravenclaw: Do what is wise
Hufflepuff: Do what is kind

I feel like people in horror movies live in an alternate universe where there are no horror movies.

on earth: a magician puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabbit council must chose a sacrifice

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

Winter is like the Earth’s period. No one likes it, but we get worried when it’s late
Shower Thoughts

“A smile is the prettiest thing you can wear.” No. The prettiest thing you can wear is the flayed skin of a stranger telling you to smile.

I love how whenever ghosts or spirits are incorporated into television or film they’re always like 19th century British children or present-day deceased loved ones. Over 100 billion people have lived and are dead now. Do you know what percentage of 100 billion are from Victorian-era England or people you actually knew? Like negative zero percent is how many. And yet I haven’t seen a single movie where the ghost is some really confused guy from the Mesolithic period.

In the dog world, humans are elves that routinely live to be 500+ years old.

“There’s a monster under my bed!”
“Yes. He watches over you at night and chases away your nightmares.”

“There’s a monster in my closet!”
“Yes. She loves the smell of the laundry detergent I use, and she’s busy trying to organize your shoes.”

“There’s a monster under the stairs!”
“Yes. She collects spiders and he makes sure you don’t trip while going to get water.”

“There’s a monster right outside my window!”
“Yes. He’s pulling weeds from the garden and protecting us from burglars.”

“There’s a monster behind the couch!”
“Yes. He’s eating all the crumbs you left behind and hiding pennies in the cushions.”

“Oh. Then good night.”
“Good night, Dear.”


if i was a ghost i would do useful things like let the cat out or take flammable things off the stove and sing to small children when they can’t sleep and terrify the fuck out of assholes hell yeah bitches. what was that? did I hear you make a derogatory remark about women? bam, your lamp is now on the floor what cha going to do punk? are you abusing that child? wambo, your walls are now bleeding motherfucker

I’m eating your food and your Netflix suggestions are gonna be fucked up.
“Why the fuck would I be watching Supernatural?”
“Ooooooo don’t take that off your queue oooooo.”
— Tyree

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Seen Online

January 6th, 2016 by Cobwebs

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll.

If someone killed the 1st zombie, stopping a zombie apocalypse from happening, he\she would more than likely go to prison.

I just think Halloween is too small in its ambition. We can be creepy EVERY DAY.

The best part of home ownership is that when I clean the house I pretend to be my own rebellious lady’s maid who’s getting above her station

And then when I’m done cleaning the house I can pretend to be my own queenly housekeeper who finds fault in my own work

A lot of home ownership is doing everything myself but pretending to be a complex staff of Regency-era servants and masters

Like I mopped yesterday but today I skated around my kitchen on Windexed paper towels grumbling about my unsatisfactory mopping

I shall have to have a word with myself, the slattern

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

If someone doesn’t show up from the future to stop you how bad of an idea could it be?

A dildo is the sex toy most likely to be referenced in a hobbit rap battle.

Disappointed there’s no Brazilian horror movie about tourists-turned-zombies called A Gringo Ate My Baby.

Are Medusa’s leg hairs tiny snakes?
Shower Thoughts

You know those cutesy embroidery-looking graphics with, like, a butterfly saying “Be a bitch” or “Never Apologize” in cursive letters? (and the butterflies and flowers with faces and pastel colors are supposed to show that these are messages for women, only somehow that isn’t sexist)? They show up a lot on certain pop feminist blogs and they’ve always bugged me.

Anyway, I kind of want to do a series of opposite graphics. Like, a really metal looking t-rex saying in spiky, blood-dripping letters “Be polite to all you interact with” or a flaming shark saying “err on the side of apologizing if you think you may have hurt someone.” Fuck the “cutesy aggression” aesthetic. I want snarling, badass, compassionate etiquette.

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Death is Not an Option

December 31st, 2015 by Cobwebs

After a long hiatus, it’s finally time for another round of Death is Not an Option! The rules, as always, are simple: Given the choice of a pair of characters, you have to decide which one you’d rather sleep with; choosing death instead is not an option. This time it’s Scary Monsters and Super Creeps.

The Sharp-Dressed Man Matchup
Gentlemen   Silence
The Gentlemen (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) vs. The Silence (Doctor Who)

The Entirely Too Much Mucous Matchup
Xenomorph   Predator
Xenomorph (Alien) vs. Yautja (Predator)

The Grandma, What Big Eyes You Have Matchup
Martian   Invaders
Martian (Mars Attacks!) vs. Invaders (They Live)

The Wicked Witches Matchup
Wicked Witch of the West   Grand High Witch
Wicked Witch of the West (Wizard of Oz) vs. Grand High Witch (The Witches)

The Ugly on the Inside (Male) Matchup
Mr. Dark   Goblin King
Mr. Dark (Something Wicked This Way Comes) vs. Goblin King (Labyrinth)

The Ugly on the Inside (Female) Matchup
Maleficent   Ravenna
Maleficent (Maleficent) vs. Queen Ravenna (Snow White and the Huntsman)

The Psycho Slasher Matchup
Leatherface   Freddy Krueger
Leatherface (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) vs. Freddy Krueger (A Nightmare on Elm Street)

The Harryhausen’s Hotties Matchup
Medusa   Kali
Medusa (Clash of the Titans) vs. Kali (The Golden Voyage of Sinbad)

The Scary Guys Played by Doug Jones Matchup*
Billy Butcherson   Pale Man
Billy Butcherson (Hocus Pocus) vs. Pale Man (Pan’s Labyrinth)

The Smells Like Pond Scum Matchup
Gillman   Swamp Thing
Gillman (Creature from the Black Lagoon) vs. Alex Holland (Swamp Thing)

Leave your choices in the comments. And remember…Death is not an option.

*What? Too niche?

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Seen Online

December 23rd, 2015 by Cobwebs

Cosplaying is for people who want to have Halloween whenever the fuck they want.

Just once, when people ask me how my day was, I would like to truthfully reply with “….sinister”

Who called it a “tramp stamp” and not a “tragic back story”?

In Field of Dreams, Kevin Costner summoned an undead army and forced their restless souls to play for his amusement and no one said a thing.

“Avada kedavra!” shouted Voldemort, instantly killing Lily Potter and her infant son.
The End
–George R.R. Martin’s Harry Potter

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” into your car’s side mirror three times and watch her jog and try to keep up.

Dogs are just wolves who decided to get humans to hunt for them. We don’t own dogs, we just work for smart wolves.

When you saw only one reflection,
It was then that Dracula carried you.


I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
— Pablo Neruda, Sonnet XVII
(This isn’t funny; I just thought it was pretty and would be rather nice as the sentiment on a goth wedding invitation and couldn’t figure out where else to put it)

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Happy Sad Songs: Jingle Bells

December 21st, 2015 by Cobwebs

The Gregory Brothers like to experiment with major/minor key changes, switching happy songs to sad ones and vice-versa. Here’s their mournful version of “Jingle Bells.”

One way that a lot of people die is by going out in the snow to ride sleighs, partying too hard, and then getting frostbite and hypothermia. BEWARE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON! you’ll be safe if you drink a lot of hot cocoa, probably.

(via The Presurfer)

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Handjob Cabin

December 7th, 2015 by Cobwebs

This faux-movie trailer follows group of young, carefree people whose idyllic cabin getaway is interrupted by a sexually-frustrated ghost who died during a jerkoff misadventure. She won’t rest until she finishes the job she started…but she can’t. She won’t even use lotion.

Sorta NSFW, doncha know.

(Hat tip to Fiend4Halloween)

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Seen Online

November 18th, 2015 by Cobwebs

If I were Neil Armstrong, on my deathbed I would have whispered “We weren’t the first” as my last dying breath.

Ladybug on the streets, praying mantis in the sheets.

5-year-old: Why does Mom always wrap a towel around her hair after she showers?
Me: She’s hiding Lord Voldemort on the back of her head.

If you ask a dog if he’s a good boy, legally he has to tell you.

[makes a voodoo doll of himself]
[gives it a little back rub]

If I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death, I wouldn’t be saying “Yay!”

Actually, something wicked has already arrived.

I see the afterlife as nothing more than the promise of pantsing the non-departed.

Really? A fucking salad??
– Julius Caesar coming back to life

“I’m tired because my cat kept waking me up all night for cuddles,” he said probably-not-surviving-too-long-into-the-zombie-apocalypsely.

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Seen Online

October 14th, 2015 by Cobwebs

I once murdered a man by pushing him into a comic book store and yelling, “He thinks Darth Vader would beat Batman.”

Bit of an oversell, “dragonflies.”

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

If you go out for American food in Mexico does a grunge band come up and loudly play at your table?

How did people first figure out that it was cicadas that make this noise? I could see that taking a long time.
Were there just like a thousand years where people were like “yeah, the trees are screaming. They do that in the summer.”

My doctor says that one day I will be able to eat baba ghanoush without singing “Baba ghanoush (snap snap)” to the Addams Family theme.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me ten times, congrats! You filled the punch-card! This shame is on the house!

Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I’m the jerk.

Books are just dead, tattooed trees.

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

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Seen Online

September 2nd, 2015 by Cobwebs

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

Lighten the mood at funerals by handing a wooden stake to the person next to you and whispering, “He was a vampire. You know what to do.”

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

I feel quite sinister when I buy a houseplant. “Welcome to my home. I will kill you. It’s just a matter of when”.

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

Bug in iPhone5 – predictive text controlled by the soul of the Chinese worker who committed suicide making it. How very help me I’m in hell.

Every poodle is fairly positive that it’s Marie Antoinette

Cool Curse Idea: Every time your enemy talks, a bunch of jelly beans fall out of his mouth.

I just spent a lot of time thinking about a Weird Science reboot where Gabourey Sidibe and Rebel Wilson accidentally create Channing Tatum



can’t you imagine it though?

ginny’s going through a questioning phase and her older brothers keep making sex jokes so she writes in her diary “what’s a clitoris?” and tom’s on the other side like “i am a dark lord but i have a duty to this poor girl”

are you trying to insinuate that Voldemort gave Ginny Weasley the sex talk

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Bad Halloween Jokes

August 25th, 2015 by Cobwebs

Last week when I posted about the Halloween version of Christmas crackers, I mentioned the fact that the crackers traditionally include jokes. Several enthusiastic commenters replied that they couldn’t be just any jokes, they had to be really, really bad jokes. Intrepid commenter KJ asked, “There must be some great Halloween jokes to use. What are the chances of a cringe-worthy Halloween joke post?”

Ask and ye shall receive. (This oughta teach you not to ask.)

What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
Because you can see right through them!

What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?

Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath.

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
Ice Scream.

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
“Do you believe in people?”

Why can’t ghosts have babies?
All the boys have Hollow weenies.

How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes.

Why don’t mummies take vacations?
They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.

When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone.

Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.

What do you call two spiders who just got married?

What kind of ghosts haunt chicken coops?

Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?
Have you ever tried to iron a monster?

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?

What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand-witch.

Why couldn’t the ghost see its mom and dad?
Because they were trans-parents!

Which monster is the best dancer?
The boogey-man!

What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!

What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon?
A sour-puss.

Why was the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher.

How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.

What do you call dead cows that come back to life?

What goes “Ha-ha-ha . . . THUD!”
A monster laughing his head off

Why wouldn’t the skeleton cross the road?
He didn’t have the guts

Got any others? Leave ’em in the comments!

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