The Art of Darkness

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March 10th, 2020 by Cobwebs

Every time I see ants in my rubber plant, I whisper, “The prophecy has been fulfilled.”
KBSpangler

Dating in your 30s should be more fun which is why when I have a one night stand, I write “Croatan” on their bathroom mirror in lipstick before I bounce.
valhallabckgirl

FUCK conversation starters, we only use conversation STOPPERS in this house! “Oh hi, how was your day?” “I’d peg Michael Myers.” BOOM! Conversation, dead in a flash!
weaver-z

The only beach body advice I need is how deep to dig so high tide won’t lead to the world discovering my gruesome secret.
HillaryMonahan

“Yo WHAT UP, it’s ya boi Anubis, back at it again with another soul unboxing video.

Now as you can see, this one is a little heavier than a feather, which longtime fans of the channel will know is REALLY bad, haha”

WritNelson

ghost character that goes “oooooh” and rattles chains, and eventually we see a flashback to when they were alive and constantly went “ooooooh” and rattled chains, surrounded by regular people at the office
baking-accident

The reason vampires can’t see themselves in mirrors is not because they lack reflections.
They simply do not pass the mirror test and each time a vampire catches sight of themself in a mirror they go into a territorial attack mode and try to fight that other dracula encroaching on their lair.
glumshoe

an apocalyptic cult prophetically warning that the world won’t end, ever

it’s just going to keep going on like this, groans dismal prophet

argumate

Gandalf: yo i’m back from isengard had to ride a fucken eagle to get here what’s up
Elrond: the ring must be destroyed
Frodo: i’ll carry it
Gandalf: oh damn that’s a long ass walk dude i hope you have comfy shoes
Frodo: wait didn’t you say you rode an eagle here
Gandalf: no
nyquills

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
House guest: That’s such a nice perspecti-
Me: Yep it’s haunted. The whole thing. Just so fucking haunted.
ronnui_

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Seen Online

February 18th, 2020 by Cobwebs

Self care isn’t always chocolate & NetFlix. Sometimes, it’s getting out of bed & doing more difficult tasks like summoning a demon to help with the dishes or finding the right number of chicken bones to appease the thing that lives in the attic.
roxiqt

Look

I like to think if I was set upon by a world-class assassin, I would take the situation seriously

but if they made threatening eye contact with me as they licked some of my blood off their exotically curvy knife blade, I’d stop our duel dead to lecture them about tetanus

NotLikeFreddy

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll
Browtweaten

airline gate attendant: I understand that your little boy is difficult and hard to keep track of, but no, airline policy strictly forbids checking children in the cargo hold. you’ll have to-

members of the band Kansas: <deep breath>

cavaticat

Demon: (appears)
Cleric: This … isn’t a good time.
Demon:
Entire Congregation:
Demon: Yeah, no, I can see that.
Cleric: Is there … did you leave something at my place last night?
Demon: Fuck’s sake, at least PRETEND to banish me.
Cleric: Oh. Oh yeah! SHOO, NAUGHTY ONE!
boomer_kid

Concept: one of those “ooh, we messed with this creepy old religious site and now we’re all cursed” stories, except it’s set centuries in the future and the site in question is a derelict Church of Scientology building.

Honestly, I just want to see the obligatory wise mentor who explains how they’re all going to die in the second act say “rogue thetans” with a straight face.

prokopetz

Look, sometimes murders of crows will blacken the sky at your coming and ravening wolves are gonna follow in your wake, and you’re just gonna have to deal with that, and everybody else in the Costco is just gonna have to deal too
wodneswynn

me: *wailing dramatically in a long Victorian dress with a lit candelabra down one of the many dimly lit corridors of my gothic mansion at midnight*

my spouse: *turning on the hall light* we fucking talked about this

faeriesfang

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
mageofsolitude

demonic possession is a decent trope but you know what’s even better? demonic cohabitation. just 2 people sharing the same body and both being the world’s worst roommate about it.

the demon sharing a body with me: *looking at my depression meal in horror* we… are NOT eating that
me: oh so you can eat the souls of the innocent but you’re too good for leftover spaghetti huh

*fights the demon living in my body over whose turn it is to answer the phone*

generalgrievousdatingsim

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January 29th, 2020 by Cobwebs

Warrior: I swear I will have my revenge for the death of my brother.
Elf: You have my bow.
Dwarf: And my axe.
Necromancer: And your brother.
catchymemes

Sorry if I’m not your cup of tea. I’m not even my own cup of tea. I’m barely a cup and I don’t like tea. I’m more like a rusty bucket of haunted bog water. Sorry if I’m not your rusty bucket of haunted bog water.
TragicAllyHere

a vampire giving themselves a pep talk to a mirror that has a crudely drawn picture of themselves that they drew taped to it
farvann

[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
MNateShyamalan

doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
climaxximus

Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed. Our menu options have become moodier, darker. Our menu options have been spending a lot of time in their room lately. We think our menu options might be up to something.
dorsalstream

I wish there wasn’t so much stigma around death. I’m excited for my eventual passing! I want my skull to be cleaned and engraved with something uplifting and bizarre

Someone finding my weird mutant brain shell in an old tin box under a Midwestern bomb shelter in the year 3008: What the fuck

*turning it over to see the words “everything will be okay” carved into the back*

(Softly) what the fuck

teaboot

It takes a village. Who knows what it will take next? Be safe.
NightValeRadio

*demon stands amid your destroyed work space*
Demon: *booming* HOW? How were you able to summon me?!
You (frantically clicking undo) *screaming and crying*: I don’t know. I was just trying to format an outline in Word. You were supposed to be bullet points
MeredithIreland

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
MNateShyamalan

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Seen Online

January 14th, 2020 by Cobwebs

Happy Anagram Day to all who obverse.
JoshMalina

Concept: an exorcist who doesn’t actually have any holy powers, they’re just really socially awkward, and the ghosts become uncomfortable and leave.
prokopetz

Shout out to the clerk at Strand who looked at the cookbook I was buying, looked at the book on poison I was also buying, paused, and asked if I had big weekend plans.
lvanden1

My (35m) best friend (45m) wants me to come enjoy his latest experiment, but I said no. I’m swamped – I have my country’s 500 anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and my rival country to blame for it. AITA?
AlyshondraM

Story: Cats have nine lives, but don’t know where to keep them. Mouse holes? Beneath the couch? Nine is a lot to keep track of. Most desiccate with lost super balls behind the fridge. Mary found one during spring cleaning once. She likes being a cat.
rachelswirsky

Abolish valentines day and replace it with winter halloween
ThyArtIsMemes

i think its fucked up that things are venomous. if a spider wants me dead it should have to eat me like a man
stimman4000

If you’re feeling worried about how little you’ve achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.
CharlieDinkin

house hunters but literally

presenter: today we’re dealing with two detatched properties and a feral bungalow at the end of a cul-de-sac *cheerfully cocks shotgun* let’s get started!

generalgrievousdatingsim

Hieronymus Bob
(via Pixel Pixie)

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January 7th, 2020 by Cobwebs

I love how Satanic cults in movies always speak in Latin as if Satan had been around for billions of years, encountered the Romans, and then was like “damn this language is IT y’all hell yeah im writing ALL my contracts with this bad boy”
ckunzelman

ghosts are so funny. they’re people who were just like “actually, fuck dying” and decided to cause problems on purpose for the rest of everyone else’s lives. goals tbh.
generalgrievousdatingsim

Charlie Brown is an adult now. Snoopy is merely a security question.
1followernodad

To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
CatstreyDave

dear santa,
i have been nice all year. please use one of your limited christmas miracles to make vampires real. you will not have to bring me any presents on any subsequent years because i do not plan on remaining on the nice list after you make good on this
garregmach

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
requiem-on-water

CLERIC: prepare to die, monster. your days of hunting the innocent are over
VAMPIRE: lol no-one “hunts” people anymore
VICTIM (muffled through gag): bite me vladdy
VAMPIRE (cracks riding crop): freely given consent is the cornerstone of safe BDSM. safeword is “garlic”
deathbybadger

My kids asked why we don’t have an Elf on the Shelf, and I used that meme, “You don’t bargain with the fey, and you don’t invite them into the house.” My younger boys laughed, but my 12yo gave me big eyes and said, “Wait. Are you serious?” Now I want to know what he’s let in.
BrigidKemmerer

Sometimes I look at accounts and media that glamorize weddings and I feel like some women only want to get married to wear a pretty dress, and that makes me sad. You can just as easily get to wear pretty dresses by pledging your soul to Black Phillip
MaraWilson

You’d better not shout
You’d better not cry
You’d better watch out
I’m telling you why
The creatures are blind but their hearing is incredibly acute, as is their sense of smell. And they’re hungry. So hungry…
theplaguedoc

lovecraft: so yeah so this monster looks super fucked
reader: oh man how fucked
lovecraft: you know
reader: i truly do not. give me a description???
lovecraft: ( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º)
ryandroyd

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December 10th, 2019 by Cobwebs

Inside of you there are two wolves. That’s nowhere near enough wolves to sustain the population, so we’re starting a reintroduction program. Open wide, please.
andmaybegayer

one time someone said pavlov probably thought about feeding his dogs every time he heard someone ring a bell and i haven’t been the same since
HoneyEyedOlive

These 3 ghosts keep trying to teach me the meaning of Christmas in the middle of the night which pisses me off because it’s like, okay this could have been an email 🙄
annadrezen

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Shanehasabeard

All right, folks – it’s time for this year’s Secret Satan! You know the drill: pick a sin from the hat on the left and a name from the hat on the right. You have thirty days to tempt your assigned victim to commit your assigned sin – or else!
prokopetz

could u imagine if ppl talked about catholicism the same way they talked about like… indigenous ppl’s religions….

girl in horror movie holding a bible open: “according to legend, a mob tortured a half-man, half-god, and nailed him to a wooden cross, leaving him to starve to death. But days later, on this very night, they found he had clawed his way out of the grave. Now those who believe lie in wait for him to rise again, To honour him, they have weekly gatherings where they chant and sing, and at the end of it they eat his flesh and blood.”

girl’s friend: “wow.. thats so creepy…”

horror movie jock: “it’s only a myth, don’t worry”

birthdaypigeon

Give her what she really wants this holiday season: equal pay & an ancient hell wolf.
DothTheDoth

The earliest cephalopods date back to the Cambrian period. They predate trees and land plants. So, the Earth knew tentacles before it knew leaves. Anyway, sweet dreams.
CryptoNature

how long has it been since James Cameron went to the sea floor and something that claims to be James Cameron came back up
SamSykesSwears

lovecraft protagonist: “it was squamous…undulating…plastic…a chaotic madness of flesh….rugose and viscous….IMPOSSIBLE TO DESCRIBE”

Buddy you just did. It’s called a blob. You just described it like an asshole would.

bogleech

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November 26th, 2019 by Cobwebs

absolutely hate it when im driving down a lonely highway late at night and pass a gaunt, elderly man hitchiking – only to, impossibly, see him again ten miles down the road…and again five miles later…then one mile…c’mon, man. take the hint….
markpopham

Lovecraft writing horror atmosphere like
*lightning cracks*
*a raven caws*
*wind howls through an old rotten tree*
*a black guy is just kinda standing around smiling politely and waves*
*rats or something*
bogleech

i was reading about the myth of prometheus today when the phrase “new liver, same eagles” popped into my mind, so i’m keeping that in mind for the next time someone asks me how it’s going
generalgrievousdatingsim

at some point you’ve got to STOP reading the entrails and go out and LIVE that which was portented by them, because you WILL run out of doves
weaponizedplacebo

My cask of amontillado brings all the boys to the catacombs
And they’re like, you’re entombing us alive
Damn right, I’m entombing you alive
I could free you
But I’m entombing you alive
living_marble

poor old granny scorpion-shoes. no one ever saw her death coming

it was pneumonia.

yes, her pet scorpion pneumonia, who lived in her shoe. tragic.

he shot her point blank

bloggoth

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for a few weeks now, but all their roads have this weird design flaw
roaringstream

at some point you’ve got to STOP reading the entrails and go out and LIVE that which was portented by them, because you WILL run out of doves
weaponizedplacebo

Hwæt! There’s only one month left in the decade. How do the skalds sing of you, and how many grave goods have you amassed for your barrow?
lasrina

Saying “it’s time to get ready for bed”
-boring
-childish

Saying “and now I must attend to my evening affairs”
-mysterious & debonair
-you sound like you know what brandy is

markedly

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November 6th, 2019 by Cobwebs

All humor is gallows humor if you stop kidding yourself.
HMittelmark

When older straight men refer to “The Wife” I like to imagine they’re all describing the same gigantic creature to whom they are all wed
BunchesOfBees (Note: Some of the replies to this thread are delightful.)

I want paranormal angel romance to be a thing again. But instead of the love interest being a male model with wings, it’s like an interdimensional cosmic horror nightmare with ninety-eight eyeballs.
alexhwrites

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone’ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone’
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

say_shannon

it goes like this, the fourth the fifth, the six the seventh the eighth the ninth, the baffled Count composing hallelujah ah ah ah,
argumate

Voldemort didn’t try to kill Harry Potter until he was 55
Darth Vader was nearly 40 when he built the Death Star
Hannibal was 52 when he escaped from captivity
Thanos was over 65 when he collected the infinity gems
Annie Wilkes was 44 when she found Paul
It’s never too late ❤️
deapoirierbooks

People talk about caterpillars becoming a butterflies as though they just go into a cocoon, slap on wings, and are good to go.

Caterpillars have to dissolve into a disgusting pile of goo to become butterflies.

So if you’re a mess wrapped up in blankets right now, keep going.

JenAshleyWright

sexy roleplay: i’m a muttering Innsmouth townie and you’re a busybody outsider sticking their nose in places they oughtn’t, but the heady scent of aqua velva on your neck is making me forget that i shouldn’t be telling you nothing about them missing archaeologists
ryandroyd

Adults who have rules or opinions about the trick-or-treaters who come to their door can go to hell.

Got no costume? Here’s candy.

You’re 19? Candy.

Weird childless couple pushing a costumed dog in a stroller? Candy is dog poison but I think I have a string cheese.

kibblesmith

I like saying things in ways that, while entirely true, make them sound far more worrisome than they actually are, i.e. “my human wife” and “I’m going to brush my teeth and also any other teeth I encounter.”
NotLasers

“I bought another book”
– transactional
– people will ask if you REALLY need more books
– reminds you of your bank balance

“I paid a terrible price for this knowledge”
– classy Faustian vibes
– intimidating
– implies all books are priceless treasures. which they are.

Sotherans

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October 15th, 2019 by Cobwebs

Bard: “What’s all this?”
Paladin: “The druid is in time-out.”
Bard: “What’d you do?”
Druid: “I was selling a gluten-free organic all-natural weight-loss thing.”
Bard: “And?”
Druid: “It was just hungry wolves. Lots of ’em.”
Paladin: “DO NOT GIGGLE AT THE DRUID’S ATROCITIES.”
boomer_kid

No one ever talks about how an oubliette implies the existence of a larger, and far more terrifying, oobly.
Brainmage

[job interview]
interviewer: so god killed all your kids?
job: that’s right
DanMentos

Zdzisław Beksiński: So first I’ll paint some happy little trees
Beksiński: maybe a little bush
Beksiński: now a crumbling gothic cathedral covered in a pulsing web of arteries
Beksiński: you know, whatever makes you happy
midnight_pals

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted
I don’t get it. I’ve lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.
badjokesbyjeff

The fandom surrounding Pennywise as a character feels really weird considering Pennywise does not exist whatsoever in-canon and is only one of many, many illusory avatars invented on the fly by the Deadlights to eat people with. Yall think you’re thirsty for a baby eating clown but really just want to bang an alien’s novelty chopstick collection.
bogleech

every morning our cat moves her toys from the bedroom to the living room while screaming, and every night she moves them back, also while screaming. i don’t know the purpose of the ritual but it is the central pillar of my faith
paranaturalzack

WIZARD: demon I have summoned you to instruct me in the carnal arts
SUCCUBUS: *hands textbook* turn to page 23
[5 HOURS LATER]
SUCCUBUS: and that covers STDs, bringing us to protection. do you still have the ritual banana I gave you?
WIZARD: ☹️ yes
deathbybadger

[Lord Byron after Percey Shelley died]
hey guys
you think maybe I could keep his skull?
just as a keepsake
not going to do anything weird with it like turn it into a goblet or something
oh these? yea ok yes these are my skull goblets, from a totally unrelated thing
DanaSchwartzzz

i wish dwarves were real just because the folk metal they would produce would be completely unfathomable
tripropellant

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September 17th, 2019 by Cobwebs

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
GloriaFallon123

Just imagine if giraffe necks started out short and made the lightsaber-on sound when they extended them.
dorsalstream

It’s only fanfic if it’s from the Fanfique region of France. Otherwise it’s just sparkling pornography.
copperbadge

REMEMBER
If you encounter a goth in this hot weather DO NOT PICK THEM UP
Instead, put a couple of drops of patchouli oil in a teaspoon of water and leave a Bauhaus album next to them, and they should recover pretty quickly
Brainmage

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half horse, half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
MelindaHoward4

IS YOUR CHILD TEXTING ABOUT EDGAR ALLAN POE?
WCW = wine cellar wednesday
ILU = I love unnamed (narrators)
TFW = the floorboards? well
IANAL = I am not annabel lee
LOL = lover of lenore
STFU = sadly, the fall (of) usher
OMW = (an) orangutan murdered (the) women
NVM = nevermore
SparkNotes

women are heartily tired of generic compliments. tell your girl “you’ll make a fine crime-solving old lady” and “how many princes have you slain, Baba Yaga” and “time will make corpses of us all and I think that’s hot.”
SketchesbyBoze

ME: So you see dead people?
GHOST THERAPIST: Those with insurance, yes.
dorsalstream

i love coming home at the end of the day and untying the ribbon around my neck that holds my head on
mmilhouse

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