The Art of Darkness

Dinosaurs: Terrible Lizards

May 11th, 2015 by Cobwebs

Rathergood’s short nature documentary shows just how terrible at being lizards they actually were.

(via Laughing Squid)

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Seen Online

May 6th, 2015 by Cobwebs

Maybe bats leave Hell in a slow and orderly fashion.

me: all our teeth fall out as children and then they all grow back stronger
alien: okay, i mean…that definitely sounds fake, but…okay.

When it’s my time, I just want to go in a way that leaves my Wikipedia entry a “Death and Aftermath” section.

An all-cat Ghostbusters reboot that’s just 90 minutes of them staring intently and occasionally meowing at a blank wall.

Game of Thrones gets a lot less dramatic when you remind yourself Lannisters, Starks, and Greyjoys alike all have to shit in fancy buckets.

In Australia it was called The Passion of the Crikey.

Why would you not name your pet shark Jump?

I think that the moment right before you die, you hear your mother calling you inside as the streetlights flicker on

Actually, I’m leasing a stairway to heaven.
I also craft artisinal bustles, specifically for hedgerows, which have the quality of not alarming passers-by.

i’ve figured out that horror games with grotesque monsters and spooky environments are -9000 scary if you pretend you’re steve irwin on a mission to document the monster(s)
“Lookie there. That’s a six-foot grunt from the basement. A-hm gonna wrassle it.”

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April 29th, 2015 by Cobwebs

Cory O’Brien, who writes the marvelous Myths RETOLD, took to Twitter with a series of “quick myths.” Behold:

CINDERELLA: Some girl crashes a bunch of parties and then gets married. #quickmyths

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Girl falls in love with prince and they get married. This would not be a story except dude is ugly. #quickmyths

THE FROG PRINCE: Princess murders sassy talking frog, is rewarded with marriage. #quickmyths

EVERY FAIRYTALE: Something something something marriage. #quickmyths

PERSEPHONE IN HADES: Girl is kidnapped. Mother gets to share custody with kidnapper because of fruit. #quickmyths

APOLLO AND DAPHNE: Man sees woman. Man gets wood. Woman becomes wood. #quickmyths

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS: Three homeowners are audited for unsafe building practices. Two are eaten. #quickmyths

SNOW WHITE: Dumb girl chokes on apple, marries first guy who knows the Heimlich maneuver. #quickmyths (thanks @shannamann)

HERCULES: Dude punches every animal in the world, then dies of a wardrobe malfunction. #quickmyths

THE ODYSSEY: Dude bangs half the Mediterranean, kills the other half, then goes home to his wife. Best. Road trip. Ever. #quickmyths

THESEUS AND THE MINOTAUR: Dude uses a sword and a ball of twine to kill the last surviving member of an endangered species. #quickmyths

KING MIDAS: Dude gains the ability to transmute matter into gold. Conspicuously fails to become a supervillain. #quickmyths

These definitely cut right to the heart of the myth.

There are plenty more that he didn’t cover:

MEDUSA: Priestess forsakes her vows, is punished with a really bad hairdo.

JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS: A bunch of men never stop to ask for directions.

CRONUS: Dude can’t tell the difference between a baby and a rock, winds up in a very deep hole.

Got any others? Share ’em in the comments!

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 7 Comments »


April 27th, 2015 by Cobwebs

In this cute animated short by the Vancouver Film School, a little ghost girl finds a teddy bear.

(Hat tip to Devries)

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

Seen Online

April 14th, 2015 by Cobwebs

He died doing what he loved most: not being dead.

i just saw a 24 hour carwash. If you’re washing your car at 4am you just killed somebody.

what are girls doing when they go to the bathroom together? we’re casting spells

I’d like the backstory on 90% of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

I’m a health goth in the sense that I fantasize about death every time I work out.

everybody’s scared of the dark until they become it

Tomorrow I’m calling a guy who interviewed me 5 years ago asking where I saw myself in 5 years to let him know that I was wrong.

When you have a torch, everything looks like a Frankenstein.
Burgeoning Lads of Science

Did you just say “go east” instead of “turn right,” you pompous little direction shitlord?

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

Pearl, the Ascended Squirrel

April 6th, 2015 by Cobwebs

I was going to try and write some kind of summary explaining this whole thing, but the more I think about it, I don’t think it’s possible to explain this whole thing. Best to just let it exist in its own little pocket of weirdness.

Check out the whole channel, featuring gems such as Proper Opossum Psychic Services and Proper Possercising: Prancercise for Possums, as well as the ME Pearl website. And then sit there with your mouth slightly open, wondering what the hell you just watched.

(Hat tip to pdq)

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 3 Comments »

Disney Death Metal

March 30th, 2015 by Cobwebs

Musician Andy Rehfeldt did this marvelous original arrangement of Mary Poppins singing death metal. It is a thing of beauty.

Apparently metal covers of Disney songs are fairly popular. Aggressive Comix has a roundup.

(via Spooky Moon)

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

Seen Online

March 17th, 2015 by Cobwebs

Wind noises
Mess with cat
Get Scrooge to check his shit
Move knick knacks
Gaze at cheeseburger, unable to weep

I just went to Jane Austen third base: making unpleasant eye contact with a handsome man on subway.

My new hobby is sitting outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say “You can see me?”

parenting tip
if you want to avoid the world’s aggressive gendering of your infant, consider skipping the pink dresses or blue coveralls in favor of dressing your baby solely in tiny halloween costumes

strangers on the sidewalk: aww, is it a boy or a girl?

you: uh…it’s pretty clearly a DINOSAUR

My spellchecker just softly and silently corrected “tumblr” to “tumor”. And I thought, WHAT DOES IT KNOW THAT I DO NOT?

“You have my sword.”
“And you have my bow.”
“And my axe!”
“And my humidifier!”
“That’s nice, Murray.”
– The Fellowship of the Ring & Murray

before blaming others, think: whats the 1 constant in all your failed relationships? its that cursed egyptian amulet why do u even have that

Gets tattoo in Sanskrit meaning: “It doesn’t say anything.”

Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered.

I just described Purim to someone as “Jewish Halloween.” Or, Challahween.

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 4 Comments »

Hermione Granger and the Goddamned Patriarchy

March 9th, 2015 by Cobwebs


Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

Seen Online

March 4th, 2015 by Cobwebs

If I had wings I am confident they would be veiny and leathery and not cute feather ones.

I’d love to hear what would come out of my mouth if someone put a gun to my head and demanded that I commentate a football game

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

there used to be door-to-door knife salesmen, which is roughly the most terrifying thing ever conceived

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

If nobody comes from the future to stop you, how bad can the decision really be?

I don’t call them naps, I call them die practice.

Will this job require me to use my hands because as you can see I have to hold my swords

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

I like to think my rescue dog also rescued me, but mounting evidence suggests he himself committed the arson that fateful night.

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 4 Comments »

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