The Art of Darkness

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November 27th, 2018 by Cobwebs

THERAPIST: did you work on communication
1ST CERBERUS HEAD: they won’t share the ball
2ND: i want the ball
3RD: i would also like the ball

Ruined my day by realizing that the song Monster Mash is about a song called the Monster Mash and we’ve never actually heard that song.

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

– Parallel parking my time machine

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

The veil is thin here. It’s thin everywhere. Of course it’s fucking thin. Who ever heard of a thick veil? That shit’s lightweight, even sheer.

Like, shit, Agatha. There’s a reason they don’t call it “the down comforter between worlds”.


Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense

me with a tarot deck: i activate the hanged man’s special ability. this lets me draw the devil from my deck into my hand. next, i sacrifice the hanged man in order to summon death. with death on my field, the effect of my tower spell card lets me summon the devil from my hand,

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

When one door closes, lock it securely, along with all your other doors, before any inspirational quotes get in.

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October 16th, 2018 by Cobwebs

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.


“I’m lonely,” she said, “do you have a potion for making friends?”
“Sure. Drink this,” the witch said.
“Yep. What’s on your mind?”

I notice Autumn is more the season of the soul than of nature.
— Friedrich Nietzsche

A vampire bat’s stomach quickly absorbs all the water out of the blood it drinks, and they pee while feeding to offload it. So. That fog people associate with vampires is probably pee mist. Or they carry a change of pants.

It’s the zombie apocalypse!

Most people are working on taking out zombies, finding shelter or escaping the city, but not your party.

You’ve got a bunch of spray-cans and it is your duty to spray ominious, cryptic graffiti everywhere to make sure that the ruins fully fit the genre.


hey, I just met Zeus
and this is crazy
but he’s a swan and
I’m having babies

dr frankenstein: it’s alive
dr frankenstein: speak
monster: am i the product of peer reviewed research
dr frankenstein: uh
monster: do you have the paperwork with the sources of all my body parts
dr frankenstein: well no
monster: good god this lab is pile of osha violations

It’s an open secret that all archaeologists, librarians, curators, book dealers and archivists are secret agents. When we say “out of the office”, we mean “screaming GIVE ME THE OTHER HALF OF THE AMULET to a rival whilst battling with them on the edge of a waterfall”

if you’re ever feeling alone just remember that aladdin’s best friends were a monkey and a rug

Potential pantheon of old ones for our D&D campaign, as named by the resident creepy child NPC:
Mr. Watches You In The Corner
Old Lady Spiders Inside
The Lumpy One
Nobody Is There
Just, Like, A Cat
The Fish With No Eyes
Forever Screaming With A Candle
Sharp Teddy
Mother Squish

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September 18th, 2018 by Cobwebs

Why have we not had a Miss Marple/Lovecraft pastiche yet, dammit? “Oh dear…I’m afraid he WAS murdered, Inspector, but not quite like you mean. It reminds me of when young Percy tried summon the Ones Outside. One sees so much of life in a small town, you know.”

“I told his mother–she was so distraught, you know–that he should not have called up what he could not put down, but…well…you know how these things go, Inspector. But the roses in his mother’s garden were lovely for years after that. Positively glowing.”


The humans acted scared of him, but Bat knew better.
They were his friends.
Each October they even put pictures of Bat up all over town.

“Hmmm, ah, yesofcourse. *single clap* That is superb. You, ah. HA! Yes, well.” – Jeff Goldblum orgasming.

Your pet trilobite wanted to meet you, but never got the chance. Untold years ago, he fell asleep between two warm stones, imagining they were your hands, hoping he’d wake up in them.

Math problem. I have three apples and am traveling towards you at 17mph. It’s not really a problem, more of a warning. Apple time, bitches.

Stop pretending that you’re not acquainted with that goat-headed demonlord in the corner.

DnD homebrew: Southern Gothic Adventure
-All warlocks have met their patrons at a dusty rural crossroads at midnight
-“The Devil Went Down To Georgia”? Acceptable canon bard origin story
-Druid forms include Alligator, Mockingbird

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston

In all the endless breathless fictionalized takes on Jack the Ripper, have we ever done the one where the reason he disappeared was because a team of vengeful Victorian sex workers systematically hunted him down, took him out and dumped his body in the Thames?

I’m so tired of waking up alone
I should be waking up on a cold glass slab after having my corpse revived in a future dystopia, the reek of antiseptic in the air as I vault over a lab bench and grab a scalpel from an unsuspecting attendant

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August 28th, 2018 by Cobwebs

It’s weird that ppl interpret the moral of The Pied Piper story as “Don’t trust strangers” when really it’s “Always pay freelancers”

A guy kept yelling “young lady!” at me but I didn’t look up because I identify more as the 1,000 year old ghost of a ship captain.

Foxes look like dogs, but they can’t interbreed because they are separate, distinct species. The only real giveaway is that, unlike dogs, foxes have vertical, catlike pupils. I guess what I’m trying to say is… for dogs… elves are real.

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.


The thief tip-toed toward the dragon’s hoard, reached out, and picked up…
“What!” he exclaimed. “Cookies?”
The dragon looked over its shoulder. “Yes, I’m keeping them warm. Do you want one?”
“But… Why?”
“I was told they are much nicer when they are warm. Try one.”

Imagine the disappointment of moving to a sleepy, idyllic New England town to start a new life, only to discover it doesn’t harbor any dark secrets.

fucken hate it when I try to eat a butterfly and its wing patterns resemble eyes so I’m warded off

PUBLISHER: So it’s got vampires?
PUBLISHER: A lunatic asylum?
PUBLISHER: It needs something more.
BRAM STOKER: [scratches head] A… a cowboy?
PUBLISHER: Fucking sold.

Keep others afraid of you by calling Fall “the harvest.”

Bruce Wayne didn’t become Batman until he was 30
It doesn’t matter how old you are
There’s still time for a full blown dramatic goth phase

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August 7th, 2018 by Cobwebs

Just realized that since we read serial nineteenth-century novels only as whole books, we are basically bingewatching the nineteenth century.

“Bleak House is so long!” Yeah, if you read all seasons in one go, I guess it is pretty long.


I bet octopuses think bones are horrific. I bet all their cosmic horror stories involve rigid-limbs and hinged joints.

why limit yourself between choosing between a pretty feminine aesthetic or a dark one? if persephone can be the goddess of spring & queen of the underworld at the same time so can you

Her camera captured pictures of ghosts.
“Here, how do you like this?” she asked.
“Ugh, I look horrible. Delete it!”
So she did, every time.

A man walked into my coffee shop, sat across from me with no food or drink, whispered “great tattoo” at me, then left, so what I’m saying was it was not a great day for me to be reading a book about Ed Gein

All beach bodies are good beach bodies with the exception of the body of the creature that washed up on the beach of Narragansett, Rhode Island in the winter of 1933 and the strange occurrences in the night that followed.

Harry Potter and the Special Rock
Harry Potter and the Don’t Room
Harry Potter and his Furry Crime Dad
Harry Potter and the Hot Cup
Harry Potter and the Warm Bird Club
Harry Potter and the Absolutely Nothing Happens
Harry Potter and the Curse of the Sidequests

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

nice heights you got there
it’d be a shame if someone were to
wuther them

Just a reminder: there’s an Old Babylonian tablet that mentions a family of exorcists who live together in a house. Which is, I think you’ll agree, one of the great sitcom ideas of the ancient world.

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July 24th, 2018 by Cobwebs

ME: Since their transformation is lunar phase dependent a more accurate name would be “when-wolf.”
ARBY’S CASHIER: Again, sir, we closed an hour ago.

Here’s the question I always have with universal translators in sci-fi: how do they know when to stop translation?
Like say an alien asks about deserts on earth, and the human lists “the sahara desert, gobi desert and kalahari desert”
Alien: You just said “desert” six times.

“Dad, there’s a monster under my bed!”
“Yes, the bed they used to live under has been razed.”
“But it’s a monster!”
“Maybe, but we are not.”

Overheard in the French Quarter: “My big fear with becoming a zombie is all the walking.”

Every badger in a waistcoat implies a whole infrastructure of badger tailors and store owners.

Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

Every time we read Peter Pan at bed time, I can’t help but do the math on all the money the parents are saving with that dog nannying all three kids

the best response when someone makes fun of you for reading fiction is to invite them down into your ancient cellar for a glass of wine. they will never suspect what’s coming.

Thinking about how in Harry Potter there was an evil shop full of death magic on evil street and everyone was just fine with this being a place of business. Wizards are stupid as shit.

I like how once you get to the Monster’s part of FRANKENSTEIN it’s the Monster being quoted by Victor being quoted by the sea captain and you’re still supposed to believe the sea captain remembered all this and is transcribing it verbatim to his sister

Did the sister not have questions about why her brother wrote a “letter” to her that’s literally novel length

How much was the postage to mail that from the Arctic


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June 18th, 2018 by Cobwebs

“You don’t care,” he called into the void.
‘no’ the void replied.
“The universe is not fair, or kind, or just!”
‘no,’ the void said, ‘but’
‘you can do what the universe can not, be what it can not, and care’

Every plant outside is plotting to turn your body into dirt.

A vampire doesn’t produce a reflection in a mirror and whatever creature I am doesn’t register with sensors on automatic sinks and soap dispensers in public bathrooms.

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– queen whom all bow before
– crime-solving wood witch

Ay yo what’s up fam, it’s your boy Fortunato, here with a new uncasking vid. My boy Monty says he’s got a hold of something really special, let’s take a look.

Say a word with enough feeling, enough times, and it becomes. An entity – demon, god, spirit? – of that name is born.
Fuck haunted us with snarled annoyance, so we shared pictures of cats, puppies, and otters, until finally, Aww woke with a cute little sneeze. That’ll protect us.

They did walk into Mordor. I watched that movie and walking is exactly how they arrived in Mordor. They sure as fuck just simply walked into it. I saw.

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical

gonna make a game called Murder Simulator but it’s just an RTS where you control a bunch of crows and have them steal french fries and stuff

I look up at the night sky.
“That’s a pretty universe, God. You are wearing it well.”
“Thanks,” I hear in a faint whisper, “it has pockets.”

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May 22nd, 2018 by Cobwebs

Practice self-care like spiders, hang out in dark places & spend all day preparing a murder net.

Here’s a little tip for productivity: Keep your hands in your pockets. Something comes up, you need your hands, boom. There they are.

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

i appreciate that Montresor doesn’t explain shit to the reader about why he’s bricking a dude up behind a wall, just “because fuck this dude, how bout that”

Always wear your opera gloves when you attend the opera. Also wear your opera goggles. Know the location of the opera safety shower station. Now you are ready to handle that dangerous and corrosive material, the opera

> I propose a hunt, gentlemen. Our quarry: the most ~*dangerous game*~
>> Man?
> What? No, what the fuck, I meant knife-tigers
>> Oh I thought,,
> The fuck, Chauncey ಠ_ಠ

Mad respect for the skeletons at the beginning of every major dungeon out there. They know they aren’t boss level bad guys but they still clatter up to you with their swords out like they’re gonna bop you just as hard, true dedication right there

if, like a dead child ghost in a Scandinavian horror movie, your soul is ever trapped between realms bc your body has not been found, I WILL help find it, but please don’t be scary about it??? just be chill and not pop up suddenly to scream wordlessly at me

write it on my bathroom mirror in steam like “nicole please find my body/solve my murder so I can move over, this is Sigrid Samisdottir, also you look pretty today” and I will absolutely do my level best to free you

I know you are embittered and obsessed and acting out, and the last thing I want is to tone-police a dead ghost child, but honestly I have not the constitution for wordless screaming and cold little dead hands on the back of my neck.


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April 24th, 2018 by Cobwebs

There’s a dead language you can speak to Alexa & she will open you a personal portal to hell.

Asked my 2 year old what her fav part of today’s Halloween party was and she pointed at thin air and said, “that ghost”. May move house.

Gandalf standing in front of the Gates of Moria trying to remember a password makes a lot more sense to me now than it did in 1984.

so many people are afraid to speak their truth cus they don’t wanna be “canceled” or whatever but i’ll come right out and say pretzels are just bread bones

The sun is probably the closest thing we’ll ever have to a true Eldritch Abomination. Hear me out here-
* Older than recorded history; was here longer than any of us and will be here long after we leave. Has a finite beginning and end but is still incomprehensibly ancient
* Burns itself into your vision instantly and can blind you if you look for too long
* Further prolonged exposure can cause cancerous growths
* Non-humanoid shape floating through space; colossal flaming tentacles angrily lash out on occasion
* Sort of just appeared one day and is now surrounded by the corpses of its stillborn children
* People used to sacrifice other people to appease it
* Pretty sure it screams at us sometimes

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots


Reading up on the order of animals that contains cockroaches and termites and now my brain has subbed in the word “blattodea” for “Amadeus” in the song “Rock Me, Amadeus.”

Hate when SF novels pretend they’re based on a found manuscript and start off with an “academic” saying “yeah we found this in a cave” when any actual academic paper starts with “this proves professor douchebag wrong suck it dave”

Everyone always talks about the 8 spiders you eat in your sleep every year but no one ever talks about the months long trial the spiders hold before sentencing those 8 spiders to that fate.

Give me a cup of coffee, a house with a horrifying backstory & a ghost to murder me.

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April 10th, 2018 by Cobwebs

I guess you can do gender reveal parties if that’s your thing, but I notice with some disappointment that no one is doing parties to reveal if the baby is evil or not.

priest: you’re never alone my child, the spirit is always with you
me: thanks for the reminder father
*one of the sixteen victorian cholera ghosts that constantly cling to me pats my cheek gently*

yes im a girl. yes i wear makeup. no im not wearing the makeup to conceal the terrible prophecy i wrote on my skin so it would survive the trip home from the future. honestly idk why you would even Ask me that

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

“Be yourself,” they say, and then when you point out that your perfect man is Jareth from Labyrinth crossed with Mr. Rogers, they look at you funny.

Good night
Sleep tight
You are technically a ghost and a skeleton living together inside a meat tuxedo

budget version of lord of the rings wherein gandalf goes to the wall of mordor and yells up at a single orc
“Hey, is Sauron there?”
“Yeah,” the orc shouts back.
“Well, tell him to knock it off!”
And then it is over.

As your goth financial advisor I urge you to invest in a secret staircase. I don’t care where it goes. That’s between you & the staircase.

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

*with a faery, hand in hand**
**some exclusions and limitations apply
‡world may be full of more weeping than you can understand

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