The Art of Darkness

Seen Online

March 14th, 2017 by Cobwebs

Cactus are the most antisocial plant, they grow in the middle of the desert and still like, “Don’t fucking come near me”. #Showerthoughts

Always a bridesmaid, never the voice that mysteriously bleeds from the corner of your bedroom wall.

Hodor and Groot on a date trying to order food

I fry all my mythological creatures in gargoyle.
Yeah yeah, I’m leaving.

me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!
[100 years ago]
witch: fuck this house

Hobbit cozy mysteries could actually be a thing.

Archaeologists, 300 years from now, excavating my skeleton:
“what’s that thing that she’s holding?”
“That, I believe, is a grudge”

you find a mad libs book on the ground and find that it’s filled completely with proper, sensible words for the situation at hand. a small child in a perfectly tailored gray suit tugs on your shirt with ice-cold hands and politely asks for it back

why do i have to be asleep to eat spiders

Horror movies should include bloopers, so after watching the main film you’ll be able to sleep #Showerthoughts

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Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace

February 8th, 2017 by Cobwebs

Sometimes British humor is a little bit meta. And sometimes British humor is a whoooooole bunch meta. And then there’s Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace. It’s a horror parody series about a television show that never ran in the 1980s. The AV Club reviews it, saying:

Purporting to be the lost TV effort of “author, dream weaver, visionary, plus actor” Garth Marenghi (Matthew Holness), the series doesn’t just parody blowhard literary types like the one played by co-creator Holness—it riffs on the entire “brilliant but canceled” myth. The show-within-a-show structure of Darkplace presents a loser’s history of a lost “classic” that was lost for a reason.

It is glorious, and the whole season (plus DVD “extras”) is available on YouTube. Here’s the first episode:

(Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

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Seen Online

January 31st, 2017 by Cobwebs

You know, sometimes, late at night, in the dark, I ask myself: Am I REALLY that likely to be eaten by a grue?

“Wheeeeee!” – Glenn Danzig, riding an owl around a graveyard

“The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead”
– Bedtime at George R.R. Martin’s house

If someone dramatically says “don’t ask”, I like to loudly exclaim “phew, you don’t have to tell me twice, I really didn’t care”.

“Fuck it, just add a werewolf” – the 80’s.

When I die, I’d like my remains scattered along the beach.
That said, I do not want to be cremated.

When one door closes, lock it securely, along with all your other doors, before any inspirational quotes get in.

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

The saddest movies are the ones where the awesome weird girl turns normal and everyone is bizarrely happy about it.

Back in my day they taught the five R’s: Reading, ‘Riting, ‘Rithmetic, Rhience, and Rocial Rudies. My teacher was a Hanna-Barbera dog.

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Seen Online

December 6th, 2016 by Cobwebs

If I’m ever being followed in a car, I’m gonna go to a fast food drive-thru and test their commitment.

When Frankenstein Jr. was kidnapped, his father cunningly just waited for the kidnappers to send him all the bits.

There’s a foster home for body parts in my neighbourhood and it’s raising a lot of eyebrows.

A baby werewolf would be great, as one day a month, your baby would turn into a puppy!

People always slam elevator music and that’s very hurtful to those of us who have spent years learning to play the elevator.

Late at night leave some broken, muddy planks outside an undertakers with a note: “Your puny coffins cannot hold me. I shall return.”

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

If the movie “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids” took place in Australia, those kids would have died real fucking quick.

“The Monster Mash” is my favorite song about a scientist making excuses to his wife for coming home late and smelling of monster.

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Seen Online

October 12th, 2016 by Cobwebs

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

tie a yellow ribbon ’round the old oak tree – quick – bind it with the old magics before it wakes and turns to us again

I saw a blind guy with a full sleeve tattoo and it made me wonder if he’d always been blind. Because that’s a lot of trust.

Pro tip: “Foolish mortals” is a gender-neutral form of address.

Now hang on–How are all these bats *getting into* hell in the first place?

Because telescopes work using mirrors, we will never know if space is full of space vampires. #Showerthoughts

Google should do a thing where if you type in “clown sighting” the first result is always “BEHIND YOU” in blood-red.

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

Alright kid I’m gonna kill your whole family and leave you the sole survivor but don’t like, dedicate yourself to revenge about it
[10 years later while hanging off the side of a bridge on fire, about to fall to my doom] man what did I say about this


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Seen Online

September 20th, 2016 by Cobwebs

Real women have razor-sharp teeth and barbed tentacles and oh god who opened a portal to the real women dimension THEY’RE COMING RUN

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

I love how in Addams Family Values at the beginning they’re like is it a boy? is a girl? and Gomez is just like IT’S AN ADDAMS :D like stop trying to gender my baby, it’s goth that’s all that matters

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

You are haunted by the ghosts of Peter Venkman, Ray Stantz, Egon Spengler and Winston Zeddemore, and there absolutely no one you can call

Ghosts are hard to photograph because, when alive, many didn’t believe in ghosts, and now they’re embarrassed to be ghosts, so they hide.

Every time I feel unexpected pain, I wonder if my descendants got hit so hard that their ancestors could feel it.

A man I don’t know tells me to smile. My jaw unhinges and the True Me emerges from my throat. She is smiling, but not like he’d hoped.

      Cthulhu, as an eldritch being, sees humans as humans see insects;
       which is to say, harmless but inexplicably terrifying.
#cthulhu chasing humanity around with a shoe while crying

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s the result of a freak lab accident that altered her DNA and turned her into a–look, just run already.

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Teen Slasher Music Video Parody

August 24th, 2016 by Cobwebs

There are a zillion horror movie references in this thing. It is awesome.

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

Seen Online

August 3rd, 2016 by Cobwebs

I like to imagine that Satan has this adorable goat pen out back where he lovingly tends to all the goats that have been sacrificed to him.

Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.

12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year?
Me: What’s wrong with the one we live in?
12yo: WHAT?!
Me: Goodnight, son.

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

It’s more accurate to say “deaths were postponed” than “lives were saved”

I want to create an alternative to ‘Pokémon Go’ called ‘Cthulhu Run.’ instead of chasing down Pokémon, various Lovecraftian entities spawn continuously and pursue you.

you may not think your brain is a supervillain. but 1) its called Brain and 2) it lives in a skull fortress

I was thinking about the Grim Reaper recently. They’re not tied to any particular religion, they just personify death and collect the soul and take them…where? What if they’re like afterlife HR?

“So hey! You’re right on time! Okay, your chart says ‘Hellenic.’ Got your coin for the ferryman? No?! Alright, here’s the deal: sign here, River Styx is down the next hall on the left, but you can’t cross for another hundred years. Hey, I don’t make the rules! What do you think a last will and testament’s for, Felix?!”

“Gina! Almost had you there in ’93 with that heart attack, eh? Eh? Anyway, Catholic, right? Hang a left, St. Peter’s waiting behind the gates, he’ll give you your assignment.”

“Hey boss, this one didn’t believe in afterlife or having a soul– I’m headed to my next appointment.”

“Sanjay! Nice long life you had there, buddy. So you remember where the Great Revolving Door of Reincarnation is– oh wait! You qualify for nirvana! Look at you!”

“So Sam, you’re…agnostic. Come to my office, we’ll discuss your options.”


Here upon this dead-end query, while you googled weak and weary,
Over many a faint and spurious result of quality poor;
While you nodded, nearly drowsing, suddenly you came here browsing,
As you pressed on calmly drowsing, browsing to this webserver;
“At last, I found it,” you muttered, “surely what I’m searching for!”
Quoth the server, “404.”
— 404 message from unnamed webserver, via DeVries

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The Zombible

June 29th, 2016 by Cobwebs

Zombible LogoThere are things in the wilds of the intarwebs that make you quizzically cock your head to one side like a dog hearing a high-pitched whistle, and this is one of them.

The Zombible (“Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Zombies”) dares to ask the question, “How might the Gospels have been different if Jesus had come to Earth not to save mankind from sin, but from zombies?” And then it rewrites the contents of the four gospels by way of an answer.

It’s subtle; the prose uses the King James style of writing, and if you just skim it you might not notice anything amiss. But if you read a bit more closely, you notice things like this part of the Parable of the Prodigal Son:

7 And when he came to himself, he thought, How many hired servants has my father spare, and I moan with hunger! 8 I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Brains, 9 and call upon his hired servants.

10 And he arose, and shambled to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell, and ran, and kissed him.

11 And the son said unto him, Brains.

The authors state that this is their first work, so they may intend to rewrite the entire New Testament to reflect Jesus’ new mission. It’d be amusing to quote a verse here and there, insisting that they’re legitimate.

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The Ring vs. The Grudge

June 9th, 2016 by Cobwebs

Last week in Japan the opening of a national baseball game was “interrupted” by the ghosts from The Ring and The Grudge. Sadako (whose cleats, I believe, are my favorite part of this whole weird endeavor) pitched against a blood-streaked Kayako and her ghostly son. Because why not.

It was a promotion for the upcoming horror movie Sadako vs. Kayako, but I could just as easily believe that it was something the baseball team had decided to do for the hell of it. You could tell me literally anything happened in Japan and I would accept it without question.

Here’s a trailer for the upcoming movie. It’s a crossover in the Freddy vs. Jason vein, and according to Wikipedia the film was first teased as an April Fool’s joke last year. I can believe that, too.

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