The Art of Darkness

Seen Online

November 26th, 2019 by Cobwebs

absolutely hate it when im driving down a lonely highway late at night and pass a gaunt, elderly man hitchiking – only to, impossibly, see him again ten miles down the road…and again five miles later…then one mile…c’mon, man. take the hint….
markpopham

Lovecraft writing horror atmosphere like
*lightning cracks*
*a raven caws*
*wind howls through an old rotten tree*
*a black guy is just kinda standing around smiling politely and waves*
*rats or something*
bogleech

i was reading about the myth of prometheus today when the phrase “new liver, same eagles” popped into my mind, so i’m keeping that in mind for the next time someone asks me how it’s going
generalgrievousdatingsim

at some point you’ve got to STOP reading the entrails and go out and LIVE that which was portented by them, because you WILL run out of doves
weaponizedplacebo

My cask of amontillado brings all the boys to the catacombs
And they’re like, you’re entombing us alive
Damn right, I’m entombing you alive
I could free you
But I’m entombing you alive
living_marble

poor old granny scorpion-shoes. no one ever saw her death coming

it was pneumonia.

yes, her pet scorpion pneumonia, who lived in her shoe. tragic.

he shot her point blank

bloggoth

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for a few weeks now, but all their roads have this weird design flaw
roaringstream

at some point you’ve got to STOP reading the entrails and go out and LIVE that which was portented by them, because you WILL run out of doves
weaponizedplacebo

Hwæt! There’s only one month left in the decade. How do the skalds sing of you, and how many grave goods have you amassed for your barrow?
lasrina

Saying “it’s time to get ready for bed”
-boring
-childish

Saying “and now I must attend to my evening affairs”
-mysterious & debonair
-you sound like you know what brandy is

markedly

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

Seen Online

November 6th, 2019 by Cobwebs

All humor is gallows humor if you stop kidding yourself.
HMittelmark

When older straight men refer to “The Wife” I like to imagine they’re all describing the same gigantic creature to whom they are all wed
BunchesOfBees (Note: Some of the replies to this thread are delightful.)

I want paranormal angel romance to be a thing again. But instead of the love interest being a male model with wings, it’s like an interdimensional cosmic horror nightmare with ninety-eight eyeballs.
alexhwrites

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone’ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone’
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

say_shannon

it goes like this, the fourth the fifth, the six the seventh the eighth the ninth, the baffled Count composing hallelujah ah ah ah,
argumate

Voldemort didn’t try to kill Harry Potter until he was 55
Darth Vader was nearly 40 when he built the Death Star
Hannibal was 52 when he escaped from captivity
Thanos was over 65 when he collected the infinity gems
Annie Wilkes was 44 when she found Paul
It’s never too late ❤️
deapoirierbooks

People talk about caterpillars becoming a butterflies as though they just go into a cocoon, slap on wings, and are good to go.

Caterpillars have to dissolve into a disgusting pile of goo to become butterflies.

So if you’re a mess wrapped up in blankets right now, keep going.

JenAshleyWright

sexy roleplay: i’m a muttering Innsmouth townie and you’re a busybody outsider sticking their nose in places they oughtn’t, but the heady scent of aqua velva on your neck is making me forget that i shouldn’t be telling you nothing about them missing archaeologists
ryandroyd

Adults who have rules or opinions about the trick-or-treaters who come to their door can go to hell.

Got no costume? Here’s candy.

You’re 19? Candy.

Weird childless couple pushing a costumed dog in a stroller? Candy is dog poison but I think I have a string cheese.

kibblesmith

I like saying things in ways that, while entirely true, make them sound far more worrisome than they actually are, i.e. “my human wife” and “I’m going to brush my teeth and also any other teeth I encounter.”
NotLasers

“I bought another book”
– transactional
– people will ask if you REALLY need more books
– reminds you of your bank balance

“I paid a terrible price for this knowledge”
– classy Faustian vibes
– intimidating
– implies all books are priceless treasures. which they are.

Sotherans

Posted in Funny Peculiar | No Comments »

Seen Online

October 15th, 2019 by Cobwebs

Bard: “What’s all this?”
Paladin: “The druid is in time-out.”
Bard: “What’d you do?”
Druid: “I was selling a gluten-free organic all-natural weight-loss thing.”
Bard: “And?”
Druid: “It was just hungry wolves. Lots of ’em.”
Paladin: “DO NOT GIGGLE AT THE DRUID’S ATROCITIES.”
boomer_kid

No one ever talks about how an oubliette implies the existence of a larger, and far more terrifying, oobly.
Brainmage

[job interview]
interviewer: so god killed all your kids?
job: that’s right
DanMentos

Zdzisław Beksiński: So first I’ll paint some happy little trees
Beksiński: maybe a little bush
Beksiński: now a crumbling gothic cathedral covered in a pulsing web of arteries
Beksiński: you know, whatever makes you happy
midnight_pals

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted
I don’t get it. I’ve lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.
badjokesbyjeff

The fandom surrounding Pennywise as a character feels really weird considering Pennywise does not exist whatsoever in-canon and is only one of many, many illusory avatars invented on the fly by the Deadlights to eat people with. Yall think you’re thirsty for a baby eating clown but really just want to bang an alien’s novelty chopstick collection.
bogleech

every morning our cat moves her toys from the bedroom to the living room while screaming, and every night she moves them back, also while screaming. i don’t know the purpose of the ritual but it is the central pillar of my faith
paranaturalzack

WIZARD: demon I have summoned you to instruct me in the carnal arts
SUCCUBUS: *hands textbook* turn to page 23
[5 HOURS LATER]
SUCCUBUS: and that covers STDs, bringing us to protection. do you still have the ritual banana I gave you?
WIZARD: ☹️ yes
deathbybadger

[Lord Byron after Percey Shelley died]
hey guys
you think maybe I could keep his skull?
just as a keepsake
not going to do anything weird with it like turn it into a goblet or something
oh these? yea ok yes these are my skull goblets, from a totally unrelated thing
DanaSchwartzzz

i wish dwarves were real just because the folk metal they would produce would be completely unfathomable
tripropellant

Posted in Funny Peculiar | No Comments »

Seen Online

September 17th, 2019 by Cobwebs

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
GloriaFallon123

Just imagine if giraffe necks started out short and made the lightsaber-on sound when they extended them.
dorsalstream

It’s only fanfic if it’s from the Fanfique region of France. Otherwise it’s just sparkling pornography.
copperbadge

REMEMBER
If you encounter a goth in this hot weather DO NOT PICK THEM UP
Instead, put a couple of drops of patchouli oil in a teaspoon of water and leave a Bauhaus album next to them, and they should recover pretty quickly
Brainmage

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half horse, half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
MelindaHoward4

IS YOUR CHILD TEXTING ABOUT EDGAR ALLAN POE?
WCW = wine cellar wednesday
ILU = I love unnamed (narrators)
TFW = the floorboards? well
IANAL = I am not annabel lee
LOL = lover of lenore
STFU = sadly, the fall (of) usher
OMW = (an) orangutan murdered (the) women
NVM = nevermore
SparkNotes

women are heartily tired of generic compliments. tell your girl “you’ll make a fine crime-solving old lady” and “how many princes have you slain, Baba Yaga” and “time will make corpses of us all and I think that’s hot.”
SketchesbyBoze

ME: So you see dead people?
GHOST THERAPIST: Those with insurance, yes.
dorsalstream

i love coming home at the end of the day and untying the ribbon around my neck that holds my head on
mmilhouse

Posted in Funny Peculiar | No Comments »

Seen Online

July 23rd, 2019 by Cobwebs

There are two wolves inside you. One is Virginia Woolf. The other is Beowulf. You are an Introduction to English Literature syllabus.
osutein

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
AbbieEvansXO

my body is less of a “temple” and more of a rotting 19th century mansion rumored to be haunted by several wicked and vengeful spirits
hexglyphs

LADYHONK.
Ladyhawke, except instead of being a hawk, Michelle Pfeiffer is a furious goose.
hayBEARS (The rest of the thread is pretty great too.)

Have found myself going “oh, there’s a nice piece of furniture” while watching What We Do In The Shadows and also Only Lovers Left Alive recently and I’m slowly coming to the realization that I have the interior decorating sense of a set dresser shopping for a vampire house
BBolander

principal: we called your dad
me: fuck
principal: he didn’t answer
me: oh nice
principal: so we called your grandpa
me: but he’s been dead for years
principal: too bad
me: what’d he say
principal: grandpa’s comin
me: what
*a chill wind blows*
principal: grandpa’s comin
Dustinkcouch

So I bought lemonade from these little girls’ lemonade stand and as I was leaving one of them yelled “You’re welcome for the lemonade and good luck fighting the dragon!” so now I’m slightly concerned about how the rest of my day is going to go
probably-voldemort

Food Network Gothic
• You must beat Bobby Flay. He could be anywhere. Under your bed, in your car, standing right behind your door. He’s biding his time. But when he reveals himself, you Must. Beat. Him.
• The Wontons, long forgotten, haunt your every waking moment. Sometimes you wake up at night to the faint sound of bubbling oil.
• Nobody really leaves Flavor Town.
• Iron Chef. Titanium Chef. Diamond Chef. Carbon Fiber Chef.
• In every dark space, you see the glowing outline of Alton Brown’s grin. You can’t tell what his intentions are.
• The Chairman somersaults through your dreams, cackling.
heckedy-peg

Concept: with the trend toward smaller family sizes in the modern era, certain prognostically significant genealogical configurations have gone from rare to practically nonexistent, to the point that incumbent destinies are increasingly obliged to take what they can get. So it is that our intrepid protagonist, as the only seventh daughter of a seventh daughter for several thousand miles in any direction, finds herself the simultaneous Chosen One of four unrelated and seemingly mutually exclusive prophesies.
prokopetz

[using Ouija board]
“yo Chad, can you hear us?”
*W*
*A*
*A*
*A*
*Z*
*Z*
*Z*
“this is gonna take a while, Chad died in 1999.”
_elvishpresley_

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

Seen Online

June 11th, 2019 by Cobwebs

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
elle91

[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
BoogTweets

I’m goth enough to know that if you hear an out-of-tune piano start playing in an abandoned house, you go into that house.
DothTheDoth

I have a deep-seated fear of running water. Or any liquid with legs really.
WheelTod

TEMP AGENCY: Okay, so, based on past work experience, where would you say your strengths lies?
OOMPAH LOOMPAH: I’m good at singing after a child dies, if you have anything with that.
AndrewNadeau0

I love watching horror movies with a dog. I get scared but they’re just like, “hell yeah, bones”
hiyamaya0

a baby grand piano implies the existence of sex organs
TweetPotato314

[Camp]
*stifles a laugh as I put the sleeping Wicked Witch’s hand in a pan of warm water*
OH NO OH SHIT SORRY SORRY
SirEviscerate

Just got back from the mutation lab and boy are my arms legs
Cpin42

Me: *cuts the box in half and spins both sides to show the audience*
[from the back of the wake] “dude”
BoogTweets

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

Seen Online

May 28th, 2019 by Cobwebs

let me be clear, when you roll a 20 to seduce the monster, that is not you being so sexy that the monster becomes into you. that is you being so lucky that the monster’s first boyfriend looked a lot like you and they still have a lot of stuff to work out.
ARDMOOD

breast augmentation just means they make them bigger or smaller, it’s never anything cool like a robot eye or a poison dart launcher installed right in the boob
eedrk

Baba Yaga
Scary Yaga
Sporty Yaga
Ginger Yaga
Posh Yaga
GoFrankGo

Kids putting their teeth under their pillows is the most occultist shit in the world. Yes, child, put the discarded bone under your pillow. if you are lucky the tiny demon will come and make her purchase. Sell your bones for riches, my child, your youth will be spent soon.
DanaSchwartzzz

Supervillains announcing their plans is actually a union thing so they can’t be sued for damages someone else may commit at the same time
e-seal

Spiders are goth sewing machines.
stevevsninjas

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
HenpeckedHal

There’s a Wikipedia article of “list of body parts named after people” and it’s great. Awards:
* Most Likely to be a Death Metal Band: Crypts of Lieberkühn
* Most Unfortunate Naming Choice: Sphincter of Oddi
* What Is This, Some Kind Of D&D Thing: Zonule of Zinn
* Hottest Medical Eponym: Apley grind test
* Most Likely To Be What Some Frat Bro Calls His Genitals: Bodansky unit
* Probably Secretly Some Gross Traditional British Food: Clutton’s joints
farbandish

me criticizing fantasy settings in 2007: lmao none of this geography makes sense. and look at these names. this one has four apostrophes in it

me criticizing fantasy settings in 2017: has no one…has no one considered the matter of fishing rights

skeletoncrimes

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

Seen Online

May 7th, 2019 by Cobwebs

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Ygrene

Your skeleton is just a gift that time slowly unwraps.
dorsalstream

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
thechrisschmidt

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Prof_Hinkley

My outgoing message on my voicemail is 40 seconds of my dog licking himself. If you want to leave me a voicemail you’re gonna work for it.
jessokfine

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
PleaseBeGneiss

“I see my assassins failed.”
-how I’m going to greet people from now on
Buffalojill

if a ghost picks a fight with you keep your elbows tucked in aim for the soft spots and remember someone already killed that motherfucker once
minkpinkustink

i don’t go in bouncy castles because i’m afraid of bouncy dracula
blainecapatch

When God closes a door, he opens a window, and that’s how all the angel squirrels got in here.
dorsalstream

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

Seen Online

March 19th, 2019 by Cobwebs

[to the tune of Alexander Hamilton]

Hwæt Hwæ-Hwæ-Hwæ Hwæ-Hwæ Hwæt!

*violins*

How does a Geat-Wægmunding, Ecgtheow’s son,
fresh from Gotland, dropped in the middle of Heorot under Hrothgar,
star in a tale by a scop on a lyre,
& end up burning on a funeral pyre?

medievaliszt

more vampires should have obsessive weird hobbies
“I’m making a stop motion animated film out of bonsai trees, i’ve been at it since the 70s its 3 minutes long”

“i’ve been breeding parrots purely for intelligence, this is Arnaldo, he can do basic multiplication, he’s my 5th generation african grey”

like you got endless amount of time make weirrrd STUFF

JessiSheron

sir that’s my emotional support decaying portrait that portrays all my sins
classicalxena

My favourite knuckle tat idea is PLAN AHEA
Fenreliania

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
BahuWrites

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
ItsDanSheehan

DM now stands for Dungeon MANAGING. You have no budget and they only promoted you to downsize one of the Truth and Lies door guards (“why do we need TWO,” upper management said). The creature that lies in deep waters wants to talk to you about his performance review.
AnaMardoll

[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
MattTheBrand

Embrace imposter syndrome.
Revel in the fact you have fooled everyone.
You are a Trickster Goddess.
You are the Imposter Child for Deception and Clever Ruses.
EliLizzieLizbet

Hades: babe what’s wrong?
Persephone, drunk, scratching two of cerberus’ heads, weeping: I don’t have enough hands
forever-painting-roses

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 3 Comments »

Seen Online

March 12th, 2019 by Cobwebs

mother: *holding newborn for first time* awww look at you, you have my eyes.
Father: and my smile
Aragorn: you have my sword
Legolas: and you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Nurse: Can we get Security in here please, theyre back again.
eddytheaxe

While Anubis is weighing your heart, you give a quick squeeze to the squeaky toy you had buried with your body. His expression remains static, but you think you saw his tail wag, just a little bit.
TheDoorTHEDOOR

HOW CAN ONE BELIEVE IN ROMANTIC LOVE WHEN YOUR PARTNER NEVER ONCE GETS TO SEE YOUR WHOLE SKELETON
SICKOFWOLVES

Obi-Wan: If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine*
Obi-Wan: *turns into semi-helpful ghost*
ObsKenobs

NO MORE BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD UNTIL HE FINISHES HIS VEGETABLES
SissyNat

Every time I put my son down for a nap he wakes up evil and I’m starting to regret building his crib over this ancient burial ground.
daddydoubts

The hardest part about painting is getting the eyes right…the way they move, the WAY THEY GROW AND SPIRAL, THE THING THAT HUNGERS RISING WITHIN THEM, TWO DARK WELLS WITHIN WHICH A VOICE SINGS TO YOU A VOICE THAT IS HORRIFYINGLY FAMILIAR…
hottestsingles

so I says to Ernest Hemingway “funny thing; you mention the missus really likes one kind of baby shoes, and what happens? the whole damn family give you them for Christmas. Six pairs, what’s the use in that? You’re a writer, help us out with this eBay listing”
dsquareddigest

life hack: u dont have to be a wolf to yell sad noises at the moon
reallyreallyreallytrying

unpopular fantasy opinion: dragons shit gold. that’s why the lairs are filled with it etc, they don’t collect it they create it. Think about it – do you ever see dragons bringing sacks of gold home?

No, it’s whole cows. Then time passes, then there’s gold.

Not rocket science.

mykola
(Note: The ensuing comment thread is worth a read.)

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

« Previous Entries