The Art of Darkness

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February 14th, 2018 by Cobwebs

me: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg, it’s finally happening
me: *falls over*
girlfriend: the poison is kicking in
coryrichardson_

Our dog Paddy brought our cat Felix into the house this evening and lovingly placed him in front of the fire. Yes, that was such a sweet thing to do…except for the fact that Felix was buried on Tuesday. Hence I am on the wine.
ctallcailin

There’s a door that only ever appears when it rains. It’s only in one spot at any given time in the world. You’ll think your mind is playing tricks on you—it isn’t. It’s real. Find it.
Find me.
thenewfiction

If someone is effortlessly happy in the morning, that’s a demon. You’re talking to a demon.
DothTheDoth

Hello, children, and welcome to Hogwarts.
Let us begin by asking a dead guy’s talking hat how many of you are evil.
jelenawoehr

I want a “Big Brother”-style show featuring famous historical mad scientists, just so I can have the scene where Victor Frankenstein looks at the camera and says “I’m not here to make… FRIENDS.”
scalzi

When there’s an earthquake, coffins become huge underground maracas.
Showerthoughts

There was a storm brewing in the teacup. A tiny kraken, once desiccated in a magic war, woke among the leaves.
Honey calmed it, though.
MicroSFF

Give me a supervillain whose origin story begins with them as a cashier until they eventually snap, you cowards.
giggleboxx3000

Hey gang, Ozymandias here! Thanks as always for looking on my works, and if you liked what you saw don’t forget to click “Despair!”
BrennanLM

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

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February 6th, 2018 by Cobwebs

the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters
iamspacegirl

Being an old-timey doctor would rule, just drunk as hell like “yeah u got ghosts in your blood, you should do cocaine about it”
eliyudin

It’s canon that Encyclopedia Brown died grappling with Bugs Meany above Reichenbach Falls.
KenJennings

After conducting massive sleep studies we realized dreams were constant based on date.
Every January 27th was a dream about an unrequited love.
April 19th: Death.
June 10th: Flight.
This discovery was one of the final breakthroughs in realizing our universe was a simulation.
thenewfiction

I scream.
You scream.
We all scream.
This is a support group for banshees.
courtenlow

Before a dental appointment tuck a few small feathers inside your cheeks. When the dentist finds them, start purring.
thewritertype

reasons why skeletons are good:
-always smiling
-everyone has one (egalitarian)
-no meat (cruelty free)
-doing their best
unhaunting

SHOULD I EAT THIS APPLE: A GUIDE
in the following circumstances, do NOT eat the apple
– Snake with legs gave it to you
– Lobbed at you during wedding reception; gold
– Bicolored and offered by old woman bearing striking resemblance to ribbon-and-comb sellers
#folklorethursday
Vengeful_Doe

Tonight at work a creepy dude asked me “what’s your secret to staying so slim and perky?” I responded “I’m a thousand year old witch & every morning I bathe in the blood of men I’ve sacrificed” & an old lady nearby laughed; pretty sure this makes us an official coven
isabelzawtun

Dance like nobody’s watching. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Maintain pike intervals like there’s a maniple of legionaries charging who will close to sword range if you fuck up and give them an opening and then you, and all your battle brothers, are meat for the Roman beast.
MykeCole

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January 16th, 2018 by Cobwebs

I’m the only one who knows this is a murder mystery dinner
meganamram

[Antiques Roadshow]
Do you see how your shadow turns toward the doll irrespective of the light? She’ll do quite well at auction, but that’s the least of your problems now
suntzufuntzu

HOW TO AVOID A WEREWOLF ATTACK:
1. Do not run. Maintain eye contact.
2. Question their dominance. “Who’s a good boy?”
3. Keep them in suspense. “Who’s a good boy?!”
4. Pop the surprise. “YOU are!”
5. Treats. Hard biscuits tackle bad breath and improve digestive health.
PaintYourDragon

Necromancers are just healers who don’t give up.
Loudwindow

When one door closes, lock it securely, along with all your other doors, before any inspirational quotes get in.
thewritertype

When walking past a bookstore, please do not tap the glass!! You will scare the books and then have to buy them all to comfort them.
PaperFury

If you delete the word “of” from most D&D magic items, it sounds like you’re naming jazz musicians: Boots Elvenkind, Bag Holding, Ray Enfeeblement, etc.
Apparatus the Crab is a 90s alt band though
Diacritic

when bodyguards whisper into their jacket they are telling their pocketworm that she is their best friend
DemiLardner

I Was Transported Into A Fantasy World But Magic And Using A Sword Is Real Hard So I Guess I’m Learning How To Rotate Crops
spacetwinks

People always think it would be cool to be friends with ghosts but probably a lot of those ghosts would be racist
MaraWilson

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January 9th, 2018 by Cobwebs

just once when an actress is asked “what’s your beauty secret?” i want her to coyly smile, pop her head off with both hands, & bats fly out
aparnapkin

wish you could add titles to official government records, like yeah I’m Ruben Ferdinand, The Unquelled Darkness, that’s me
urbanfriendden

the year is 1888
me, the first palaeontologist to dig up a triceratops skull, whispering softly: what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuckkkk
captainshroom

ok look if you’re gonna be a cannibal don’t start with someone’s intestines
do you see carnivores doing that? no. they focus on muscle tissue
damn
am_anatiala

MOVIE IDEA: Jason Voorhees kills a guy, who it turns out is an actual goalie. His team sees Jason, assumes HE’S their team-mate, Jason has a new career. Jason turns out to be really good, so his team starts hiding all the murders he’s committing. FRIDAY THE 13TH: JASON ON ICE
BrianLynch

I want to belong to an old-timey gentlemen’s club, but for women
Just a place where ladies can sit in leather chairs in stuffy rooms lined with books and huff about politics and possibly make globetrotting bets and confer about mysteries
jenniferemorrow

got fired from my job in the funeral home for inventing casketball
trojansauce

FOR THIS COMING YEAR REMEMBER TO…
• get enough sleep
• drink water
• raise a kraken to be your son
• finally get a vorpal sword
• read the books you buy instead of hoarding them
• haha okay one of these isn’t realistic
PaperFury

Kinda hope all of this year’s tax prep commercials are just accountants screaming into the abyss.

*…H&R Block spokesdude screams in a hoarse whisper, a green light behind his eyes as the tentacled horrors wrap around him and finally, FINALLY, end his suffering…*

*…a furious homeowner who paid for the premium package calls the TurboTax hotline to speak with a rep. They are greeted with hold music, followed by the sound of an infinite number of tiny creatures which feed upon souls, their mandibles chittering…*

*…all CPAs at the Jackson Hewitt branch offices have been replaced by cultists in black robes. They hold black iron knives pitted with the acidic blood of monsters we cannot comprehend with our mortal minds. There is a 15-minute wait, but there is also coffee…*

*…the friendly polystyrene Lady Liberty mascot from Liberty Tax Service is no more. She has been replaced by Mi-Go, the alien bat-lobster with eyeballs on its tail. It has some trouble holding the sign with its claws while dancing on the side of the road…*
KBSpangler

when will we get a children’s animated bible series that depicts angels as the incomprehensible cosmological horrors they scripturally are

like a kid gets visited by a throne, which is this winged, rotating wheel with spokes of tendon and flesh, and no one freaks out and nothing’s wrong.

CHILD: Is this a message from God? ANGEL: (unleashes a screeching wall of sound, an overwhelming voice in a transcendental language that plays with synapses as if they were guitar strings) CHILD: You’re right! I’ll make sure to study extra hard!

PRAYING MAN: I’m sure God is watching me up there, somewhere, guiding me… ANGEL HOVERING THREE INCHES ABOVE HIM: (unfurls its pearly, dripping wings, and a thousand unblinking eyes stare directly at the man, his faith and devotion exposed for each bloodshot iris to see)
urbanfriendden

who needs ghosts? haunt your own house. wander around your own living room wailing and crying
elfroots420

I do already ghosts hate me because I do their job for them
simplystormie

Millennials killing the haunting industry.
bornite

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 3 Comments »

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December 19th, 2017 by Cobwebs

if you own funko pops you have to fight every character you own in the afterlife when you die
sadcrowprince

A neat fact is that anyone with the surname of “Jones” actually begins life as a “Jone” and only evolves once they devour another Jone or Jones.
SamSykesSwears

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
DothTheDoth

God wrest ye buried gentlemen from your eternal sleep
It’s time to dig your way out from your slumber six feet deep
I need to raise an army and the living don’t come cheap
Oh, zombies, submit to my command
heed my commands
Oh, zombies, submit to my command
KestrelPi

Up on the rooftop, click click click /
Click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click / down through the chimney with
M I L L I P E D E S
jephjacques

Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand* haha stop hitting yourself, why are you hitting yourself
Sister-in-law: *crying* is this why you wanted an open casket
smithsara79

In the meadow we can build a snowman
And pretend that he’s a circus clown
He’ll say “we all float here” we’ll say “NO MAN”
And get the freakin’ hell out of this town
vixy

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
—————
Update! Talked with the wife. Turns out my toddler has been talking a lot about “When I was big.” Like, he told her today: “When I was big, I lived in France.” Do I… do I need a young priest and an old priest?
jeremiahtolbert

Mozzarella sticks are like fish fingers that successfully got themselves deprogrammed from a cult
rstevens

This is going to be a stressful week. Remember to take care of yourself.
1. Eat regularly
2. Stay hydrated
3. Don’t look in the closet
4. Groom
5. Don’t listen to the voice telling you to go in the closet
6. Bathe
7. Don’t listen to the carousel music playing from the closet
SamSykesSwears

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

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December 5th, 2017 by Cobwebs

Sigh. You know, it’s nice that this bad guy is female! That’s great! But does it have to be a Oh Woe My Lost Child plotline? I am fully capable of being evil for power as much as the next dude!
My grandmothers marched in the streets for the right of women to be banal villains with non-maternal storylines! MAYBE I JUST WANT TO YELL MUAHAHA AND PET MY TAME HYENA, DID YOU THINK OF THAT?!
UrsulaV

you’re on the beach passing by one of those airbrush t shirt kiosks that have a million unlicensed characters on them but you see one with your exact face and name on it and he won’t sell it to you
letshearitforthisclown

An app that matches you with someone else who just saw a specific movie from 6 years ago and also needs to talk about it.
McJesse

Horror is an advent calendar. So many windows through which to gaze into the same abyss.
NamelessNorbert

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️ was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
OmarNajam

I’ve said this before but it bears repeating: if you truly want to be happy, haunt an old Victorian house on top of an eerie hill.
DothTheDoth

intelligence is knowing Frankenstein wasn’t the monster.
wisdom is knowing Frankenstein WAS the monster.
Dave_Cochran

WELCOME TO DREAD DENNY’S. TODAY ONLY WE WILL SLATHER A FAMILY MEMBER OF YOUR CHOOSING IN BATTER AND FEED THEM INTO THE RAVENOUS MAW OF OUR CUSTOMERS’ GLUTTONY. SCREAM THE SECRET NAME OF THE HAM OMELETTE AND BE SPARED.
PostCultRev

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
simoncholland

“Dad, why do Santa’s deer have bells?”
“Remember how we put the bell on the cat because he kept eating birds?”
“Yeah?”
“That. But kids.”
ASmallFiction

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

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November 15th, 2017 by Cobwebs

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
tamizdatum

Everyone forgets Poundfoolish, his less successful younger brother who flunked out of evil clown college.
muskrat_john

I made voodoo dolls of my dogs just so I could still rub their bellies while I’m at work.
drinksmcgee

Fun: watch any old movie and note when you could stop the plot cold with a cell phone.
MJMcKean

Seriously, though, fanart has been, like, 80% of art. It’s just that for a long time Jesus was the only fandom.
SamSykesSwears

EVERY DOG LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE JUST INFORMED IT THAT IT IS A DOG AND THE NEWS IS VERY EXCITING
SICKOFWOLVES

an app called airDnD where traveling nerds can find a role playing group to join for a night
rebeccawatson

A creepy guy in the mall just winked at me and said “Hey doll” so I was like fuck you pig I’m an ACTION FIGURE.
OhNoSheTwitnt

concept: old necromancer grandma brushing down all of her skeleton minions every night before bed with a toothbrush and a shit ton of toothpaste
l-nobby-l

Concept: Werewolves with irregular shifting cycles
“Yeah, I haven’t shifted in, like—” *checks app* “—42 days? So I’m just chaining myself up in the basement every night, you know? A bit annoying, but it saves on mess.”
krfabian

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

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October 24th, 2017 by Cobwebs

be the reason why men are afraid to sail past the island you live on.
SketchesbyBoze

“What’s the point of living?” he asked.
“To help people, however you can,” said the oracle.
“That’s it?”
“It’s working for me.”
ASmallFiction

Bookworms don’t want stories about heroes. Tell us the backstory of Evil That Does Not Sleep! Why can’t it sleep? Is everything ok at home??
PaperFury

Guys. I’m here to red-pill you all.
You’ve never heard the actual Monster Mash. You’ve just heard a record *about* the Monster Mash.
Yeah.
Lawrence_Miles

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
tomwalkerisgood

every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
KimmyMonte

Smartest thing I ever did was attach my keyring to this cursed doll, now if I lose my keys they reappear on my doorstep covered in blood
timpratt

[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
TheToddWilliams

My delusions of grandeur are mostly limited to the belief that I’d be a GREAT addition to a post-apocalyptic scrappy band of misfits
MaraWilson

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
iamspacegirl

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

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October 4th, 2017 by Cobwebs

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
InternetHippo

First they came for the quantum physicists, but the quantum physicists hadn’t arrived, but also had left already, because fuck linear time.
thewritertype

Feeling sick? Ask:
Have I eaten?
Am I dehydrated?
Change in caffeine intake?
Cursed by a nymph after insulting a tree?
Picked wrong goblet?
grace_march

I’d like to think I have an adventurous spirit, but I probably would have climbed into the Narnia wardrobe and taken a nap on those coats.
LizHackett

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
suntzufuntzu

When you die, a carny helps you out of your human body, waits to see if you’re going to throw up, then asks if you want to go again.
HMittelmark

Bringing an octopus to a gun fight buys you at least 10 additional seconds while your opponent stands there going “…octopus…”
KBSpangler

As an Australian it’s weird seeing Americans talk about some “Elf on the Shelf”. Do you not have the Christmas Spider or what
Ettin64

Be afraid. But don’t be very afraid. Not yet. Everything could get much worse, and you’ll have peaked too early.
thewritertype

Girls don’t want just any pockets. They want INDUSTRIAL POCKETS to fill with cake, nice rocks, pirate weapons, and a baby dragon they found.
PaperFury

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

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August 22nd, 2017 by Cobwebs

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Pundamentalism

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
LizHackett

I don’t have a resting bitch face. My bitch face is always on duty, ever vigilant. My bitch face will rest when its work is done.
awesomonster

if i die on a hill it’s gonna be the bottom of that hill. i’m not climbing up a hill to die
futurecreaturre

*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
LeBearGirdle

As your goth financial advisor I urge you to bury all of your possessions & then on your death bed whisper their location to a stranger.
DothTheDoth

I know that “rainbow bridge” thing people say when a pet dies originated in a poem, but I can’t help but think, “Mittens went to Asgard.”
Jenny_Trout

“Dad where do babies come from?”
“Son, when birds & bees mate, they make us afterward. We’re birdbees, son. Abominations. And we’re hunted.”
Home_Halfway

why did everyone play the recorder in fourth grade what were they training us for
dariatbh

I feel like I missed an amazing opportunity to make my wedding registry be only haunted dolls.
LizHackett

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

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