The Art of Darkness

The Zombible

June 29th, 2016 by Cobwebs

Zombible LogoThere are things in the wilds of the intarwebs that make you quizzically cock your head to one side like a dog hearing a high-pitched whistle, and this is one of them.

The Zombible (“Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Zombies”) dares to ask the question, “How might the Gospels have been different if Jesus had come to Earth not to save mankind from sin, but from zombies?” And then it rewrites the contents of the four gospels by way of an answer.

It’s subtle; the prose uses the King James style of writing, and if you just skim it you might not notice anything amiss. But if you read a bit more closely, you notice things like this part of the Parable of the Prodigal Son:

7 And when he came to himself, he thought, How many hired servants has my father spare, and I moan with hunger! 8 I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Brains, 9 and call upon his hired servants.

10 And he arose, and shambled to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell, and ran, and kissed him.

11 And the son said unto him, Brains.

The authors state that this is their first work, so they may intend to rewrite the entire New Testament to reflect Jesus’ new mission. It’d be amusing to quote a verse here and there, insisting that they’re legitimate.

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 4 Comments »

The Ring vs. The Grudge

June 9th, 2016 by Cobwebs

Last week in Japan the opening of a national baseball game was “interrupted” by the ghosts from The Ring and The Grudge. Sadako (whose cleats, I believe, are my favorite part of this whole weird endeavor) pitched against a blood-streaked Kayako and her ghostly son. Because why not.

It was a promotion for the upcoming horror movie Sadako vs. Kayako, but I could just as easily believe that it was something the baseball team had decided to do for the hell of it. You could tell me literally anything happened in Japan and I would accept it without question.

Here’s a trailer for the upcoming movie. It’s a crossover in the Freddy vs. Jason vein, and according to Wikipedia the film was first teased as an April Fool’s joke last year. I can believe that, too.

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Seen Online

June 8th, 2016 by Cobwebs

If reincarnation is real, I wonder if I’ve ever read anything about my previous life without realizing it.
rShowerThoughts

Dads in horror movies always have the most chill explanations.
“Our son is covered in pentagrams!”
Well maybe he’s just allergic to dairy.
robfee

“You fought valiantly, soldiers. May your bodies one day interrupt an important infrastructure project.”
– ancient burial
ReimannCometh

don’t worry about hipster zombies, they won’t eat anyone you know
GrantTanaka

[me, attempting to communicate with the dead] “hey u up lol”
[ouija board spells out “READ AT 11:57 PM”]
timcuckley

Sex with me is like tossing a hotdog down a hallway. It’s a lot more fun than you expected.
justabloodygame

the only real downside of being a virgin is that u can literally be used as a blood sacrifice at any given moment
cheezetits

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice
rShowerThoughts

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
WheelTod

We are gathered here today because SOMEBODY *glares at coffin* couldn’t stay alive.
donutsornonuts

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

The Most Adorable Filth You’ll See All Day

June 6th, 2016 by Cobwebs

Dust Buddies is a story about the friendship between two dust bunnies, Fuzz and Lint, who live peacefully under a couch. When an evil maid comes to clean the house and sucks Fuzz into her vacuum, Lint must overcome his fears and set out to rescue his friend.

(via The Presurfer)

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Growing Darkness

May 30th, 2016 by Cobwebs

The Shadow Family attended Balticon this weekend, and one of the activities was a showing of short films. I thought this one was cute.

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Seen Online

May 24th, 2016 by Cobwebs

Someone: Raising a family is hard
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close enough to each other
Someone: What?
Necromancer: What?
king-nerdlord

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
3sunzzz

The only reason I shop at consignment shops is I like wearing haunted dead people pants.
bourgeoisalien

Goodnight, sleep tight, let the bedbugs bite.
“You mean don’t let the bedbugs bite, Dad.”
The bugs must feed on you, son. A debt is owed.
living_marble

Every time you use glitter glue, remember that it used to be a My Little Pony
meganamram

Work emails get way more eldritch when you read I.T. as IT.
IT IS AWARE OF THE PROBLEM
IT HAS ISSUED A TICKET
IT IS WAITING AT YOUR DESK
emilyhughes

No matter the situation the expression ” I’m dying. ” is always the truth.
shwr_thoughts

Feminist construction workers aren’t any better. They subjectify women as we walk by. “You’re beautiful on the inside!” they scream at me.
TheWoodenslurpy

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
TheAlexNevil

Goodnight. Dream safely. As long as you don’t dream about the Door in the Fog you’ll be just fine. Maybe dream about bunnies. Sleep well.
neilhimself

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

The Necrocard

May 18th, 2016 by Cobwebs

NecrocardIf you found a laminator to make yourself an Artistic License, here’s another amusing card you can put in your wallet.

Writer and performance artist Stewart Home decided to explore the relationship between sex and death by creating donor cards enabling the bearers to leave their body for sexual experimentation. His description of public reaction to the cards is interesting, and it brings up the deeper philosophical question: Is necrophilia still wrong if you’ve got the corpse’s specific consent?

Stewart copied the design of the NHS donor card to create his version. The design isn’t particularly attractive, so if you’re going to make your own you might want to experiment with the color and style.

I may make up a bunch of these as favors for my next Halloween party.

(This post was first published in June 2008; I’ll be doing a few days of “blast from the past” archive posts in a probably-vain effort to catch up with real life.)

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Invaders

May 16th, 2016 by Cobwebs

“A pair of home invaders consider their potential character choices just prior to their planned invasion.”

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

I See an Anatomically-Incorrect Man in Your Future…

May 12th, 2016 by Cobwebs

JusticeMichelle of The Little Review has…well, something. “Too much time on her hands” and “An unhealthy interest in Barbie dolls” are two things that spring, ineluctably, to mind. But “relentlessness” must also be added to the list, because she’s managed to dig up enough Barbie images to populate an entire tarot deck.

The Barbie Tarot replaces the suit of Swords with Hats and Pentacles with Purses, and the minor arcana use Princes and Princesses instead of Knights and Pages. Also it’s bubblegum pink. Each card identifies the doll used and describes why it was selected.

11   Justice   Wonder Woman from Barbie Loves Pop Culture
The traditional image for Justice is a blindfolded woman holding the scales, balancing fairness and virtue against a lack of consideration and rigidity. The Amazon superheroine must balance her disguise as an ordinary woman with her use of the Lasso of Truth and indestructible bracelets to bring criminals to justice and help the downtrodden.

I’m…speechless.

(This post was first published in April 2008; I’ll be doing a few days of “blast from the past” archive posts in a probably-vain effort to catch up with real life.)

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 3 Comments »

Croaked

May 2nd, 2016 by Cobwebs

“A precocious little girl who finds a dead frog and, being the aspiring doctor she is, decides to ‘heal’ it.”

(via The Presurfer)

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

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