The Art of Darkness

Epic Rap Battles: Stephen King vs Edgar Allan Poe

July 21st, 2014 by Cobwebs

Pffft. No contest.

(via Burning Prairie)

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June 23rd, 2014 by Cobwebs

“I’ll hold your stuff.”

(Hat tip to pdq)

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Modern Curses

June 18th, 2014 by Cobwebs

CurseThe Toast has an amusing list of modern curses that you can yell the next time somebody cuts you off in traffic.

A few of them aren’t really “modern” in that they’d work in pretty much any day and age:

May you achieve just enough success to keep you from giving up and finding satisfaction elsewhere, but never enough success to truly relax.

May everyone you lend books to return them unread or keep them forever.

Many of them are technology-dependent:

Whenever you want to watch either Working Girl or 9 To 5, may the other one always be the only one streaming on Netflix Instant.

May none of your friends take your food allergy seriously; may they always pretend to forget just before serving you something you’ve told them you can’t possibly eat.

I think this one is my favorite:

May you never be understood in the comments.

Many commenters have contributed suggestions of their own, and some of them are lethal:

May the username you chose in 1997 because no one else had it (no numbers after your name!) and have had ever since, which you use on all social media and your personal email, become the name of a hate group, a boy band, or a reality show.
– Vera_Knoop

May your google image search results (for anything, and everything) always include a photo with holes and pods.
– omg_kitties

And commenter Elsa is Emily rejoined with a list of modern benedictions:

May your readers always know that you keen out not an indictment but the common anxieties between you.

May your wifi never waver, nor your bars drop below four.

May your co-workers understand the mundane truth that “It is what it is,” but never give you a plaque inscribed with those words in the Secret Santa swap.

May the world be large enough to accommodate your idiosyncratic passions, and small enough to find others who do.

I can think of a few other curses too:
“May your Save function always fail.”
“May your boss stumble upon your Twitter feed.”
“May online dating sites pair you repeatedly with your ex.”
“May you be logged out of eBay just as you go to place a last-minute bid.”
“May you accidentally hit Reply All.”

Got any others? Leave ‘em in the comments!

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Bass Dogs

June 12th, 2014 by Cobwebs

Bass DogThis is the sort of thing that I would normally just toss in a link dump, but Jay Bentley determinedly playing a corgi needs a wider audience.

After noticing that “bass players who use their fingers as opposed to a pick look like they’re tickling hairy dogs,” Michael M decided to make that connection more obvious with poorly-photoshopped dogs. Thus began Bass Dogs, and it is glorious.

He accepts submissions, but only if they’re photoshopped; he’s quite adamant that no one should attempt to play a real dog like a bass. He apparently will also do requests if you send him a photo, although he says he has a bit of a backlog. (And yes, he knows that the photoshopping is bad; according to his FAQ, he likes that bit the best.)

The dogs are often appropriately-costumed, such as the bee-suited dachshund being played by Sting. The blog will also occasionally branch out with things like piano sharks.

The whole thing is really deeply surreal and also deeply wonderful. I may never be able to look at a bassist again without giggling.

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David Lynch’s Return of the Jedi

June 9th, 2014 by Cobwebs

It’s long been known in fannish circles that when George Lucas was looking for a director to helm Return of the Jedi, David Lynch was one of the choices he considered.* There’s been occasional speculation about what a Lynchian take on the movie would have looked like–I’d have watched for the Ewok scenes alone–and finally someone has answered that question with a faux trailer.

(via BoingBoing)

*David Cronenberg was another one. George Lucas apparently had a very odd vision of what Jedi should be like.

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Seen Online

May 28th, 2014 by Cobwebs

My new makeup guarantees to make you more beautiful in seconds. It utilizes paper bag technology.

A cool curse would be if every time your enemy threw something, it hit and killed an eagle.

I only have eyes for you. We sold out of skin swaths & teeth a couple hours ago. Last few eyes are in that bucket. (50% off bruised ones.)

Google Earth your house.
See the blue baseball hat in your front bushes?

Before somebody visits me, I put a note in my pocket confirming a) it was them who murdered me, and b) why they did it. Just in case.

Don’t think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.

“So what if Sharona WAS Jessie’s Girl? Oh, and dead the whole time.” – M. Night Shyamalan, pitching his 80′s rock opera

Wolves howling in a thunder storm are actually just laughing at how scared your dog is.

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

As FDR famously said “The only thing we have to fear are the spiderpeople among us. Their disguises are really good.”

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What We Do in the Shadows

May 26th, 2014 by Cobwebs

Indie film What We Do in the Shadows (tagline, “Interviews with Some Vampires”) is a horror/comedy mockumentary about a group of vampires living together in Wellington, New Zealand. Jermaine Clement from Flight of the Conchords is one of its stars.

Follow the lives of Viago (Taika Waititi), Deacon (Jonathan Brugh), and Vladislav (Jemaine Clement) – three flatmates who are just trying to get by and overcome life’s obstacles-like being immortal vampires who must feast on human blood. Hundreds of years old, the vampires are finding that beyond sunlight catastrophes, hitting the main artery, and not being able to get a sense of their wardrobe without a reflection-modern society has them struggling with the mundane like paying rent, keeping up with the chore wheel, trying to get into nightclubs, and overcoming flatmate conflicts.

It sort of sounds like what Being Human would be if it were played for laughs.

Here’s the official trailer:

They’ve also posted a couple of other teaser ads: Passing Time, Hypnosis in the Shadows, and Incubus Seeks Succubus. I expect there’ll be more to follow.

Looks like fun.

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Recut Trailers: Frozen

May 12th, 2014 by Cobwebs

I’m always impressed with how a little creative editing and a change in background music can completely alter the tone of a movie. Here “movie freak” Bobby Burns reimagines Frozen as something just a tad darker.

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Seen Online

April 29th, 2014 by Cobwebs

There’s a really great article about you in tomorrow’s paper. Nice photo of you on the front page too. Wish you’d be able to see it.

I am rubber and you are glue. We used to be people, but we angered a witch.

If your grave doesn’t say “rest in peace” on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war

The most powerful man in the forest is the lumberjack who decides which trees become guitars and which trees become toilet paper.

Next time your roommate texts you to keep it down respond with “I’m not home right now…” just to give them some perspective.

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

A big difference between childhood and adulthood is how much time you spend telling ladybugs their house is on fire.

For fun, you look through the wrong end of the binoculars. Very far away, it seems, there is a man reaching for something with gloved hands.

Willy Wonka is the best movie about cheering on child murder

I want to defend a penguin in court just so I can say, “Your Honor. My client is clearly not a flight risk.”

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Death is Not an Option

April 23rd, 2014 by Cobwebs

It’s time for another round of Death is Not an Option! The rules, as always, are simple: Given the choice of a pair of people, you have to decide which one you’d rather sleep with; choosing death instead is not an option. This time it’s science fiction villains.

The Terminator Matchup
The Terminator   T-1000
800 Series (Terminator) vs. T-1000 (Terminator 2)

The Evil Businessman Matchup
Sellars   Zorg
Raymond Sellars (Robocop) vs. Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg (The Fifth Element)

The Femme Fatale (Really Really Fatale) Matchup
Sil   Space Girl
Sil (Species) vs. Space Girl (Lifeforce)

The Artificial Humans Matchup
The Gunslinger   Roy Batty
The Gunslinger (Westworld) vs. Roy Batty (Blade Runner)

The Whovian Matchup
Rassilon   The Master
Rassilon vs. The Master

The Khaaaaaaaan Matchup
Khan 1   Khan 2
Khan (Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan) vs. Khan (Star Trek Into Darkness)

The Wicked Women Matchup
Borg Queen   Cylon Six
The Borg Queen (Star Trek) vs. Number Six (Battlestar Galactica)

The Supervillain Matchup
Lex Luthor   Sylar
Lex Luthor (Smallville) vs. Sylar (Heroes)

The All Darth Matchup
Darth Vader   Darth Maul
Darth Vader (Star Wars 4-6) vs. Darth Maul (Star Wars 1)

The Scary Psychos Matchup
Alex DeLarge   Harkonnen
Alex DeLarge (A Clockwork Orange) vs. Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen (Dune)

Leave your choices in the comments. And remember…Death is not an option.

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