The Art of Darkness

Seen Online

June 18th, 2018 by Cobwebs

“You don’t care,” he called into the void.
‘no’ the void replied.
“The universe is not fair, or kind, or just!”
‘no,’ the void said, ‘but’
“What?”
‘you can do what the universe can not, be what it can not, and care’
MicroSFF

Every plant outside is plotting to turn your body into dirt.
DothTheDoth

A vampire doesn’t produce a reflection in a mirror and whatever creature I am doesn’t register with sensors on automatic sinks and soap dispensers in public bathrooms.
FeralCrone

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– queen whom all bow before
– crime-solving wood witch
SketchesbyBoze

Ay yo what’s up fam, it’s your boy Fortunato, here with a new uncasking vid. My boy Monty says he’s got a hold of something really special, let’s take a look.
TheFattig

Say a word with enough feeling, enough times, and it becomes. An entity – demon, god, spirit? – of that name is born.
Fuck haunted us with snarled annoyance, so we shared pictures of cats, puppies, and otters, until finally, Aww woke with a cute little sneeze. That’ll protect us.
MicroSFF

They did walk into Mordor. I watched that movie and walking is exactly how they arrived in Mordor. They sure as fuck just simply walked into it. I saw.
edotwoods

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical
gonzotrucker

gonna make a game called Murder Simulator but it’s just an RTS where you control a bunch of crows and have them steal french fries and stuff
RainBlackKat

I look up at the night sky.
“That’s a pretty universe, God. You are wearing it well.”
“Thanks,” I hear in a faint whisper, “it has pockets.”
MicroSFF

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

Seen Online

May 22nd, 2018 by Cobwebs

Practice self-care like spiders, hang out in dark places & spend all day preparing a murder net.
DothTheDoth

Here’s a little tip for productivity: Keep your hands in your pockets. Something comes up, you need your hands, boom. There they are.
duchessgoldblat

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
SketchesbyBoze

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
LizHackett

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
boy_from_school

i appreciate that Montresor doesn’t explain shit to the reader about why he’s bricking a dude up behind a wall, just “because fuck this dude, how bout that”
ryandroyd

Always wear your opera gloves when you attend the opera. Also wear your opera goggles. Know the location of the opera safety shower station. Now you are ready to handle that dangerous and corrosive material, the opera
rajandelman

> I propose a hunt, gentlemen. Our quarry: the most ~*dangerous game*~
>> Man?
> What? No, what the fuck, I meant knife-tigers
>> Oh I thought,,
> The fuck, Chauncey ಠ_ಠ
gaileyfrey

Mad respect for the skeletons at the beginning of every major dungeon out there. They know they aren’t boss level bad guys but they still clatter up to you with their swords out like they’re gonna bop you just as hard, true dedication right there
SamuraiCorndog

if, like a dead child ghost in a Scandinavian horror movie, your soul is ever trapped between realms bc your body has not been found, I WILL help find it, but please don’t be scary about it??? just be chill and not pop up suddenly to scream wordlessly at me

write it on my bathroom mirror in steam like “nicole please find my body/solve my murder so I can move over, this is Sigrid Samisdottir, also you look pretty today” and I will absolutely do my level best to free you

I know you are embittered and obsessed and acting out, and the last thing I want is to tone-police a dead ghost child, but honestly I have not the constitution for wordless screaming and cold little dead hands on the back of my neck.

Nicole_Cliffe

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

Seen Online

April 24th, 2018 by Cobwebs

There’s a dead language you can speak to Alexa & she will open you a personal portal to hell.
DothTheDoth

Asked my 2 year old what her fav part of today’s Halloween party was and she pointed at thin air and said, “that ghost”. May move house.
simonpegg

Gandalf standing in front of the Gates of Moria trying to remember a password makes a lot more sense to me now than it did in 1984.
other_shoe

so many people are afraid to speak their truth cus they don’t wanna be “canceled” or whatever but i’ll come right out and say pretzels are just bread bones
jaboukie

The sun is probably the closest thing we’ll ever have to a true Eldritch Abomination. Hear me out here-
* Older than recorded history; was here longer than any of us and will be here long after we leave. Has a finite beginning and end but is still incomprehensibly ancient
* Burns itself into your vision instantly and can blind you if you look for too long
* Further prolonged exposure can cause cancerous growths
* Non-humanoid shape floating through space; colossal flaming tentacles angrily lash out on occasion
* Sort of just appeared one day and is now surrounded by the corpses of its stillborn children
* People used to sacrifice other people to appease it
* Pretty sure it screams at us sometimes
ndiecity

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

ThereWillBeGin

Reading up on the order of animals that contains cockroaches and termites and now my brain has subbed in the word “blattodea” for “Amadeus” in the song “Rock Me, Amadeus.”
scalzi

Hate when SF novels pretend they’re based on a found manuscript and start off with an “academic” saying “yeah we found this in a cave” when any actual academic paper starts with “this proves professor douchebag wrong suck it dave”
quendergeer

Everyone always talks about the 8 spiders you eat in your sleep every year but no one ever talks about the months long trial the spiders hold before sentencing those 8 spiders to that fate.
NeilaK20

Give me a cup of coffee, a house with a horrifying backstory & a ghost to murder me.
DothTheDoth

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

Seen Online

April 10th, 2018 by Cobwebs

I guess you can do gender reveal parties if that’s your thing, but I notice with some disappointment that no one is doing parties to reveal if the baby is evil or not.
SamSykesSwears

priest: you’re never alone my child, the spirit is always with you
me: thanks for the reminder father
*one of the sixteen victorian cholera ghosts that constantly cling to me pats my cheek gently*
spookperson

yes im a girl. yes i wear makeup. no im not wearing the makeup to conceal the terrible prophecy i wrote on my skin so it would survive the trip home from the future. honestly idk why you would even Ask me that
knifehaver

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
aRealLiveGhost

“Be yourself,” they say, and then when you point out that your perfect man is Jareth from Labyrinth crossed with Mr. Rogers, they look at you funny.
HillaryMonahan

Good night
Sleep tight
You are technically a ghost and a skeleton living together inside a meat tuxedo
♡♡♡
gaileyfrey

budget version of lord of the rings wherein gandalf goes to the wall of mordor and yells up at a single orc
“Hey, is Sauron there?”
“Yeah,” the orc shouts back.
“Well, tell him to knock it off!”
And then it is over.
SamSykesSwears

As your goth financial advisor I urge you to invest in a secret staircase. I don’t care where it goes. That’s between you & the staircase.
DothTheDoth

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
ka_waltz

🍀ATTENTION EVERYONE!🍀 ✴️LIMITED TIME OFFER✴️
COME AWAY
O HUMAN CHILD
TO THE WATERS AND THE WILD*
*with a faery, hand in hand**
**some exclusions and limitations apply
‡world may be full of more weeping than you can understand
mstiefvater

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

Seen Online

March 30th, 2018 by Cobwebs

If I were a wizard, I’d have some amazing curses to put on people
like cursing them to say “you too” every time a server says to enjoy your meal
or to remember something embarrassing they did in high school right before they fall asleep
SamSykesSwears

“are you a wine mom or a vodka aunt”
I’m an absinthe dowager
spookperson

We got used to re-animated skeletons. They’re just another minority among many. Here’s one now, looking at lipsticks. My department. “Can I help you-”
It tenses, waiting to see how I address it. Well, I’m no osteopath. Best not assume.
“Honoured One?”
It grins.
MicroSFF

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
aedison

My cask of amontillado brings all the boys to the catacombs
And they’re like, you’re entombing us alive
Damn right, I’m entombing you alive
I could free you
But I’m entombing you alive
living_marble

Things My Dog Does Not Understand About Cats
-why do they vibrate it’s weird
-they are very sharp
-they don’t like dog nose in their butts
-Very Sharp
-is that a good noise or a bad noise? o it’s a bad noise
-VERY SHARP
-change minds easily. it’s ok THEN NOT OK
-S H A R P
ellle_em

Ok, so playing this game is making me think that I really want a game where you play as the Gruff Mentor Figure. Because I identify with them way more than I do the teenage Chosen One.

“Your Chosen One needs to kill monsters. Go catch a monster and wound it and bring it home like a cat with a mouse so your teenager learns to fight monsters.”

“Your Chosen One has been kidnapped. Yes, again. Go break them out.”

“Your Chosen One has questions about her past. Choose from various grim/cryptic dialogue options.”

UrsulaV

Do you guys still have your baby eyeballs from when they fell out?
I traded mine (like a total chump) for a quarter each from the Eyeballs Fairy…
batkaren

You have to have a soul in order to have a soulmate.
I don’t make the rules.
AsgardianRose

ladies, i hope you’re all getting your summer body ready!
Now is the perfect time to shed your unwanted flesh and slither into your new human host, allowing 1 to 2 months for their fragile skin to better fit with ease over your hidden monster form.
_ElizabethMay

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

Seen Online

March 13th, 2018 by Cobwebs

Me: sleep before the monsters get you
7: monsters aren’t real
M: you sound like your brother
7: brother?
M: I’ve said too much already
DaddyJew

Some days you’re Prometheus chained to a rock doomed to have his liver torn out and eaten every day by an eagle, and some days you’re the bird who gets a convenient cliff snack
kendrawcandraw

coffins : the ultimate and final ravioli
egg_dog

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
LizHackett

The name ‘earthworm’ essentially suggests that there are worms from other planets that scientists haven’t told us about
LeBearGirdle

me: look at this mass of crows! thousands of them! an ill omen
ornithologist: actually those are ravens. you can tell by the size of their bodies and the sounds they make
me: oh, so, not an ill omen?
ornithologist: oh no you’re super cursed either way
spacetwinks

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
DothTheDoth

imagining observational comedy in an urban fantasy world
WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH VAMPIRES, AM I RIGHT, YOU’RE NOT SO SPECIAL, WE *ALL* CAN BE KILLED WITH A WOODEN STAKE. I KID I KID, ANYWAY, ANY STITCHED-TOGETHER CORPSE MONSTERS IN THE AUDIENCE? GIVE YOURSELVES A HAND, ANOTHER ONE
vandroidhelsing (Note: This is the first in a thread. The rest are here.)

If you want to be remembered forever, have a destination funeral. Bahamas, swimming with the dolphins. Force your loved ones to watch from the beach as Flipper & friends knock your corpse around like a beach ball.
_ElvishPresley_

There was a pigeon staring at a puddle outside my home for about three hours. And I don’t know if he had nothing better to do or if I just witnessed an omen for a very low-level prophecy.
SamSykesSwears

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

Death is Not an Option

February 23rd, 2018 by Cobwebs

It’s time for another round of Death is Not an Option! The rules, as always, are simple: Given the choice of a pair of characters, you have to decide which one you’d rather sleep with; choosing death instead is not an option. This time it’s all science fiction.

The Star Trek Matchup
Reman   Salt Vampire
Reman vs. Salt Vampire

The Evil Replicant Matchup
T-X   Pris
T-X (Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines) vs. Pris (Blade Runner)

The Doctor Who Matchup
Weeping Angel   Monk
Weeping Angel vs. Monk

The Guys with “Emperor” in Their Title Matchup
Palpatine   Ming
Palpatine (The Empire Strikes Back) vs. Ming the Merciless (Flash Gordon)

The X-Men Matchup
Dr. Xavier   Magneto
Dr. Xavier vs. Magneto

The Badass Heroine Matchup
Trinity   Ripley
Trinity (The Matrix) vs. Ellen Ripley (Alien)

The Charming Rogue Matchup
Mal Reynolds   Han Solo
Mal Reynolds (Firefly) vs. Han Solo (Star Wars)

The Mad Scientists with Bad Hair Matchup
Doc Brown   Emilio Lizardo
Dr. Emmett Brown (Back to the Future) vs. Dr. Emilio Lizardo (Buckaroo Banzai)

The Mad Scientists with Better Hair Matchup
Dr. Horrible   Frank N. Furter
Dr. Horrible (Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog) vs. Dr. Frank N. Furter (The Rocky Horror Picture Show)

The Heroines Named Sarah Matchup
Sarah Manning   Sarah Connor
Sarah Manning(Orphan Black) vs. Sarah Connor (The Terminator)

Leave your choices in the comments. And remember…Death is not an option.

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 4 Comments »

Seen Online

February 14th, 2018 by Cobwebs

me: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg, it’s finally happening
me: *falls over*
girlfriend: the poison is kicking in
coryrichardson_

Our dog Paddy brought our cat Felix into the house this evening and lovingly placed him in front of the fire. Yes, that was such a sweet thing to do…except for the fact that Felix was buried on Tuesday. Hence I am on the wine.
ctallcailin

There’s a door that only ever appears when it rains. It’s only in one spot at any given time in the world. You’ll think your mind is playing tricks on you—it isn’t. It’s real. Find it.
Find me.
thenewfiction

If someone is effortlessly happy in the morning, that’s a demon. You’re talking to a demon.
DothTheDoth

Hello, children, and welcome to Hogwarts.
Let us begin by asking a dead guy’s talking hat how many of you are evil.
jelenawoehr

I want a “Big Brother”-style show featuring famous historical mad scientists, just so I can have the scene where Victor Frankenstein looks at the camera and says “I’m not here to make… FRIENDS.”
scalzi

When there’s an earthquake, coffins become huge underground maracas.
Showerthoughts

There was a storm brewing in the teacup. A tiny kraken, once desiccated in a magic war, woke among the leaves.
Honey calmed it, though.
MicroSFF

Give me a supervillain whose origin story begins with them as a cashier until they eventually snap, you cowards.
giggleboxx3000

Hey gang, Ozymandias here! Thanks as always for looking on my works, and if you liked what you saw don’t forget to click “Despair!”
BrennanLM

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

Seen Online

February 6th, 2018 by Cobwebs

the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters
iamspacegirl

Being an old-timey doctor would rule, just drunk as hell like “yeah u got ghosts in your blood, you should do cocaine about it”
eliyudin

It’s canon that Encyclopedia Brown died grappling with Bugs Meany above Reichenbach Falls.
KenJennings

After conducting massive sleep studies we realized dreams were constant based on date.
Every January 27th was a dream about an unrequited love.
April 19th: Death.
June 10th: Flight.
This discovery was one of the final breakthroughs in realizing our universe was a simulation.
thenewfiction

I scream.
You scream.
We all scream.
This is a support group for banshees.
courtenlow

Before a dental appointment tuck a few small feathers inside your cheeks. When the dentist finds them, start purring.
thewritertype

reasons why skeletons are good:
-always smiling
-everyone has one (egalitarian)
-no meat (cruelty free)
-doing their best
unhaunting

SHOULD I EAT THIS APPLE: A GUIDE
in the following circumstances, do NOT eat the apple
– Snake with legs gave it to you
– Lobbed at you during wedding reception; gold
– Bicolored and offered by old woman bearing striking resemblance to ribbon-and-comb sellers
#folklorethursday
Vengeful_Doe

Tonight at work a creepy dude asked me “what’s your secret to staying so slim and perky?” I responded “I’m a thousand year old witch & every morning I bathe in the blood of men I’ve sacrificed” & an old lady nearby laughed; pretty sure this makes us an official coven
isabelzawtun

Dance like nobody’s watching. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Maintain pike intervals like there’s a maniple of legionaries charging who will close to sword range if you fuck up and give them an opening and then you, and all your battle brothers, are meat for the Roman beast.
MykeCole

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

Seen Online

January 16th, 2018 by Cobwebs

I’m the only one who knows this is a murder mystery dinner
meganamram

[Antiques Roadshow]
Do you see how your shadow turns toward the doll irrespective of the light? She’ll do quite well at auction, but that’s the least of your problems now
suntzufuntzu

HOW TO AVOID A WEREWOLF ATTACK:
1. Do not run. Maintain eye contact.
2. Question their dominance. “Who’s a good boy?”
3. Keep them in suspense. “Who’s a good boy?!”
4. Pop the surprise. “YOU are!”
5. Treats. Hard biscuits tackle bad breath and improve digestive health.
PaintYourDragon

Necromancers are just healers who don’t give up.
Loudwindow

When one door closes, lock it securely, along with all your other doors, before any inspirational quotes get in.
thewritertype

When walking past a bookstore, please do not tap the glass!! You will scare the books and then have to buy them all to comfort them.
PaperFury

If you delete the word “of” from most D&D magic items, it sounds like you’re naming jazz musicians: Boots Elvenkind, Bag Holding, Ray Enfeeblement, etc.
Apparatus the Crab is a 90s alt band though
Diacritic

when bodyguards whisper into their jacket they are telling their pocketworm that she is their best friend
DemiLardner

I Was Transported Into A Fantasy World But Magic And Using A Sword Is Real Hard So I Guess I’m Learning How To Rotate Crops
spacetwinks

People always think it would be cool to be friends with ghosts but probably a lot of those ghosts would be racist
MaraWilson

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

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