The Art of Darkness

Seen Online

August 22nd, 2017 by Cobwebs

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Pundamentalism

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
LizHackett

I don’t have a resting bitch face. My bitch face is always on duty, ever vigilant. My bitch face will rest when its work is done.
awesomonster

if i die on a hill it’s gonna be the bottom of that hill. i’m not climbing up a hill to die
futurecreaturre

*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
LeBearGirdle

As your goth financial advisor I urge you to bury all of your possessions & then on your death bed whisper their location to a stranger.
DothTheDoth

I know that “rainbow bridge” thing people say when a pet dies originated in a poem, but I can’t help but think, “Mittens went to Asgard.”
Jenny_Trout

“Dad where do babies come from?”
“Son, when birds & bees mate, they make us afterward. We’re birdbees, son. Abominations. And we’re hunted.”
Home_Halfway

why did everyone play the recorder in fourth grade what were they training us for
dariatbh

I feel like I missed an amazing opportunity to make my wedding registry be only haunted dolls.
LizHackett

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Seen Online

July 11th, 2017 by Cobwebs

don’t insult bookworms by saying we only care about books. we also love huge country houses with hedge mazes and magical capes.
SketchesbyBoze

My therapist told me “Write letters to the people you hate, and then burn them.” Did that, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters.
LeftOf_Normal

[on my deathbed]
*with my last breath* if only I had named this bed differently
DaddyJew

BELLE: There goes the baker with his tray like always
BAKER: well there goes Belle, singing her DAILY MEAN SONG about us
DanaSchwartzzz

New moon tomorrow night. Plant things that flower in the dark: sweet potatoes, jasmine, curses invoking the forgotten angry dead.
NeolithicSheep

“What this person did was awesome. I hear they were marked by Fate. Is that so?”
“Definitely!” Fate said. “I mark everyone, just in case.”
MicroSFF

Prometheus, Arachne, Icarus — The moral of Greek myths is “Fuck you for trying.”
JenAshleyWright

Someone let me write the movie where a young woman archaeologist in ~1980s faces her greatest challenge: Thesis Advisor Indiana Jones
maxgladstone

The epilogue of Harry Potter should have just been 30 year old Harry forwarding dozens of cat videos to McGonagall like “is this u”
HogwartsLogics

why are there so many Spiderman movies but only two movies about children being murdered in a chocolate factory?
AudreyPorne

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 3 Comments »

Seen Online

June 13th, 2017 by Cobwebs

Welcome to my bed and breakfast. You have the choice of being buried in the attic or basement. Just kidding! The haunted dolls decide.
JRobb773

there is one rat for every person in new york city
if you live in new york city then one day, when you die, your personal rat will appear and lead you to the underworld
kuttithevangu

If I were Belle, there’s no way I could shit in the castle. How do you know that’s a real toilet, not Hank the servent with the scat fetish?
Aimee_B_Loved

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
HMittelmark

During the heat wave look in on elderly relatives and neighbors. If they’ve become avatars of the sun, bow and sing the old hymns again.
MagicWeather

Extroverts get energy from interacting with people; introverts get energy from the blood of an ancient god found beneath the old city
SeeBeeWhitman

Oh sure, we work hard, but we also play hard. And we die hard. Most of us can’t be killed without magic.
BeTheCookie

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
dafloydsta

The boys are back in town. It’s a 17 year cycle. They’ll die off in a few weeks. We’ll sweep millions of boy carcasses out and carry on.
Brockway_LLC

those who make fun of you for reading fairy-tales won’t know how to work the counter-spell when you turn them into geese.
SketchesbyBoze

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Seen Online

May 17th, 2017 by Cobwebs

If I had a time machine I’d go and hide in the future and jump out and scare everyone when they arrive.
thewritertype

The mortal dipped the quill in his blood, and paused. “What do you need souls for, anyway?”
The demon hesitated. “Company. We get lonely.”
MicroSFF

On average, a human will swallow 20 spiders in their sleep, yet no one seems interested in finding out who is putting spiders in your mouth.
SamSykesSwears

Old people that say tattoos are a waste of money: You have entire cabinets dedicated to plates that no one is allowed to use.
PhuckinCody

My body is a temple. It’s full of traps and an ancient, unspeakable curse.
inkhat

Parents aren’t scared of Haunted Hayrides-we’re used to sticky people jumping out of the dark while yelling & poking us with weird objects.
DomesticGoddss

Story about a guy tormented by visions of the dead, but he never notices, because he’s always looking at his phone
timpratt

The Wizard of Oz may not have been a very good wizard, but he was able to make a fully functional 3D hologram with early 1900’s technology.
rShowerThoughts

You know that tattoo you sometimes see of cobwebs on the elbows… What are they trying to say? That they rarely dust their elbows?
tobydavies

Full moon is over. It’s okay. I was vaccinated against it. I don’t change anymore. That’s good.
I’m good.
But sometimes I miss being human.
MicroSFF

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Seen Online

April 25th, 2017 by Cobwebs

The first guy to hear a parrot talk probably was not okay for a few days #Showerthoughts
rShowerThoughts

What are skeletons? Nobody knows. What we do know is they burrow into coffins, eat the body inside, and use the now empty coffin as a shell
egg_dog

I feel bad for these RPG monsters. All those years it took to grow so large! How are we altering the ecosystem when we remove the megafauna?
danctheduck

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
LizHackett

Every time I see a chameleon, I assume they’re on break.
JerryThomas

A SPIDER CRAWLED ON MY HAND & WHEN I SHOOK IT OFF IT LANDED IN AN OPEN BAG OF COOL RANCH DORITOS
DO I BURN IT OR DID I INVENT A NEW FLAVOR
melgillman

you know what’s always bugged me? when a character is faced with some magical two headed being or some shit and one always lies while the other tells the truth and to figure out which is which the character’s like “which one of you is the liar” or something like bruh literally all you gotta do is be like “what’s two plus two” one of them’s gonna say four and the other one is gonna say 83 or some shit. there you go. answered. go on with your magical quest to defeat david bowie.
kurtwagnermorelikekurtwagnerd

BRAM STOKER: I wrote this 64-page story about a vampire
EDITOR: It’s good but can you add 300 pages of vampire hunters tracking a shipment
herealeatwood

The worst part about dinosaurs being extinct is that some of them probably tasted awesome. We’re missing an entire category of meat.
rShowerThoughts

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
normwilner

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 3 Comments »

Seen Online

March 14th, 2017 by Cobwebs

Cactus are the most antisocial plant, they grow in the middle of the desert and still like, “Don’t fucking come near me”. #Showerthoughts
rShowerThoughts

Always a bridesmaid, never the voice that mysteriously bleeds from the corner of your bedroom wall.
gothicaseas

Hodor and Groot on a date trying to order food
biorhythmist

I fry all my mythological creatures in gargoyle.
Yeah yeah, I’m leaving.
E_lok44

me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!
[100 years ago]
witch: fuck this house
malt_skull

Hobbit cozy mysteries could actually be a thing.
LOBELIA GETS THE SACK
MURDER IN THE MATHOM-HOUSE
A SHORTCUT TO MUSHROOM POISONING
scottlynch78

Archaeologists, 300 years from now, excavating my skeleton:
“what’s that thing that she’s holding?”
“That, I believe, is a grudge”
kchurchie

you find a mad libs book on the ground and find that it’s filled completely with proper, sensible words for the situation at hand. a small child in a perfectly tailored gray suit tugs on your shirt with ice-cold hands and politely asks for it back
korolevx

why do i have to be asleep to eat spiders
painted_eel

Horror movies should include bloopers, so after watching the main film you’ll be able to sleep #Showerthoughts
rShowerThoughts

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Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace

February 8th, 2017 by Cobwebs

Sometimes British humor is a little bit meta. And sometimes British humor is a whoooooole bunch meta. And then there’s Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace. It’s a horror parody series about a television show that never ran in the 1980s. The AV Club reviews it, saying:

Purporting to be the lost TV effort of “author, dream weaver, visionary, plus actor” Garth Marenghi (Matthew Holness), the series doesn’t just parody blowhard literary types like the one played by co-creator Holness—it riffs on the entire “brilliant but canceled” myth. The show-within-a-show structure of Darkplace presents a loser’s history of a lost “classic” that was lost for a reason.

It is glorious, and the whole season (plus DVD “extras”) is available on YouTube. Here’s the first episode:

(Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

Seen Online

January 31st, 2017 by Cobwebs

You know, sometimes, late at night, in the dark, I ask myself: Am I REALLY that likely to be eaten by a grue?
scalzi

“Wheeeeee!” – Glenn Danzig, riding an owl around a graveyard
robdelaney

“The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead”
– Bedtime at George R.R. Martin’s house
Mr_Kapowski

If someone dramatically says “don’t ask”, I like to loudly exclaim “phew, you don’t have to tell me twice, I really didn’t care”.
LeLigreLovekill

“Fuck it, just add a werewolf” – the 80’s.
Dawn_M_

When I die, I’d like my remains scattered along the beach.
That said, I do not want to be cremated.
danagould

When one door closes, lock it securely, along with all your other doors, before any inspirational quotes get in.
thewritertype

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
SunshineJarboly

The saddest movies are the ones where the awesome weird girl turns normal and everyone is bizarrely happy about it.
MichaelTrying

Back in my day they taught the five R’s: Reading, ‘Riting, ‘Rithmetic, Rhience, and Rocial Rudies. My teacher was a Hanna-Barbera dog.
therealeatwood

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

Seen Online

December 6th, 2016 by Cobwebs

If I’m ever being followed in a car, I’m gonna go to a fast food drive-thru and test their commitment.
rShowerThoughts

When Frankenstein Jr. was kidnapped, his father cunningly just waited for the kidnappers to send him all the bits.
OhLookBirdies

There’s a foster home for body parts in my neighbourhood and it’s raising a lot of eyebrows.
DurtMcHurtt

A baby werewolf would be great, as one day a month, your baby would turn into a puppy!
ShowerThoughts

People always slam elevator music and that’s very hurtful to those of us who have spent years learning to play the elevator.
Tmoney68

Late at night leave some broken, muddy planks outside an undertakers with a note: “Your puny coffins cannot hold me. I shall return.”
thewritertype

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
badbanana

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
upsidedowntrash

If the movie “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids” took place in Australia, those kids would have died real fucking quick.
rShowerThoughts

“The Monster Mash” is my favorite song about a scientist making excuses to his wife for coming home late and smelling of monster.
rolldiggity

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

Seen Online

October 12th, 2016 by Cobwebs

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
AndyRichter

tie a yellow ribbon ’round the old oak tree – quick – bind it with the old magics before it wakes and turns to us again
mallelis

I saw a blind guy with a full sleeve tattoo and it made me wonder if he’d always been blind. Because that’s a lot of trust.
mimismartypants

Pro tip: “Foolish mortals” is a gender-neutral form of address.
Black_Isis

Now hang on–How are all these bats *getting into* hell in the first place?
dessadarling

Because telescopes work using mirrors, we will never know if space is full of space vampires. #Showerthoughts
rShowerThoughts

Google should do a thing where if you type in “clown sighting” the first result is always “BEHIND YOU” in blood-red.
pattonoswalt

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
_ElvishPresley_

Alright kid I’m gonna kill your whole family and leave you the sole survivor but don’t like, dedicate yourself to revenge about it
[10 years later while hanging off the side of a bridge on fire, about to fall to my doom] man what did I say about this
iscoff

THIS PUB SELLS A BEER CALLED DORIAN GRAY. IT DOES NOT SELL THIS BEER IN PITCHERS. I CANNOT GET A PITCHER OF DORIAN GRAY.
applebamos

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