The Art of Darkness

Seen Online

January 27th, 2015 by Cobwebs

“I prefer to say, ‘I turn into a human when there’s not a full moon.'” -Optimistic werewolf

Zombies love me cause I’ve been marinating my brain in wine for years.

Robert Frost in the streets
Edgar Allan Poe in the sheets.

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton didn’t split up — they just finally got untangled.

WHEN DO WE….wait what?

*Dog President gives a speech on live TV, not realizing one of his ears is turned inside out*

Probably a fun thing to tweet would be “going to meet a guy I met on Craig’s List” and then never tweeting again.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

If I were a skeleton, my only pickup line would be “Wanna bone?” Why try harder?

I never feel guiltier than trying to explain to my dog why she smells another dog on me…

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The Brothers Brimm

January 19th, 2015 by Cobwebs

This short student film is “the story of two escaped demons looking for redemption. Join Waffles and Syrup on the ride of their after lives as they set out on an epic journey through the 9 circles of Hell.”

(via The Presurfer)

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They Make an Excellent Point

January 7th, 2015 by Cobwebs

Recently Mallory Ortberg (one of the editors at The Toast) pointed out on Twitter how fictional characters are always turning down offers that in real life people would probably jump at. This led to a long and entertaining Twitter exchange which makes a strong case for saying, “Queen of the Goblins is a pretty sweet title and that baby was annoying anyway.” I also like her suggested solution to this problem.

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Running The Gammatar

January 5th, 2015 by Cobwebs

‘Running the Gammatar’ is an award-winning indie comedy about a group of self-centered 20-somethings trying to navigate their way through relationships in a city that’s under constant attack from a giant, fire-breathing Japanese monster.

You gotta admit, that’d make dating more interesting.

(via The Presurfer)

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The Worst Muse

December 30th, 2014 by Cobwebs

The Worst Muse (@WorstMuse) is the alter ego of writer Rachel Edidin (@RaeBeta). With the tagline, “No, seriously, go for it. It’ll be a bestseller,” she’s clearly the Muse that Terpsichore and the rest tried to pretend they weren’t related to.

Although to be fair I would read the hell out of a book about werecorgis.

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Seen Online

December 23rd, 2014 by Cobwebs

Technically he was created by Dr. Cookie, that’s why they call him The Cookie Monster.

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

Argghhh just found a spider in my bed, I vaguely remember going to that spider club but…oh god what did I do

May the gargoyle of happiness squat on your buttress.

Throw a surprise party for a psychic and destroy his reputation.

If you think Johnny Depp is sexy, you’re basically attracted to Snoopy’s brother Spike

“Um.” – 1st horse that got ridden


Men like being chased too but not with an axe, apparently.

1. Put on clown shoes.
2. Sit in toilet stall with feet pulled up.
3. Wait for someone to enter other stall.
4. Slowly lower feet to floor

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Beware the Horror of Cutezilla

December 1st, 2014 by Cobwebs

Dissolve is a company that licenses royalty-free stock footage, and occasionally they like to show off their wares with silliness like This Is a Generic Brand Video and Cutezilla:

This needs to be a full-length feature film, like, yesterday.

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Seen Online

November 25th, 2014 by Cobwebs

I like how the first instruction of “stop drop and roll” is “stop.” Like you might have just kept doing what you were doing, but in flames

raccoons are just dogs that have learned witchcraft

periods help you learn how to get blood off of things which is probably why you hear more stories of men caught with murder

For $5 I will go to the funeral of someone you hate and start a slow clap.

if you’re ever feeling lazy just remember that the ancient greeks believed their gods lived on top of a very climbable hill but no one even bothered to check

Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you’re a wizard

A banjo is just a guitar that wants to show you a dead body.

what if the coins you find randomly at the bottom of drawers and in between couch cushions are actually from spiders trying to pay rent

I’m guessing the ‘element of surprise’ is probably arsenic

I also want a vampire movie where everyone hasn’t grown weary of LIFE after a measly 300 years, vampires thrilled by toothbrushes & planes
Like Spikes monologue in season 3 but they feel that way all the time and go to museums and love 3D movies

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“Devil Baby” Prank

November 20th, 2014 by Cobwebs

I’m having a Deep Thought(tm). Bear with me.

A friend pointed me to this video of a prank involving an animatronic “demonic” baby, scooting around in a remote-controlled carriage and startling people. My initial thoughts were: A) That is a remarkably realistic-looking baby, and B) I hope they’ve got lawyers on hand for when a kindly little old lady goes over to coo at the baby and has a massive heart attack.

The next thing that struck me, though, was this: After the initial startle most people just go, “Huh” and keep walking. It seems as though encountering a carriage moving of its own volition and then having a clearly-possessed baby pop up out of it should have more of an impact. Nobody calls the police or even looks around for a priest. It could be that the animatronic doesn’t look as realistic in real life. It could be that this takes place in New York, where they pride themselves on refusing to impressed.* It may also have something to do with the location: Being surrounded by crowds of people might lessen the perceived threat (and also might explain why nobody calls the authorities; they all expect some other bystander will do it).

Regardless of the cause it’s an interesting reaction, and it sort of calls into question the way that crowds react to monsters in horror movies. In the movies, a demonic baby tooling around in a self-propelled carriage would cause widespread panic; in reality it seems that it causes more of a collective shrug. It’s possible that when zombies invade or a doorway to Hell opens up nobody will even notice.

*This is why Cloverfield was so unrealistic. If an actual kaiju showed up in New York everybody would go, “Pfft. I’ve seen bigger” and then studiously ignore it.

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Seen Online

November 5th, 2014 by Cobwebs

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

How much do my dead bfs ashes weigh? Enough to break the ice. I’m Stephanie.

If you think about it, a skeleton is chewing all your food.

Grown ups ask kids, “What do you want to do when you grow up?” because we’re looking for ideas.

SO TIRED of clapping happily when a kid takes more than 1 try to blow out birthday candles. His wish is screwed, why are we ignoring this

To me manslaughter sounds way worse than murder. They should change it to something like murder-whoopsie.

yes we still need feminism
the lack of female serial killers is no accident, women are discouraged from serial killing at a young age

Having a pet in the house is good. You can blame all suspicious sounds on it when your in bed. *BANG* What was that!?…it was just the fish

I wish TV shows were like sports: held a draft & traded actors mid-season. “AMC picks up Peter Dinklage to finish season six as Don Draper.”

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

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