The Art of Darkness

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September 17th, 2019 by Cobwebs

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
GloriaFallon123

Just imagine if giraffe necks started out short and made the lightsaber-on sound when they extended them.
dorsalstream

It’s only fanfic if it’s from the Fanfique region of France. Otherwise it’s just sparkling pornography.
copperbadge

REMEMBER
If you encounter a goth in this hot weather DO NOT PICK THEM UP
Instead, put a couple of drops of patchouli oil in a teaspoon of water and leave a Bauhaus album next to them, and they should recover pretty quickly
Brainmage

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half horse, half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
MelindaHoward4

IS YOUR CHILD TEXTING ABOUT EDGAR ALLAN POE?
WCW = wine cellar wednesday
ILU = I love unnamed (narrators)
TFW = the floorboards? well
IANAL = I am not annabel lee
LOL = lover of lenore
STFU = sadly, the fall (of) usher
OMW = (an) orangutan murdered (the) women
NVM = nevermore
SparkNotes

women are heartily tired of generic compliments. tell your girl “you’ll make a fine crime-solving old lady” and “how many princes have you slain, Baba Yaga” and “time will make corpses of us all and I think that’s hot.”
SketchesbyBoze

ME: So you see dead people?
GHOST THERAPIST: Those with insurance, yes.
dorsalstream

i love coming home at the end of the day and untying the ribbon around my neck that holds my head on
mmilhouse

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Seen Online

July 23rd, 2019 by Cobwebs

There are two wolves inside you. One is Virginia Woolf. The other is Beowulf. You are an Introduction to English Literature syllabus.
osutein

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
AbbieEvansXO

my body is less of a “temple” and more of a rotting 19th century mansion rumored to be haunted by several wicked and vengeful spirits
hexglyphs

LADYHONK.
Ladyhawke, except instead of being a hawk, Michelle Pfeiffer is a furious goose.
hayBEARS (The rest of the thread is pretty great too.)

Have found myself going “oh, there’s a nice piece of furniture” while watching What We Do In The Shadows and also Only Lovers Left Alive recently and I’m slowly coming to the realization that I have the interior decorating sense of a set dresser shopping for a vampire house
BBolander

principal: we called your dad
me: fuck
principal: he didn’t answer
me: oh nice
principal: so we called your grandpa
me: but he’s been dead for years
principal: too bad
me: what’d he say
principal: grandpa’s comin
me: what
*a chill wind blows*
principal: grandpa’s comin
Dustinkcouch

So I bought lemonade from these little girls’ lemonade stand and as I was leaving one of them yelled “You’re welcome for the lemonade and good luck fighting the dragon!” so now I’m slightly concerned about how the rest of my day is going to go
probably-voldemort

Food Network Gothic
• You must beat Bobby Flay. He could be anywhere. Under your bed, in your car, standing right behind your door. He’s biding his time. But when he reveals himself, you Must. Beat. Him.
• The Wontons, long forgotten, haunt your every waking moment. Sometimes you wake up at night to the faint sound of bubbling oil.
• Nobody really leaves Flavor Town.
• Iron Chef. Titanium Chef. Diamond Chef. Carbon Fiber Chef.
• In every dark space, you see the glowing outline of Alton Brown’s grin. You can’t tell what his intentions are.
• The Chairman somersaults through your dreams, cackling.
heckedy-peg

Concept: with the trend toward smaller family sizes in the modern era, certain prognostically significant genealogical configurations have gone from rare to practically nonexistent, to the point that incumbent destinies are increasingly obliged to take what they can get. So it is that our intrepid protagonist, as the only seventh daughter of a seventh daughter for several thousand miles in any direction, finds herself the simultaneous Chosen One of four unrelated and seemingly mutually exclusive prophesies.
prokopetz

[using Ouija board]
“yo Chad, can you hear us?”
*W*
*A*
*A*
*A*
*Z*
*Z*
*Z*
“this is gonna take a while, Chad died in 1999.”
_elvishpresley_

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June 11th, 2019 by Cobwebs

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
elle91

[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
BoogTweets

I’m goth enough to know that if you hear an out-of-tune piano start playing in an abandoned house, you go into that house.
DothTheDoth

I have a deep-seated fear of running water. Or any liquid with legs really.
WheelTod

TEMP AGENCY: Okay, so, based on past work experience, where would you say your strengths lies?
OOMPAH LOOMPAH: I’m good at singing after a child dies, if you have anything with that.
AndrewNadeau0

I love watching horror movies with a dog. I get scared but they’re just like, “hell yeah, bones”
hiyamaya0

a baby grand piano implies the existence of sex organs
TweetPotato314

[Camp]
*stifles a laugh as I put the sleeping Wicked Witch’s hand in a pan of warm water*
OH NO OH SHIT SORRY SORRY
SirEviscerate

Just got back from the mutation lab and boy are my arms legs
Cpin42

Me: *cuts the box in half and spins both sides to show the audience*
[from the back of the wake] “dude”
BoogTweets

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Seen Online

May 28th, 2019 by Cobwebs

let me be clear, when you roll a 20 to seduce the monster, that is not you being so sexy that the monster becomes into you. that is you being so lucky that the monster’s first boyfriend looked a lot like you and they still have a lot of stuff to work out.
ARDMOOD

breast augmentation just means they make them bigger or smaller, it’s never anything cool like a robot eye or a poison dart launcher installed right in the boob
eedrk

Baba Yaga
Scary Yaga
Sporty Yaga
Ginger Yaga
Posh Yaga
GoFrankGo

Kids putting their teeth under their pillows is the most occultist shit in the world. Yes, child, put the discarded bone under your pillow. if you are lucky the tiny demon will come and make her purchase. Sell your bones for riches, my child, your youth will be spent soon.
DanaSchwartzzz

Supervillains announcing their plans is actually a union thing so they can’t be sued for damages someone else may commit at the same time
e-seal

Spiders are goth sewing machines.
stevevsninjas

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
HenpeckedHal

There’s a Wikipedia article of “list of body parts named after people” and it’s great. Awards:
* Most Likely to be a Death Metal Band: Crypts of Lieberkühn
* Most Unfortunate Naming Choice: Sphincter of Oddi
* What Is This, Some Kind Of D&D Thing: Zonule of Zinn
* Hottest Medical Eponym: Apley grind test
* Most Likely To Be What Some Frat Bro Calls His Genitals: Bodansky unit
* Probably Secretly Some Gross Traditional British Food: Clutton’s joints
farbandish

me criticizing fantasy settings in 2007: lmao none of this geography makes sense. and look at these names. this one has four apostrophes in it

me criticizing fantasy settings in 2017: has no one…has no one considered the matter of fishing rights

skeletoncrimes

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May 7th, 2019 by Cobwebs

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Ygrene

Your skeleton is just a gift that time slowly unwraps.
dorsalstream

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
thechrisschmidt

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Prof_Hinkley

My outgoing message on my voicemail is 40 seconds of my dog licking himself. If you want to leave me a voicemail you’re gonna work for it.
jessokfine

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
PleaseBeGneiss

“I see my assassins failed.”
-how I’m going to greet people from now on
Buffalojill

if a ghost picks a fight with you keep your elbows tucked in aim for the soft spots and remember someone already killed that motherfucker once
minkpinkustink

i don’t go in bouncy castles because i’m afraid of bouncy dracula
blainecapatch

When God closes a door, he opens a window, and that’s how all the angel squirrels got in here.
dorsalstream

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March 19th, 2019 by Cobwebs

[to the tune of Alexander Hamilton]

Hwæt Hwæ-Hwæ-Hwæ Hwæ-Hwæ Hwæt!

*violins*

How does a Geat-Wægmunding, Ecgtheow’s son,
fresh from Gotland, dropped in the middle of Heorot under Hrothgar,
star in a tale by a scop on a lyre,
& end up burning on a funeral pyre?

medievaliszt

more vampires should have obsessive weird hobbies
“I’m making a stop motion animated film out of bonsai trees, i’ve been at it since the 70s its 3 minutes long”

“i’ve been breeding parrots purely for intelligence, this is Arnaldo, he can do basic multiplication, he’s my 5th generation african grey”

like you got endless amount of time make weirrrd STUFF

JessiSheron

sir that’s my emotional support decaying portrait that portrays all my sins
classicalxena

My favourite knuckle tat idea is PLAN AHEA
Fenreliania

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
BahuWrites

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
ItsDanSheehan

DM now stands for Dungeon MANAGING. You have no budget and they only promoted you to downsize one of the Truth and Lies door guards (“why do we need TWO,” upper management said). The creature that lies in deep waters wants to talk to you about his performance review.
AnaMardoll

[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
MattTheBrand

Embrace imposter syndrome.
Revel in the fact you have fooled everyone.
You are a Trickster Goddess.
You are the Imposter Child for Deception and Clever Ruses.
EliLizzieLizbet

Hades: babe what’s wrong?
Persephone, drunk, scratching two of cerberus’ heads, weeping: I don’t have enough hands
forever-painting-roses

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March 12th, 2019 by Cobwebs

mother: *holding newborn for first time* awww look at you, you have my eyes.
Father: and my smile
Aragorn: you have my sword
Legolas: and you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Nurse: Can we get Security in here please, theyre back again.
eddytheaxe

While Anubis is weighing your heart, you give a quick squeeze to the squeaky toy you had buried with your body. His expression remains static, but you think you saw his tail wag, just a little bit.
TheDoorTHEDOOR

HOW CAN ONE BELIEVE IN ROMANTIC LOVE WHEN YOUR PARTNER NEVER ONCE GETS TO SEE YOUR WHOLE SKELETON
SICKOFWOLVES

Obi-Wan: If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine*
Obi-Wan: *turns into semi-helpful ghost*
ObsKenobs

NO MORE BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD UNTIL HE FINISHES HIS VEGETABLES
SissyNat

Every time I put my son down for a nap he wakes up evil and I’m starting to regret building his crib over this ancient burial ground.
daddydoubts

The hardest part about painting is getting the eyes right…the way they move, the WAY THEY GROW AND SPIRAL, THE THING THAT HUNGERS RISING WITHIN THEM, TWO DARK WELLS WITHIN WHICH A VOICE SINGS TO YOU A VOICE THAT IS HORRIFYINGLY FAMILIAR…
hottestsingles

so I says to Ernest Hemingway “funny thing; you mention the missus really likes one kind of baby shoes, and what happens? the whole damn family give you them for Christmas. Six pairs, what’s the use in that? You’re a writer, help us out with this eBay listing”
dsquareddigest

life hack: u dont have to be a wolf to yell sad noises at the moon
reallyreallyreallytrying

unpopular fantasy opinion: dragons shit gold. that’s why the lairs are filled with it etc, they don’t collect it they create it. Think about it – do you ever see dragons bringing sacks of gold home?

No, it’s whole cows. Then time passes, then there’s gold.

Not rocket science.

mykola
(Note: The ensuing comment thread is worth a read.)

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January 29th, 2019 by Cobwebs

for the last time: it’s only amontillado if it’s from the montilla region of spain. anywhere else and it’s just a fino. i have some in my basement if you want to educate yourself. come look
soy_person

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

CMGaldre

This season’s color palettes are: the blood of your enemies, the bones of those who stand against you, the wind howling amongst the forgotten tombs of all those who thought you small and weak
hottestsingles

Your eye is a collection of cells that evolved to borrow the radiation from a fiery ball of superheated hydrogen and helium in order to gather information about objects outside your physical reach. Vision is a kind of divination shaped and fueled by a cosmic inferno.
CryptoNature

The moral universe of Charlotte’s Web only makes sense if sentience extends all the way down to spiders and then hits a hard fall-off before flies.

“Eating this pig would be wrong,” Charlotte said, as half a dozen muffled, pleading voices vibrated the web beneath her legs.

ScottWesterfeld

MOVIE IDEA: Jason Voorhees kills a guy, who it turns out is an actual goalie. His team sees Jason, assumes HE’S their team-mate, Jason has a new career. Jason turns out to be really good, so his team starts hiding all the murders he’s committing.
FRIDAY THE 13TH JASON ON ICE
BrianLynch

DM: At bar you see a cloaked, hunched over man. He wears a crown of bone and blade, surrounded by three sentient rings of fire. His arm is made of steel.

Players: who else is in the tavern

DM: uhhhh theres a goblin named Sam Smorkle

Players: I want to talk to Sam Smorkle

beanytuesday

The weatherman just said the roads are treacherous — but just how treacherous are they?
Would they, for example, cruelly blacken your name to your lover in order to curry favour?
eohiggins

*Victorian House Hunters*

HOST: I—

HENRY JAMES: I should like a kitchen whose concept is – how shall I conceive of it – not closed, not in some way occluded, but bright, agape, unrestrained as a verdant Tuscan meadow; open, in so many words

HOST: And that’s the full 22 minutes

BullenRoss

Man, think of how confusing it would’ve been if just the Ghostbusters song was released, no movie.
2tonbug

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December 25th, 2018 by Cobwebs

Well the weather outside is frightful
But inside is equally frightful
No matter which room you go
Full of crows
Full of crows
Full of crows
ChrisHallbeck

why do ghosts and demons respond to fake Latin chanting?
glumshoe
because they don’t speak Latin either
they just go along with it because they have social anxiety
biggest-gaudiest-patronuses

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Reverend_Banjo

ghostbusters are always like who are you gunna call? ghostbusters! but it’s hard enough to call the doctor’s office i’m not gunna call the ghostbusters i’d just live with a ghost in my house forever
who you gunna call? no one i have anxiety
glassesanddreads

I love candles. They let us take an ancient, devouring force of nature that’s older than life and stick it in a little jar on the shelf. A candle is essentially a tiny, adorable pet god.
JarodAnderson

Kid: Santa, what’s the story of your reindeer names?
Santa: Why I name them after memories, like Prancer frolicking through the snow!
Kid: What about Donner?
*a dark countenance settles on Santa’s face*
Santa: the year was 1847, snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada-
Brendelbored

When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he was like ha ha damn, good job, me. Good job at all the successful conquering, Alex. And being very handsome also
cat_beltane

the funniest vampire bullshit will forever be some vampire lamenting having to kill while theyre actively killing and monologuing like “truly, I am the most hated creature in god’s narrowed eye, the new modern prometheus, my purpose an eternal question, my existence a curse. is there a single person, even a fleeting thought, that has ever spent a moment beneath the same moon as I while feeling this unique pain? Pity me, world, for no one now is as miserable as I”

and the dude literally bleeding to death in the vampire’s arms, they never get a line, but if they did, it would probably be “okay now hold up if this is a contest about who’s having the worse fucking night,”

vampireapologist

“Whats UP YOUTUBE! Today we gonna do another Unboxing Video!”
*a shovel in hand, I enter the Graveyard*
crabdominalpain

I wish other holidays had traditions like mistletoe. I want two people standing under a dead bat on Halloween to get cursed together.
malloryomeara

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November 27th, 2018 by Cobwebs

THERAPIST: did you work on communication
1ST CERBERUS HEAD: they won’t share the ball
2ND: i want the ball
3RD: i would also like the ball
MelKassel

Ruined my day by realizing that the song Monster Mash is about a song called the Monster Mash and we’ve never actually heard that song.
ObscureGent

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Dustinkcouch

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22
– Parallel parking my time machine
TweetPotato314

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Rica_Bee

The veil is thin here. It’s thin everywhere. Of course it’s fucking thin. Who ever heard of a thick veil? That shit’s lightweight, even sheer.

Like, shit, Agatha. There’s a reason they don’t call it “the down comforter between worlds”.

glumshoe

Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
psybermonkey

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Megatronic13

me with a tarot deck: i activate the hanged man’s special ability. this lets me draw the devil from my deck into my hand. next, i sacrifice the hanged man in order to summon death. with death on my field, the effect of my tower spell card lets me summon the devil from my hand,
yrgirlkv

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
jessokfine

When one door closes, lock it securely, along with all your other doors, before any inspirational quotes get in.
thewritertype

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