The Art of Darkness

Seen Online

April 14th, 2015 by Cobwebs

He died doing what he loved most: not being dead.

i just saw a 24 hour carwash. If you’re washing your car at 4am you just killed somebody.

what are girls doing when they go to the bathroom together? we’re casting spells

I’d like the backstory on 90% of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

I’m a health goth in the sense that I fantasize about death every time I work out.

everybody’s scared of the dark until they become it

Tomorrow I’m calling a guy who interviewed me 5 years ago asking where I saw myself in 5 years to let him know that I was wrong.

When you have a torch, everything looks like a Frankenstein.
Burgeoning Lads of Science

Did you just say “go east” instead of “turn right,” you pompous little direction shitlord?

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Pearl, the Ascended Squirrel

April 6th, 2015 by Cobwebs

I was going to try and write some kind of summary explaining this whole thing, but the more I think about it, I don’t think it’s possible to explain this whole thing. Best to just let it exist in its own little pocket of weirdness.

Check out the whole channel, featuring gems such as Proper Opossum Psychic Services and Proper Possercising: Prancercise for Possums, as well as the ME Pearl website. And then sit there with your mouth slightly open, wondering what the hell you just watched.

(Hat tip to pdq)

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Disney Death Metal

March 30th, 2015 by Cobwebs

Musician Andy Rehfeldt did this marvelous original arrangement of Mary Poppins singing death metal. It is a thing of beauty.

Apparently metal covers of Disney songs are fairly popular. Aggressive Comix has a roundup.

(via Spooky Moon)

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Seen Online

March 17th, 2015 by Cobwebs

Wind noises
Mess with cat
Get Scrooge to check his shit
Move knick knacks
Gaze at cheeseburger, unable to weep

I just went to Jane Austen third base: making unpleasant eye contact with a handsome man on subway.

My new hobby is sitting outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say “You can see me?”

parenting tip
if you want to avoid the world’s aggressive gendering of your infant, consider skipping the pink dresses or blue coveralls in favor of dressing your baby solely in tiny halloween costumes

strangers on the sidewalk: aww, is it a boy or a girl?

you: uh…it’s pretty clearly a DINOSAUR

My spellchecker just softly and silently corrected “tumblr” to “tumor”. And I thought, WHAT DOES IT KNOW THAT I DO NOT?

“You have my sword.”
“And you have my bow.”
“And my axe!”
“And my humidifier!”
“That’s nice, Murray.”
– The Fellowship of the Ring & Murray

before blaming others, think: whats the 1 constant in all your failed relationships? its that cursed egyptian amulet why do u even have that

Gets tattoo in Sanskrit meaning: “It doesn’t say anything.”

Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered.

I just described Purim to someone as “Jewish Halloween.” Or, Challahween.

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Hermione Granger and the Goddamned Patriarchy

March 9th, 2015 by Cobwebs


Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

Seen Online

March 4th, 2015 by Cobwebs

If I had wings I am confident they would be veiny and leathery and not cute feather ones.

I’d love to hear what would come out of my mouth if someone put a gun to my head and demanded that I commentate a football game

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

there used to be door-to-door knife salesmen, which is roughly the most terrifying thing ever conceived

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

If nobody comes from the future to stop you, how bad can the decision really be?

I don’t call them naps, I call them die practice.

Will this job require me to use my hands because as you can see I have to hold my swords

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

I like to think my rescue dog also rescued me, but mounting evidence suggests he himself committed the arson that fateful night.

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 4 Comments »

Fifty Shades of Buscemi

March 2nd, 2015 by Cobwebs

I’m a sucker for a good recut trailer, and this one amused me.

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 3 Comments »

Unspooky Thursday

February 26th, 2015 by Cobwebs

I’ve had this parked in my Drafts folder since…lessee…October 2012. Huh. It was originally written for an “Urban Legends” guest post-o-rama at Shellhawk’s Nest, but I’d like it to have a home here too. This is, to my eternal shame, a real urban legend local to me. Sigh.

Some places get vanishing hitchhikers. Some get ghosts that warn trains of an impending crash. The terrifying local legend where I live? A guy in a bunny suit.

No, not this kind. Frank
This kind. Bunny

I’ve been ripped off.

Bunny Man Bridge is a small railroad overpass near Clifton, VA. It is supposed to be stalked by a man wearing a bunny suit. Yes, he’s usually said to be carrying an axe or similar weapon, and yes, the legends say that he attacks and mutilates anyone foolish enough to be near the bridge after dark, but I really can’t get past the outfit. Being murdered by someone dressed like a giant rabbit isn’t terrifying, it’s embarrassing.

The bunny in question is variously reported to be an escaped convict, a refugee from a nearby (non-existent) insane asylum, or a local lunatic who graduated from mutilating wildlife to murdering children. Since “rabbit” and “insane murderer” don’t seem to have any obvious link, the lapin connection is usually explained by tacked-on details such as numerous remains of snacked-upon rabbits being found in the area (or, in the case of the asylum escapee, that he was originally committed for murdering his family on–dun dun dun!!!–Easter Sunday). Nobody explains where he got the suit.

A local historian has identified the probable origin of the legend: In 1970 there were two incidents involving a man–dressed, yes, in a bunny costume–who threatened people with a hatchet whilst yelling at them for trespassing. Over the past 40 years, generations of teenagers have expanded and distorted and added details until what was probably a Furry annoyed at having his private sexytimes interrupted is now a horrible spectral murderer who…is still wearing a bunny suit. Dammit, I really can’t get past the bunny suit.

Particularly annoying is that this legend has gained enormous traction throughout the Washington DC area. Civil War battles were fought all over this region. We could have legends about ghostly armies locked in eternal combat, or bloody Confederate soldiers who attack campers, or phantom funeral trains carrying rows of soldiers’ coffins.

What are we actually known for? A big cranky rabbit.

Dammit, dammit, dammit….

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February 19th, 2015 by Cobwebs

Writer and comedian Dana Schwartz is writing the ultimate dystopian young-adult novel, one tweet at a time.

She told Buzzfeed:

Since I read Divergent a few years ago, I became hyperaware of the sort of tropes that have become overused in YA novels

Things like trains, overly simplified first-person narration, and love triangles. I started another parody Twitter account a few months ago @GuyInYourMFA, and I realized how fun it was to skewer overused literary cliches.

So, two nights ago, I decided to do the same thing for YA writing, not really intending it to be a full or cohesive story, more just a collection of random sentences and elements.

But as I wrote and saw the response, I realized it would definitely be more interesting to try to add plot and tell something from start to finish.

The feed is @DystopianYA; her main Twitter account is @DanaSchwartzzz.

I can’t wait for this to be made into a blockbuster movie.

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

Beethoven’s Imperial March

February 16th, 2015 by Cobwebs

Richard Grayson is a composer and pianist who is known for improvising classical music. In a concert in 2009 he received a request from the audience to do Darth Vader’s theme in the style of Beethoven.


Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

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