The Art of Darkness

Seen Online

April 28th, 2016 by Cobwebs

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

kids have you applied the minty paste to the exposed part of your skeleton? yes? well now it is time to lie down in a dark room for hours

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and then get the fuck outta there.

what if an ouija board was like an afterlife call center
“hey joey, line 396 is open. three teenagers in the dark want to talk to some ghost or something”
“i’m gonna prank them so hard”
“joey no”
“im gonna say i’m satan”

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

You never hear about a new ghost. “Oh yeah, this place is haunted since Jeff died last Tuesday.”

TEACHER: We caught your child playing doctor with another student
ME: Thats natur-
TEACHER: He was trepanning her.

thats me in the corner that’s me in the spotlight why’s this spotlight in the corner
clearly I’m trying to avoid the spotlight that’s why I’m in the corner

can’t wait til i’m a ghost and a dude with a tape recorder asks if there’s anything i’d like to communicate and i get to go “no thank you”

if your grave doesnt say “rest in peace” on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war

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April 18th, 2016 by Cobwebs

“A struggling young actor begins to see disturbing visions of the immediate future.”

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New Greek Gods

April 5th, 2016 by Cobwebs

The hashtag #NewGreekGods showed up on Twitter yesterday, and although there were many worthy suggestions, Tree Lobsters! took the idea and ran with it. Here’s a sampling:

You can read others in Tree Lobsters! feed, or at the hashtag. (And if you don’t read the Tree Lobsters! webcomic, you really should.)

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Heavy Metal Drums Make Everything Better

April 4th, 2016 by Cobwebs

Joey Muha is a skilled, enthusiastic drummer whose mission seems to be to prove to the world that any song lends itself to the heavy metal treatment. Here he is doing “I’m a Little Teapot.”

His YouTube channel has loads of others, ranging from the “Gilligan’s Island” theme song to “You Are My Sunshine.”

(via BoingBoing)

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Seen Online

March 31st, 2016 by Cobwebs

Priest: Do your children understand that we all answer to a higher power?
Me: They know all about Dumbledore.

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

NATURE FACTS: Nature will kill you and then make new things from you.

I want a lady in the street & a lady in the sheets. I want one lady covering the exits, one watching the car park, and one sniping from the grassy knoll.

CAT VAMPIRE: let me in!
ME: ok
CAT VAMPIRE: you fool! now I will suck your bl-
ME: *closes door*
CAT VAMPIRE: let me out

Take me down to the paradise city,
Where the grass is green,
And other stuff is also the colour you would normally expect it to be,

I regard a ringing phone in much the same way as one might regard a coffee cup filled with millipedes.

Don’t you hate it when time travelers from the future want a photo with you but then refuse to say why they’re laughing?

LADIES take your shirts off and tell anyone who asks you are breastfeeding a ghost

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The Evil Overlord List

March 24th, 2016 by Cobwebs

Gather ’round, kids, as your Old Auntie Cobwebs shares another pointless reminiscence about the early days of the world wide web.

Long before there was TVTropes there was Peter’s Evil Overlord List, a list of ways that a successful evil overlord could overcome the plot cliches that might threaten his rule. Here’s the first 10:

  1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
  2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
  3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
  4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
  5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
  6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.
  7. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say “No.”
  8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
  9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”. The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
  10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

Peter Anspach began compiling the list in 1994, and after his top 100 suggestions were augmented by user submissions he eventually collected those in Dungeon A and Dungeon B.

Although some of the advice may seem a trifle outdated today (“Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45MB in size,” is only funny if you remember that floppy disks had a maximum capacity of 1.44MB), the list remains a classic of Evil Overlord Competency.

I was reminded of the list when Charlie Stross mentioned it in his taxonomy of Space Opera cliches, and was pleased to learn that several similar guides have sprung up since Anspach created his humble list. TVTropes has a whole section of Additional Evil Overlord Vows, and their Evil Empress Guide (“Sex is certainly a weapon at my disposal, but then so is a blaster. If it is not clear which weapon I should be using, I will opt for the blaster.”) and The Very Complete, Very Extended, Printer Friendly, Evil Overlord List (plus other evil stuff) which includes helpful tips for henchmen (“When you have someone at gunpoint and that person says ‘you haven’t got the guts to kill me,’ disprove his/her hypothesis.”), evil cultists (“Never invoke anything bigger than your head.”), and vows every Starfleet captain should take (“I will design my ship’s tactical systems so that I do not have to personally direct every single shot fired.”).

These lists are actually useful for aspiring writers, since they help you avoid the very cliches they lampoon. It’s also fun to use them to play Bad Movie Bingo: See how many of them you can check off in one sitting.

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Seen Online

March 9th, 2016 by Cobwebs

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

Witches have black cats because if they had white cats they would have white cat hair all over their clothes.

What if death gives you lemons?

Persephone is the goddess of flowers and is adorable and smart and she probably only wears pastels and at the same time she’s the queen of hell and if that’s not life goals I don’t know what is

I wonder if Medusa uses one big pillow or a whole bunch of little ones.

If wishes were horses, there’d never again be uncertainty over whether or not someone blew out all his birthday candles with a single breath

[phone sex with a psychic] “Tell me what I’m wearing.”

So disappointed in science journalism for writing about “zombie bees” while ignoring The World’s Most Obvious Portmanteau

Surely all exorcisms are non-consensual. Unless you have a really lonely demon who just wants to go home.

[walking by Goth kids dressed in black]
3-year-old: I can see them.
Me: I can, too.
3: They’re bad ninjas.



a little girl who grows up thinking all doors are automatic but actually she’s haunted by a really polite ghost

So chivalry IS dead?!

you win best response to this post

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Rise of the Kitchen Appliances

March 7th, 2016 by Cobwebs

“The appliances of bachelor Steve Fleegman have had enough. Too much pizza, too much mess, just too much. The appliances will now finally fight back against their abusive human master.”

Emo Philips voices the blender and Kipleigh Brown is the dishwasher, which makes this weird little gem particularly amusing.

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February 24th, 2016 by Cobwebs

Erma is “like any other normal child. She goes to school, plays with friends, and even spends time with the family.” She also happens to be the daughter of a yūrei-type ghost, so that affects her appearance and behavior just a tad. Her father appears to be a normal human, but he seems fairly sanguine about his ghostly wife and daughter.

The ‘toon, by Brandon Santiago, follows Erma’s adventures with her school chums, babysitter, and parents. It has a rather sweet, Addams Family-esque vibe, and I like how so many “normal” people in her life (like her pediatrician) just kind of roll with her peculiarities.

I think this recent strip is my favorite:


The whole series is online at Tapstasic.

(Hat tip to xJane)

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Hell No – The Sensible Horror Film

February 22nd, 2016 by Cobwebs

I would swear I’d linked to this before, but a look through my archive comes up empty so I blame the elves.

This short film illustrates the truism that most horror movies would be about five minutes long if all of the characters behaved sensibly.

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