The Art of Darkness

Seen Online

November 18th, 2015 by Cobwebs

If I were Neil Armstrong, on my deathbed I would have whispered “We weren’t the first” as my last dying breath.

Ladybug on the streets, praying mantis in the sheets.

5-year-old: Why does Mom always wrap a towel around her hair after she showers?
Me: She’s hiding Lord Voldemort on the back of her head.

If you ask a dog if he’s a good boy, legally he has to tell you.

[makes a voodoo doll of himself]
[gives it a little back rub]

If I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death, I wouldn’t be saying “Yay!”

Actually, something wicked has already arrived.

I see the afterlife as nothing more than the promise of pantsing the non-departed.

Really? A fucking salad??
– Julius Caesar coming back to life

“I’m tired because my cat kept waking me up all night for cuddles,” he said probably-not-surviving-too-long-into-the-zombie-apocalypsely.

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Seen Online

October 14th, 2015 by Cobwebs

I once murdered a man by pushing him into a comic book store and yelling, “He thinks Darth Vader would beat Batman.”

Bit of an oversell, “dragonflies.”

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

If you go out for American food in Mexico does a grunge band come up and loudly play at your table?

How did people first figure out that it was cicadas that make this noise? I could see that taking a long time.
Were there just like a thousand years where people were like “yeah, the trees are screaming. They do that in the summer.”

My doctor says that one day I will be able to eat baba ghanoush without singing “Baba ghanoush (snap snap)” to the Addams Family theme.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me ten times, congrats! You filled the punch-card! This shame is on the house!

Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I’m the jerk.

Books are just dead, tattooed trees.

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

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Seen Online

September 2nd, 2015 by Cobwebs

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

Lighten the mood at funerals by handing a wooden stake to the person next to you and whispering, “He was a vampire. You know what to do.”

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

I feel quite sinister when I buy a houseplant. “Welcome to my home. I will kill you. It’s just a matter of when”.

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

Bug in iPhone5 – predictive text controlled by the soul of the Chinese worker who committed suicide making it. How very help me I’m in hell.

Every poodle is fairly positive that it’s Marie Antoinette

Cool Curse Idea: Every time your enemy talks, a bunch of jelly beans fall out of his mouth.

I just spent a lot of time thinking about a Weird Science reboot where Gabourey Sidibe and Rebel Wilson accidentally create Channing Tatum



can’t you imagine it though?

ginny’s going through a questioning phase and her older brothers keep making sex jokes so she writes in her diary “what’s a clitoris?” and tom’s on the other side like “i am a dark lord but i have a duty to this poor girl”

are you trying to insinuate that Voldemort gave Ginny Weasley the sex talk

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Bad Halloween Jokes

August 25th, 2015 by Cobwebs

Last week when I posted about the Halloween version of Christmas crackers, I mentioned the fact that the crackers traditionally include jokes. Several enthusiastic commenters replied that they couldn’t be just any jokes, they had to be really, really bad jokes. Intrepid commenter KJ asked, “There must be some great Halloween jokes to use. What are the chances of a cringe-worthy Halloween joke post?”

Ask and ye shall receive. (This oughta teach you not to ask.)

What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
Because you can see right through them!

What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?

Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath.

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
Ice Scream.

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
“Do you believe in people?”

Why can’t ghosts have babies?
All the boys have Hollow weenies.

How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes.

Why don’t mummies take vacations?
They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.

When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone.

Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.

What do you call two spiders who just got married?

What kind of ghosts haunt chicken coops?

Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?
Have you ever tried to iron a monster?

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?

What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand-witch.

Why couldn’t the ghost see its mom and dad?
Because they were trans-parents!

Which monster is the best dancer?
The boogey-man!

What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!

What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon?
A sour-puss.

Why was the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher.

How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.

What do you call dead cows that come back to life?

What goes “Ha-ha-ha . . . THUD!”
A monster laughing his head off

Why wouldn’t the skeleton cross the road?
He didn’t have the guts

Got any others? Leave ’em in the comments!

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Caption This

August 19th, 2015 by Cobwebs

Caption This

Long ago, an SF blog I ran had a monthly “caption this” contest: We’d post a screen grab from a (usually cheesy) movie and invite commenters to invent their own captions. This publicity still from the 1959 version of The House on Haunted Hill seems like a good candidate for such treatment; I love how stiltedly-posed it looks.

I will turn it over to your tender mercies: If you have a good caption, post it in the comments!

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Grand Zero

August 17th, 2015 by Cobwebs

In this short horror comedy, a man returns to his hometown to discover that he’s the last person who’s not part of a huge network marketing pyramid scheme that is definitely not Amway. Can he rescue his wife and daughter from the clutches of the sinister corporation?

(via Laughing Squid)

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Polly Wanna Headbang?

August 3rd, 2015 by Cobwebs

Hatebeak LogoNovelty albums featuring animals are nothing new, but I have to admit that grindcore band Hatebeak–whose vocalist is a parrot named Waldo–takes novelty to a whole ‘nother level.

Waldo, along with humans Blake Harrison (from Pig Destroyer) and Mark Sloan (from The Index), formed the band in 2004. They released a couple of singles (one of which, “Bird Seeds of Vengeance,” was a collaboration with Caninus, a band which featured two pit bulls as singers. I swear I am not making any of this up) but broke up in 2009 without ever releasing a full-length album of their own.

That’s all about to change, baby. Hatebeak is back and has just released “The Number of the Beak,” featuring tracks with titles like “Roost in Peace” and “Hellbent for Feathers.” And I swear I am still not making any of this up.

Sadly, if you’re hoping for a tour you’re going to be disappointed. In an interview with Consequence of Sound, Blake Harrison informed us that Waldo isn’t up for live performances:

Parrots like doing this stuff—the mimicry is kind of like a form of play, so it’s more like they have to be in a relaxed…playful mood. You know the sound of your smoke detector when the battery is low? And it’s like a really loud chirp? He will do that when he’s uncomfortable.

The bird really shouldn’t and probably couldn’t–I don’t want PETA after me for subjecting a bird to like 120 decibels of distorted guitars. And you know, it’s kind of more of like a fun thing. Playing live would be a pain in the ass, and if it’s not fun I don’t know if I would necessarily want to do it.

Hatebeak’s album is available on Soundcloud and can be purchased on vinyl (still not making any of this up) on Amazon. Their previous discography is here.

To whet your appetite, here’s Waldo performing “Seven Perches.”

(via Neatorama)

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Seen Online

July 22nd, 2015 by Cobwebs

I can’t begin to imagine how much pressure there must be within the skeleton community to know how to play the xylophone

When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.

Right now, there are millions of formally dressed skeletons in our ground.

If you were at a party with a vampire and drew on his face, he would never find out.

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop ass, that means someone out there is canning whoop ass…I’d be more afraid of that second guy.

The 1840’s called. Mostly ghosts.

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

what if the spider I killed in my home has spent his entire life thinking he was my room-mate and that suddenly I had some sort of psychotic break

A heart shape with initials cut into the tree bark means someone went on a date with a knife.



Did you know that you actually can never forget a face? Every single face you’ve ever seen during your life gets stored into your memories, and gets used up later. For example, in dreams your brain can’t just make up a face. Every single face you’ve seen in your dream, you’ve seen somewhere once in your life.

And those strange nightmares you’ve had of those terrible demon like creatures?

You’ve seen them around too, you just cant remember. You don’t want to remember.

this post started off as a John Green novel and ended as a Stephen King.

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Dawn of the…Everything

July 20th, 2015 by Cobwebs

This faux trailer for the movie Dawn of the Planet of the Zombies and the Killer Plants on Some Serious Acid definitely looks like the next summer blockbuster.

(via The Presurfer)

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Office Kingdom

July 13th, 2015 by Cobwebs

This short film reveals the truth about those bored-looking agents at bureaucratic offices: They’re actually fantasy warriors who must quest for the all-important approval stamp.

(via io9)

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