The Art of Darkness

Seen Online

September 2nd, 2015 by Cobwebs

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
ShesARealGenius

Lighten the mood at funerals by handing a wooden stake to the person next to you and whispering, “He was a vampire. You know what to do.”
WhirledRecord

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
heymonroe

I feel quite sinister when I buy a houseplant. “Welcome to my home. I will kill you. It’s just a matter of when”.
liz_buckley

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
dru0887

Bug in iPhone5 – predictive text controlled by the soul of the Chinese worker who committed suicide making it. How very help me I’m in hell.
frankieboyle

Every poodle is fairly positive that it’s Marie Antoinette
DanaSchwartzzz

Cool Curse Idea: Every time your enemy talks, a bunch of jelly beans fall out of his mouth.
rolldiggity

I just spent a lot of time thinking about a Weird Science reboot where Gabourey Sidibe and Rebel Wilson accidentally create Channing Tatum
Sedna_51

falling-in-love-with-fandoms:

highfunctioningdarklordofall:

can’t you imagine it though?

ginny’s going through a questioning phase and her older brothers keep making sex jokes so she writes in her diary “what’s a clitoris?” and tom’s on the other side like “i am a dark lord but i have a duty to this poor girl”

are you trying to insinuate that Voldemort gave Ginny Weasley the sex talk

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Bad Halloween Jokes

August 25th, 2015 by Cobwebs

Last week when I posted about the Halloween version of Christmas crackers, I mentioned the fact that the crackers traditionally include jokes. Several enthusiastic commenters replied that they couldn’t be just any jokes, they had to be really, really bad jokes. Intrepid commenter KJ asked, “There must be some great Halloween jokes to use. What are the chances of a cringe-worthy Halloween joke post?”

Ask and ye shall receive. (This oughta teach you not to ask.)

What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?
Spelling.

Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
Because you can see right through them!

What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
Nectarines

Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath.

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
Ice Scream.

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
“Do you believe in people?”

Why can’t ghosts have babies?
All the boys have Hollow weenies.

How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes.

Why don’t mummies take vacations?
They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.

When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone.

Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.

What do you call two spiders who just got married?
Newlywebbed.

What kind of ghosts haunt chicken coops?
Poultry-geists.

Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?
Have you ever tried to iron a monster?

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Wrap.

What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand-witch.

Why couldn’t the ghost see its mom and dad?
Because they were trans-parents!

Which monster is the best dancer?
The boogey-man!

What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!

What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon?
A sour-puss.

Why was the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher.

How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.

What do you call dead cows that come back to life?
Zombeef.

What goes “Ha-ha-ha . . . THUD!”
A monster laughing his head off

Why wouldn’t the skeleton cross the road?
He didn’t have the guts

Got any others? Leave ’em in the comments!

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 4 Comments »

Caption This

August 19th, 2015 by Cobwebs

Caption This

Long ago, an SF blog I ran had a monthly “caption this” contest: We’d post a screen grab from a (usually cheesy) movie and invite commenters to invent their own captions. This publicity still from the 1959 version of The House on Haunted Hill seems like a good candidate for such treatment; I love how stiltedly-posed it looks.

I will turn it over to your tender mercies: If you have a good caption, post it in the comments!

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 5 Comments »

Grand Zero

August 17th, 2015 by Cobwebs

In this short horror comedy, a man returns to his hometown to discover that he’s the last person who’s not part of a huge network marketing pyramid scheme that is definitely not Amway. Can he rescue his wife and daughter from the clutches of the sinister corporation?

(via Laughing Squid)

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

Polly Wanna Headbang?

August 3rd, 2015 by Cobwebs

Hatebeak LogoNovelty albums featuring animals are nothing new, but I have to admit that grindcore band Hatebeak–whose vocalist is a parrot named Waldo–takes novelty to a whole ‘nother level.

Waldo, along with humans Blake Harrison (from Pig Destroyer) and Mark Sloan (from The Index), formed the band in 2004. They released a couple of singles (one of which, “Bird Seeds of Vengeance,” was a collaboration with Caninus, a band which featured two pit bulls as singers. I swear I am not making any of this up) but broke up in 2009 without ever releasing a full-length album of their own.

That’s all about to change, baby. Hatebeak is back and has just released “The Number of the Beak,” featuring tracks with titles like “Roost in Peace” and “Hellbent for Feathers.” And I swear I am still not making any of this up.

Sadly, if you’re hoping for a tour you’re going to be disappointed. In an interview with Consequence of Sound, Blake Harrison informed us that Waldo isn’t up for live performances:

Parrots like doing this stuff—the mimicry is kind of like a form of play, so it’s more like they have to be in a relaxed…playful mood. You know the sound of your smoke detector when the battery is low? And it’s like a really loud chirp? He will do that when he’s uncomfortable.

The bird really shouldn’t and probably couldn’t–I don’t want PETA after me for subjecting a bird to like 120 decibels of distorted guitars. And you know, it’s kind of more of like a fun thing. Playing live would be a pain in the ass, and if it’s not fun I don’t know if I would necessarily want to do it.

Hatebeak’s album is available on Soundcloud and can be purchased on vinyl (still not making any of this up) on Amazon. Their previous discography is here.

To whet your appetite, here’s Waldo performing “Seven Perches.”

(via Neatorama)

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 3 Comments »

Seen Online

July 22nd, 2015 by Cobwebs

I can’t begin to imagine how much pressure there must be within the skeleton community to know how to play the xylophone
bridger_w

When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
Sassafrantz

Right now, there are millions of formally dressed skeletons in our ground.
icandodge

If you were at a party with a vampire and drew on his face, he would never find out.
jfader2

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
behindyourback

If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop ass, that means someone out there is canning whoop ass…I’d be more afraid of that second guy.
ChrisTaliaferro

The 1840’s called. Mostly ghosts.
david8hughes

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
undeadmolly

what if the spider I killed in my home has spent his entire life thinking he was my room-mate and that suddenly I had some sort of psychotic break
TheGamingDame

A heart shape with initials cut into the tree bark means someone went on a date with a knife.
ashley76

benedictcumberreichenbach:

ninepulse:

Did you know that you actually can never forget a face? Every single face you’ve ever seen during your life gets stored into your memories, and gets used up later. For example, in dreams your brain can’t just make up a face. Every single face you’ve seen in your dream, you’ve seen somewhere once in your life.

And those strange nightmares you’ve had of those terrible demon like creatures?

You’ve seen them around too, you just cant remember. You don’t want to remember.

this post started off as a John Green novel and ended as a Stephen King.

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

Dawn of the…Everything

July 20th, 2015 by Cobwebs

This faux trailer for the movie Dawn of the Planet of the Zombies and the Killer Plants on Some Serious Acid definitely looks like the next summer blockbuster.

(via The Presurfer)

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Office Kingdom

July 13th, 2015 by Cobwebs

This short film reveals the truth about those bored-looking agents at bureaucratic offices: They’re actually fantasy warriors who must quest for the all-important approval stamp.

(via io9)

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Corrupt-a-Wish

July 2nd, 2015 by Cobwebs

There’s a fun thread over on BoingBoing where everyone is playing Corrupt-a-Wish:

The rules are simple:

I make a wish, and the next person to post finds an ironic way to derive bad consequences from granting the wish, or to otherwise tag a downside to it, and so on and so forth.

Example:

Person 1:
i wish i had a Corvette

Person 2:
granted. you got it real cheap because it was crushed under a giant anvil.
i wish i was the most attractive person in the world

Person 3:
granted. you are the most attractive person in the world, and both sexes now want your body.
i wish i had a big, juicy steak.

Person 4:
granted. how’s your diet going?
i wish i was invulnerable to every kind of harm.

…and so on, with the next person thinking up a Monkey’s Paw-like twist to the previous person’s wish, then making a wish of their own. It sounds like it’d be fun to play with friends, either in person or on a Facebook or blog thread. If my commentariat wants to come out of the woodwork, we can try it here as well.

I’ll start: I wish I had the power to read other peoples’ minds, but only when I chose to do so.

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 10 Comments »

Seen Online

June 25th, 2015 by Cobwebs

Live each day as if it were your last, ’cause I’m gonna kill you but I’m not super-good w/schedules
josswhedon

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
OtherDanOBrien

I’m not saying you’re easy…
But it takes Tim Burton more effort to get Johnny Depp in a movie of his.
revious

missed connection:
I walked by you carrying a cage full of bats in birthday hats. You pretended not to see us. What is your home address,
audipenny

I’d actually be more offended if I got to hell and there WEREN’T a special place for me there.
TravLeBlanc

All of the creepy ghosts in my house live in the 5 yards of hallway between my bathroom to my bedroom.
DanaSchwartzzz

A friend borrowed my Sandman books to read during chemo. My ankh-wearing, goth daughter offered to retrieve them. Bad idea? @neilhimself
stjimtownsend

I’ve always wondered. When retailers say “PRODUCT X AT UNHEARD OF PRICES!”, do they make up an entirely new number system? Or just not talk?
“I WILL SELL THIS SUIT TO YOU AT FRUMTHRUBBLE STERBILJOTES, MY GOOD SIR!”
“…”
“FINE, HERFNURT STERBILJOTES. A HARD BARGAIN INDEED.”
ChrisWarcraft

No thanks Ouija boards, I don’t even want to talk to the living.
Lerky

I want to see a Miyazaki Hentai – like, there’s tentacles, but they’re respectful and just do chores. #honor
josswhedon

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