The Art of Darkness

Seen Online

May 17th, 2017 by Cobwebs

If I had a time machine I’d go and hide in the future and jump out and scare everyone when they arrive.
thewritertype

The mortal dipped the quill in his blood, and paused. “What do you need souls for, anyway?”
The demon hesitated. “Company. We get lonely.”
MicroSFF

On average, a human will swallow 20 spiders in their sleep, yet no one seems interested in finding out who is putting spiders in your mouth.
SamSykesSwears

Old people that say tattoos are a waste of money: You have entire cabinets dedicated to plates that no one is allowed to use.
PhuckinCody

My body is a temple. It’s full of traps and an ancient, unspeakable curse.
inkhat

Parents aren’t scared of Haunted Hayrides-we’re used to sticky people jumping out of the dark while yelling & poking us with weird objects.
DomesticGoddss

Story about a guy tormented by visions of the dead, but he never notices, because he’s always looking at his phone
timpratt

The Wizard of Oz may not have been a very good wizard, but he was able to make a fully functional 3D hologram with early 1900’s technology.
rShowerThoughts

You know that tattoo you sometimes see of cobwebs on the elbows… What are they trying to say? That they rarely dust their elbows?
tobydavies

Full moon is over. It’s okay. I was vaccinated against it. I don’t change anymore. That’s good.
I’m good.
But sometimes I miss being human.
MicroSFF

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Seen Online

April 25th, 2017 by Cobwebs

The first guy to hear a parrot talk probably was not okay for a few days #Showerthoughts
rShowerThoughts

What are skeletons? Nobody knows. What we do know is they burrow into coffins, eat the body inside, and use the now empty coffin as a shell
egg_dog

I feel bad for these RPG monsters. All those years it took to grow so large! How are we altering the ecosystem when we remove the megafauna?
danctheduck

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
LizHackett

Every time I see a chameleon, I assume they’re on break.
JerryThomas

A SPIDER CRAWLED ON MY HAND & WHEN I SHOOK IT OFF IT LANDED IN AN OPEN BAG OF COOL RANCH DORITOS
DO I BURN IT OR DID I INVENT A NEW FLAVOR
melgillman

you know what’s always bugged me? when a character is faced with some magical two headed being or some shit and one always lies while the other tells the truth and to figure out which is which the character’s like “which one of you is the liar” or something like bruh literally all you gotta do is be like “what’s two plus two” one of them’s gonna say four and the other one is gonna say 83 or some shit. there you go. answered. go on with your magical quest to defeat david bowie.
kurtwagnermorelikekurtwagnerd

BRAM STOKER: I wrote this 64-page story about a vampire
EDITOR: It’s good but can you add 300 pages of vampire hunters tracking a shipment
herealeatwood

The worst part about dinosaurs being extinct is that some of them probably tasted awesome. We’re missing an entire category of meat.
rShowerThoughts

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
normwilner

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 3 Comments »

Seen Online

March 14th, 2017 by Cobwebs

Cactus are the most antisocial plant, they grow in the middle of the desert and still like, “Don’t fucking come near me”. #Showerthoughts
rShowerThoughts

Always a bridesmaid, never the voice that mysteriously bleeds from the corner of your bedroom wall.
gothicaseas

Hodor and Groot on a date trying to order food
biorhythmist

I fry all my mythological creatures in gargoyle.
Yeah yeah, I’m leaving.
E_lok44

me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!
[100 years ago]
witch: fuck this house
malt_skull

Hobbit cozy mysteries could actually be a thing.
LOBELIA GETS THE SACK
MURDER IN THE MATHOM-HOUSE
A SHORTCUT TO MUSHROOM POISONING
scottlynch78

Archaeologists, 300 years from now, excavating my skeleton:
“what’s that thing that she’s holding?”
“That, I believe, is a grudge”
kchurchie

you find a mad libs book on the ground and find that it’s filled completely with proper, sensible words for the situation at hand. a small child in a perfectly tailored gray suit tugs on your shirt with ice-cold hands and politely asks for it back
korolevx

why do i have to be asleep to eat spiders
painted_eel

Horror movies should include bloopers, so after watching the main film you’ll be able to sleep #Showerthoughts
rShowerThoughts

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace

February 8th, 2017 by Cobwebs

Sometimes British humor is a little bit meta. And sometimes British humor is a whoooooole bunch meta. And then there’s Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace. It’s a horror parody series about a television show that never ran in the 1980s. The AV Club reviews it, saying:

Purporting to be the lost TV effort of “author, dream weaver, visionary, plus actor” Garth Marenghi (Matthew Holness), the series doesn’t just parody blowhard literary types like the one played by co-creator Holness—it riffs on the entire “brilliant but canceled” myth. The show-within-a-show structure of Darkplace presents a loser’s history of a lost “classic” that was lost for a reason.

It is glorious, and the whole season (plus DVD “extras”) is available on YouTube. Here’s the first episode:

(Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

Seen Online

January 31st, 2017 by Cobwebs

You know, sometimes, late at night, in the dark, I ask myself: Am I REALLY that likely to be eaten by a grue?
scalzi

“Wheeeeee!” – Glenn Danzig, riding an owl around a graveyard
robdelaney

“The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead”
– Bedtime at George R.R. Martin’s house
Mr_Kapowski

If someone dramatically says “don’t ask”, I like to loudly exclaim “phew, you don’t have to tell me twice, I really didn’t care”.
LeLigreLovekill

“Fuck it, just add a werewolf” – the 80’s.
Dawn_M_

When I die, I’d like my remains scattered along the beach.
That said, I do not want to be cremated.
danagould

When one door closes, lock it securely, along with all your other doors, before any inspirational quotes get in.
thewritertype

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
SunshineJarboly

The saddest movies are the ones where the awesome weird girl turns normal and everyone is bizarrely happy about it.
MichaelTrying

Back in my day they taught the five R’s: Reading, ‘Riting, ‘Rithmetic, Rhience, and Rocial Rudies. My teacher was a Hanna-Barbera dog.
therealeatwood

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

Seen Online

December 6th, 2016 by Cobwebs

If I’m ever being followed in a car, I’m gonna go to a fast food drive-thru and test their commitment.
rShowerThoughts

When Frankenstein Jr. was kidnapped, his father cunningly just waited for the kidnappers to send him all the bits.
OhLookBirdies

There’s a foster home for body parts in my neighbourhood and it’s raising a lot of eyebrows.
DurtMcHurtt

A baby werewolf would be great, as one day a month, your baby would turn into a puppy!
ShowerThoughts

People always slam elevator music and that’s very hurtful to those of us who have spent years learning to play the elevator.
Tmoney68

Late at night leave some broken, muddy planks outside an undertakers with a note: “Your puny coffins cannot hold me. I shall return.”
thewritertype

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
badbanana

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
upsidedowntrash

If the movie “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids” took place in Australia, those kids would have died real fucking quick.
rShowerThoughts

“The Monster Mash” is my favorite song about a scientist making excuses to his wife for coming home late and smelling of monster.
rolldiggity

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

Seen Online

October 12th, 2016 by Cobwebs

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
AndyRichter

tie a yellow ribbon ’round the old oak tree – quick – bind it with the old magics before it wakes and turns to us again
mallelis

I saw a blind guy with a full sleeve tattoo and it made me wonder if he’d always been blind. Because that’s a lot of trust.
mimismartypants

Pro tip: “Foolish mortals” is a gender-neutral form of address.
Black_Isis

Now hang on–How are all these bats *getting into* hell in the first place?
dessadarling

Because telescopes work using mirrors, we will never know if space is full of space vampires. #Showerthoughts
rShowerThoughts

Google should do a thing where if you type in “clown sighting” the first result is always “BEHIND YOU” in blood-red.
pattonoswalt

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
_ElvishPresley_

Alright kid I’m gonna kill your whole family and leave you the sole survivor but don’t like, dedicate yourself to revenge about it
[10 years later while hanging off the side of a bridge on fire, about to fall to my doom] man what did I say about this
iscoff

THIS PUB SELLS A BEER CALLED DORIAN GRAY. IT DOES NOT SELL THIS BEER IN PITCHERS. I CANNOT GET A PITCHER OF DORIAN GRAY.
applebamos

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

Seen Online

September 20th, 2016 by Cobwebs

Real women have razor-sharp teeth and barbed tentacles and oh god who opened a portal to the real women dimension THEY’RE COMING RUN
missokistic

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
ninjadinosaur1

I love how in Addams Family Values at the beginning they’re like is it a boy? is a girl? and Gomez is just like IT’S AN ADDAMS :D like stop trying to gender my baby, it’s goth that’s all that matters
vivisextion

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
TheCatWhisprer

You are haunted by the ghosts of Peter Venkman, Ray Stantz, Egon Spengler and Winston Zeddemore, and there absolutely no one you can call
badedgecases

Ghosts are hard to photograph because, when alive, many didn’t believe in ghosts, and now they’re embarrassed to be ghosts, so they hide.
thewritertype

Every time I feel unexpected pain, I wonder if my descendants got hit so hard that their ancestors could feel it.
rShowerThoughts

A man I don’t know tells me to smile. My jaw unhinges and the True Me emerges from my throat. She is smiling, but not like he’d hoped.
ErinEph

lavabendinggemqueen:
      writing-prompt-s:
      Cthulhu, as an eldritch being, sees humans as humans see insects;
       which is to say, harmless but inexplicably terrifying.
#cthulhu chasing humanity around with a shoe while crying

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s the result of a freak lab accident that altered her DNA and turned her into a–look, just run already.
missokistic

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 3 Comments »

Teen Slasher Music Video Parody

August 24th, 2016 by Cobwebs

There are a zillion horror movie references in this thing. It is awesome.

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

Seen Online

August 3rd, 2016 by Cobwebs

I like to imagine that Satan has this adorable goat pen out back where he lovingly tends to all the goats that have been sacrificed to him.
rShowerThoughts

Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
sannewman

12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year?
Me: What’s wrong with the one we live in?
12yo: WHAT?!
Me: Goodnight, son.
TheMichaelRock

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
SaddleLawman

It’s more accurate to say “deaths were postponed” than “lives were saved”
rShowerThoughts

I want to create an alternative to ‘Pokémon Go’ called ‘Cthulhu Run.’ instead of chasing down Pokémon, various Lovecraftian entities spawn continuously and pursue you.
liaficent

you may not think your brain is a supervillain. but 1) its called Brain and 2) it lives in a skull fortress
VesselOfSpirit

I was thinking about the Grim Reaper recently. They’re not tied to any particular religion, they just personify death and collect the soul and take them…where? What if they’re like afterlife HR?

“So hey! You’re right on time! Okay, your chart says ‘Hellenic.’ Got your coin for the ferryman? No?! Alright, here’s the deal: sign here, River Styx is down the next hall on the left, but you can’t cross for another hundred years. Hey, I don’t make the rules! What do you think a last will and testament’s for, Felix?!”

“Gina! Almost had you there in ’93 with that heart attack, eh? Eh? Anyway, Catholic, right? Hang a left, St. Peter’s waiting behind the gates, he’ll give you your assignment.”

“Hey boss, this one didn’t believe in afterlife or having a soul– I’m headed to my next appointment.”

“Sanjay! Nice long life you had there, buddy. So you remember where the Great Revolving Door of Reincarnation is– oh wait! You qualify for nirvana! Look at you!”

“So Sam, you’re…agnostic. Come to my office, we’ll discuss your options.”

rabababe

Here upon this dead-end query, while you googled weak and weary,
Over many a faint and spurious result of quality poor;
While you nodded, nearly drowsing, suddenly you came here browsing,
As you pressed on calmly drowsing, browsing to this webserver;
“At last, I found it,” you muttered, “surely what I’m searching for!”
Quoth the server, “404.”
— 404 message from unnamed webserver, via DeVries

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 3 Comments »

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