The Art of Darkness

Seen Online

October 12th, 2016 by Cobwebs

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

tie a yellow ribbon ’round the old oak tree – quick – bind it with the old magics before it wakes and turns to us again

I saw a blind guy with a full sleeve tattoo and it made me wonder if he’d always been blind. Because that’s a lot of trust.

Pro tip: “Foolish mortals” is a gender-neutral form of address.

Now hang on–How are all these bats *getting into* hell in the first place?

Because telescopes work using mirrors, we will never know if space is full of space vampires. #Showerthoughts

Google should do a thing where if you type in “clown sighting” the first result is always “BEHIND YOU” in blood-red.

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

Alright kid I’m gonna kill your whole family and leave you the sole survivor but don’t like, dedicate yourself to revenge about it
[10 years later while hanging off the side of a bridge on fire, about to fall to my doom] man what did I say about this


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Seen Online

September 20th, 2016 by Cobwebs

Real women have razor-sharp teeth and barbed tentacles and oh god who opened a portal to the real women dimension THEY’RE COMING RUN

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

I love how in Addams Family Values at the beginning they’re like is it a boy? is a girl? and Gomez is just like IT’S AN ADDAMS :D like stop trying to gender my baby, it’s goth that’s all that matters

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

You are haunted by the ghosts of Peter Venkman, Ray Stantz, Egon Spengler and Winston Zeddemore, and there absolutely no one you can call

Ghosts are hard to photograph because, when alive, many didn’t believe in ghosts, and now they’re embarrassed to be ghosts, so they hide.

Every time I feel unexpected pain, I wonder if my descendants got hit so hard that their ancestors could feel it.

A man I don’t know tells me to smile. My jaw unhinges and the True Me emerges from my throat. She is smiling, but not like he’d hoped.

      Cthulhu, as an eldritch being, sees humans as humans see insects;
       which is to say, harmless but inexplicably terrifying.
#cthulhu chasing humanity around with a shoe while crying

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s the result of a freak lab accident that altered her DNA and turned her into a–look, just run already.

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Teen Slasher Music Video Parody

August 24th, 2016 by Cobwebs

There are a zillion horror movie references in this thing. It is awesome.

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Seen Online

August 3rd, 2016 by Cobwebs

I like to imagine that Satan has this adorable goat pen out back where he lovingly tends to all the goats that have been sacrificed to him.

Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.

12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year?
Me: What’s wrong with the one we live in?
12yo: WHAT?!
Me: Goodnight, son.

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

It’s more accurate to say “deaths were postponed” than “lives were saved”

I want to create an alternative to ‘Pokémon Go’ called ‘Cthulhu Run.’ instead of chasing down Pokémon, various Lovecraftian entities spawn continuously and pursue you.

you may not think your brain is a supervillain. but 1) its called Brain and 2) it lives in a skull fortress

I was thinking about the Grim Reaper recently. They’re not tied to any particular religion, they just personify death and collect the soul and take them…where? What if they’re like afterlife HR?

“So hey! You’re right on time! Okay, your chart says ‘Hellenic.’ Got your coin for the ferryman? No?! Alright, here’s the deal: sign here, River Styx is down the next hall on the left, but you can’t cross for another hundred years. Hey, I don’t make the rules! What do you think a last will and testament’s for, Felix?!”

“Gina! Almost had you there in ’93 with that heart attack, eh? Eh? Anyway, Catholic, right? Hang a left, St. Peter’s waiting behind the gates, he’ll give you your assignment.”

“Hey boss, this one didn’t believe in afterlife or having a soul– I’m headed to my next appointment.”

“Sanjay! Nice long life you had there, buddy. So you remember where the Great Revolving Door of Reincarnation is– oh wait! You qualify for nirvana! Look at you!”

“So Sam, you’re…agnostic. Come to my office, we’ll discuss your options.”


Here upon this dead-end query, while you googled weak and weary,
Over many a faint and spurious result of quality poor;
While you nodded, nearly drowsing, suddenly you came here browsing,
As you pressed on calmly drowsing, browsing to this webserver;
“At last, I found it,” you muttered, “surely what I’m searching for!”
Quoth the server, “404.”
— 404 message from unnamed webserver, via DeVries

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The Zombible

June 29th, 2016 by Cobwebs

Zombible LogoThere are things in the wilds of the intarwebs that make you quizzically cock your head to one side like a dog hearing a high-pitched whistle, and this is one of them.

The Zombible (“Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Zombies”) dares to ask the question, “How might the Gospels have been different if Jesus had come to Earth not to save mankind from sin, but from zombies?” And then it rewrites the contents of the four gospels by way of an answer.

It’s subtle; the prose uses the King James style of writing, and if you just skim it you might not notice anything amiss. But if you read a bit more closely, you notice things like this part of the Parable of the Prodigal Son:

7 And when he came to himself, he thought, How many hired servants has my father spare, and I moan with hunger! 8 I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Brains, 9 and call upon his hired servants.

10 And he arose, and shambled to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell, and ran, and kissed him.

11 And the son said unto him, Brains.

The authors state that this is their first work, so they may intend to rewrite the entire New Testament to reflect Jesus’ new mission. It’d be amusing to quote a verse here and there, insisting that they’re legitimate.

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The Ring vs. The Grudge

June 9th, 2016 by Cobwebs

Last week in Japan the opening of a national baseball game was “interrupted” by the ghosts from The Ring and The Grudge. Sadako (whose cleats, I believe, are my favorite part of this whole weird endeavor) pitched against a blood-streaked Kayako and her ghostly son. Because why not.

It was a promotion for the upcoming horror movie Sadako vs. Kayako, but I could just as easily believe that it was something the baseball team had decided to do for the hell of it. You could tell me literally anything happened in Japan and I would accept it without question.

Here’s a trailer for the upcoming movie. It’s a crossover in the Freddy vs. Jason vein, and according to Wikipedia the film was first teased as an April Fool’s joke last year. I can believe that, too.

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Seen Online

June 8th, 2016 by Cobwebs

If reincarnation is real, I wonder if I’ve ever read anything about my previous life without realizing it.

Dads in horror movies always have the most chill explanations.
“Our son is covered in pentagrams!”
Well maybe he’s just allergic to dairy.

“You fought valiantly, soldiers. May your bodies one day interrupt an important infrastructure project.”
– ancient burial

don’t worry about hipster zombies, they won’t eat anyone you know

[me, attempting to communicate with the dead] “hey u up lol”
[ouija board spells out “READ AT 11:57 PM”]

Sex with me is like tossing a hotdog down a hallway. It’s a lot more fun than you expected.

the only real downside of being a virgin is that u can literally be used as a blood sacrifice at any given moment

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

We are gathered here today because SOMEBODY *glares at coffin* couldn’t stay alive.

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The Most Adorable Filth You’ll See All Day

June 6th, 2016 by Cobwebs

Dust Buddies is a story about the friendship between two dust bunnies, Fuzz and Lint, who live peacefully under a couch. When an evil maid comes to clean the house and sucks Fuzz into her vacuum, Lint must overcome his fears and set out to rescue his friend.

(via The Presurfer)

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Growing Darkness

May 30th, 2016 by Cobwebs

The Shadow Family attended Balticon this weekend, and one of the activities was a showing of short films. I thought this one was cute.

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Seen Online

May 24th, 2016 by Cobwebs

Someone: Raising a family is hard
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close enough to each other
Someone: What?
Necromancer: What?

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

The only reason I shop at consignment shops is I like wearing haunted dead people pants.

Goodnight, sleep tight, let the bedbugs bite.
“You mean don’t let the bedbugs bite, Dad.”
The bugs must feed on you, son. A debt is owed.

Every time you use glitter glue, remember that it used to be a My Little Pony

Work emails get way more eldritch when you read I.T. as IT.

No matter the situation the expression ” I’m dying. ” is always the truth.

Feminist construction workers aren’t any better. They subjectify women as we walk by. “You’re beautiful on the inside!” they scream at me.

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

Goodnight. Dream safely. As long as you don’t dream about the Door in the Fog you’ll be just fine. Maybe dream about bunnies. Sleep well.

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