The Art of Darkness

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August 28th, 2021 by Cobwebs

Sir Gawain and the Green Knight explores one of the oldest and most profound narrative archetypes, to wit: “What if there was this really weird guy who showed up?”
IronsideNatalie

I want to donate my body for science but not like science science like I wanna end up in the music department seeing if my skeleton really does make xylophone sounds
ronnui_

Don’t be envious of people who are more successful than you. Focus instead on your own creative ability to sculpt eerily lifelike wax dolls of those people and stick pins in them.
thewritertype

writing a predator movie where you finally see the predator home planet and it’s like a richard scarry town where there are predators riding to work in little apple cars and shit
johnfreiler

[crime scene]
detective: who outlined the body?
me: i did
detective: why did you draw his eyebrows
me: he was surprised by the stabbing
unsanctifi3d

umm heart disease kills millions of people a year so maybe focus on that instead of being mad at me for killing 1-2 people a year max?
InternetHippo

It’s always the same with you: “Blood for the Blood God!” “Skulls for the Skull Throne!” Well what about my needs, An’ggrath the Unbound? What about “Flowers for Melissa, My Lovely and Supportive Wife”
merrittk

Noise complaint.
911 caller says the vegetarian werewolves that live next door are howling as they dismember and devour their baked potatoes.
EdmondsScanner

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
conajam

wife: how was guarding the two paths today, honey?
guard: [looking away] fine
wife: did something happen?
the guard: [tearing up] no
wife: would the other guard tell me something happened?
MNateShyamalan

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Seen Online

June 15th, 2021 by Cobwebs

Gaze not into the abyss, lest you become recognized as an abyss domain expert, and they expect you keep gazing into the damn thing.
nickm_tor

Funny how if you have two beautiful blue eyes, that’s a good thing, but if you have twenty beautiful blue eyes, you’re “a monster,” “a space alien,” “probably the source of the telekinetic damage to the White House,” “killable, scientists speculate, only with an atomic bomb.”
sannewman

I’ve given it a lot of thought and my love language is that I will hold a grudge on your behalf until the end of time.
everywhereist

[creating catholicism]
priest: what should people say to start confession?
me: forgive me father, for I have sinned
priest: seems long
me: sorry I was bad, daddy
priest: ok no go back
Browtweaten

Today is a good day to wear your cloak and sword, travel to a ruined temple on the lost coast, and stop an incursion by Igleth, the Horned God of Destruction.
Or curl up and read a good book.
Either is fine.
EdmondsScanner

live your life in such a way that your heirs sort through your possessions whispering “what the fuck. what the FUCK. What in the SHIT.”
vandroidhelsing

Just heard a conspiracy theory that the Loch Ness Monster is actually the ghost of an ancient dinosaur, and since it affects nothing and nobody I’ve decided I believe it, as a treat for me
VibertKevin

I moved into a two family house and it turns out our upstairs neighbor is a beekeeper. There’s 20,000 bees in the backyard. She said they’re friendly and will learn my face and behavior pattern and not bother me. I do not want 20,000 bees knowing my face and behavior pattern.
LilJonson

Canonically, the Lord of the Rings is a memoir by hobbits, which has several detailed descriptions of meals throughout, so maybe the whole saga is just one of those recipe blogs where they have to tell you a whole epic story before getting to the food.
StorySlug

Unpopular opinion: the best thing young people can do early in their careers is say “please” to the Dread Pirate Roberts so that they may become his valet and eventually assume the title when he retires
SparkNotes

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April 27th, 2021 by Cobwebs

If i saw an unspeakably horrific lovecraftian entity with my own eyes I would simply comprehend its shape and not go crazy.
LicensedT0Ill

The goal of a woman’s life is *not* to be a wife and mother. It’s to dramatically gatecrash a christening party swathed in a raven-black cloak and cackle, “I TOO HAVE A GIFT FOR THE PRINCESS!”
Iconawrites

Okay but we all agree that SOME who wander are lost, right
ryanqnorth

Behind every successful man there’s a small ghost of a Victorian child
FeelingEuphoric

sex ed teacher: haahaha. wait. i’m sorry lmao. where did you say they came from, again?
athena: f-foreheads
MNateShyamalan

you know the fantasy trope of like the Sword That Makes You Evil. well that sword exists in real life too and it’s called a wrapping paper tube
ntagonistic

dang girl, you’ll make the prettiest flowers once your body rots into the earth.
m0rphlne

“The Raven” is my ideal poem and here’s why:
– Has an unreliable narrator
– Has a bird
– The bird is also unreliable
SparkNotes

police officer: there’s a dead body in your basement
schrödinger: [sighing] well there is now
kieransofar

“Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?” It was me, I did it. It was in a big jar with “COOKIES” written on it. Why else would you have a COOKIE JAR? Oh I’m sorry were you fermenting those cookies
egoraptor

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Seen Online

February 14th, 2021 by Cobwebs

Inside you are two wolves. In front of you is a very upset wolf pack
AbbieEvansXO

Dermatologists HATE Her! Meet The Woman Who Has Dedicated Her Life To Harassing As Many Dermatologists As Humanly Possible
SarahSaudaripam

i want to hear vampires argue about dracula. i want to hear one be like “he got handed everything with that stoker book. there are so many better vampires” and another one shake their head like “no way, dracula changed the game. you cant pretend he didnt”
hunktears

why is it called creepypasta and not fettuccine afraido
blainecapatch

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
mariana057

Man, how hot do you think Freud’s mom was?
RachelMComedy

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
mrjohndarby

So when other people wear a mask, stay inside a lot, and start giving singing lessons on the side, they’re “dealing with a global pandemic.” But when I, the Phantom of the Opera,
SparkNotes

*during a meeting*
Colleague 1: what animals make you think floaty and calming?
Colleague 2: Ooh, rabbits, little birds, butterflies…
Me: those spiders that make sails out of webbing so they can hang glide.
ShinraAlpha

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
harriweinreb

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Seen Online

January 21st, 2021 by Cobwebs

Sometimes you’re the mad scientest, sometimes you’re the slightly irritated scienter.
KellyDMcC

A storm is approaching, and I’m about to do one of my favourite things: go out in the middle of the night and leave several fish on top of my neighbour’s car.
thewritertype

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
SketchesbyBoze

She had legs that just would not quit. We tried to force quit them via the Task Manager, but Windows was not responding.
AlexandraErin

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
dorsalstream

The Skarsgårds are goth Hemsworths
Kendragarden

When in doubt, let nature guide you.
Specifically, cactuses.
Stay hydrated.
Shelter owls.
Stab your predators.
CryptoNature

DoorDash but instead of food, spiders.
NightValeRadio

The sad irony is, if Jack Torrance had just written down what was happening to him, he would have written The Shining, a very successful book.
TNeenan

We’ve been through the wringer and it’s okay to feel emotionally compromised. Take time to pause. Relax. Breathe. Go outside, even in the cold, look at birds. Watch them flit. Listen to chirps and songs. Sing back. Sing their secret song. Let them in. Wow now you’re made of birds
ChuckWendig

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December 15th, 2020 by Cobwebs

live your life in such a way that the Puritans would pass a law forbidding you from entering New England
SketchesbyBoze

Son: daddy, will Santa be allowed to come this year?
Me: Afraid not, kiddo
Daughter: *dismantling bear trap* so we wait til next year?
Me: no… *loading crossbow* …we take the fight to him
HansGrubertron

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
drankturpentine

i no longer contain multitudes. there has been a breach. repeat, there has been a breach.
thesravaka

police officer: there’s a dead body in your basement
schrödinger: [sighing] well there is now
kieransofar

The McRib implies the existence of the McSkull.
ZipperMouth_

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
IvoryGazelle

The Anti-Christ came to my Christmas party & turned all the wine into water. HATE that guy.
JohnFugelsang

Could someone else please follow my dreams for a while? I just really need to sit down.
dorsalstream

every woman you know has witnessed things she would rather not talk about: the girl whose face she stole and then trapped in a mirror, the untimely deaths of her three husbands, the fallen star whose heart she consumes to stay young
SketchesbyBoze

it’s always “this doll is haunted and is ominously shattering the china” and never “how can I provide adequate enrichment for my haunted doll so she doesn’t destroy stuff out of boredom”

responsible haunted doll ownership means aknowledging your doll’s need for interaction and play time! make sure to give her plenty of stuff to look at with her rolling eyes and shatter-proof things to knock over.

remember that knocking picture frames off walls, inverting crosses, and leaving long and disturbing claw marks in your wallpaper is natural haunted doll behaviour and should be managed in a way which is healthy for both you and your doll!

Your Doll’s Not Evil, She’s Just Bored

shakespork

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

Seen Online

November 21st, 2020 by Cobwebs

dracula: you gotta stop man
me: [turning another vegan into a vampire] lol but they get SO mad
Skoog

[first day as a scarecrow]
me: psssst
crow: what
me: over 200,000 acres of rainforest are burned everyday
crow: HOLY SHIT
TweetPotato314

This is my first rodeo. What kind of animal is that. Who’s that guy in the barrel. What’s up with the timer. What the fuck is going on here.
ClueHeywood

Virtual meetings are basically modern seances.
“Elizabeth are you here?”
“Make a sound if you can hear us.”
“Is anyone else with you?”
“We can’t see you, can you hear us?”
McClellandShane

pick your battles. pick… pick fewer battles than that. put some battles back. that’s too many
thequeerwithoutfear

HIRING MANAGER: have you ever been arrested or charged with a crime?
ME: yes, one count of possession
HIRING MANAGER: of firearms, or controlled substances?
ME: *eyes glowing red, head slowly rotating 360 degrees on my neck* no
jelenawoehr

You ever think about the kind of guy who makes a cursed amulet? Like, “ooh hoo hoo, whoever puts this on is gonna have a nasty surprise!” Get a real hobby.
maxknightley

The single most important thing a man can do to be an ally is give his woman friends permission to give dudes at the bar his number so when they call he can angrily say that’s not funny because she died 15 years ago that very night
BudrykZack

will literally never get over the existence of the donner party memorial picnic area
xtraterrestrials

saying “so when’s the baby??” at a wedding:
• rude
• invasive

yelling “I AM THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS, THERE WILL BE NO SURVIVORS”:
• unexpected
• you get to wear a cloak
• strike fear into the heart of Prince Humperdinck

SketchesbyBoze

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

Seen Online

October 1st, 2020 by Cobwebs

the most unrealistic thing about the Girl with the Green Ribbon is that she wasn’t constantly untying the ribbon as a dare, to the delight and horror of her friends, at college parties
SketchesbyBoze

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
longwall26

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
LizHackett

what’s the stupidest, most trivial thing you would do, if you had the ability to time travel without affecting history? personally, I would make T. S. Eliot watch Cats
underthenettle

<the invention of gryphons>
lion: we absolutely cannot tell your husband
eagle: I THINK HE’S GONNA FIGURE IT OUT, KEVIN
cavaticat

*walks into an antique store* i’d like to see your most evil items, please
generalgrievousdatingsim

My 9yo upon seeing David Bowie for the first time: “That’s a fancy vampire!”
lyzl

Teaching a writing class for under-10s:
Me: So, everyone, what does a story NEED?
Small boy: A character!
Small boy 2: A setting!
Small girl, a gleam in her eyes, in a near-whisper: REVENGE.
JacksonPearce

If you gaze long into the abyss, please wear a face covering and maintain social distancing. No more than six people are permitted to gaze into the same abyss, and different households must not gaze into each other’s abyss without first self-isolating for fourteen days.
thewritertype

tired of men telling a lady what she can and can’t do: “don’t wear lipstick” “don’t have opinions” “don’t fake your own disappearance to lure a policeman out to a remote isle where he will be burned in a wicker man”
SketchesbyBoze

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August 11th, 2020 by Cobwebs

An app like Tinder except instead of matching with living people, you match with ghosts that want your help to solve the mystery around how they died.
roxiqt

Showing Marie Kondo my apartment, which is filled with swords. “This kicks ass,” she says. “Don’t throw anything out”
ShariaUncle

About to slouch towards Bethlehem anyone need anything?
redsarahead4

early humans: hey ive invented a thing called a barn
barn owls: thank fuck
egg_dog

I see your Christmas in July and raise you Halloween in ALWAYS.
Kendragarden

Girls with Ouija board: omg ok does Josh have a crush on Katie
Me, the spirit of a Medieval serf: man I don’t fuckin know. Sure
jil_slander

…and the babysitter said, “I’ve put the kids to bed, but that clown statue is freaking me out.”
“Oh my god!”, said the father, “Get out of the house as fast as you can!”
“What?!”, cried the babysitter
“Take the clown statue and get out of the house! WE DON’T HAVE ANY KIDS!!”
Brainmage

After 4 months of social distancing I feel like Jack in The Shining could have kept it together a little better. He had THREE people to talk to and a HUGE HOUSE with LOTS OF GHOST FRIENDS.
JenAshleyWright

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
kibblesmith

[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
PleaseBeGneiss

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April 27th, 2020 by Cobwebs

Thesis: vampires are so melodramatic as a form of behavioural infosec. While their bewildering collections of odd mannerisms make it easy to clock them as vampires, they also make it extremely difficult to tell which of those mannerisms stem from some esoteric weakness or strange limitation on their vampire powers, and which are just them being extra.
prokopetz

You are only called Doctor if you are from the doctorate region of academia, otherwise it’s just sparkling nerd.
Constababble

Werewolf: *transforming* You have to go, now! I don’t want you to see me like this…
Human s/o: Don’t push me away! I’m not afraid of you!!
Werewolf: No no I’m just really dumb as a wolf and I don’t want you to see me bark at a mirror for two hours
mydearestmonster

SARUMAN (kneeling before a Palantir): What is thy will, Sauron, lord of Middle-Earth?
BURNING EYE: BUILD ME AN ARMY WORTHY OF-
MR. SNEEBLES: mew
BURNING EYE: WHAT IS THAT
SARUMAN: Forgive Mr. Sneebles, lord! I’ll move him.
BURNING EYE: NO, NO. I TOTALLY WANT TO SEE THE CAT
scottlynch78

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Diversion50

Advice podcast in a fantasy setting with questions like “I love my werewolf girlfriend but she has a fierce territorial dispute with the neighbour’s St Bernard. How can I let my girlfriend know I’m on her side and I love her but also let her know that I think she shouldn’t be arguing with a literal puppy without upsetting her”
dajo42

ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
iamspacegirl

a “horror” movie about a demon baby, but the parents are chill with it and treat them normally.

“There’s a circle of fire on the front lawn” “Looks like it’s somebody’s naptime”

“Hon, the baby’s on the ceiling again.” “Hold on, i’ll get the broom”

“The baby’s speaking in strange tongues” “Raising children bilingually has so many benefits”

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses

Of course I have body issues, I can’t turn into a fucking wolf.
DothTheDoth

Don’t let anyone tell you that collecting baseball cards or golf balls or stamps or wine corks is somehow more valid or acceptably grownup than collecting plush owls or swords or animal bones found in the woods or the souls of the dead. It’s not.
MageOfSolitude

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