The Art of Darkness

Seen Online

January 16th, 2018 by Cobwebs

I’m the only one who knows this is a murder mystery dinner

[Antiques Roadshow]
Do you see how your shadow turns toward the doll irrespective of the light? She’ll do quite well at auction, but that’s the least of your problems now

1. Do not run. Maintain eye contact.
2. Question their dominance. “Who’s a good boy?”
3. Keep them in suspense. “Who’s a good boy?!”
4. Pop the surprise. “YOU are!”
5. Treats. Hard biscuits tackle bad breath and improve digestive health.

Necromancers are just healers who don’t give up.

When one door closes, lock it securely, along with all your other doors, before any inspirational quotes get in.

When walking past a bookstore, please do not tap the glass!! You will scare the books and then have to buy them all to comfort them.

If you delete the word “of” from most D&D magic items, it sounds like you’re naming jazz musicians: Boots Elvenkind, Bag Holding, Ray Enfeeblement, etc.
Apparatus the Crab is a 90s alt band though

when bodyguards whisper into their jacket they are telling their pocketworm that she is their best friend

I Was Transported Into A Fantasy World But Magic And Using A Sword Is Real Hard So I Guess I’m Learning How To Rotate Crops

People always think it would be cool to be friends with ghosts but probably a lot of those ghosts would be racist

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Leather Link Dumps of Phobos

January 12th, 2018 by Cobwebs

Mushroom Costume – This photo was presented without comment so I don’t know its origins. I love the bracket fungus detail on the one leg.

Emma – Winning entry in the 2017 15 Second Horror Film Challenge. You can see them all here.

1 like=1 nightmare – This is a marvelously creepy thread.

Twilight Zone Reboot – Jordan Peele will be the executive producer of the series reboot on CBS.

The Evolution Store – All kinds of cool bones, preserved animals, and other oddities.

Family Ghosts – Each episode of this podcast explores a family secret.

Inal Bersekov – Tattoo artist who specializes in amazingly photorealistic tattoos. You can see more examples of his work on his Instagram feed.

Sin in Soft Focus – A look at movie history in the decade before the Motion Picture Production Code censorship guidelines were enforced.

Forgotten Fairy Tales – It’d be fun to recount these with a straight face and try to convince people that they’re some of the more obscure Grimm tales.

Stumbling on Skeletons in Old Odd Fellows Lodges – Cue the “skeletons in their closet” jokes.

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Seen Online

January 9th, 2018 by Cobwebs

just once when an actress is asked “what’s your beauty secret?” i want her to coyly smile, pop her head off with both hands, & bats fly out

wish you could add titles to official government records, like yeah I’m Ruben Ferdinand, The Unquelled Darkness, that’s me

the year is 1888
me, the first palaeontologist to dig up a triceratops skull, whispering softly: what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuckkkk

ok look if you’re gonna be a cannibal don’t start with someone’s intestines
do you see carnivores doing that? no. they focus on muscle tissue

MOVIE IDEA: Jason Voorhees kills a guy, who it turns out is an actual goalie. His team sees Jason, assumes HE’S their team-mate, Jason has a new career. Jason turns out to be really good, so his team starts hiding all the murders he’s committing. FRIDAY THE 13TH: JASON ON ICE

I want to belong to an old-timey gentlemen’s club, but for women
Just a place where ladies can sit in leather chairs in stuffy rooms lined with books and huff about politics and possibly make globetrotting bets and confer about mysteries

got fired from my job in the funeral home for inventing casketball

• get enough sleep
• drink water
• raise a kraken to be your son
• finally get a vorpal sword
• read the books you buy instead of hoarding them
• haha okay one of these isn’t realistic

Kinda hope all of this year’s tax prep commercials are just accountants screaming into the abyss.

*…H&R Block spokesdude screams in a hoarse whisper, a green light behind his eyes as the tentacled horrors wrap around him and finally, FINALLY, end his suffering…*

*…a furious homeowner who paid for the premium package calls the TurboTax hotline to speak with a rep. They are greeted with hold music, followed by the sound of an infinite number of tiny creatures which feed upon souls, their mandibles chittering…*

*…all CPAs at the Jackson Hewitt branch offices have been replaced by cultists in black robes. They hold black iron knives pitted with the acidic blood of monsters we cannot comprehend with our mortal minds. There is a 15-minute wait, but there is also coffee…*

*…the friendly polystyrene Lady Liberty mascot from Liberty Tax Service is no more. She has been replaced by Mi-Go, the alien bat-lobster with eyeballs on its tail. It has some trouble holding the sign with its claws while dancing on the side of the road…*

when will we get a children’s animated bible series that depicts angels as the incomprehensible cosmological horrors they scripturally are

like a kid gets visited by a throne, which is this winged, rotating wheel with spokes of tendon and flesh, and no one freaks out and nothing’s wrong.

CHILD: Is this a message from God? ANGEL: (unleashes a screeching wall of sound, an overwhelming voice in a transcendental language that plays with synapses as if they were guitar strings) CHILD: You’re right! I’ll make sure to study extra hard!

PRAYING MAN: I’m sure God is watching me up there, somewhere, guiding me… ANGEL HOVERING THREE INCHES ABOVE HIM: (unfurls its pearly, dripping wings, and a thousand unblinking eyes stare directly at the man, his faith and devotion exposed for each bloodshot iris to see)

who needs ghosts? haunt your own house. wander around your own living room wailing and crying

I do already ghosts hate me because I do their job for them

Millennials killing the haunting industry.

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The Days of Wine and Link Dumps

January 5th, 2018 by Cobwebs

Coffin Spider – I like this illustration a lot.

Cryptkins – Adorable vinyl figures of cryptids like Nessie and the Chupacabra. Cthulhu is also in there for some reason.

Batbats – This Twitter thread is wonderful.

Portals of London – Site devoted to creating “a catalogue of London’s inter-dimensional gateways,” such as the Woolwich Anomaly It has a bit of an SCP Foundation vibe, and similarly doesn’t provide any indication that it’s a work of fiction.

Bill Domonkos – Artist who creates surreal, often creepy, gifs. (Hat tip to pdq)

Tattoos – Helpful guide for avoiding bad tattoos.

Millennial Greek Myths – These are chillingly accurate.

Life-Size Thestral DIY – It looks like the prop skeleton mentioned in the post is by Home Accents.

Making Sigils with Letter Shaping – Interesting method for making customized sigils.

Vampire – Heh.

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