Seen Online
dracula: you gotta stop man
me: [turning another vegan into a vampire] lol but they get SO mad
— Skoog
[first day as a scarecrow]
me: psssst
crow: what
me: over 200,000 acres of rainforest are burned everyday
crow: HOLY SHIT
— TweetPotato314
This is my first rodeo. What kind of animal is that. Who’s that guy in the barrel. What’s up with the timer. What the fuck is going on here.
— ClueHeywood
Virtual meetings are basically modern seances.
“Elizabeth are you here?”
“Make a sound if you can hear us.”
“Is anyone else with you?”
“We can’t see you, can you hear us?”
— McClellandShane
pick your battles. pick… pick fewer battles than that. put some battles back. that’s too many
— thequeerwithoutfear
HIRING MANAGER: have you ever been arrested or charged with a crime?
ME: yes, one count of possession
HIRING MANAGER: of firearms, or controlled substances?
ME: *eyes glowing red, head slowly rotating 360 degrees on my neck* no
— jelenawoehr
You ever think about the kind of guy who makes a cursed amulet? Like, “ooh hoo hoo, whoever puts this on is gonna have a nasty surprise!” Get a real hobby.
— maxknightley
The single most important thing a man can do to be an ally is give his woman friends permission to give dudes at the bar his number so when they call he can angrily say that’s not funny because she died 15 years ago that very night
— BudrykZack
will literally never get over the existence of the donner party memorial picnic area
— xtraterrestrials
saying “so when’s the baby??” at a wedding:
• rude
• invasiveyelling “I AM THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS, THERE WILL BE NO SURVIVORS”:
• unexpected
• you get to wear a cloak
• strike fear into the heart of Prince Humperdinck
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