Shakespeare is great because he’s like “oh someone just died? you’re crying? here’s a weird little freak”
— SketchesbyBoze

Enough talk about “bikini bodies”. Fall is almost here; now you need a body with a detachable pumpkin head that you can throw at your foes riding on horseback.
— iconawrites

i think what i liked most about my first time having sex was that glowy feeling from head to toe you get after realizing you can’t be thrown into a volcano as a sacrifice anymore
— FredTaming

In a humiliating assessment of my competence, life has given me lemonade.
— thewritertype

In zombie movies they make a huge deal about not letting anybody bite you but I’ve actually been doing that already.
— TheAndrewNadeau

“morning person??” oh no you’ve misheard me. I’m a mourning person. always in black, talking about ghosts and bones, in a constant state of grief for the unknown dead.
— confetti-vampire

SHAKESPEARE: to be or not to be, that is the question
SCHRÖDINGER: see this guy gets it
— fro_vo

people don’t know this, but you can say “trick or treat” any time of the year. it’s always a valid ultimatum
— MNateShyamalan

me: I got a ghost I need busted
friend: call the ghostbusters
me: do they have a website or app?
friend: no you gotta call
me: well I guess I’m stuck with this fuckin ghost then
— MrLovenstein

it’s still so funny to me that Agatha Christie’s first husband tried to leave her and she faked her own death to get even. like you think you can just divorce Agatha Christie? a woman who gets paid to invent crimes?
— SketchesbyBoze