Imaginary Image Blog – Interestingly surreal site consisting of descriptions of images that would be totally awesome if they existed. Things like, “A wide-angle photo of the milk section at a supermarket only one of the jugs is overfilled with blood and leaking out into a pool all over the floor” and “A photo taken inside an empty Madison Square Garden as a pack of wolves walk across the court”.
Astronaut Training Party – This isn’t even faintly goth but it’s such a splendidly detailed idea for a children’s party that I wanted to highlight it. It could be spooked up by tweaking the theme to involve hostile aliens, or make it a monster hunter-training party instead.
Spider Screen – I had never considered cross-stitching a window/door screen, but I love this spiderweb idea.
Cinderella’s Coach – Great “coach” made of artificial pumpkins and squash. This would be pretty painted with metallic or iridescent paint, too.
Skeleton Cupcakes – Tutorial (starts a couple of paragraphs down in the post) for making ridiculously cute skeleton cupcake toppers out of chocolate-covered pretzels.
Every day I say a little prayer of thanks that no one I know can read my mind.
— Paxochka
I wish social networks existed in the time of the Iliad. I would enjoy reading historical accounts about “I’M IN A HORSE!” posts.
— Surviving the World
You want to know about voting. I’m here to tell you about voting. Imagine you’re locked in a huge underground nightclub filled with sinners, whores, freaks and unnameable things that rape pit bulls for fun. And you aren’t allowed out until you all vote on what you’re going to do tonight. You like to put your feet up and watch “Republican Party Reservation.” They like to have sex with normal people using knives, guns, and brand new sexual organs that you did not know existed. So you vote for television, and everyone else, as far as your eye can see, votes to fuck you with switchblades. That’s voting. You’re welcome.
— Warren Ellis
The woman ahead of me at the pharmacy is in a belly-shirt, kilt, and combat boots. I hope she’s picking up her prescription for the future.
— AinsleyofAttack
Walked through the metal detector at the airport while making the devil horns sign with my hands and headbanging. No one got it.
— sucittaM
“With our survival as a species at stake, zombies are back from the dead”–The History Channel and its new “Fuck It” programming approach.
— fmarciuliano
Whatever historical period you’re nostalgic for, one thing is certain: the consensus at the time was that life had gone to hell.
— johnroderick
I don’t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
— thesulk
Percentage of calls coming from inside the house: 72%. #SpookyStats
— FakePewResearch
If I had a time machine, I’d just go back and say “that’s so Raven!” to Edgar Allen Poe after everything he says.
— CuddlyNinja
NBC has decided to reboot The Munsters and make it, quote, “a visually spectacular one-hour drama.”
Bryan Fuller, the creator of Pushing Daisies, is behind the reboot.
Grandpa Sam Dracula is essentially Dracula who assembled Herman because no man was good enough for his daughter Lily, a sexy vamp. Lily’s niece Marilyn the freak is actually normal and Lily and Herman’s only child, Eddie, has his werewolf tendencies surface in puberty, forcing the family to relocate to their famous 1313 Mockingbird Lane address.
Fuller’s been busy; he’s also had a series based around Hannibal Lecter accepted by NBC.
I tend to find recipes created by food companies largely suspect, because they so often seem engineered toward using their own products with a tasty result being somewhat secondary. So it is with these Voodough Dolls: Perhaps it’s just me, but a dessert that consists of a thin piece of cookie, a giant wad of marshmallow, and vanilla frosting is the sort of dessert that is likely to remind me that restraint is a virtue.
However, I love both the name and the idea, and it would be splendidly easy to make a much more appealing version. This is nothing but six cylinders, and there are one heck of a lot of cylindrical desserts.
In its simplest form, perhaps as part of a buffet for a child’s party, you could simply use whatever your local snack-size version of a Swiss Roll is. I think I’d also use gumdrops instead of taffy balls for the pin heads, since then you could easily make a lot of them for extra decoration.
For a larger and more adult take on the same idea, any jelly-roll type dessert would work well. In particular, a Buche de Noel version would be an extremely unique centerpiece for a holiday party. Use larger cocktail-type toothpicks for the pins, and top them with chocolate truffle or maraschino cherry pin heads.
You could also do a savory rendition, perhaps with pate or cheese logs, and use olives to top the toothpick pins. And, of course, to be really true to the name, the whole thing could be made of bread.
With the winter holidays galloping up, this is a great time to try something weirdly festive. I may bring a cinnamon-roll take on this in to the office some morning; my co-workers haven’t been giving me a sufficiently wide berth lately.
First, grant me my sense of history:
I did it for posterity,
for kindergarten teachers
and a clear moral:
Little girls shouldn’t wander off
in search of strange flowers,
and they mustn’t speak to strangers.
And then grant me my generous sense of plot:
Couldn’t I have gobbled her up
right there in the jungle?
Why did I ask her where her grandma lived?
As if I, a forest-dweller,
didn’t know of the cottage
under the three oak trees
and the old woman lived there
all alone?
As if I couldn’t have swallowed her years before?
And you may call me the Big Bad Wolf,
now my only reputation.
But I was no child-molester
though you’ll agree she was pretty.
And the huntsman:
Was I sleeping while he snipped
my thick black fur
and filled me with garbage and stones?
I ran with that weight and fell down,
simply so children could laugh
at the noise of the stones
cutting through my belly,
at the garbage spilling out
with a perfect sense of timing,
just when the tale
should have come to an end.
This particular story, which is alleged to have really happened in 1588 (it’s the “Auvergne Werewolf” incident, if you feel inclined to look it up), has always struck me as probably containing a grain of truth because it’s a rather cunning way to get rid of an unwanted wife.
—————
so there’s this guy chillin’ at his window
and a friend of his walks by
and says yo
damndest thing just happened
and already things are suspect
because he is about to tell his friend
that he was attacked by a wolf
and he does not run up, wild-eyed
and go HOLY SHIT I WAS JUST ATTACKED BY A WOLF
no
he is really quite casual about the wolf-attackage
like it’s just another tuesday
in this case I myself would consider moving
somewhere less wolf-infested
but anyway
the friend continues his narrative
I was out hunting
and from out of nowhere this bigass wolf runs at me
snarling and growling
which you must admit is more frightening than if it meowed
but I digress
so I shoot at this wolf
and the bullet just pings off its hide like it’s superman in a wolf suit
and it jumps on me
but before it chows down I manage to pull my knife and cut off its paw
because somehow the wolf is impervious to bullets but not knives
sounds like somebody should get a refund at the wolf suit store
then the wolf runs off and I stick its bleeding paw in my pocket
because I am a nobleman and don’t do my own laundry
so the hunter pulls the paw out of his pocket to show his friend
but instead of a paw it’s a woman’s hand
and not only does the friend just take it at face value
that the paw turned into a hand in the hunter’s pocket
instead of drawing the more logical conclusion
that the hunter just straight up cut off a woman’s hand
and then made up some bullshit story about a wolf
or at least asking himself why the hunter didn’t notice
a small wolf paw turning into a large human hand in his pocket
because I sure as hell would have
also is that a wolf paw in your pocket or are you just glad to see me
is a much shittier pickup line
anyway
not only that
but the friend immediately recognizes the ring on the hand
as belonging to his wife
how is that for an utterly stunning and not at all expected coincidence
and at this point the story says that this discovery
made him begin to suspect some evil of her
which I believe sweeps the No Duh awards
also I would like to know more about this ring
because either it was present on the wolf’s paw
which means the hunter did not notice that the wolf was wearing a ring
and that frankly seems like something that would be hard to overlook
or it magically transformed along with the hand
which opens a whole other can of sartorial worms
in regards to werewolf transformations and where their clothes go
but I digress
anyway
they go looking for his wife
and find her sitting in the kitchen acting casual
with her arm hidden under her apron
looking not the least bit suspicious
and when her husband asks to see her hand she says naw I’m good
so he tears off her apron
and there’s a bloody stump where her hand should be
DUN DUN DUN
and since she doesn’t have a good explanation for her missing hand
like maybe the cat ran off with it
or an alligator bit it off
or some jackass with a knife cut it off and put it in his pocket
the men immediately conclude that she was the wolf in the woods
and turn her over to the authorities
who ALSO immediately conclude the same thing
and tell due process to go fuck itself
and burn her at the stake
the moral to this story is
being a woman in the 16th century sucked ass
I’ve always liked the idea of “quiet books”–soft cloth books with an activity for small hands on each page. Over at Julie’s Blog, the eponymous Julie has taken the concept well beyond felt clock hands and ribbon shoelaces. Her quiet books let you do things like give Worf his bat’leth and untie Leia from Jabba’s leash. My kids would never be able to get near these because I’d want to play with them all the time.
Now, up to this point the subject matter has been somewhat more geeky than gothy, but according to her blog her next two quiet book projects will involve Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. Awesome.
If you don’t want to wait for her to put them together, her clever idea might inspire you to make one of your own. I can envision activities like, “Help Aragorn Re-forge Narsil” and “Hatch the Dragon’s Egg.” (I also sort of like the idea of an “Unquiet Book” with activities like, “Put Dracula Back in His Coffin” or “Reattach the Zombie’s Limbs,” but that might just be me.)
Felt is a wonderfully forgiving material to work with, and there are lots of free patterns and instructions for quiet books (such as these and these) to help get you started. A custom book like this would be a lovely gift for a baby shower or for any small child of your acquaintance.
The Sweeney Todd razorblade mirror designed by Phil Sims is all kinds of stylish, but at around $250 (US | UK) I’m afraid it’ll have to remain on my list of “things I would own if I were rich enough.”
Fortunately, at least for those in the UK, sendmeamirror.com has a much cheaper plain alternative. (There’s a US version available, but it also features a clock so it isn’t quite as stark.)
I tend to find recipes created by food companies largely suspect, because they so often seem engineered toward using their own products with a tasty result being somewhat secondary. So it is with these 
I’ve always liked the idea of “quiet books”–soft cloth books with an activity for small hands on each page. Over at Julie’s Blog, the eponymous Julie has taken the concept well beyond felt clock hands and ribbon shoelaces. Her quiet books let you do things like give Worf his bat’leth and untie Leia from Jabba’s leash. My kids would never be able to get near these because I’d want to play with them all the time.
