The first guy to hear a parrot talk probably was not okay for a few days #Showerthoughts
— rShowerThoughts

What are skeletons? Nobody knows. What we do know is they burrow into coffins, eat the body inside, and use the now empty coffin as a shell
— egg_dog

I feel bad for these RPG monsters. All those years it took to grow so large! How are we altering the ecosystem when we remove the megafauna?
— danctheduck

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
— LizHackett

Every time I see a chameleon, I assume they’re on break.
— JerryThomas

A SPIDER CRAWLED ON MY HAND & WHEN I SHOOK IT OFF IT LANDED IN AN OPEN BAG OF COOL RANCH DORITOS
DO I BURN IT OR DID I INVENT A NEW FLAVOR
— melgillman

you know what’s always bugged me? when a character is faced with some magical two headed being or some shit and one always lies while the other tells the truth and to figure out which is which the character’s like “which one of you is the liar” or something like bruh literally all you gotta do is be like “what’s two plus two” one of them’s gonna say four and the other one is gonna say 83 or some shit. there you go. answered. go on with your magical quest to defeat david bowie.
— kurtwagnermorelikekurtwagnerd

BRAM STOKER: I wrote this 64-page story about a vampire
EDITOR: It’s good but can you add 300 pages of vampire hunters tracking a shipment
— herealeatwood

The worst part about dinosaurs being extinct is that some of them probably tasted awesome. We’re missing an entire category of meat.
— rShowerThoughts

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
— normwilner

Rituals – This ‘toon and its sequel illustrate the problem of rituals that involve planetary alignments.

Haunting of Hill House Miniseries – Netflix is adapting Shirley Jackson’s novel into a 10-episode series.

Death’s Head Watches – A roundup.

Bat Legs – Interesting discussion of the anatomy of bat legs.

Paper Horror Houses – Lovely free downloadables. (Hat tip to WitchArachne)

Strange Remains – “Corpses, bizarre history, and macabre excavations.”

Artful Ashes – This company will swirl cremains into pretty glass globes, so you can use your loved ones as a paperweight I guess.

Ravenous Werewolves – Why werewolves are always hungry.

Ghostwatch on Shudder – The infamous (and hard-to-find) BBC mockumentary that caused a War of the Worlds-style panic in Britain is currently streaming on Shudder.

Ruin Days – This company will anonymously send glitter to your enemies, ranging from a mere envelope full of glitter to a spring-loaded glitter bomb.

So How Does a Centaur Eat, Anyway? – Asking the hard questions.

Vamp Tag – Vampire bats being silly.

This Animator Makes Surreal GIFs from Famous Artwork – A look at artist Kiszkiloszki’s odd little animations. (Hat tip to pdq)

Elder Goths – “When Growing Up Doesn’t Mean Abandoning Your Favorite Youth Culture.” Well, duh.

The Tomato Thief – This lovely short story by Ursula Vernon has been nominated for a Hugo Award this year.

Bubba and the Cosmic Blood-Suckers – A prequel to Bubba Ho-Tep.

Ghoul – Iguanamouth responds to an artistic request.

DIY Faux Metal Crowns – Tutorial for making great-looking crowns from cardboard.

The Person Who Discovered Sharks – The ‘toon is amusing. The Twitter thread is hilarious.

The Addams Family Dancing Blitzkrieg Bop – An amusingly edited video. (Hat tip to pdq)

Enchanted Rose – Video tutorial for making a great-looking rose in a cloche, similar to the one in Beauty and the Beast. You could make the rose black and venomous-looking and use it as a Halloween prop as well.

The Washing Away of Wrongs – Photographer Robert Shults created a series of images of Texas State University’s Body Farm, documenting the lives of workers and the donor bodies themselves, “without sensationalizing this often gruesome work.” Some photos may be disturbing.

Raul Julia as Dracula – Some publicity shots from a 1977 Broadway play in which Julia replaced Frank Langella as the Count. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

End of an Era – Shellhawk’s Nest is having a sale.

Dream – An entertaining Tumblr post.

Buddhist Beetle Sculpture – Sculpture of a Buddhist deity made from 20,000 beetles. (Hat tip to pdq)

Hairyography – You can buy a calendar of hairy dudes dressed like fairies. It is magical.

Tentacuddle Wrap – Knitted blanket similar to the wraps that give you a mermaid tail, except this gives you tentacles.

Pugtopsy – Snorts of Sorrow – This April Fool’s Day video of a pug-fronted death metal band is…well…it’s something.

Medieval Villagers Mutilated the Dead to Stop Them Rising, Study Finds – Archaeologists have found fairly solid evidence of this hinted-at practice.

Something in the Blood – A new biography of Bram Stoker.

Spider Lamp – I’m annoyed to have to post a Facebook link, but this piece doesn’t appear on the artist’s site or Etsy shop. This steampunky nightlight is lovely.

You’ll Be Safe Here – A lovely image which pays tribute to all of geekdom.

My Backyard Monsters – Weird little crocheted things, many with free patterns. Who doesn’t need a miniature Kodama or a taxidermy deer butt?

Medieval Weapons Ice Tray – I’m not sure how practical these would be for keeping drinks cold, but they’re pretty neat anyway.

Dragons Like You Don’t Usually See Them – Some adorable dragon illustrations.

Road Sign Tarot – An amusing Tumblr exchange. I’d like to see somebody do a real tarot deck like this.

Nautilidae – Knitting pattern for an awesome chambered nautilus.

Bride of Frankenstein Doll – Artist Suzanne Forbes made a dynamite “gothic burlesque” costume for a poseable Bride doll. This would be a great Halloween costume.

The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas – Ursula K. Le Guin’s beautifully depressing classic short story.

Fireproof Faux Human Skulls – Pile a bunch of these in your fireplace to make houseguests nervous. Also available in white.

Fiber – Short story by Seanan McGuire, narrated by a teenage former zombie.

Longswords Are Not “Manly” – An interesting dissection of various types of swords.

Agents of Sin – Some interesting concept art for soldiers paired with various Deadly Sins. Reminds me a bit of Jim Butcher’s Denarians.

Call of Cthulhu Metal Dice Set – Kickstarter for some amazingly intricate dice, complete with teensy tentacles.

Etiquette & superstition: voluntary and involuntary surrender of cream – Instructions on how to pass the cream and also how to steal it if you’re a witch. (Hat tip to pdq)

All the Bats – Amusing ‘toon. I like Steve.

Crying Unicorn Candle – Light the candle, and the ceramic unicorn weeps rainbow-colored tears out of its empty eyesockets like it’s just looked at the Ark of the Covenant.

Tamberlane – Sweet webcomic about a clumsy bat who takes in a baby. There’s a Kickstarter for a print run.

Everything That Will Kill You, from A to Z – A marvelously Gorey-esque video. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Obsolete Scientific Theories – …that would make good heavy metal band names. Heh.

Hidden Hearts – Winsomely creepy hollowed-out dolls with dioramas inside.

Please Don’t Tell My Parents I’m a Supervillain – The first in a series of YA novels about a normal middle-schooler who happens to be a supervillain.

The Chronic Argonauts – H.G. Wells book free online at Project Gutenberg. (Hat tip to DeVries)

10 Best ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ Episodes of All Time – A roundup over which to quibble.

Lorica Leggings – There’s a Kickstarter for historically-accurate Medieval armor leggings.

Stay Safe – An amusing comic by Iguanamouth. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Superman vs. Clark Kent – This isn’t really goth but I like it because it makes so much sense.

The Yorick Project – Build notes for hacking Amazon Alexa to speak out of an animated skull.

my dude looks like the babadook – This epic, epic (over 100 tweets so far) thread by Goth Ms. Frizzle is sublime.

Cactus are the most antisocial plant, they grow in the middle of the desert and still like, “Don’t fucking come near me”. #Showerthoughts
— rShowerThoughts

Always a bridesmaid, never the voice that mysteriously bleeds from the corner of your bedroom wall.
— gothicaseas

Hodor and Groot on a date trying to order food
— biorhythmist

I fry all my mythological creatures in gargoyle.
Yeah yeah, I’m leaving.
— E_lok44

me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!
[100 years ago]
witch: fuck this house
— malt_skull

Hobbit cozy mysteries could actually be a thing.
LOBELIA GETS THE SACK
MURDER IN THE MATHOM-HOUSE
A SHORTCUT TO MUSHROOM POISONING
— scottlynch78

Archaeologists, 300 years from now, excavating my skeleton:
“what’s that thing that she’s holding?”
“That, I believe, is a grudge”
— kchurchie

you find a mad libs book on the ground and find that it’s filled completely with proper, sensible words for the situation at hand. a small child in a perfectly tailored gray suit tugs on your shirt with ice-cold hands and politely asks for it back
— korolevx

why do i have to be asleep to eat spiders
— painted_eel

Horror movies should include bloopers, so after watching the main film you’ll be able to sleep #Showerthoughts
— rShowerThoughts

Spring Fever – This Hot Topic ad and the accompanying commentary are heartwarming.

The Order of the Thinned Veil – A “society of like-minded individuals who choose to live our lives steeped in the legends, lore and customs of Halloween.” In other words, our kind of people.

The Blackcoat’s Daughter – io9 reviews a promising-sounding horror movie.

CollectedEdition – Etsy shop specializing in lovely 3D-printed metal jewelry, including thorns and insects.

Steampunk Astrolabe Table – Astonishingly, this gorgeous thing is 3D artwork rather than a physical device. I want a real one.

Xenomorph Tiki Mugs – “In space, no one can hear you drink.”

Horrors Beyond Belief! – A reading guide for Emily Carroll’s horror comics.

Help Transcribe Phyllis Diller Jokes – The Smithsonian is crowdsourcing help for transcribing Diller’s enormous card catalogue of over 52,000 jokes. (You need a goth connection? Diller voiced “The Monster’s Mate” in the classic Mad Monster Party.)

Western – Artist Roman Chaliy mixes old-West iconography with the undead, resulting in skeletal gunslingers and other neat images.

Writing Prompt – Most likely based on this legendary Tumblr post, a recent Reddit prompt was, “In the canine world, humans are celestial beings who live for more than 500 years at a time. The caretaker of you and the past seven generations of your family will die soon.” Beware the onion-chopping ninjas infesting the thread. (Hat tip to xJane)

The @MicroSFF Twitter feed is a trove of wonderful, tiny stories.

The author recently said that he was thinking about this tweet:

"Dad, there's a monster under my bed."
"Yes, I know. That's why I've trained you. Here, your sword."
"But-"
"Be bold, my girl! Save us all!"

— Micro SF/F stories (@MicroSFF) January 13, 2015

…and followed up with this marvelous thread:

"Um," she said, feeling very silly. "Still there?"
"Yes," the monsters under the bed hissed.
"I'm moving, to uni. Um. Will you come?"
"Yes."

— Micro SF/F stories (@MicroSFF) February 28, 2017

"Where is he?!"
"Eaten."
"You ate him?"
"We are monsters under the bed. We are your greatest fear."
"I don't fear you."
"You feared him."

— Micro SF/F stories (@MicroSFF) February 28, 2017

"My son has monsters under his bed."
"Yes."
"Can you… chase them away?"
"Let him fight, like you fought us."
"He can't."
"You can teach."

— Micro SF/F stories (@MicroSFF) February 28, 2017

"Monsters," she whispered, "are you still there?"
"Yes." A whisper from under her hospital bed.
"I fear death."
"Join us?"
She slipped away.

— Micro SF/F stories (@MicroSFF) February 28, 2017

On a similar note, and not-coincidentally, right after the U.S. election, the account tweeted these gems:

"Child?" The wet, gravelly voices came from under the bed.
"Yes?"
"We watch your world, and we fear."
"I'll call for dad."
"Thank you."

— Micro SF/F stories (@MicroSFF) February 1, 2017

"Child?" The wet, gravelly voices came from under the bed.
"Yes?"
"If you and your parents need refuge, we will welcome you."
"Thank you."

— Micro SF/F stories (@MicroSFF) February 1, 2017

queenofthedorks liked that one so much that she illustrated it.

What I’m saying is that @MicroSFF does monsters-under-the-bed right and you should totally follow them.