Thesis: vampires are so melodramatic as a form of behavioural infosec. While their bewildering collections of odd mannerisms make it easy to clock them as vampires, they also make it extremely difficult to tell which of those mannerisms stem from some esoteric weakness or strange limitation on their vampire powers, and which are just them being extra.
— prokopetz

You are only called Doctor if you are from the doctorate region of academia, otherwise it’s just sparkling nerd.
— Constababble

Werewolf: *transforming* You have to go, now! I don’t want you to see me like this…
Human s/o: Don’t push me away! I’m not afraid of you!!
Werewolf: No no I’m just really dumb as a wolf and I don’t want you to see me bark at a mirror for two hours
— mydearestmonster

SARUMAN (kneeling before a Palantir): What is thy will, Sauron, lord of Middle-Earth?
BURNING EYE: BUILD ME AN ARMY WORTHY OF-
MR. SNEEBLES: mew
BURNING EYE: WHAT IS THAT
SARUMAN: Forgive Mr. Sneebles, lord! I’ll move him.
BURNING EYE: NO, NO. I TOTALLY WANT TO SEE THE CAT
— scottlynch78

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
— Diversion50

Advice podcast in a fantasy setting with questions like “I love my werewolf girlfriend but she has a fierce territorial dispute with the neighbour’s St Bernard. How can I let my girlfriend know I’m on her side and I love her but also let her know that I think she shouldn’t be arguing with a literal puppy without upsetting her”
— dajo42

ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
— iamspacegirl

a “horror” movie about a demon baby, but the parents are chill with it and treat them normally.

“There’s a circle of fire on the front lawn” “Looks like it’s somebody’s naptime”

“Hon, the baby’s on the ceiling again.” “Hold on, i’ll get the broom”

“The baby’s speaking in strange tongues” “Raising children bilingually has so many benefits”

— biggest-gaudiest-patronuses

Of course I have body issues, I can’t turn into a fucking wolf.
— DothTheDoth

Don’t let anyone tell you that collecting baseball cards or golf balls or stamps or wine corks is somehow more valid or acceptably grownup than collecting plush owls or swords or animal bones found in the woods or the souls of the dead. It’s not.
— MageOfSolitude

So how about that global pandemic, huh? Didn’t see that one coming.

With widespread shortages of protective equipment, homemade masks have become a common DIY project. Having: a) A lot of time on my hands, and b) A truly staggering amount of scrap fabric*, I’ve been making a lot of masks for my community.** I’ve been using the instructions in Button Counter’s excellent tutorial, but I’ve streamlined the process a bit. With an assembly-line approach, you can turn out a metric assload*** of masks in a short amount of time.

Here are my notes on the basic instructions:

• You can cut this all out with scissors, but a cutting mat and rotary cutter will make your life a zillion times easier. You should be able to stack fabric and cut out three or four masks at once.
• The 14″ measurement of the main piece of fabric is the up/down direction, so if you use fabric with a directional pattern make sure that the 14″ side lines up with the fabric pattern.
• The shorter measurement of the two smaller strips of fabric is supposed to be 1.75″, but 2″ is a lot easier to eyeball on a cutting mat and it doesn’t make any difference to the finished mask. Also the strips have to be at least 6″ long, but since you’re going to be cutting them down anyway they can be longer. Instead of cutting an 8″x14″ piece of fabric for the main part of the mask and then cutting two 6″x2″ strips separately, it’s faster to just cut an 8″x18″ piece of fabric and then cut two 8″x2″ strips off one end.
• Instead of marking one pleat, folding it, and then marking the next pleat from that, mark these measurements starting at the bottom (the pressed seam) of the mask: 1.5″, 2.5″, 3″, 4″ 4.5″, 5.5″
• There’s no real need to mark the pleats across the entire width of the mask, since they’re only basted at the edges. If you only mark the edges you can just use a pencil instead of a washable fabric pen because the markings will be hidden in the seams.
• Instead of pinning the pleats, basting them, then pinning the elastic and basting it, pin the elastic in place after you pin the pleats and then just baste the whole thing once.

Good luck! And if you’re American, make sure you’re registered to vote and remember to vote blue in November. Because this :::gestures broadly::: is some bullshit.

 

*I was just using Halloween prints–because spiders and skulls are always in fashion–but since I expect I’ll be doing this for a while I decided to just lean into it and ordered some of this.

**Like employees at the local grocery store whose management wasn’t providing any. Information about how to unionize may or may not have been included in the package.

***0.67 imperial arseloads.

Special thanks in this link dump to Pixel Pixie, who submitted fully half of the content this week.

Wrecks of HMS Erebus and HMS Terror National Historic Site – As submitterator extraordinare Pixel Pixie put it, “Shipwrecks are totally goth, right?” They certainly are.

ASMR Videos – Pleasantly creepy ‘toon.

Five MORE Monster-Themed Restaurants to Die For! – A sequel to the roundup posted a couple of weeks ago. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Patchwork Plague Doctor Mask – Instructions for making a weirdly adorable mask.

Vampire Boyfriend – Hilarious collection of cartoons. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Reasons why I would be the worst main character in a horror movie – I sort of love the idea of stuff like this happening in a horror movie and the main character just shrugs.

Disney Haunted Mansion Rain & Thunderstorm – Ten hours of relaxing (haunted) thunderstorm sounds. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

This is my house. – Sweet little ficlet about a haunted house with new occupants.

Bargaining with the Fae – Amusing ‘toon.

Powers of Darkness – This “lost version of Dracula” is, as my favorite submitterator Pixel Pixie put it: “It boils down to the first Icelandic translator of Dracula decided to write erotic fan fic instead.”

Manos: The Hands of Felt – Someone decided to do an all-muppet version of Manos: The Hands of Fate and I don’t know what to say about it. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

ASMR Ambient Atmosphere Mixes – (For your very specific needs.) Titles include “Haunted campout in a northern forest where strange beasts lurk in the distance and whispers of the unquiet dead keep you awake through the long dark night” and “Man has pleasant vanilla sex with a monster in cheap motel bed.”

Five Monster-Themed Restaurants to Die For – Road trip! (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Hallowedding Quilt – This gorgeous quilt was made as a gift for a Halloween wedding.

The Pestilence Doctor – Gorgeous stylized crow/plague doctor mask. (Hat tip to xJane)

Rejected Princesses – “Women too awesome, awful, or offbeat for kids’ movies.”

Skull Pop-Up Card – Free pattern and instructions for making a cute pop-up skull that would be perfect for greeting cards or party invitations.

Pandemic! – Useful information from the Eldritch Defense Force. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Call of Cthulhu Coloring Book – Chaosium has made this a free download.

Catacombes de Paris – The famous catacombs offer an online virtual visit. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Vampiros Vegetarianos – This portrait of vampires serenely feasting on vegetables is fantastic. I love how their hats/ears/headgear resemble long-eared bats. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Down to a Sunless Sea – Creepy short story by Neil Gaiman.

Angioletti Designs – Etsy shop full of teacups and dishes, many with creepy themes. I quite like the skull tea set.

Bat Cams – Nanananana…never mind. This bat sanctuary has several live cams.

The Masque of the Red Death – Poe’s short story, read by Christopher Lee. Not that it’s especially relevant right now, or anything like that. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

A Parade of Earthly Delights – The Netherlands had a Bosch-themed floating parade.

Laboratory Shot Glasses – These would be adorable for a mad scientist-themed party.

Dark Archives – An investigation into the science and history of books bound in human skin. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Wikipedia Horrors – A thread of creepy Wikipedia pages.

The Two of Us – Boris Karloff and Vincent Price sing on The Red Skelton Hour. It is glorious. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

D&D Cookie Cutters – This cute set of cutters comes with a D20, a Beholder, and several others. (Hat tip to Empress Pam)

Black Flowers Blossom – Fiction described by the author as a, “reverse-Lovecraft NSFW monsterfucker novelette.”

Neverending Story Planter Gnomes – Relieve your childhood trauma all over your houseplants!

Horror for Kids – Neat little ‘toon about why some kids like to read scary stories, and why you should let them.

Sexiest Haunted Hotels – I have questions.

Do You Know Darkness? – Kickstarter for what amounts to Goth Trivial Pursuit. (Hat tip to Bruno)

The Brides – Gina Torres is set to star in a TV series about three women who were turned by Dracula, now living in the modern world.

Find Your Astrological Demon – A book of Persian mysticism associates demons with astrological signs. I’m quite pleased with Scorpio. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Mini Apothecary – This altered Altoids tin stuffed full of potions is just adorable.

Circus Girl, The Hunter, and Mirror Boy – Short fiction. “As an orphaned sixteen-year-old, Lynette was haunted by the ghost of Mirror Boy, the drowned child who replaced her reflection. Ten years later, she’s built herself a new life, but all that is threatened when Mirror Boy returns, warning of danger. A hunter has come for both of them, and unless Lynette can figure out what’s going on, they will both perish.”

Every time I see ants in my rubber plant, I whisper, “The prophecy has been fulfilled.”
— KBSpangler

Dating in your 30s should be more fun which is why when I have a one night stand, I write “Croatan” on their bathroom mirror in lipstick before I bounce.
— valhallabckgirl

FUCK conversation starters, we only use conversation STOPPERS in this house! “Oh hi, how was your day?” “I’d peg Michael Myers.” BOOM! Conversation, dead in a flash!
— weaver-z

The only beach body advice I need is how deep to dig so high tide won’t lead to the world discovering my gruesome secret.
— HillaryMonahan

“Yo WHAT UP, it’s ya boi Anubis, back at it again with another soul unboxing video.

Now as you can see, this one is a little heavier than a feather, which longtime fans of the channel will know is REALLY bad, haha”

— WritNelson

ghost character that goes “oooooh” and rattles chains, and eventually we see a flashback to when they were alive and constantly went “ooooooh” and rattled chains, surrounded by regular people at the office
— baking-accident

The reason vampires can’t see themselves in mirrors is not because they lack reflections.
They simply do not pass the mirror test and each time a vampire catches sight of themself in a mirror they go into a territorial attack mode and try to fight that other dracula encroaching on their lair.
— glumshoe

an apocalyptic cult prophetically warning that the world won’t end, ever

it’s just going to keep going on like this, groans dismal prophet

— argumate

Gandalf: yo i’m back from isengard had to ride a fucken eagle to get here what’s up
Elrond: the ring must be destroyed
Frodo: i’ll carry it
Gandalf: oh damn that’s a long ass walk dude i hope you have comfy shoes
Frodo: wait didn’t you say you rode an eagle here
Gandalf: no
— nyquills

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
House guest: That’s such a nice perspecti-
Me: Yep it’s haunted. The whole thing. Just so fucking haunted.
— ronnui_

Wanderlust and What You Could Become – A lovely, fairy tale-like ‘toon.

Leviathan – Ark of the Apocalypse – Sculpture of a ghostly pirate ship made with found materials.

Rat King Color Wheel – This is a really striking print.

Abandoned Dollhouses – Gorgeously-detailed dollhouses that look like spooky abandoned buildings. (Hat tip to Kitten Herder)

Love is Chill – An excellent illuminated manuscript that you can buy as a print.

Embroidery Tattoos – Lovely tattoos that look like needlepoint. (Hat tip to Bruno)

We’re reassigning the fantasy accents – “Dwarves are from Boston now. Please leave the poor Scots be. They really don’t deserve this.” The whole comment thread is gold.

NAVATE – Art by Lauren K. Cannon. Some lovely fantasy/horror stuff, possibly NSFW for artistic nudity. (Hat tip to pdq)

Why Are You Haunted? – A survey.

17th Century Death Roulette – Spin the wheel to earn yourself an authentic death. I got Rickets. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Self care isn’t always chocolate & NetFlix. Sometimes, it’s getting out of bed & doing more difficult tasks like summoning a demon to help with the dishes or finding the right number of chicken bones to appease the thing that lives in the attic.
— roxiqt

Look

I like to think if I was set upon by a world-class assassin, I would take the situation seriously

but if they made threatening eye contact with me as they licked some of my blood off their exotically curvy knife blade, I’d stop our duel dead to lecture them about tetanus

— NotLikeFreddy

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll
— Browtweaten

airline gate attendant: I understand that your little boy is difficult and hard to keep track of, but no, airline policy strictly forbids checking children in the cargo hold. you’ll have to-

members of the band Kansas: <deep breath>

— cavaticat

Demon: (appears)
Cleric: This … isn’t a good time.
Demon:
Entire Congregation:
Demon: Yeah, no, I can see that.
Cleric: Is there … did you leave something at my place last night?
Demon: Fuck’s sake, at least PRETEND to banish me.
Cleric: Oh. Oh yeah! SHOO, NAUGHTY ONE!
— boomer_kid

Concept: one of those “ooh, we messed with this creepy old religious site and now we’re all cursed” stories, except it’s set centuries in the future and the site in question is a derelict Church of Scientology building.

Honestly, I just want to see the obligatory wise mentor who explains how they’re all going to die in the second act say “rogue thetans” with a straight face.

— prokopetz

Look, sometimes murders of crows will blacken the sky at your coming and ravening wolves are gonna follow in your wake, and you’re just gonna have to deal with that, and everybody else in the Costco is just gonna have to deal too
— wodneswynn

me: *wailing dramatically in a long Victorian dress with a lit candelabra down one of the many dimly lit corridors of my gothic mansion at midnight*

my spouse: *turning on the hall light* we fucking talked about this

— faeriesfang

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
— mageofsolitude

demonic possession is a decent trope but you know what’s even better? demonic cohabitation. just 2 people sharing the same body and both being the world’s worst roommate about it.

the demon sharing a body with me: *looking at my depression meal in horror* we… are NOT eating that
me: oh so you can eat the souls of the innocent but you’re too good for leftover spaghetti huh

*fights the demon living in my body over whose turn it is to answer the phone*

— generalgrievousdatingsim

Skull Makeup Brush Holder – Nicely-detailed resin skull suitable for holding brushes, pens, and similar items.

Ghost Girl – Arrestingly creepy sculpture by Kevin Francis Gray.

Body Parts Valentines – Some nicely punny Valentine’s Day cards.

Fun Things to Do During the Zombie Apocalypse – “1. Pants all the zombies and watch em waddle around ”

A New App Guides Readers Through Chaucer’s ‘Canterbury Tales’ – This is an interesting application of technology.

Steampumpkin – DIY guide to giving cheap plastic pumpkins a steampunk makeover.

Skull Egg Mold – I’ve always thought that molding boiled eggs fell into the same category as fluting mushrooms and ironing bedsheets: Stuff that nobody reasonable has the time for. But these are kind of awesome.

ominous positivity bot – Twitter bot specializing in posts which are positive but vaguely unsettling. “The vampire posing as your Cosmology teacher thinks you are very strong.”

Squash Softies – Use scrap fabric to make cute little pumpkins. Or Halloween tribbles.

Be Mine – A creepy illustration, suitable for Valentine’s Day.