The Art of Darkness

Seen Online

September 18th, 2018 by Cobwebs

Why have we not had a Miss Marple/Lovecraft pastiche yet, dammit? “Oh dear…I’m afraid he WAS murdered, Inspector, but not quite like you mean. It reminds me of when young Percy tried summon the Ones Outside. One sees so much of life in a small town, you know.”

“I told his mother–she was so distraught, you know–that he should not have called up what he could not put down, but…well…you know how these things go, Inspector. But the roses in his mother’s garden were lovely for years after that. Positively glowing.”

UrsulaV

The humans acted scared of him, but Bat knew better.
They were his friends.
Each October they even put pictures of Bat up all over town.
ASmallFiction

“Hmmm, ah, yesofcourse. *single clap* That is superb. You, ah. HA! Yes, well.” – Jeff Goldblum orgasming.
seethenare

Your pet trilobite wanted to meet you, but never got the chance. Untold years ago, he fell asleep between two warm stones, imagining they were your hands, hoping he’d wake up in them.
ThePatanoiac

Math problem. I have three apples and am traveling towards you at 17mph. It’s not really a problem, more of a warning. Apple time, bitches.
vladchoc

Stop pretending that you’re not acquainted with that goat-headed demonlord in the corner.
It’s BaphoMET, not BaphoWE-DONT-KNOW-EACHOTHER.
JosephBrassey

DnD homebrew: Southern Gothic Adventure
-All warlocks have met their patrons at a dusty rural crossroads at midnight
-“The Devil Went Down To Georgia”? Acceptable canon bard origin story
-Druid forms include Alligator, Mockingbird
afterwits

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
readingtheend

In all the endless breathless fictionalized takes on Jack the Ripper, have we ever done the one where the reason he disappeared was because a team of vengeful Victorian sex workers systematically hunted him down, took him out and dumped his body in the Thames?
dmeconis

I’m so tired of waking up alone
I should be waking up on a cold glass slab after having my corpse revived in a future dystopia, the reek of antiseptic in the air as I vault over a lab bench and grab a scalpel from an unsuspecting attendant
spookperson

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All the President’s Link Dumps

September 14th, 2018 by Cobwebs

Attic Boxes – For her birthday, author Cassandra Khaw asked other Twitter users to write microfiction for their followers. @dtmooreeditor opened boxes in his “possibly haunted, certainly storied” attic. (Some other fun ones: @DianaSousaBooks provided D&D characters, @KBSpangler let everyone “learn what That Neighbor You Hate just bought at the too-spooky antique store!”, @EldritchGirl did custom monsters, @mossdogmusic described castles, and @UrsulaV gave everybody fictional heirloom vegetables.)

The Ward – Pilot for a Lovecraftian sitcom. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

What if “Thriller” Actually Happened – A Twitter thread of greatness.

Starter Witch Kits – Sephora will be selling “entry-level witch kits” beginning in October. While I applaud the head-‘splodiness that this will cause many a conservative Christian, it seems wrong on a number of levels.

Autumn Traditions – Sam Sykes and Chuck Wendig, again.

The Kite Maker – Interesting short story about the aftermath of an alien “invasion.”

Toilets with Threatening Auras – Twitter account devoted to toilets that would make you consider just peeing in a wastebasket. I think this one is my favorite.

Imagining a Holiday – Neat documentary on the annual Halloween makeover at Disney’s Haunted Mansion. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Father William – “You are old, Father William; you look almost dead, And your deeds are most fondly remembered, Yet your manservant’s body was found in your shed, Dispatched, disembowelled and dismembered.”

Bargain Bin Blasphemy – Pop album covers “upgraded” to black metal. I think Satan and Garfunkel is my favorite.

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Finian’s Link Dump

August 31st, 2018 by Cobwebs

myNoise – Site that lets you customize background noise. This post discusses some of the neat things it can do.

Rating Polearms – Marvelous Twitter thread which discusses “one of the delightful examples of humans figuring out all over the planet that one of the best ways to kill/deter someone is with a big thing at the end of a long stick. YAY!”

The Spookbox – Twitter account which shares “Halloween novelty songs, horror scores and other spooky tunes.”

Peter Talks to a Spider – Peter Parker chats with a spider pal.

The CrowBox – Build a “vending machine” for teaching wild crows simple tasks. BoingBoing has a little more background here.

@LittleCurses – Twitter account full of marvelous bite-sized horror stories.

DIY Snake Cake Stand – Easy tutorial for a good-looking cake stand. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Sheila Rayyan – Makes cute little ceramic monsters and monster-decorated dishware.

Heart-Shaped Teapots – Shellhawk’s Nest has a roundup of some eerily-realistic anatomical heart teapots by Richard Notkin.

Haunted Hotel – Yet another entertaining Twitter exchange between Sam Sykes and Chuck Wendig.

My Grandma the Poisoner – Interesting read about a woman who may have been killing her relatives with kindness.

Posted in Link Dump | 4 Comments »

Seen Online

August 28th, 2018 by Cobwebs

It’s weird that ppl interpret the moral of The Pied Piper story as “Don’t trust strangers” when really it’s “Always pay freelancers”
meagantrott

A guy kept yelling “young lady!” at me but I didn’t look up because I identify more as the 1,000 year old ghost of a ship captain.
chelsealockw00d

Foxes look like dogs, but they can’t interbreed because they are separate, distinct species. The only real giveaway is that, unlike dogs, foxes have vertical, catlike pupils. I guess what I’m trying to say is… for dogs… elves are real.
CryptoNature

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

JenAshleyWright

The thief tip-toed toward the dragon’s hoard, reached out, and picked up…
“What!” he exclaimed. “Cookies?”
The dragon looked over its shoulder. “Yes, I’m keeping them warm. Do you want one?”
“But… Why?”
“I was told they are much nicer when they are warm. Try one.”
MicroSFF

Imagine the disappointment of moving to a sleepy, idyllic New England town to start a new life, only to discover it doesn’t harbor any dark secrets.
Manglewood

fucken hate it when I try to eat a butterfly and its wing patterns resemble eyes so I’m warded off
aJasonWeight

PUBLISHER: So it’s got vampires?
BRAM STOKER: Yes.
PUBLISHER: Sex?
BRAM STOKER: Yes.
PUBLISHER: A lunatic asylum?
BRAM STOKER: Yes.
PUBLISHER: It needs something more.
BRAM STOKER: [scratches head] A… a cowboy?
PUBLISHER: Fucking sold.
BullenRoss

Keep others afraid of you by calling Fall “the harvest.”
DothTheDoth

Bruce Wayne didn’t become Batman until he was 30
It doesn’t matter how old you are
There’s still time for a full blown dramatic goth phase
grantpa

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Old McDonald Had a Link Dump

August 24th, 2018 by Cobwebs

Radioactive Phoenix – Haunting artwork. I’m linking to the artist’s Twitter thread about it, since they discuss its subject matter and where to buy prints.

How to Make Instant Pot Goth Quinoa – This how-to video is splendid. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Jane Austen Board Game – Amusing ‘toon.

No Flight Without the Shatter – Sweet, deeply melancholy short story about the end of the world.

The (Edible) Tooth Child – This cake re-creation of Channel Zero’s “Tooth Child” is deeply unsettling. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Throwing Sheyd – What’s better than a Jewish Demonology podcast? A Jewish Demonology podcast with a pun in its title. (Sheyd/שד is “demon” in Hebrew.)

For the approval of the Midnight Society – An amusing Twitter thread.

Mary Who Wrote Frankenstein – This picture book about Mary Shelley is intended for children 5-8, but I won’t tell if you don’t.

OSR: Class: Witch Coven – A character class for the GLOG RPG system. You are a goat. I swear this makes sense. (Hat tip to Bruno)

The Clown Egg Register – I occasionally suspect that Britain is just a collective hallucination and this kind of tradition does nothing to reassure me otherwise.

Posted in Link Dump | 1 Comment »

Carmen Miranda’s Link Dump is Haunting Space Station Three

August 17th, 2018 by Cobwebs

Mothman Plush – Kickstarter for the most adorable little Mothman (and rounder “Mothball”) you will ever see.

What Cats Know About Humans – A charming Twitter thread. (Hat tip to Bruno)

Dragon Chairs – How do dragons sit on chairs?

Alien Disney Princess – Cassandra Khaw “takes jokes too far,” and they result in the best Twitter threads.

Chalkboard Tombstones – This is a neat idea, and could be easily DIY’d with plywood cutouts and chalkboard paint.

Little Brother and Little Sister – @Vengeful_Doe’s fairytale recaps are always glorious, but this one is particularly glorious.

Skelemental – Gorgeous sculpted metal skeletons, including furniture and accessories. Look at this amazing coffee table. (Hat tip to pdq)

True Facts: Carnivorous Plants – One of Ze Frank’s “True Facts” video series.

Goth Antifascism Patch – I am just crushed that these aren’t available for sale. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Fren Accessories – Little doohickies shaped like various animals which protect the ends of your charging cables. Shapes include axolotls, manatees, and tapirs.

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The Link Dump and the Pussycat

August 10th, 2018 by Cobwebs

A Spectre is Haunting Unicode – This sounds like the title of a really nerdy horror story, but it’s actually an overview of the meaningless “ghost characters” that have accidentally been included in Unicode.

Getting Dressed in the 18th Century – Gentleman – A few months ago the National Museums Liverpool Twitter account posted a video of the rigmarole a (wealthy) 18th Century woman had to go through to get dressed. They’ve just posted a companion video showing a man’s dressing routine.

@MorningArrived – “Morning arrived like ten wombats driving a Porsche—three for the pedals, two for the shifter, two for the steering wheel, and three to lean out the windows and scream: “we’re all gonna die!” in the cutest possible way. #badnoir”

Milk Jug Skulls – Tutorial for making good-looking skulls out of plastic milk jugs. (Hat tip to pdq)

The Tale of the Three Beautiful Raptor Sisters and the Prince Who Was Made of Meat – There should be more fairytales with dinosaurs in them.

What does it take to understand spiders? False eyelashes, capes and face paint – Which also sounds like the recipe for understanding drag queens. Anyway, neat article about researching spider behavior. (Hat tip to Bruno)

The Bloggess’ Secret Room – Amusing Twitter thread.

Illuminidol – “Idolatry of the 21st Century.” Offers devotional candles featuring pop-culture “saints.”

Terminal 00 – As submitterator Bruno phrased it, “TFW you’re a goth but also a web designer searching for a job.”

“Dead and Breakfast” Lap Desk – Tutorial for a nice-looking gothy lap desk. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Posted in Link Dump | 2 Comments »

Seen Online

August 7th, 2018 by Cobwebs

Just realized that since we read serial nineteenth-century novels only as whole books, we are basically bingewatching the nineteenth century.

“Bleak House is so long!” Yeah, if you read all seasons in one go, I guess it is pretty long.

KHandozo

I bet octopuses think bones are horrific. I bet all their cosmic horror stories involve rigid-limbs and hinged joints.
CryptoNature

why limit yourself between choosing between a pretty feminine aesthetic or a dark one? if persephone can be the goddess of spring & queen of the underworld at the same time so can you
dracomallfoys

Her camera captured pictures of ghosts.
“Here, how do you like this?” she asked.
“Ugh, I look horrible. Delete it!”
So she did, every time.
MicroSFF

A man walked into my coffee shop, sat across from me with no food or drink, whispered “great tattoo” at me, then left, so what I’m saying was it was not a great day for me to be reading a book about Ed Gein
sadydoyle

All beach bodies are good beach bodies with the exception of the body of the creature that washed up on the beach of Narragansett, Rhode Island in the winter of 1933 and the strange occurrences in the night that followed.
SamSykesSwears

Harry Potter and the Special Rock
Harry Potter and the Don’t Room
Harry Potter and his Furry Crime Dad
Harry Potter and the Hot Cup
Harry Potter and the Warm Bird Club
Harry Potter and the Absolutely Nothing Happens
Harry Potter and the Curse of the Sidequests
Thelaserbearguy

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
roxiqt

nice heights you got there
it’d be a shame if someone were to
wuther them
NotLikeFreddy

Just a reminder: there’s an Old Babylonian tablet that mentions a family of exorcists who live together in a house. Which is, I think you’ll agree, one of the great sitcom ideas of the ancient world.
PhilipJBoyes

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O Link Dump! My Link Dump!

August 3rd, 2018 by Cobwebs

ANATOMIKASCIENCE – Etsy shop specializing in interesting ethically-sourced diaphonized animals. (Hat tip to Anna)

Venus Flytrap Pumpkin Candy Holder – Tutorial for a cute “Audrey II” to help you hand out candy on Halloween. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Knit Dragon Scale Accessories – These gauntlets and tails made by knitting together aluminum scales are neat.

Popnihil Records: A Southern Gothic Tale – Profile of Matthew Moyer, founder of the Popnihil label. (Hat tip to Bruno)

Serious Question for #medtwitter – How would you defibrillate a centaur, anyway?

Blood Milk Jewels – Lots of lovely, gothy items. (Hat tip to pdq)

Magma Drake Specimen Box – Nicely-done box of “artifacts” from a dragon. The artist has several similar curiosities as well. (via Spooky Moon)

@movie_goofs – Twitter account dedicated to pointing out “Movie goofs too subtle for that big movie site.” For instance, “Cabin in the Woods (2012)/Factual errors/In the “monster breakout scene”, none of the monsters which are shown rampaging through the facility actually exist.”

Drunk History: The Real Dracula – Featuring Seth Rogen as Vlad. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Arachnomancy – Short, WTF-inducing clip from a cable TV show called “The Amazing Realm of Prophecy.” If you called up Central Casting and said, “Give me the host for a low-budget cable TV show about divination,” this guy is who they’d send. (Hat tip to pdq)

Posted in Link Dump | 1 Comment »

Seen Online

July 24th, 2018 by Cobwebs

ME: Since their transformation is lunar phase dependent a more accurate name would be “when-wolf.”
ARBY’S CASHIER: Again, sir, we closed an hour ago.
AndrewNadeau0

Here’s the question I always have with universal translators in sci-fi: how do they know when to stop translation?
Like say an alien asks about deserts on earth, and the human lists “the sahara desert, gobi desert and kalahari desert”
Alien: You just said “desert” six times.
Foone

“Dad, there’s a monster under my bed!”
“Yes, the bed they used to live under has been razed.”
“But it’s a monster!”
“Maybe, but we are not.”
MicroSFF

Overheard in the French Quarter: “My big fear with becoming a zombie is all the walking.”
Nalo_Hopkinson

Every badger in a waistcoat implies a whole infrastructure of badger tailors and store owners.
benwurgaft

Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
AbbieEvansXO

Every time we read Peter Pan at bed time, I can’t help but do the math on all the money the parents are saving with that dog nannying all three kids
JewelStaite

the best response when someone makes fun of you for reading fiction is to invite them down into your ancient cellar for a glass of wine. they will never suspect what’s coming.
SketchesbyBoze

Thinking about how in Harry Potter there was an evil shop full of death magic on evil street and everyone was just fine with this being a place of business. Wizards are stupid as shit.
gapingmaws

I like how once you get to the Monster’s part of FRANKENSTEIN it’s the Monster being quoted by Victor being quoted by the sea captain and you’re still supposed to believe the sea captain remembered all this and is transcribing it verbatim to his sister

Did the sister not have questions about why her brother wrote a “letter” to her that’s literally novel length

How much was the postage to mail that from the Arctic

arthur_affect

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