The Art of Darkness

Seen Online

August 19th, 2022 by Cobwebs

Shakespeare is great because he’s like “oh someone just died? you’re crying? here’s a weird little freak”

Enough talk about “bikini bodies”. Fall is almost here; now you need a body with a detachable pumpkin head that you can throw at your foes riding on horseback.

i think what i liked most about my first time having sex was that glowy feeling from head to toe you get after realizing you can’t be thrown into a volcano as a sacrifice anymore

In a humiliating assessment of my competence, life has given me lemonade.

In zombie movies they make a huge deal about not letting anybody bite you but I’ve actually been doing that already.

“morning person??” oh no you’ve misheard me. I’m a mourning person. always in black, talking about ghosts and bones, in a constant state of grief for the unknown dead.

SHAKESPEARE: to be or not to be, that is the question
SCHRÖDINGER: see this guy gets it

people don’t know this, but you can say “trick or treat” any time of the year. it’s always a valid ultimatum

me: I got a ghost I need busted
friend: call the ghostbusters
me: do they have a website or app?
friend: no you gotta call
me: well I guess I’m stuck with this fuckin ghost then

it’s still so funny to me that Agatha Christie’s first husband tried to leave her and she faked her own death to get even. like you think you can just divorce Agatha Christie? a woman who gets paid to invent crimes?

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Seen Online

March 15th, 2022 by Cobwebs

Oh honey, that’s just how old houses are. They settle. They sometimes creak or groan, or quietly weep, or demand blood sacrifice in voices that sounds like the fluttering wings of a thousand moths. It’s just the house settling. For whatever it can get. Go back to sleep.

Inside you there are two wolves. They are both very tired and are doing their best.

I maintain that the moral of A Christmas Carol is actually “never go with a ghost to a second location”

I’m not the main character I’m one of the housekeepers hearing strange noises coming from the third floor of this Gothic manor and simply saying “that’s not my business”

Make a movie about the TA who had to teach 90% of Indiana Jones’ classes.

I like to play chess with old men in the park. (The tough part: finding 32 of them.)

During plane turbulence it’s fun to touch your temples and pretend you’re experiencing a premonition.

You want me to apply for a fellowship? After what happened to Boromir?

Ladies, remember that if someone asks you “why do you not have kids yet” over the holidays, the appropriate answer is, “Alas, because I promised my firstborn to the forest imp who spun my straw into gold!”

i am super skinny in that i am like covered completely in skin

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It’s the Great Link Dump, Charlie Brown

October 31st, 2021 by Cobwebs

I have been terribly remiss in posting link dumps because :::gestures broadly at everything::: Sorry about that.

(Special thanks to Pixel Pixie, who always finds great stuff.)

Haunted Honey – Honey and beeswax removed from hives built in tombs in New Orleans. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Elvira Action Figure – A new 8″ Elvira action figure is being released in 2022.

Southern Gothic Oracle Deck – Tarot deck with gorgeous artwork of various southern gothic tropes. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

The One with the Haunted Friends Episodes – Nicely creepy short story.

Jareth Goblin King Candle – The scent of this Labyrinth-inspired candle made me giggle. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

The Haunting of Hill House – @xoDrVenture, who has read several classic horror novels and hilariously live-tweeted the experience, tackles Shirley Jackson.

Donner Dinner Party – “A rowdy game of frontier cannibalism!” (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Aerial View Embroidery – I really love this idea. You could embroider a view of your favorite cemetery or other spooky landmark.

Minature Pathology Museum – The curator of the Integrated Pathology Learning Centre converted her childhood dollhouse into a pathology museum. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

L’Espirit de L’Escalier – This very cool short story is a modern reimagination of Orpheus and Eurydice, if Orpheus had succeeded.

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Seen Online

August 28th, 2021 by Cobwebs

Sir Gawain and the Green Knight explores one of the oldest and most profound narrative archetypes, to wit: “What if there was this really weird guy who showed up?”

I want to donate my body for science but not like science science like I wanna end up in the music department seeing if my skeleton really does make xylophone sounds

Don’t be envious of people who are more successful than you. Focus instead on your own creative ability to sculpt eerily lifelike wax dolls of those people and stick pins in them.

writing a predator movie where you finally see the predator home planet and it’s like a richard scarry town where there are predators riding to work in little apple cars and shit

[crime scene]
detective: who outlined the body?
me: i did
detective: why did you draw his eyebrows
me: he was surprised by the stabbing

umm heart disease kills millions of people a year so maybe focus on that instead of being mad at me for killing 1-2 people a year max?

It’s always the same with you: “Blood for the Blood God!” “Skulls for the Skull Throne!” Well what about my needs, An’ggrath the Unbound? What about “Flowers for Melissa, My Lovely and Supportive Wife”

Noise complaint.
911 caller says the vegetarian werewolves that live next door are howling as they dismember and devour their baked potatoes.

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me: you don’t remember me do you?

wife: how was guarding the two paths today, honey?
guard: [looking away] fine
wife: did something happen?
the guard: [tearing up] no
wife: would the other guard tell me something happened?

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

Seen Online

June 15th, 2021 by Cobwebs

Gaze not into the abyss, lest you become recognized as an abyss domain expert, and they expect you keep gazing into the damn thing.

Funny how if you have two beautiful blue eyes, that’s a good thing, but if you have twenty beautiful blue eyes, you’re “a monster,” “a space alien,” “probably the source of the telekinetic damage to the White House,” “killable, scientists speculate, only with an atomic bomb.”

I’ve given it a lot of thought and my love language is that I will hold a grudge on your behalf until the end of time.

[creating catholicism]
priest: what should people say to start confession?
me: forgive me father, for I have sinned
priest: seems long
me: sorry I was bad, daddy
priest: ok no go back

Today is a good day to wear your cloak and sword, travel to a ruined temple on the lost coast, and stop an incursion by Igleth, the Horned God of Destruction.
Or curl up and read a good book.
Either is fine.

live your life in such a way that your heirs sort through your possessions whispering “what the fuck. what the FUCK. What in the SHIT.”

Just heard a conspiracy theory that the Loch Ness Monster is actually the ghost of an ancient dinosaur, and since it affects nothing and nobody I’ve decided I believe it, as a treat for me

I moved into a two family house and it turns out our upstairs neighbor is a beekeeper. There’s 20,000 bees in the backyard. She said they’re friendly and will learn my face and behavior pattern and not bother me. I do not want 20,000 bees knowing my face and behavior pattern.

Canonically, the Lord of the Rings is a memoir by hobbits, which has several detailed descriptions of meals throughout, so maybe the whole saga is just one of those recipe blogs where they have to tell you a whole epic story before getting to the food.

Unpopular opinion: the best thing young people can do early in their careers is say “please” to the Dread Pirate Roberts so that they may become his valet and eventually assume the title when he retires

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

Seen Online

April 27th, 2021 by Cobwebs

If i saw an unspeakably horrific lovecraftian entity with my own eyes I would simply comprehend its shape and not go crazy.

The goal of a woman’s life is *not* to be a wife and mother. It’s to dramatically gatecrash a christening party swathed in a raven-black cloak and cackle, “I TOO HAVE A GIFT FOR THE PRINCESS!”

Okay but we all agree that SOME who wander are lost, right

Behind every successful man there’s a small ghost of a Victorian child

sex ed teacher: haahaha. wait. i’m sorry lmao. where did you say they came from, again?
athena: f-foreheads

you know the fantasy trope of like the Sword That Makes You Evil. well that sword exists in real life too and it’s called a wrapping paper tube

dang girl, you’ll make the prettiest flowers once your body rots into the earth.

“The Raven” is my ideal poem and here’s why:
– Has an unreliable narrator
– Has a bird
– The bird is also unreliable

police officer: there’s a dead body in your basement
schrödinger: [sighing] well there is now

“Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?” It was me, I did it. It was in a big jar with “COOKIES” written on it. Why else would you have a COOKIE JAR? Oh I’m sorry were you fermenting those cookies

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All the President’s Link Dumps

April 23rd, 2021 by Cobwebs

Guess who’s responsible for half these links again? If you guessed “Pixel Pixie” you’ve been paying attention.

The Deadlands – Kickstarter for a monthly speculative fiction magazine described as “a journal of endings and beginnings.”

Bats and Cats Afghan and Spooky Spider Afghan – Two cute crochet kits. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Bayeaux Tapestry Online – The Bayeaux Museum has a new feature which allows you to explore the entire tapestry online, with high-quality images.

Chris McKay to direct monster movie about Dracula’s buddy Renfield – Sure, why not. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

The Mothman Prank – This is the Platonic ideal of a prank: Nobody gets hurt, and it’s hilarious.

Would You Live in a Former Funeral Home? – Well…yeah. This Victorian mansion is gorgeous. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

You Are Capable of Writing Better Horror Stories – This is targeted at horror-themed video games, but it’s a very good look at how horror works in fiction.

Luna Tarot Deck – Kickstarter for a lovely moon-themed deck. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Good Bad & Undead – Jason Momoa and Peter Dinklage are in talks to play the last descendant of the Van Helsings (Dinklage) and a vampire who’s sworn off killing people (Momoa).

Escape from the Evil Garden – A Edward Gorey-themed board game. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Posted in Link Dump | 2 Comments »

All the Pretty Link Dumps

March 27th, 2021 by Cobwebs

Y’all should be profusely thanking Pixel Pixie because without her you wouldn’t have link dumps nearly so often.

The Waking Dead – Crochet pattern for a sleep mask that is certainly…eye-catching. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Amy’s Baggage – Etsy shop with horror movie and pop culture-themed lanyards, cosmetic bags, and similar items.

Creature Comfort – Kickstarter for a throw blanket with an awesome design. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Open House on Haunted Hill – Sweet little story about a house that aspires to be evil.

Elvira Auction – An auction of “Property from the Collection of Elvira, Mistress of the Dark” will be held on Halloween, 2021. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Sex Appeal Rankings for Supernatural Creatures – A thread of greatness.

Rob Zombie Set to Helm The Munsters Film for Universal – This could either be a lot of fun or Tim-Burton’s-Dark Shadows levels of bad. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

The Ghost Writer’s Antique Bookstore – Cute addition to the Lemax “Spooky Town” collection.

Neglected Murderesses – Norman Reedus is planning to develop the Gorey book into a series for AMC. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Cheshire Cat Tattoo – This black light tattoo is perfect.

Posted in Link Dump | 1 Comment »

All the Small Link Dumps

March 5th, 2021 by Cobwebs

Gratitude to Pixel Pixie for once again supplying half of these links.

Campaigns and Companions – A delightful book of D&D illustrations featuring animals.

The Edible Museum – Anatomically accurate human hearts, brains, and fingers, plus toads and beetles and other delights, all made of chocolate. ((Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Trivial Pursuit: Horror Edition – This version of the game features questions about classic horror movies and books.

MacFizzet Hall – A lovingly-detailed Edward Gorey-themed dollhouse. ((Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Adopte ton Pouple – Etsy shop full of tentacular goodness. I especially love the octopus fishnet stockings.

Escape the Mütter – Virtual escape room inside the Mütter Museum. ((Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

We, the Girls Who Did Not Make It – A ghost story. CW for allusions to torture and rape.

SunSpots by Adria – Etsy shop featuring “strange and unusual” stained glass suncatchers. ((Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Statler the Bat – This 33-year-old fruit bat is living his best life.

Man Builds a Skeleton Guitar Made from the Remains of his Deceased Uncle – Although this is probably a hoax, the guitar is still super cool. A similar one made with a plastic skeleton would be a great prop. ((Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Posted in Link Dump | 3 Comments »

Seen Online

February 14th, 2021 by Cobwebs

Inside you are two wolves. In front of you is a very upset wolf pack

Dermatologists HATE Her! Meet The Woman Who Has Dedicated Her Life To Harassing As Many Dermatologists As Humanly Possible

i want to hear vampires argue about dracula. i want to hear one be like “he got handed everything with that stoker book. there are so many better vampires” and another one shake their head like “no way, dracula changed the game. you cant pretend he didnt”

why is it called creepypasta and not fettuccine afraido

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

Man, how hot do you think Freud’s mom was?

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

So when other people wear a mask, stay inside a lot, and start giving singing lessons on the side, they’re “dealing with a global pandemic.” But when I, the Phantom of the Opera,

*during a meeting*
Colleague 1: what animals make you think floaty and calming?
Colleague 2: Ooh, rabbits, little birds, butterflies…
Me: those spiders that make sails out of webbing so they can hang glide.

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

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