The Art of Darkness

Seen Online

February 14th, 2018 by Cobwebs

me: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg, it’s finally happening
me: *falls over*
girlfriend: the poison is kicking in

Our dog Paddy brought our cat Felix into the house this evening and lovingly placed him in front of the fire. Yes, that was such a sweet thing to do…except for the fact that Felix was buried on Tuesday. Hence I am on the wine.

There’s a door that only ever appears when it rains. It’s only in one spot at any given time in the world. You’ll think your mind is playing tricks on you—it isn’t. It’s real. Find it.
Find me.

If someone is effortlessly happy in the morning, that’s a demon. You’re talking to a demon.

Hello, children, and welcome to Hogwarts.
Let us begin by asking a dead guy’s talking hat how many of you are evil.

I want a “Big Brother”-style show featuring famous historical mad scientists, just so I can have the scene where Victor Frankenstein looks at the camera and says “I’m not here to make… FRIENDS.”

When there’s an earthquake, coffins become huge underground maracas.

There was a storm brewing in the teacup. A tiny kraken, once desiccated in a magic war, woke among the leaves.
Honey calmed it, though.

Give me a supervillain whose origin story begins with them as a cashier until they eventually snap, you cowards.

Hey gang, Ozymandias here! Thanks as always for looking on my works, and if you liked what you saw don’t forget to click “Despair!”

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

Gulliver’s Link Dump

February 9th, 2018 by Cobwebs

Alfred E. Crowley – This made me giggle.

The Price – A proof-of-concept animation for Neil Gaiman’s short story.

Game of Thrones Wine – Wines “inspired” by the series. Fun for a viewing party.

Death and the Dog – If you can read this bittersweet little ‘toon without getting some “dust in your eyes” I don’t want to be your friend.

Ian Malcolm Amigurumi – This is spectacular.

Skull Tie-Dye Shirt – Tutorial for making a surprisingly detailed tie-dye skull T-shirt.

Fighting in Ballgowns – A really great thread on how to fight in a fancy dress.

Dead People Suck – An interview with comedian Laurie Kilmartin, who inadvertently live-tweeted her father’s death and wrote a “guide for survivors of the newly departed.”

Miss Monster – Cool custom masks and other items. I love this panther.

Tortured Candles – Super-easy idea for making creepy Hellraiser-esque candles.

Posted in Link Dump | 1 Comment »

Seen Online

February 6th, 2018 by Cobwebs

the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters

Being an old-timey doctor would rule, just drunk as hell like “yeah u got ghosts in your blood, you should do cocaine about it”

It’s canon that Encyclopedia Brown died grappling with Bugs Meany above Reichenbach Falls.

After conducting massive sleep studies we realized dreams were constant based on date.
Every January 27th was a dream about an unrequited love.
April 19th: Death.
June 10th: Flight.
This discovery was one of the final breakthroughs in realizing our universe was a simulation.

I scream.
You scream.
We all scream.
This is a support group for banshees.

Before a dental appointment tuck a few small feathers inside your cheeks. When the dentist finds them, start purring.

reasons why skeletons are good:
-always smiling
-everyone has one (egalitarian)
-no meat (cruelty free)
-doing their best

in the following circumstances, do NOT eat the apple
– Snake with legs gave it to you
– Lobbed at you during wedding reception; gold
– Bicolored and offered by old woman bearing striking resemblance to ribbon-and-comb sellers

Tonight at work a creepy dude asked me “what’s your secret to staying so slim and perky?” I responded “I’m a thousand year old witch & every morning I bathe in the blood of men I’ve sacrificed” & an old lady nearby laughed; pretty sure this makes us an official coven

Dance like nobody’s watching. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Maintain pike intervals like there’s a maniple of legionaries charging who will close to sword range if you fuck up and give them an opening and then you, and all your battle brothers, are meat for the Roman beast.

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

The Link Dump of the Dawn Treader

February 2nd, 2018 by Cobwebs

“Superhero Plans” Insurance Coverage – A discussion of yet another pitfall of living in the Marvel universe.

How to Change: Your Duvet Cover – This Twitter thread is remarkably accurate.

The Ghost Stories We Tell Around Photon Fires – Evocative ghost story with a science fiction setting.

Dark Shadows Streaming on Amazon – The entire labyrinthine series is now available online.

Balanced Breakfast – I’d eat this cereal.

3,500 Occult Manuscripts Will Be Available Online – Author Dan Brown has made a donation to Amsterdam’s Ritman Library which will allow them to digitize thousands of obscure occult manuscripts and make them available free online. (Hat tip to Bruno)

Umberto Mulignano – Instagram feed for an artist who uses polymer clay to create gorgeous dragons and other fantastical creatures.

My Naym is Floof – An amusing LOTR riff on this.

Origin Story – Odd, melancholy little story about the last of the fairies, who works in a charnel house.

Knife Block – Amusing Twitter thread about the advantages of storing kitchen knives in a drawer.

Posted in Link Dump | 2 Comments »

There Will Be Link Dumps

January 26th, 2018 by Cobwebs

Frankenstein 200 – To celebrate the 200th anniversary of the publication of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, ASU’s Center for Science and Imagination has launched a free, interactive, multiplatform experience for kids which combines online activities with hands-on activities in January and February at museums and science centers across the US.

@butterflyjasmine49 – Instagram feed of a makeup artist who incorporates dead insects in her designs. The mealworm eyelashes are certainly…interesting.

The Dream Collector – In the 60s and 70s photographer Arthur Tress asked children about their nightmares and then re-created them in staged photos.

Someone Realized An HP Lovecraft Poem Maps Perfectly to Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” – And the results are beautiful. (Hat tip to Kitten Herder)

Scream Scene – Podcast which reviews horror movies in chronological order.

The Hydraulic Emperor – Short story by Arkady Martine. As Tracy O’Brien put it, “If you’ve checked every used bookstore you’ve ever been in for that one particular volume you’re sure you’ll never find, you should read this story.”

Strawberry Finch – Amusing tweet.

Alternate Beginning for IT – There was a joke opening made for the 2017 film that’s made it onto DVDs as an extra “deleted scene.”

Raising the Dead – A fascinating look at recovering a body from a deep underwater cave.

Fossilized Spider Tracks – Ancient evidence of cuddly spider feets.

Posted in Link Dump | 3 Comments »

Thread of Happiness

January 23rd, 2018 by Cobwebs

Author Sarah Gailey started a thread of happy things on Twitter, and it’s the thread we all need right now.

I’ll add a few of my own:

  • Honduran White Bats when they’re roosting in a big leaf and are essentially a bouquet of cute.
  • A rainy weekend when you don’t have to go anywhere and can just laze around the house and watch the rain. Bonus if there’s thunder and lightning.
  • Basset Hounds running.
  • Crisp-cold autumn nights when there’s a full moon and the scent of wood smoke.

What are some of yours? Share them in the comments!

Posted in Whatever | 6 Comments »

Ali Baba and the 40 Link Dumps

January 19th, 2018 by Cobwebs

Earworm – Amusing Nedroid ‘toon.

Leonora Carrington – The “lost, last surrealist” was written out of history from the 50s till the 2000s. She re-emerged to global accolade before her death at age 94.

Beauty and the Beast – Photographer and prop-maker Червона Ворона created an amazing paper-mache “Beast” and did a gorgeous photoshoot.

Sarlacc Pit Baby Lounger – Allow your infants to “snuggle in awesomeness without the fear of being digested over a thousand years!”

r/iamthenight – Subreddit devoted to cute bats.

Simon Stålenhag – This artist’s evocative portfolio hints at a strange, dystopian future. Prepare to scroll forever, though. (Hat tip to Empress Pam)

Steampunk Chair – This steampunk wheelchair makeover is gorgeously detailed.

The Sausage Princess – Ursula Vernon looks at some of the weirder fairy tales.

The Tombstone House – This house built from the gravestones of Civil War soldiers is certainly…unique.

Mosquito Foot Microphotography – This photo of a mosquito’s foot at 800X magnification looks like a lost H.R. Giger illustration.

Posted in Link Dump | 1 Comment »

Seen Online

January 16th, 2018 by Cobwebs

I’m the only one who knows this is a murder mystery dinner

[Antiques Roadshow]
Do you see how your shadow turns toward the doll irrespective of the light? She’ll do quite well at auction, but that’s the least of your problems now

1. Do not run. Maintain eye contact.
2. Question their dominance. “Who’s a good boy?”
3. Keep them in suspense. “Who’s a good boy?!”
4. Pop the surprise. “YOU are!”
5. Treats. Hard biscuits tackle bad breath and improve digestive health.

Necromancers are just healers who don’t give up.

When one door closes, lock it securely, along with all your other doors, before any inspirational quotes get in.

When walking past a bookstore, please do not tap the glass!! You will scare the books and then have to buy them all to comfort them.

If you delete the word “of” from most D&D magic items, it sounds like you’re naming jazz musicians: Boots Elvenkind, Bag Holding, Ray Enfeeblement, etc.
Apparatus the Crab is a 90s alt band though

when bodyguards whisper into their jacket they are telling their pocketworm that she is their best friend

I Was Transported Into A Fantasy World But Magic And Using A Sword Is Real Hard So I Guess I’m Learning How To Rotate Crops

People always think it would be cool to be friends with ghosts but probably a lot of those ghosts would be racist

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

Leather Link Dumps of Phobos

January 12th, 2018 by Cobwebs

Mushroom Costume – This photo was presented without comment so I don’t know its origins. I love the bracket fungus detail on the one leg.

Emma – Winning entry in the 2017 15 Second Horror Film Challenge. You can see them all here.

1 like=1 nightmare – This is a marvelously creepy thread.

Twilight Zone Reboot – Jordan Peele will be the executive producer of the series reboot on CBS.

The Evolution Store – All kinds of cool bones, preserved animals, and other oddities.

Family Ghosts – Each episode of this podcast explores a family secret.

Inal Bersekov – Tattoo artist who specializes in amazingly photorealistic tattoos. You can see more examples of his work on his Instagram feed.

Sin in Soft Focus – A look at movie history in the decade before the Motion Picture Production Code censorship guidelines were enforced.

Forgotten Fairy Tales – It’d be fun to recount these with a straight face and try to convince people that they’re some of the more obscure Grimm tales.

Stumbling on Skeletons in Old Odd Fellows Lodges – Cue the “skeletons in their closet” jokes.

Posted in Link Dump | 2 Comments »

Seen Online

January 9th, 2018 by Cobwebs

just once when an actress is asked “what’s your beauty secret?” i want her to coyly smile, pop her head off with both hands, & bats fly out

wish you could add titles to official government records, like yeah I’m Ruben Ferdinand, The Unquelled Darkness, that’s me

the year is 1888
me, the first palaeontologist to dig up a triceratops skull, whispering softly: what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuckkkk

ok look if you’re gonna be a cannibal don’t start with someone’s intestines
do you see carnivores doing that? no. they focus on muscle tissue

MOVIE IDEA: Jason Voorhees kills a guy, who it turns out is an actual goalie. His team sees Jason, assumes HE’S their team-mate, Jason has a new career. Jason turns out to be really good, so his team starts hiding all the murders he’s committing. FRIDAY THE 13TH: JASON ON ICE

I want to belong to an old-timey gentlemen’s club, but for women
Just a place where ladies can sit in leather chairs in stuffy rooms lined with books and huff about politics and possibly make globetrotting bets and confer about mysteries

got fired from my job in the funeral home for inventing casketball

• get enough sleep
• drink water
• raise a kraken to be your son
• finally get a vorpal sword
• read the books you buy instead of hoarding them
• haha okay one of these isn’t realistic

Kinda hope all of this year’s tax prep commercials are just accountants screaming into the abyss.

*…H&R Block spokesdude screams in a hoarse whisper, a green light behind his eyes as the tentacled horrors wrap around him and finally, FINALLY, end his suffering…*

*…a furious homeowner who paid for the premium package calls the TurboTax hotline to speak with a rep. They are greeted with hold music, followed by the sound of an infinite number of tiny creatures which feed upon souls, their mandibles chittering…*

*…all CPAs at the Jackson Hewitt branch offices have been replaced by cultists in black robes. They hold black iron knives pitted with the acidic blood of monsters we cannot comprehend with our mortal minds. There is a 15-minute wait, but there is also coffee…*

*…the friendly polystyrene Lady Liberty mascot from Liberty Tax Service is no more. She has been replaced by Mi-Go, the alien bat-lobster with eyeballs on its tail. It has some trouble holding the sign with its claws while dancing on the side of the road…*

when will we get a children’s animated bible series that depicts angels as the incomprehensible cosmological horrors they scripturally are

like a kid gets visited by a throne, which is this winged, rotating wheel with spokes of tendon and flesh, and no one freaks out and nothing’s wrong.

CHILD: Is this a message from God? ANGEL: (unleashes a screeching wall of sound, an overwhelming voice in a transcendental language that plays with synapses as if they were guitar strings) CHILD: You’re right! I’ll make sure to study extra hard!

PRAYING MAN: I’m sure God is watching me up there, somewhere, guiding me… ANGEL HOVERING THREE INCHES ABOVE HIM: (unfurls its pearly, dripping wings, and a thousand unblinking eyes stare directly at the man, his faith and devotion exposed for each bloodshot iris to see)

who needs ghosts? haunt your own house. wander around your own living room wailing and crying

I do already ghosts hate me because I do their job for them

Millennials killing the haunting industry.

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 3 Comments »

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