The Art of Darkness

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Link Dumps

December 25th, 2020 by Cobwebs

Letters to Satan Claus – KBSpangler live-tweeted this completely bonkers send-up of Hallmark Christmas movies.

Bird Lamps – These lamps resembling ravens playing with lightbulbs are great. I believe that there are also mice and other creatures, but the website was apparently designed by a Yorkie on crack and I didn’t hang around to be sure.

Praying Mantis Crochet Pattern – Pattern for a surprisingly detailed mantis.

Rest in Pieces – An “oddity shop,” heavy on the animal bits. This shop was brought to my attention by the inimitable Pixel Pixie, who sent me a link to the buffalo scrotum. (When I asked what I was supposed to do with this information, the response was, “Get two. Make earrings.”)

Nick Cave Says No One Has Bought His Erotic Wallpaper – The fact that this headline doesn’t even break the top 100 weird headlines for the year says a lot about 2020.

Please link me to a SCARY/BATSHIT/WILD long-form article – This thread has some great recommendations.

Little Dragon Puppet – Video tutorial for a cute little dragon which sits on your hand.

Finding Fiends – Entertaining webtoon about a guy who does a YouTube show about cryptids and his roommate, The Mothman. There are additional entries on the artist’s Tumblr, like this one.

Yip Yips – Free crochet and knit patterns for the Yip Yip muppets.

Collector’s Item – Peter Lorre and Vincent Price did a pilot for a TV series about two crime-solving antique dealers. Part 2 | Part 3 (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

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Seen Online

December 15th, 2020 by Cobwebs

live your life in such a way that the Puritans would pass a law forbidding you from entering New England
SketchesbyBoze

Son: daddy, will Santa be allowed to come this year?
Me: Afraid not, kiddo
Daughter: *dismantling bear trap* so we wait til next year?
Me: no… *loading crossbow* …we take the fight to him
HansGrubertron

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
drankturpentine

i no longer contain multitudes. there has been a breach. repeat, there has been a breach.
thesravaka

police officer: there’s a dead body in your basement
schrödinger: [sighing] well there is now
kieransofar

The McRib implies the existence of the McSkull.
ZipperMouth_

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
IvoryGazelle

The Anti-Christ came to my Christmas party & turned all the wine into water. HATE that guy.
JohnFugelsang

Could someone else please follow my dreams for a while? I just really need to sit down.
dorsalstream

every woman you know has witnessed things she would rather not talk about: the girl whose face she stole and then trapped in a mirror, the untimely deaths of her three husbands, the fallen star whose heart she consumes to stay young
SketchesbyBoze

it’s always “this doll is haunted and is ominously shattering the china” and never “how can I provide adequate enrichment for my haunted doll so she doesn’t destroy stuff out of boredom”

responsible haunted doll ownership means aknowledging your doll’s need for interaction and play time! make sure to give her plenty of stuff to look at with her rolling eyes and shatter-proof things to knock over.

remember that knocking picture frames off walls, inverting crosses, and leaving long and disturbing claw marks in your wallpaper is natural haunted doll behaviour and should be managed in a way which is healthy for both you and your doll!

Your Doll’s Not Evil, She’s Just Bored

shakespork

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A Link Dump Sang in Berkeley Square

December 4th, 2020 by Cobwebs

Holiday Mask Caddy – An amusing DIY project, right down to the fabric of the masks.

Gil Wizen – Entomologist who sells gorgeous prints of insects, along with ethical mounts of things like tarantula molts.

Stages of Decomposition Embroidery – Nicely detailed, slightly macabre embroidery.

Ghost Girl Greetings – Cute and spooky wrapping paper and greeting cards. They’re running a promotion for the next couple of days for saving 13% on their website with code ODDHOLIDAY.

Mixtape: Disco Dracula – A rather mindboggling playlist. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Barnhouse Settlement Embroidery – Really neat embroidered representation of an overhead view of the Barnhouse Neolithic settlement in Orkney.

The Repair Shop Gothic – Amusing short story: “What if The Repair Shop was in the business of bringing things back to life…that were better left dead.”

Memento Mori Hair Fork – Gorgeous copper hair accessory featuring a traditional gravestone decoration. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Who is the Sexiest Satan? – A thread of greatness.

Horror Deconstructed – An interesting look at how horror “works,” and how to apply it to your RPGs. (Hat tip to Bruno)

Spider Stitches – Gorgeous embroidered patches of arachnids and other creepy-crawlies.

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Seen Online

November 21st, 2020 by Cobwebs

dracula: you gotta stop man
me: [turning another vegan into a vampire] lol but they get SO mad
Skoog

[first day as a scarecrow]
me: psssst
crow: what
me: over 200,000 acres of rainforest are burned everyday
crow: HOLY SHIT
TweetPotato314

This is my first rodeo. What kind of animal is that. Who’s that guy in the barrel. What’s up with the timer. What the fuck is going on here.
ClueHeywood

Virtual meetings are basically modern seances.
“Elizabeth are you here?”
“Make a sound if you can hear us.”
“Is anyone else with you?”
“We can’t see you, can you hear us?”
McClellandShane

pick your battles. pick… pick fewer battles than that. put some battles back. that’s too many
thequeerwithoutfear

HIRING MANAGER: have you ever been arrested or charged with a crime?
ME: yes, one count of possession
HIRING MANAGER: of firearms, or controlled substances?
ME: *eyes glowing red, head slowly rotating 360 degrees on my neck* no
jelenawoehr

You ever think about the kind of guy who makes a cursed amulet? Like, “ooh hoo hoo, whoever puts this on is gonna have a nasty surprise!” Get a real hobby.
maxknightley

The single most important thing a man can do to be an ally is give his woman friends permission to give dudes at the bar his number so when they call he can angrily say that’s not funny because she died 15 years ago that very night
BudrykZack

will literally never get over the existence of the donner party memorial picnic area
xtraterrestrials

saying “so when’s the baby??” at a wedding:
• rude
• invasive

yelling “I AM THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS, THERE WILL BE NO SURVIVORS”:
• unexpected
• you get to wear a cloak
• strike fear into the heart of Prince Humperdinck

SketchesbyBoze

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A Modern Link Dump

November 13th, 2020 by Cobwebs

The Selling – Horror comedy about a real estate agent trying to sell a haunted house. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Mary Wollstonecraft seeing her statue for the first time – Susan Harrison sums it up for everybody.

Terrifying Aliens – Cool SFIA video about aliens who are somewhat less benign than E.T. (Hat tip to Bruno)

Happy – A new song by Danny Elfman. (Warning: There are flashing lights in the video.)

Five Amazing But Sadly Forgotten Animated Halloween Specials! – I remember watching a nonzero number of these, but even I somehow missed the Scrabble one. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Knit a Jackalope – It’d be easy enough to add wings if you wanted a Wolpertinger instead.

Naples’ Cult of the Souls of Purgatory – Neat Atlas Obscura piece about the Cemetery delle Fontanelle. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

1 like = 1 British candy Amusing Twitter thread.

Victorian Farm – MeFi thread about the BBC series Victorian Farm and several similar documentaries about modern people living as though they were in some past historical period, using only the technology and materials which would have been available at the time. (Hat tip to Bruno)

Animal X-rays – The Oregon Zoo did a fun thread of the spooky scary skeletons that live inside some of their animals. Looking at a beaver’s tail, you just know that a lot of dinosaur reconstructions are wrong.

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House of Link Dumps

October 30th, 2020 by Cobwebs

Webbed – Indie game in which you play an Australian spider on a quest to save her boyfriend. (Hat tip to Bruno)

Demiurgus Dreams – Etsy shop full of lovely miniature sculptures, including dragons and ghosts.

Remastered Bride of Frankenstein Score – I find it a bit twee that the score is being remastered onto vinyl, but this is still pretty neat. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Eyeball Cake – Cute, easy cake decorated with Oreo eyeballs.

Earn $20K EVERY MONTH by being your own boss – Amusingly creepy short film. (Hat tip to Bruno)

Curbside – There really is an xkcd for everything.

Tim Burton Bringing The Addams Family Back to TV – He’d better not fuck this up. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Resident Alien – Trailer for a new series starring Alan Tudyk.

Monster Swim – Bobby “Boris” Pickett had exactly one (1) hit and rode its coattails for the next 50 years. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Halloween Projects from Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories – A roundup.

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Seen Online

October 24th, 2020 by Cobwebs

impossible to find a frankenstein recipe online that doesn’t start with a freakin novel about the guy’s early life in geneva… just gimme the ingredients and method
reallyreallyreallytrying

GOD [inventing Dracula]:
ANGEL: Wh-what are you doing that for?
GOD: Shut up this is going to rock
ActualLiam

Why is it that the 3 main types of monger are war, fear, and fish. What did fish do to deserve this
_AlexHirsch

during october vampires are at their most powerful. they don’t physically get stronger it’s just a pleasant confidence boost.
moonlandingwasfaked

Latin declensiouns and
Bookes yn libraryes,
Cafés with décor from
Storyes full scarye,
Long midnighte talkes about
Cool goblin kynges:
Thes ben a fewe of my favourite thinges.
LeVostreGC (Chaucer Doth Tweet)

starbucks barista: I need a name for your latte
frankenstein’s monster: [long pause]
AbbieEvansXO

If you see a kid sitting alone on a pier and soft music starts, you’re legally required to sit down and say “Hey sport – what’s wrong?”
TheThomason

So disappointed. I was convinced my dog possessed an uncanny instinct for knowing when thunderstorms are coming, but it turns out she’s simply been checking the BBC Weather app on her iPad all this time.
thewritertype

No one ever talks about how an oubliette implies the existence of a larger, and far more terrifying, oobly.
Brainmage

If I am ever swept off my feet by a dashing widower and he takes me home to his ancient family estate, my first acts will be to move all his former wife’s stuff to a hermetically sealed storage unit and ask all household staff to submit to a biannual psychiatric evaluation.


Also I will oversee the installation of numerous safety rails.


And a modern fire suppression system. Fuck the Historical Society of Lesser Wibblesby or wherever, ain’t no Great Hall burning down on MY watch.


All family members, staff, and guests will be strongly advised to tie long hair back and forbidden to wear anything drapey or flowing after 8 P.M. Any guest not arriving with a modern pyjamas will be issued a set, ideally with a pattern of moose wearing Santa hats or something.


I will carry a screwdriver and a pocket knife. Doors that stick or lock behind me get one strike. Don’t think I won’t take you off your hinges, bitch, I’ve done it before.


In fact, an awful lot of problems could be avoided just by making sure everybody has some DIY skills.


Four words: battery-operated LED lanterns.


Dashing Widower Hubs gets exactly one cryptic utterance before we go to couples counseling. It’s in the prenup. Also, my will, which I will file with a lawyer under the age of 40, will stipulate that if I predecease Hubs, everything in my name is left to the Humane Society.


In the unlikely event that I start renovating and find suspicious bones, shackles, etc., we will seal that shit right back up and go to a hotel for the evening.


A young priest and an old priest will be in my contacts on speed dial.


Regarding relics: anything from foreign lands with a mysterious provenance will be promptly offered back to the country of origin. If they don’t want it, it goes to the British Museum by courier; their karma’s bad enough and Hubs and I can use the tax writeoff.


Anything that seems to be part of a local legend will be left STRICTLY in place. I’m not taking a chance on pissing off the Morrígan because I just had to move the rock garden. All such items will be clearly denoted by a tasteful but highly visible historical marker.


“Oh, that? Grandfather used to say it belonged to Morgana le Fay. Silly, what? Everyone knows these old legends are rubbish and it’s probably a ninteteenth-century repr… Darling? Darling, what are you doing? …Did you have those chainmail gloves and fireplace tongs ON you or


Cabinet of Curiosities? I think you mean CabiNOT of Curiosities, especially if there’s one thing that seems extraordinarily out of place, seems to have a component of polished bone/hair/mysterious reddish stains, or is preserved in formaldehyde and has tentacles.


The portraits of Dashing Hubs’ ancestors are truly remarkable works. They should probably be in a museum rather than lining the staircase. Don’t worry, dear, we’ve got an art budget and in a hundred years, our descendants will be thrilled to show everyone the breathtaking Rothko.


Speaking of the descendants, in case Hubs and I die tragically whilst Abroad, then along with the keys to the manor on their 21st birthday, our children will be provided with hardcopy house inventories and the abovementioned psychological profiles of the staff immediately.


Speaking of which, Hypothetical Descendant, I promise to believe me when you tell me you see someone who isn’t there, particularly if you draw unsettling and surprisingly consistent pictures of them. Also, maybe once a year we’re gonna splash a lil holy water on you just in case.


I don’t wanna be ageist here but why exactly is the Manor employing staff over 70? I get that this is their home and we’re not evicting them just because they’ve got cataracts or missing teeth but we really need to hire someone physically fit enough to maintain the boat house.


Also, two words: WELL COVER.


Climbing vines covering more than about 10 square feet will be killed with fire.


If the lights go out, the first words out of my mouth won’t be, “I’ll go check the fusebox.” They will be [to my fully charged cell phone], “Siri, play Sir Mix-a-Lot.”

No self-respecting ghost or axe murderer is gonna kill someone while the mood music is Sir Mix-a-Lot.

lasrina

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Sex, Link Dumps, and Videotape

October 16th, 2020 by Cobwebs

Sandworm Mood Light – The Beetlejuice merch you didn’t know you needed. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Traces – Artist Valerie Hammond did a series of creepy mixed-media pieces featuring flowers and vines and ghostly hands.

Creatures of the Fae Playing Cards – Deck of standard cards with attractive hand-drawn illustrations.

Watermelon Shark – Instructions for carving a shark who will helpfully hold fruit salad in his maw.

Children of the Stones – A 10-part audio drama based on a spooky TV series of the same name.

Geeki Tikis – Makes pop-culture tiki mugs, including horror icons.

Elvira: Don’t Cancel Halloween – A music video of greatness. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Origin Story – Odd, melancholy little story about the last of the fairies, who works in a charnel house.

NMBC Tarot Deck – Novelty tarot deck with lovely illustrations. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

MousesHouses – Artist Maggie Rudy makes delightful little dioramas featuring mice and other animals.

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The Link Dump in the Willows

October 9th, 2020 by Cobwebs

11 Sinister Haunted House Stories for Fans of Shirley Jackson – A roundup.

Curator’s Crypt – The Poe Museum has a cool YouTube channel. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Read Spooky Stories for Kids – @Literature_Lady is working with a school to put together a read-aloud library for their online students. You can volunteer to video yourself reading a kid-friendly scary story.

Menagerie Wine Pourers – Bottle toppers which make it appear that the wine is pouring out of the figure’s mouth. Several spooky designs, including skulls and ghosts. You can see the zombie pourer in action here. (Hat tip to Empress Pam)

Bat Brooches – Lovely bat-themed vintage jewelry.

Emmitt and the Columbarium – A comic about the San Francisco Columbarium and the man who spent 26 years restoring it.

Live-Tweeting Frankenstein – The same person who did hilarious live-tweets of Dracula and Carmilla is back again.

Horror Novel Recommendations – A roundup

Star Trek: Generations Ending – This isn’t even faintly spooky, but it cracked me up.

The Halloween Shirt Company – Great vintage-look T-shirts with Halloween themes. This one is my favorite. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Posted in Link Dump | 1 Comment »

Seen Online

October 1st, 2020 by Cobwebs

the most unrealistic thing about the Girl with the Green Ribbon is that she wasn’t constantly untying the ribbon as a dare, to the delight and horror of her friends, at college parties
SketchesbyBoze

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
longwall26

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
LizHackett

what’s the stupidest, most trivial thing you would do, if you had the ability to time travel without affecting history? personally, I would make T. S. Eliot watch Cats
underthenettle

<the invention of gryphons>
lion: we absolutely cannot tell your husband
eagle: I THINK HE’S GONNA FIGURE IT OUT, KEVIN
cavaticat

*walks into an antique store* i’d like to see your most evil items, please
generalgrievousdatingsim

My 9yo upon seeing David Bowie for the first time: “That’s a fancy vampire!”
lyzl

Teaching a writing class for under-10s:
Me: So, everyone, what does a story NEED?
Small boy: A character!
Small boy 2: A setting!
Small girl, a gleam in her eyes, in a near-whisper: REVENGE.
JacksonPearce

If you gaze long into the abyss, please wear a face covering and maintain social distancing. No more than six people are permitted to gaze into the same abyss, and different households must not gaze into each other’s abyss without first self-isolating for fourteen days.
thewritertype

tired of men telling a lady what she can and can’t do: “don’t wear lipstick” “don’t have opinions” “don’t fake your own disappearance to lure a policeman out to a remote isle where he will be burned in a wicker man”
SketchesbyBoze

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