The Art of Darkness

Seen Online

January 9th, 2018 by Cobwebs

just once when an actress is asked “what’s your beauty secret?” i want her to coyly smile, pop her head off with both hands, & bats fly out

wish you could add titles to official government records, like yeah I’m Ruben Ferdinand, The Unquelled Darkness, that’s me

the year is 1888
me, the first palaeontologist to dig up a triceratops skull, whispering softly: what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuckkkk

ok look if you’re gonna be a cannibal don’t start with someone’s intestines
do you see carnivores doing that? no. they focus on muscle tissue

MOVIE IDEA: Jason Voorhees kills a guy, who it turns out is an actual goalie. His team sees Jason, assumes HE’S their team-mate, Jason has a new career. Jason turns out to be really good, so his team starts hiding all the murders he’s committing. FRIDAY THE 13TH: JASON ON ICE

I want to belong to an old-timey gentlemen’s club, but for women
Just a place where ladies can sit in leather chairs in stuffy rooms lined with books and huff about politics and possibly make globetrotting bets and confer about mysteries

got fired from my job in the funeral home for inventing casketball

• get enough sleep
• drink water
• raise a kraken to be your son
• finally get a vorpal sword
• read the books you buy instead of hoarding them
• haha okay one of these isn’t realistic

Kinda hope all of this year’s tax prep commercials are just accountants screaming into the abyss.

*…H&R Block spokesdude screams in a hoarse whisper, a green light behind his eyes as the tentacled horrors wrap around him and finally, FINALLY, end his suffering…*

*…a furious homeowner who paid for the premium package calls the TurboTax hotline to speak with a rep. They are greeted with hold music, followed by the sound of an infinite number of tiny creatures which feed upon souls, their mandibles chittering…*

*…all CPAs at the Jackson Hewitt branch offices have been replaced by cultists in black robes. They hold black iron knives pitted with the acidic blood of monsters we cannot comprehend with our mortal minds. There is a 15-minute wait, but there is also coffee…*

*…the friendly polystyrene Lady Liberty mascot from Liberty Tax Service is no more. She has been replaced by Mi-Go, the alien bat-lobster with eyeballs on its tail. It has some trouble holding the sign with its claws while dancing on the side of the road…*

when will we get a children’s animated bible series that depicts angels as the incomprehensible cosmological horrors they scripturally are

like a kid gets visited by a throne, which is this winged, rotating wheel with spokes of tendon and flesh, and no one freaks out and nothing’s wrong.

CHILD: Is this a message from God? ANGEL: (unleashes a screeching wall of sound, an overwhelming voice in a transcendental language that plays with synapses as if they were guitar strings) CHILD: You’re right! I’ll make sure to study extra hard!

PRAYING MAN: I’m sure God is watching me up there, somewhere, guiding me… ANGEL HOVERING THREE INCHES ABOVE HIM: (unfurls its pearly, dripping wings, and a thousand unblinking eyes stare directly at the man, his faith and devotion exposed for each bloodshot iris to see)

who needs ghosts? haunt your own house. wander around your own living room wailing and crying

I do already ghosts hate me because I do their job for them

Millennials killing the haunting industry.

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 3 Comments »

The Days of Wine and Link Dumps

January 5th, 2018 by Cobwebs

Coffin Spider – I like this illustration a lot.

Cryptkins – Adorable vinyl figures of cryptids like Nessie and the Chupacabra. Cthulhu is also in there for some reason.

Batbats – This Twitter thread is wonderful.

Portals of London – Site devoted to creating “a catalogue of London’s inter-dimensional gateways,” such as the Woolwich Anomaly It has a bit of an SCP Foundation vibe, and similarly doesn’t provide any indication that it’s a work of fiction.

Bill Domonkos – Artist who creates surreal, often creepy, gifs. (Hat tip to pdq)

Tattoos – Helpful guide for avoiding bad tattoos.

Millennial Greek Myths – These are chillingly accurate.

Life-Size Thestral DIY – It looks like the prop skeleton mentioned in the post is by Home Accents.

Making Sigils with Letter Shaping – Interesting method for making customized sigils.

Vampire – Heh.

Posted in Link Dump | 2 Comments »

The Time Traveler’s Link Dump

December 29th, 2017 by Cobwebs

Goblin Market – One of the tasks you can perform in SFZero’s “game.” I really like the idea of getting together a group of friends and putting on a real-life Goblin Market. This (admittedly hard-to-read) description of one interaction is particularly great.

Vampire Carols – I like this Twitter thread and recommend that we all plan to go caroling next year.

Archaeology, Death Positivity and Public Engagement – Death & the Maiden looks at the intersection of archaeology and death.

The Door in the Kitchen – Spooky horror comic by Abby Howard.

Furry Monster Christmas Tree – It’s a bit late for this cute DIY project for 2017, but you can always get a jump on 2018.

Greenfire Farms – This farm sells many unusual breeds of chicken. 1) There’s an heirloom chicken breed called “Deathlayer,” which is probably the most metal poultry name ever. 2) They have the gothy Ayam Cemani breed at a price that curdles your blood but doesn’t freeze your marrow, making it alllllmost worth considering. 3) Somebody needs to come talk me down out of my let’s-raise-heirloom-chickens tree right now.

A History of Women Who Burned to Death in Flammable Dresses – Being fashionable used to mean being flammable.

Undated color photograph, c. 1970 – This Twitter thread describing “found photos” is splendidly creepy.

Stryx – Italy briefly had a televised Satanic variety show. Grace Jones was involved. The 70s were a truly weird time.

The Bayeux Tapestry – all of it, from start to finish – “A complete guide to the story as depicted on the famous Bayeux Tapestry.” (Hat tip to Bruno)

Posted in Link Dump | 2 Comments »

The Mystery of the Brass-Bound Link Dump

December 22nd, 2017 by Cobwebs

Bone Forest Gifts – Etsy shop specializing in intricate, creepy, gorgeous 3-D printed jewelry. The skull spiders are particularly unsettling. (via Spooky Moon)

A Plea to Resurrect the Christmas Tradition of Telling Ghost Stories – A lot of Christmas carols make some mention of telling ghost stories. This is why.

Dr. Terrible’s House of Horrible – Series which parodies British horror films of the 60s and 70s; which, in the case of Hammer Films, would be sort of difficult. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Dear Satan – Amusing animated short, narrated by Patrick Stewart.

A Dickensian Alphabet – A worthy ‘toon from Tom Gauld.

Victorian Ghost Signatures – Video discussing the short-lived Victorian fad for creating Rorschach-y images from signatures. Atlas Obscura also has an article about it here (via xJane)

ClockworkCreature – Twitter feed for a costume and creature effects studio, where they share in-progress photos. I love this skullfaced fox.

Yule Goat Costume – This is some gorgeous cosplay.

The Vagabond Tabby – Soaps, salves, and other stuff for your skin.

The Uncanny Valley of Babies – If Reborns weren’t quite creepy enough for you, now there’s Werepups. (Hat tip to Bruno)

Posted in Whatever | 4 Comments »

Seen Online

December 19th, 2017 by Cobwebs

if you own funko pops you have to fight every character you own in the afterlife when you die

A neat fact is that anyone with the surname of “Jones” actually begins life as a “Jone” and only evolves once they devour another Jone or Jones.

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

God wrest ye buried gentlemen from your eternal sleep
It’s time to dig your way out from your slumber six feet deep
I need to raise an army and the living don’t come cheap
Oh, zombies, submit to my command
heed my commands
Oh, zombies, submit to my command

Up on the rooftop, click click click /
Click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click / down through the chimney with

Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand* haha stop hitting yourself, why are you hitting yourself
Sister-in-law: *crying* is this why you wanted an open casket

In the meadow we can build a snowman
And pretend that he’s a circus clown
He’ll say “we all float here” we’ll say “NO MAN”
And get the freakin’ hell out of this town

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Update! Talked with the wife. Turns out my toddler has been talking a lot about “When I was big.” Like, he told her today: “When I was big, I lived in France.” Do I… do I need a young priest and an old priest?

Mozzarella sticks are like fish fingers that successfully got themselves deprogrammed from a cult

This is going to be a stressful week. Remember to take care of yourself.
1. Eat regularly
2. Stay hydrated
3. Don’t look in the closet
4. Groom
5. Don’t listen to the voice telling you to go in the closet
6. Bathe
7. Don’t listen to the carousel music playing from the closet

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »

The Message in the Hollow Link Dump

December 15th, 2017 by Cobwebs

Aziraphale’s Bookshop – Neil Gaiman shared a short video from the set of Good Omens. He confirmed on Twitter that the hat is one of Pratchett’s.

Krampus Hat Pattern – Free crochet pattern for a glorious hat.

The Brief, Wondrous, High-Flying Era of Zeppelin Dining – Interesting look at cooking and dining on the Hindenburg. (Hat tip to Bruno)

Bone Box – Skulls Unlimited has gotten on the subscription box bandwagon and will send you neat things like weasel skulls and owl pellets.

FX To Develop ‘Welcome To Night Vale’ Podcast For TV – I’m not sure how well this will translate to TV, but more power to them. All hail the Glow Cloud.

Frau Perchta and Others – Short Twitter thread about some of the creepier Christmas traditions worldwide. (I don’t know why the illustration of the Mari Lwyd includes a skate egg case in the foreground but I’m oddly okay with it.)

Benrangel Duvet Cover – IKEA duvet cover with a (headless?) skeleton print.

Melting Toht Candle – Your favorite melty Nazi, in handy candle form.

Sharing Things – Sesame Street parodies Stranger Things.

The Blonde Swan – Etsy shop full of very cool hats and headpieces.

Posted in Link Dump | 2 Comments »

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Link Dumps

December 8th, 2017 by Cobwebs

Edward Gorey – The Stuff You Missed in History Class podcast looks at Gorey. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Gifts for Crow Lovers – Suggestions for the corvid fancier on your gift list.

Shit Cassandra Saw That She Didn’t Tell the Trojans Because at that Point Fuck Them Anyway – How far could Cassandra see into the future, anyway? (Hat tip to Bruno)

Altered Carbon Release Announcement – Netflix is doing a series based on Richard Morgan’s Takeshi Kovacs novels.

The Call of Cthulhu Dr. Seuss Style – This is nicely done. (Hat tip to DeVries)

Lizzie – Upcoming thriller based on the Lizzie Borden murders. Since the plot revolves around Lizzie (Chloë Sevigny) and her maid Bridget (Kristen Stewart) being lovers, this is presumably based on Ed McBain’s novel of the same title.

Go to Hell! – Board game in which you try to get Dante through all 9 circles of Hell. (via Jan)

How the Zombie Fungus Takes Over Ants’ Bodies to Control Their Minds – Everybody’s favorite zombie fungus is even more Lovecraftian than we’d thought.

Chuck Tingle’s Shirts for Buds – Tingle T-shirts and a glorious holiday sweater. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Cockroach Donuts – Instructable for some great-looking Halloween party treats.

Posted in Link Dump | 3 Comments »

Seen Online

December 5th, 2017 by Cobwebs

Sigh. You know, it’s nice that this bad guy is female! That’s great! But does it have to be a Oh Woe My Lost Child plotline? I am fully capable of being evil for power as much as the next dude!
My grandmothers marched in the streets for the right of women to be banal villains with non-maternal storylines! MAYBE I JUST WANT TO YELL MUAHAHA AND PET MY TAME HYENA, DID YOU THINK OF THAT?!

you’re on the beach passing by one of those airbrush t shirt kiosks that have a million unlicensed characters on them but you see one with your exact face and name on it and he won’t sell it to you

An app that matches you with someone else who just saw a specific movie from 6 years ago and also needs to talk about it.

Horror is an advent calendar. So many windows through which to gaze into the same abyss.

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️ was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

I’ve said this before but it bears repeating: if you truly want to be happy, haunt an old Victorian house on top of an eerie hill.

intelligence is knowing Frankenstein wasn’t the monster.
wisdom is knowing Frankenstein WAS the monster.


Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

“Dad, why do Santa’s deer have bells?”
“Remember how we put the bell on the cat because he kept eating birds?”
“That. But kids.”

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 2 Comments »

Link Dumps in the Stream

December 1st, 2017 by Cobwebs

Henry Rollins and Nick Cave – This made me giggle.

Vampire’s Kiss & Blood Inside – Short music video-ish film with a cameo by Tim Burton. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Anansi Boys Radio Drama – BBC Radio 4 is doing a six-part adaptation of Neil Gaiman’s novel.

An army of crows is being trained to clear streets of cigarette butts – 1) This is a pretty cool use of corvids’ natural intelligence. 2) Oh, sure, that’s what they say they’re training the army of crows for, but eventually they’re going to have an army of trained crows and that’s how the war starts. (Hat tip to pdq)

Harmonia – Evocative interactive short story/game. (Hat tip to Bruno)

Grinch Backstory – This Twitter thread is…plausible.

The Social Network Tarot – Tarot cards with themes like, “Fake Account” and “Russian Hacker.” (via Cat)

Lucas the Spider – This animation test features an adorable spider that I really want as a pet. (via xJane)

#HellfireBooks – @UrsulaV told @NeolithicSheep, quote, “Swear to god, you are like if the Foxfire books were set in hell” and the obvious response was to start writing them.

Why Horror VHS Artwork Was So F*cked Up – A “microdocumentary” about the artwork on VHS horror movies.

Posted in Link Dump | 1 Comment »

A Moveable Link Dump

November 24th, 2017 by Cobwebs

Lady Blackbird – Cool-looking adventure module full of steampunky goodness. There are a number of video playthroughs online if you want a sample of gameplay. (Hat tip to Bruno)

Roasted Facehugger – This is the best Thanksgiving dish imaginable.

Poor Devil – The fact that not only was Sammy Davis Jr. interested in the Church of Satan but that he made a Lucifer-friendly sitcom pilot is somewhat mind-blowing. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Loch Ness Plush – These li’l Nessies made from upholstery fabric are adorable.

Meet Doug Jones, One Of The Biggest Movie Stars You’ve Probably Never Seen – Interview with the actor who played Billy Butcherson, Abe Sapien, the Pale Man, and many other heavily-costumed characters.

Sam Sykes and Chuck Wendig – It’s worth having a Twitter account just to read their exchanges.

15 Mini Horror Stories – rockpapercynic has been writing ultra-short stories prompted by photographs. There are some nice ones collected here.

Fox Letter Grades – I love everything about this “fox rates” Twitter thread. (Hat tip to Bruno)

The Edible Body Farm – Death- and decay-themed confections. I think my favorite is the “five stages of decay” cupcake.

What We Do in the Shadows Original Short Film – The short that led to the mockumentary. (Hat tip to Pixel Pixie)

Posted in Link Dump | 2 Comments »

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