When Frodo was saved by giant eagles after walking all the way to Mt. Doom, I bet he was all “WE HAVE GIANT EAGLES?!?!?!”
— badbanana

Home is where the heart is. Specifically, beneath the floorboards in my bedroom. Why won’t it stop beating?!?!
— StephenAtHome

Support your local medical examiner. Die strangely.
— Nikki Gustas

List of things that fold, in order of difficulty: 1. Maps 2. Bed sheets 3. Puppies
— thedayhascome

There’s no way Kat Von D knows when she’s done showering.
— kellyoxford

Whenever I get mad at the rowdy people next door, I remind myself that serial killers are often the quietest neighbors of all.
— goldengateblond

At a cemetery, looking for my name on tombstones. This is the Goth version of Googling yourself.
— toddlevin

I think people would stop telling me I need to smile more if they knew the fucked up shit I find amusing.
— Miss_Cook

I’m wearing this hipster’s carcass ironically.
— luckyshirt

I was feeling pretty good about myself and then I imagined Grover in a gimp suit.
— sween