My new makeup guarantees to make you more beautiful in seconds. It utilizes paper bag technology.
— debihope

A cool curse would be if every time your enemy threw something, it hit and killed an eagle.
— rolldiggity

I only have eyes for you. We sold out of skin swaths & teeth a couple hours ago. Last few eyes are in that bucket. (50% off bruised ones.)
— NightValeRadio

Google Earth your house.
See the blue baseball hat in your front bushes?
Hi!!!
— @_SetTheHook_

Before somebody visits me, I put a note in my pocket confirming a) it was them who murdered me, and b) why they did it. Just in case.
— sixthformpoet

Don’t think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.
— JohnLyonTweets

“So what if Sharona WAS Jessie’s Girl? Oh, and dead the whole time.” – M. Night Shyamalan, pitching his 80’s rock opera
— sfreeze6

Wolves howling in a thunder storm are actually just laughing at how scared your dog is.
— ceejoyner

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
— FattMernandez

As FDR famously said “The only thing we have to fear are the spiderpeople among us. Their disguises are really good.”
— NightValeRadio