22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.” 29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
— IanKarmel

You can drag a piñata around the park like a dog, there’s no laws against that
— weinerdog4life

If you’re trying to gauge how far civilization has evolved, just remember that the Ancient Egyptians also used emoticons to communicate.
— KalvinMacleod

At this point in my life, it’s more hurtful than embarrassing that I haven’t received guidance from a forest spirit
— bridger_w

The fact it’s called a “funeral procession” and not a “deadline” is why I’m not the guy who names things.
— Sickayduh

Just wrote Eldritch Horror and autocorrect turned it into Britches Horror and not gonna lie that does sound pretty terrifying
— matthewbaldwin

NEVER FORGET: Tilda Swinton is probably in your bedroom staring at you RIGHT now. Nighty night!
— JennyJohnsonHi5

no but women are so badass okay
because there will inevitably come a point in every woman’s life where she wakes up in a pool of her own blood and her reaction will be dammit now i have to do laundry
that is some suave superhero shit and you won’t ever be able to convince me otherwise
— Sassy McCoy

I’ve always wanted to walk up to a stranger and hand them a briefcase and say, “You know what to do”
— iGreenMonk

The average person eats 8 spiders in their sleep every year, but that’s including the 22 billion consumed by Unlucky Jeff.
— JohnnyMcNulty