He died doing what he loved most: not being dead.
— josswhedon

i just saw a 24 hour carwash. If you’re washing your car at 4am you just killed somebody.
— kirkfox

what are girls doing when they go to the bathroom together? we’re casting spells
— IamEnidColeslaw

I’d like the backstory on 90% of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
— amydillon

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
— schumyxxx

I’m a health goth in the sense that I fantasize about death every time I work out.
— DanaSchwartzzz

everybody’s scared of the dark until they become it
— deIuge

Tomorrow I’m calling a guy who interviewed me 5 years ago asking where I saw myself in 5 years to let him know that I was wrong.
— clifba

When you have a torch, everything looks like a Frankenstein.
— Burgeoning Lads of Science

Did you just say “go east” instead of “turn right,” you pompous little direction shitlord?
— Molly_Kats