if you own funko pops you have to fight every character you own in the afterlife when you die
— sadcrowprince

A neat fact is that anyone with the surname of “Jones” actually begins life as a “Jone” and only evolves once they devour another Jone or Jones.
— SamSykesSwears

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
— DothTheDoth

God wrest ye buried gentlemen from your eternal sleep
It’s time to dig your way out from your slumber six feet deep
I need to raise an army and the living don’t come cheap
Oh, zombies, submit to my command
heed my commands
Oh, zombies, submit to my command
— KestrelPi

Up on the rooftop, click click click /
Click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click / down through the chimney with
M I L L I P E D E S
— jephjacques

Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand* haha stop hitting yourself, why are you hitting yourself
Sister-in-law: *crying* is this why you wanted an open casket
— smithsara79

In the meadow we can build a snowman
And pretend that he’s a circus clown
He’ll say “we all float here” we’ll say “NO MAN”
And get the freakin’ hell out of this town
— vixy

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
—————
Update! Talked with the wife. Turns out my toddler has been talking a lot about “When I was big.” Like, he told her today: “When I was big, I lived in France.” Do I… do I need a young priest and an old priest?
— jeremiahtolbert

Mozzarella sticks are like fish fingers that successfully got themselves deprogrammed from a cult
— rstevens

This is going to be a stressful week. Remember to take care of yourself.
1. Eat regularly
2. Stay hydrated
3. Don’t look in the closet
4. Groom
5. Don’t listen to the voice telling you to go in the closet
6. Bathe
7. Don’t listen to the carousel music playing from the closet
— SamSykesSwears