every time my knees crack that is simply my skeleton saying hello
— Kristen_Arnett

If you put some holy water in a cup with dish soap you can catch vampires that are in your carpet at night.
— gingerbreadgolem

[being buttered]
me: what the hell
murderer: (apologetic) you know what i brought the wrong frickin knife
— ygrene

[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
— FredTaming

I love autumn. I love bonfires and apple picking and carving pumpkins. I love feeling the chilled air when I lure a mortal into the mist and turn them into a thing of the woods using dread forest magic.
— Jamberee13

Hey I saw you from across the bar but my girlfriend didn’t. Are you some manner of spirit
— dreg-heap

Pro tip: Everyone knows you can kill a vampire by driving a stake through its heart but did you know you can also use this technique to kill almost anything else?
— bombsfall

Gentlemen, we are once again gathered here by my milkshake
— KimmyMonte

why are billionaires even on twitter. if I had that kind of money I would go around telling people “what do you call that device you’ve got there? a ‘smart phone’? how quaint, I only communicate via messenger pigeon” before riding off on a chariot pulled by iguanas
— VeryBadLlama

Almost forgot to pay the cheese tax tonight. Can you imagine. I could’ve gone to Jail For Mother
— lasrina