The Art of Darkness

Seen Online

July 27th, 2011 by Cobwebs

Once you understand that your success doesn’t depend upon the failure of others you’ll become less of an asshole.

Mowing would be more fun if grass screamed a little.

My favourite part of a restaurant visit is when the waiter comes over with the peppermill like it was found in the Ark of the Covenant.

If one pig would just get off his lazy ass and attempt to fly, a lot of people would have to do some really embarassing stuff.

They never talk about the bad stuff in an obituary. Like “Devoted husband and father. Loved to laugh. Stabbed a guy once.”

Japan also has Amish people; they drive around in cars instead of teleporting in giant robots.

“What? Why am I a part of this?” – the horse you rode in on

Ghosts probably roll their eyes a lot.

In a coffee shop, surrounded by hipsters. Don’t worry, if they capture me I won’t tell them where we keep the shampoo.

All those punk rock girls who started ironically knitting in the 90s are now just ladies who knit.

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 3 Comments »

3 Responses

  1. Kat Says:

    Re : Mowing the Grass

    No lie, I lived with a group of friends in a rental house in a stuffy neighborhood with one of those crappy neighborhood associations that enforced lawn care. Pft. They stopped enforcing the lawn care with our house after a few…. incidents.

    Once, a roomie tried to get me to do it by telling me I was “decapitating the unruly and rebellious grass.” I spent the next hour mowing laughing sadistically for dramatic effect. To my roommate’s defense, it was my turn, but I felt it was appropriate punishment for conning me into mowing in the middle of a Georgia heat wave.

    Another time, when our mower was at the shop, three of us raided the fourth roommate’s weapon collection for his kukris and machetes. Midway through the raid, one of us realized that there was mud mask in the bathroom. We smeared that on our faces like tribal war patterns and proceeded to hack away at the grass. This was the final straw with the NA.

  2. Beans Says:

    Always a good morning laugh!

  3. xJane Says:

    OMGs, @Kat, you are awesome.

    That restaurant thing is perfect: even folks who like pepper—is it necessary to cart it around in a grinder the size of your arm?!

    Also: that thing about obituaries I totally feel. The same is true of funerals. I want a Speaker at mine (a la the Speaker for the Dead by Orson Scott Card); someone who’ll say, “She was a real bitch sometimes but we loved her anyway.” I’d even be satisfied with, “Jeez, none of us could stand her but we’re here for her husband, who, for reasons beyond comprehension, stayed with her until she kicked it.”

Leave a Reply

Warning: Undefined variable $user_ID in /home/shadowma/public_html/blog/wp-content/themes/dark_ritual/comments.php on line 74