I don’t go to the mailbox because that’s where the Responsibility Monster lives.
— Hadzilla

If someone catches you staring blankly into space & asks you what you’re looking at, shush them & whisper “ghost porn.”
— IamEnidColeslaw

It’d be fun to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off that first mask.
— DearAnyone

Mine’s the USS Everyone Gets Home Safe. RT @scottEweinberg: Prometheus. Icarus. Daedalus. Parsimonious. #badnamesforspaceships
The No Aliens Allowed. The Nobody Dies. The Sunshine Unicorn. The Punch and Pie. #myscifispaceship
— cleolinda (More collected here)

Correct me if I’m wrong, but babies are the only parasites people keep and raise as pets after removing them from their bodies, right?
— BadAdviceNurse

Marsha is a beautiful name for a supervillainess with an army of frogs.
— sween

Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.
— badbanana

Sometimes I fear that none of my work matters and I’m actually in this office so aliens can feed me coffee and harvest my pee.
— tehawesome

Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane… ? What the fuck were they so excited about?
— shariv67

If I was a cab driver, I’d whisper “I could have kept you” to passengers before they got out.
— sucittaM