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I don’t have a train of thought so much as I have a bumper-car of impulse.
— AinsleyofAttack
The only reason I’m nice to people is so one day when the news interviews them about me, they’ll say “I’m shocked, he was such a nice guy.”
— Coastiefish
My Make-A-Wish wish would be to fire an assault rifle while Black Francis stands next to me, screaming.
— BarrettChase
It would be fun to replace every EXIT sign in the world with ones that said ESCAPE. Also, they flicker ominously.
— robdelaney
This Halloween I’m going to scare neighborhood children by jumping out from the bushes and explaining the college loan process to them.
— hipstermermaid
It’s tragic that we’ll never know how annoying Oscar Wilde would have been on Twitter.
— JoshMalina
I imagine the Zombie Apocalypse will feel exactly like Monday mornings.
— Paxochka
Every office has a Saruman and a Grima Wormtongue.
— thesulk
Guy yelling, wearing dress shirt and slacks: I’m looking to kill about 14 or 15 vampires today. If anyone could help me out and point me in the direction of a vampire lair, I could probably kill 8 or 9 there. Thank you.
— Overheard in New York
Say what you will about the Father of Lies–he always showed up to Lies’ T-ball games.
— StephenAtHome
Posted in Funny Peculiar | 1 Comment »
March 28th, 2012 at 1:32 pm
I’ve discovered a new office game!
I’ve a friend who was an army ranger and hid in the bushes one Hallowe’en to scare children who were egging houses. When the cops discovered him, they [knew him, and so] told the kids, “You’re lucky he didn’t kill you!” He is the hero of the neighborhood watch in my mind.