The Art of Darkness

Death is Not an Option

March 13th, 2012 by Cobwebs

I’m feeling silly today, so I’m going to dust off a game that Kristabella used to play on her blog a few years back. The rules are simple: Given the choice of each pair of people below, irrelevant of gender, you have to pick which one you’d sleep with. Choosing death instead is not an option.

Let’s begin, shall we?

The Classic Vampire Matchup
I Vant to Suck...Well, Something   I Cuddle
Dracula Bela Lugosi vs. Dracula Gary Oldman

The Those Masks Have To Come Off Some Time Matchup
I Like Long Walks in the Rain   How YOU Doin'?
Jason Voorhees vs. Michael Myers

The Hot TV Moms Matchup
Rowr   Tish--That's French!
Lily Munster vs. Morticia Addams

The Vampire Hunter Matchup
Sometimes a Sword is Just a Sword   How's My Smoulder?
Blade vs. Van Helsing

The Tortured Gothic Poet Matchup
Mad, Bad, and Dangerous to Know   I Will Write Poetry About You After You're Dead
Lord Byron vs. Edgar Allan Poe

The Creepy Dead Girl Matchup
My Eyes Are Limpid Pools   I've Been Trapped in a Well for Years and I'm Ready to Par-tay
Kayako from The Grudge vs. Sadako from Ringu

The C’mere You Little Zipperneck Matchup
It's True What They Say About the Size of a Man's Neck Bolts   Come Up to the Lab and I'll Show You My Etchings
Frankenstein’s Monster vs. Herman Munster

The Oh Hell No Matchup
You Like Balloon Animals?   I Hope You've Got Plenty of Iodine
Pennywise vs. Pinhead

The Videogame Vixen Matchup
Fighting Zombies in a Miniskirt Takes Skill   Fighting Vampires in a Bikini Makes PERFECT Sense
Alice from Resident Evil vs. Rayne from Bloodrayne

The How About Both, Can I Choose Both Matchup
How YOU Doin'?   There's a Perfectly Good Reason I Never Wear a Shirt
Eric Northman vs. Alcide Herveaux

Leave your choices in the comments (feel free to expand on why you made each choice). And remember…Death is not an option.

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 10 Comments »

10 Responses

  1. Shelly B. in Fredericton Says:

    Bela Lugosi

    Jason Voorhees

    Morticia Adams

    Can I choose both here too? PRETTY PLEASE? (Blade)

    Lord Byron



    Pinhead (Ew, clowns.)


    Yep, gonna have to choose both here again. >-> (Eric)

  2. Jamethiel Says:

    Gary Oldman, because Bela Lugosi was genuinely terrifying and melodrama makes me laugh.

    Jason Voorhees, because Michael Myers dressed as a clown to murder his first sister. AUTOMATIC DISQUALIFICATION.

    Morticia Addams. DUH.

    Oh god. Blade’s pretty, but so sullen. I’ve never seen Van Helsing, but it seems like he might be less sulky than Blade?

    Poe. He may have had TB, but I suspect Byron had syphilis.

    Sadako. But only if I could give her a manicure first.

    Frankenstein’s monster, because the Munsters were not funny ever.

    Pinhead? Clowns freak me out.


    Eric Northman? I don’t know, I closed my eyes and pointed at the screen.

  3. Empress Pam Says:

    Gary Oldman…because I saw that movie 7 times in the theater and left a dizzy hormonal mess. The eyes, the accent. Just, yum

    Jason…I like a man who is outdoorsy

    Morticia…She clearly is the winner because she’s prettier

    Van Helsing…he was just badass and fearless

    Byron…because syphillis is a prettier word to say than tuberculosis


    Frankensteins Monster…more well rounded

    Pinhead…I echo the poster above…clowns…just, no, not ever


    Both…because I want what I want

  4. xJane Says:

    • Gary Oldman
    • Knife to the face (not mine)
    • Morticia Addams
    • VAN HELSING!!! (DH and I did Van Helsing/Anna Valerious one year because he loves his duster and I love Kate Beckinsale)
    • Byron. (to the syphilis/tuberculosis debate, I shall add: syphilis is more fun to catch)
    • Fall asleep watching TV.
    • That really depends on what we’d be doing in bed. Can I go with Young Frankenstein’s Monster? He go some moves!
    • Pinhead.
    • Both!
    • eh. Deferred until I can see a photo where their muscles don’t look like the Governator.

  5. LimeyFish Says:

    Death should totally be an option. You could pick between Death from Discworld or Death from Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey, or between either of the aforementioned Deaths and Death from The Seventh Seal, or any of the aforementioned Deaths and the Death from the Endless pantheon, or between any of the aforementioned Deaths and Cake.

  6. pensive Says:

    ooooh i love this game.

    gary oldman. it would be fun to watch chevalier squirm as i describe sex with his god in excruciating detail. i am a terrible wife, but i’m fun at parties.

    michael myers, because i like the way he pauses to reflect on occasion. rich interior life. also- i’d laugh at the shatner mask, and sex should be funny.

    morticia is a sexy broad, while lily is just looney tunes. no contest.

    blade. if you’d posted the anthony hopkins van helsing things might have gone differently, but if hugh jackman is even so much as bi i will eat my socks after a run. he would be passionless and uninteresting.

    byron. mad, bad, and dangerous to know. sounds good for an evening, and terrible long term.

    sadako, because otherwise i would scream like a little girl.

    herman’s like a giant puppy that could be trained to do tricks. sometimes that is appealing.

    pinhead. oddly, i always found him sexy. it may be the resemblance to billy corgan.

    alice. absolutely.

    difficult, but i’m in the mood for men with facial hair lately. so i go with alcide.

    can we play this game all the time? i love it! may steal this one for my blog, but every matchup will be against an alan rickman character. too much? ; )

  7. Sisifo Says:

    Gary Oldman – pop those shades and that hat off and there’s potential.
    Jason Voorhees – rugged is hotter.
    Lily Munster? I like Yvonne DeCarlo.
    Van Helsing (I’m sorry, but I didn’t have to even think about this one.)
    Lord Byron… I think…?
    Hubs and I think Sadako seems to have a tad more potential. The huge eye thing creeps us both out.
    Frankenstein’s Monster (Munster is in the friend zone with that grin.)
    Having an even harder time with hell. It’s more like hail naw.
    Um, Rayne?
    Alcide resembles the hubs, I’ll take him! Although I’ve never had a blonde before…
    And if Death is an option, I choose (Meet) Joe Black.

  8. Kaitlin Michelle Says:

    Dracula Gary Oldman — he is way sexier than Bela Lugosi
    Jason Voorhees — he seems manlier
    Morticia Addams — she is way hot!
    Van Helsing — no contest.
    Edgar Allan Poe — I think he would be all brooding and romantic, it wouldn’t be until after that he got all crazy, and I don’t want the syph
    Herman Munster — the other Frankie is scary
    Pinhead — He is kind of hot, and I am terrified of clowns!
    Alice from Resident Evil, although it was a hard choice, they are both beautiful.
    Alcide Herveaux…or Eric..

  9. WitchArachne Says:

    Gary Oldman (nom nom nom)

    Jason Voorhees. It seems we (mostly) all agree he’s the manlier option.

    Morticia Addams. Holy hell, yes.

    Van Helsing. Ohmigod yes.

    Lord Byron, simply because I think with his reputation he should be good at it. Plus Poe seems like he’d be scared of everything.

    Sadako. I really want to make a joke about her already being wet but I have too much class for that. Waaaay to much class *nods*

    Frankenstein’s Monster. Herman always sort of creeped me out. He’s like Mr Rogers at Halloween.

    Pinhead. Clowns would creep me out waaaaaaaaaay too much for anything good to come of that little tryst.

    Alice. I mean, come on. It’s Milla Jovovich. This is Leeloo Dallas we’re talking about.

    This was REEAAALY difficult, but I’m going with Alcide coz that facial hair is making me melt all over the keyboard.

    We should definitely play this game more often. I like LimeyFish’s idea about choosing between Deaths as well.

  10. Elois Says:

    They are both gorgeus

    Jason Voorhees…his mask is better

    Morticia Addams…she is so sexy

    Van Helsing…I love this movie more than Blade

    Edgar Allan Poe…

    Sadako from Ringu…

    Frankenstein’s Monster…hi is more original

    Pinhead…hate clowns

    Rayne from Bloodrayne…because she has red hair

    Eric Northman…sexy sexy sexy

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