Spent the last 2 hours whispering “here comes the tickle monster!” to the people that were bench pressing weights at the gym.
— iamyourguy

So many funeral prank possibilities if you outlive your identical twin.
— KenJennings

I’d watch the shit out of a reality show that’s a search for the most pretentious vegan.
— imaliwaller

I didn’t hover round the business end [of my wife’s C-section]. I’m not a fan of innards. What if you go mad and lean forward and dunk a biscuit in them or something?
— Charlie Booker, discussing his child’s recent birth

I always sleep on a sack of knives in case a pillow fight breaks out.
— badbanana

I’m the only one who knows this is a murder mystery dinner
— meganamram

Sometimes when I use tampons I like to pretend that my vagina is knitting a little scarf.
— AinsleyofAttack

The only relationship advice I have for the young ladies out there is this: Find yourself a goofy bastard. Trust me on this.
— Aimee_B_Loved

I wish parents would watch their kids better because my basement is filling up.
— nachosarah

If asked on TV what I’d do if I won $540 mil I wouldn’t say “Quit my job.” I’d look at the camera and say “Society will know soon enough”
— fmarciuliano