One Direction: The reason why we should’ve killed Justin Bieber before he could lay eggs.
— FillWerrall

If you stretch out all the blood vessels in the human body and lay them end to end then you are the slowest serial killer ever you weirdo
— KenJennings

OH MY GOD. I CAN SPIN WEBS. I AM PART SPIDER. I CAN SPIN oh wait that’s a tampon string nevermind.
— IamEnidColeslaw

Bought some vintage furniture today. I guess you could call my style “previously owned by a dead person.”
— hipstermermaid

“Can’t wait until I grow up & inexplicably become a chef at a fancy expensive restaurant!” — every tattooed kid into punk rock in the 1980s
— Apey

Sometimes I hit myself in the face with a pie just so there’s a little comic relief when my life flashes before my eyes.
— badbanana

To figure what your porn star name would be, make a porno, then watch the credits.
— TheNardvark

[Planning] your funeral is the one thing in life you can totally blow off without suffering any consequences.
— Basic Instructions

Some day, god forbid, Oprah will pass away and the cover of O magazine is going to get really creepy.
— MrBigFists

My favorite Tim Burton movie is ‘accidentally going inside a Hot Topic while on drugs.’
— hipstermermaid