I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
— mikeleffingwell

Business Plan:
1. Make a “FREE HUGS!” sign.
2. During the hug, whisper, “But it’s $50 to let go.”
3. Gently press a knife into their side.
— rolldiggity

This Halloween, I’m going to scare everyone I know by texting them “We need to talk.”
— hipstermermaid

People passing out Bibles on campus today.
Took one, acted all flustered that someone had recognized me, signed the inside cover and handed it back with a handshake and said, “Always nice to meet a fan.”
Now it’s worth more.
— leonsbuddydave

Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I AM NOT HITTING SNOOZE WHEN I HEAR THAT.
— vladchoc

So when I do go to yeshiva, I’m going to be there for about six months to a year and I’m hoping that I’ll be able to take a few days off during certain periods to travel to Prague, Rome, Budapest, et cetera. Is there anything that you’d like me to get you (that isn’t a golem)?
I want you to get a solid grasp of Aramaic and use it to film a sequel to the Passion in which Jesus returns to earth, builds an army, marches across the United States, knocks on Mel Gibson’s door and is like, “Not cool, dude.”
— Burgeoning Lads of Science

A spooky story that ends, “…and from that night to this, the radio of that black ’82 Camaro would never play anything…but Danzig.”
— KenJennings

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
— badbanana

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone I’ll look at them shocked and just whisper quietly, “You can see me?”
— homoisa

It says something about my life that it’s a lot easier for me to remember how to spell “Cthulhu” than “Massachusetts.”
— loresjoberg