The Art of Darkness

Death is Not an Option

September 24th, 2012 by Cobwebs

It’s time for another round of Death is Not an Option! The rules, as always, are simple: Given the choice of a pair of people, you have to decide which one you’d sleep with; choosing death instead is not an option. This time we’re looking at movie remakes.

The Hitcher Matchup
The Hitcher Original   The Hitcher Remake
Original vs. Remake

The Fright Night Matchup
Fright Night Original   Fright Night Remake
Original vs. Remake

The When a Stranger Calls Matchup
When a Stranger Calls Original   When a Stranger Calls Remake
Original vs. Remake

The I Am Legend Matchup
I Am Legend Original   I Am Legend Remake
Original vs. Remake

The Mummy Matchup
The Mummy Original   The Mummy Remake
Original vs. Remake

The Bride Matchup
The Bride Original   The Bride Remake
Original vs. Remake

The Psycho Matchup
Psycho Original   Psycho Original
Original vs. Remake

The Wolfman Matchup
The Wolfman Original   The Wolfman Remake
Original vs. Remake

The Cat People Matchup
Cat People Original   Cat People Remake
Original vs. Remake

The Willard Matchup
Willard Original   Willard Remake
Original vs. Remake


Leave your choices in the comments (I suspect at least a couple are going to be pretty easy). And remember…Death is not an option.

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 10 Comments »

10 Responses

  1. xJane Says:

    the Hitcher Matchup: Don’t know this flick, but the guy on the right is clearly Ned Stark and I would tumble in the furs with him, if you know what I mean!

    the Fright Night Matchup: Again, not really sure…is that Dawson on the right? I’m not sure if I should vote for him and acknowledge that I’m a cougar or go with Open-shirt-McGee on the left.

    the When a Stranger Calls Matchup: Right, again. I don’t know any of these people! Actually, homebabe on the left looks like she’s trapped in the Elizabethan Period. I’m good with that.

    WILL FUCKING SMITH!!! I mean, um. the I Am Legend Matchup: I bawled so hard when he killed his dog (um…spoiler alert). Also, fucking WIll Smith. Yes, please!

    the Mummy Matchup: Eh, right, just because he looks slightly less disintegratey. But if he comes apart mid-fur-tumble, I am out of there.

    the Bride Matchup: Left. She’s awesome. Who even is that on the right? They remade the Bride of Frankenstein? With a disappointed-looking baby-face? Huh.

    the Psycho Matchup: Oh, a toughy. I love the guy on the left—and he was psychotic—but the guy on the right can be awesome…just not in this role. Left.

    the Wolfman Matchup: Left. He’s only supposed to look like a wolf after the change.

    the Cat People Matchup: GAHAHAHAHAHA. ::sniff:: I’m sorry, what‽ Both look sufficiently…ahem…catty.

    the Willard Matchup: I’m out of my league again, here. Not sure who Willard is. I choose Will Smith.

  2. pensive Says:

    Love this game.

    Hitcher: Sean Bean. Oh, Sean and your stupid self. Where is my duct tape? *fights off xJane for control of the bearskin*

    Fright Night: Colin and his eyebrows, if they can squeeze in the bed or car or park bench together. Though the CGI of his eyebrows was even more horrid.

    When A Stranger Calls: Maybe I just have a “right side of the page” fetish.

    I Am Legend: Yeah, that’s totally it. Whomever is on my right. Apparently. Homegirl, you give up Bean, and you can keep Will.

    Mummy: What do I have against the left side?

    The Bride: Yay! The left is vindicated! In spades!

    Psycho: Roaring comeback for the Left!

    Wolfman: Cyanide Capsule. Ick.

    Cat People: The girl on the right sure does have a perty mouth. Oh wait, wrong movie.

    Willard: Bruce Davison gets a special shout out for his role in It’s My Party, which makes me bawl like a little girl every single time I think about it. Don’t even need to watch it. But I must confess my undying love for Crispin Hellion Glover. Yes, that is his name. I own this film. And Chevalier likes to mimic his Charlie’s Angels character for me. So I married the right one, and will have to just bone the rest.

  3. pensive Says:

    and I’d also like to point out that I saw the Fright Night remake as a double feature with the Conan remake. Conan was awful, but this newest Resident Evil thing was even worse. Worst of the franchise. Made me sad.

  4. Maven Says:

    Can’t I just choose Rutger Hauer for all of them?

  5. Maven Says:

    OK,
    #1, Rutger.
    #2, I’ll go either…or both. Sammich?
    #3, Oh, Carol Kane just to hear her squeaky voice!
    #4, Gotta go with Vincent
    #5, Sorry Boris, but Arnold Vosloo is hot
    #6, Elsa
    #7, Vince, Tony always squicked me out
    #8, Oh toughie. But since death is not an option, I’ll choose Larry Talbot. ;-)
    #9, Simone Simon just has a pretty mouth.
    #10, Bruce Davidson

  6. Kaitlin Michelle Says:

    The Hitcher, The Fright Night, The When a Stranger Calls, The I Am Legend, The Mummy, The Psycho, and Willard: all remakes, way way sexier.
    The Bride, The Wolfman, The Cat People: all originals.

  7. Sisifo Says:

    1) I’m not picky. I think it will have to come down to who can do a better Scottish accent.
    2) I have a hard time NOT picturing Prince Humperdink from The Princess Bride so I’ll have to go with Colin Farrell. (He already has the accent. Bonus.)
    3) Camilla Belle. I’ve loved her since Practical Magic.
    4) Will Smith. ‘Nuff said.
    5) Remake. I actually thought Imhotep was hot in high school. He was just sorely misunderstood…
    6) They both have these big baby eyes that make me feel uncomfortable. Like a pedophile. I guess original?
    7) I’m going with Vince. I like tall, hairy guys.
    8) I haven’t seen the remake, but I read the novel. (Does that make it worse when it’s a book adapted from a movie and not the other way around?) Benicio. Gesundheit. Bahaha. I’m sure that would get old fast.
    9) I had to do some research on this one. They turn into cats when they’re sexually aroused? Awkward. There’s no hiding that now, is there?
    I guess the second one. She actually looks like a cat so there won’t be much changing going on.
    10) I don’t think I’ve ever even seen a picture of a young Bruce Davison until now. I know Crispin from Charlie’s Angels (creepy thin man!) but seeing them like this… Hm. Bruce. No, Crispin. Oh fetch. Lemme flip a coin. Crispin it is.

  8. pensive Says:

    just realized I have forsaken Rutger Hauer. *puts herself in time out* that was bloody awful of me. he’s so Rutger.

    now if they threaten to remake LadyHawke, I’ll torch the studio.

  9. WitchArachne Says:

    Right. I haven’t seen a lot of these so I’m basing most of it entirely off looks.

    The Hitcher: As much as it pains me to skip on Sean Bean, holy Christ I definitely pick Rutger Hauer. Repeatedly.

    Fright Night: Haven’t seen either of them, but the original guy looks slightly less like he’s going to eat my soul when we’re done, so him.

    When a Stranger Calls: I didn’t even know they’d remade this but the new one’s a lot prettier than the original and I’m a shallow person.

    I am Legend. Aww hell yes I pick Will Smith.

    The Mummy: I’m probably in the minority here, but I think Arnold Vosloo is hot so I’m picking the remake.

    Bride of Frankenstein: They remade this? The new girl looks weird, and slightly like a dude. I like the old one better.

    Psycho: I don’t remember them remaking this either, but Vince Vaughn is a bit of a hottie so I’m picking him. Also I totally need to see this version of it.

    The Wolfman: I really didn’t think I would ever say this, but Benicio del Toro is the better looking guy here.

    Cat People: Again, haven’t seen this one, but the girl on the left is absolutely gorgeous!

    Willard: OK I hadn’t even HEARD of this movie so I googled it. Being a huge fan of rats, I totally need to see this. Based entirely on looks, I’m going with the original. Crispin’s nose just looks a little… off.

  10. Beans Says:

    Originals all the way! Without a doubt and I’m not just saying that either. Although I MIGHT try and sneak back in line for the remake of “Cat People” since the remake is really not like the original. And then of course there’s “The Curse of the Cat People”…

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