I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti, and a future archaeologist will have one awesome day at work.
— JiminyKicksIt

If you do an image search for “Coughing”, you get photos of people performing fellatio on ghosts.
— Cameo Wood (Hat tip to LimeyFish)

i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, u collect it” so i wrote the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”
— fart

I finally learned how to teach my guys to ID the passive voice. If you can insert “by zombies” after the verb, you have passive voice.
— johnsonr

Tampon/pad packaging and advertising is such a wasted opportunity. It’s all flower pink shit, when you could instead feature a bunch of explosions and heavy metal music and slogans along the lines of “CAN YOU BLEED FOR DAYS AT A TIME AND NOT DIE? THEN USE METALBADASSBLOODTEX PADS/TAMPONS, ‘CAUSE THEY’RE AS MUTHERFUCKING HARDCORE AS YOU ARE.”
— lord-kitschener

I bet every recipe for disaster has raisins in it.
— AlshonFubawu

Please, God, never hand me a baby anywhere near a basketball hoop
— longwall26

I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
— GrumpyyCat

dammit owls you KNOW who this is
— donni

In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man doesn’t really have to wear clothes ever.
— KenJennings