When I go out, I always carry a note that says, “THIS WAS NOT AN ACCIDENT”, so the police will have something interesting to do if I die.
— rolldiggity

Christmas toy idea: a Tickle Me Kristen Stewart Doll except when you tickle her she just stares.
— prodigalsam

If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to fuck with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
— GuyEndoreKaiser

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
— ChribHibble

If you want your waiter to be extra attentive, begin your order with “Well, considering this is my final meal…”
— bridger_w

All underwear is edible if you’re willing to persevere.
— mrnickharvey

It’s not a walk of shame if you do a victory lap of their house as you’re leaving.
— Paxochka

If I was a capricious god, every time someone said they had to see a man about a horse, I would make them poop a tiny horse.
— sween

James Bond Coca-Cola? Good idea! For as we all know, his catchphrase is “Coca-Cola: Shaken not-Oh for fuck’s sake it’s all over my tuxedo.”
— MrMichaelSpicer

From now on, I’m only supporting celebrities I think would let me in their mansion during a zombie apocalypse.
— lifeserial