Every Scooby-Doo mystery could be solved by asking, “1: Who is your most disgruntled employee?” and “2: Does he have access to a mask shop?”
— rolldiggity

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
— donni

instead of “thats what she said” start incorporating “thats how my grandma died” in its place
— yogurtpyramid

The meanest criminal ever would send back his last meal, just to ruin one final person’s day.
— GuyEndoreKaiser

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
— Breadery

I would describe my personal style as “this smelled clean.”
— bazecraze

The song “Hush Little Baby” always has me wondering why they’re trying to buy this child’s silence? INFANT, WHAT DID YOU SEE?
— HonestToddler

Worried a serial killer might jump out from behind my shower curtain and start reading Twilight to me.
— owlcity

all you need to know about my thought process is that I recently screamed when I saw a sign on a restaurant that said ENDLESS CRAB LEGS
— aRealLiveGhost

Instead of saying “in bed” at the end of my fortune, I say “but then, a pestilence will come…”
— bazecraze

If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the hospital leaving robots and newspapers from the year 2310 in the rooms of coma patients.
— rolldiggity