Quick! What’s that behind you?? Haha sorry. Just a prank. Made you look! It’s actually rushing at you from the side.
A good reality show would be if we woke up all our coma patients in the ruins of a hospital in an abandoned city.
Spiders crawl into sleeping people’s mouths. People are too busy to go to the dentist. This is when I introduce my new idea: Dentist spiders
Science fiction movies, why do you think any one-syllable word can be a street drug. Blip. Crust. Ham. Stork. Greg.
sometimes i cry when i chop vegetables other than onions, just so the onions don’t think they’re ugly or something
If you pull a lizard’s tail off, it will grow back. If you pull it off again, the lizard will be like “dude.”
I’ve woken up looking like the imaginary friend of a particularly disturbed child.
Pretty unfair that sharks get a whole week and vampires only get a weekend.
A ghost walks into a bar. The bartender says “I feel cold.” The ghost lingers for years. The bartender grows despondent, lost.
“Hi?” -First cow being milked