Just once I’d like to see someone coolly walking away from an explosion walk right into a spider web.
— yoyoha

Everyone says they want a fairy tale wedding. But as soon as I show up and curse their baby I’m “out of line”.
— YourKyness

It’s really a lack of imagination that makes children check under the bed. Like the monsters couldn’t be floating invisibly just above you?
— NightValeRadio

Anyone else getting sick of their dad constantly bragging that the Zodiac Killer was never caught?
— rolldiggity

Actually I would love to try cauliflower but it looks like broccoli’s ghost and I don’t eat haunted foods.
— HonestToddler

I can’t believe there was ever a time when I didn’t understand why Charlie Bucket’s grandparents stayed in bed for twenty years.
— DJRotaryRachel

I like how Dracula wore a bow tie. Didn’t need to. Did so anyway, even without the help of a mirror. That’s class.
— badbanana

They Found Her Earring In Your Car, Charlie Brown
— pattymo

I want the word pizza tattooed on my arm in Japanese, people will think its something deep & emotional but really it just says pizza
— iphone420s

If my Ouija board keeps saying “ANYBODY WANT A PEANUT” is it Andre the Giant or just some asshole ghost doing Princess Bride quotes
— KenJennings