When you see an old lady whose dog is wearing clothes, a fun thing to ask her is how long ago the evil wizard turned her husband into a dog.
— KenJennings

Once again, the World’s Oldest Living Person has died– Serial killer?
— kellyoxford

If you found out you were dying would you be nicer, love more, try something new?
Well, you are.
We all are.
— shanethevein

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
— ceejoyner

“The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be… AWESOME! Watch me shoot lightning FROM MY HANDS.” ―Palpatine
— DeathStarPR

He died doing what he loved: revealing his evil plans while I unlocked my handcuffs
— briangaar

Lets take a moment and thank God that spiders can’t fly.
— OhMrWonka

We are the livestock of plants and trees, which feed us and give us air knowing that we will soon die and feed them.
— NightValeRadio

1. Dress as puppet. 2. Stand in elevator with strings running from your limbs to ceiling. 3. Whisper, “Help me…” as other passengers enter
— rolldiggity

“JEFFREY ALLEN MCINTOSH! IF YOU DON’T GET IN THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL GET WERNER HERZOG TO STARE AT YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP!”
— sween