at this point we should declare Waldo legally dead and move on with our lives
— lawblob

I bet anyone who’s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
— nachosarah

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
— lafix

every year you pass your birthday and know that you were born that day but every year you pass your death day and have no clue
— iphone420s

fact: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
— egg_dog

You can’t get blood from a turnip. You need blood? I can totally get you some blood. Set the turnip down and follow me to the blood.
— NightValeRadio

I’ll know we’ve reached a new era of equality when my daughter is afraid of the boogiewoman under her bed.
— juliussharpe

Siri do Duckburg nativity scenes have an egg in the middle?
— wonderella

As a mortician, I always tie the shoelaces together of the dead. Cause if there is ever a zombie apocalypse, it will be hilarious.
— CalebWilde

A fun way to meet new people is to stand on the edge of a public bridge, shaking a baby stroller upside down over the side.
— rolldiggity