As terrifying as being attacked by a mugger would be, it’s not often that you get an excuse to try to blind someone
Next time your kid won’t eat carrots, scream: “Snowmen had to DIE for this meal!”
“It’s A Wonderful Life” would be WAY darker if when George sees life without him, there’s 30 kids alive in town who had died mysteriously.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Heads will roll. Torsos will kind of roll. Limbs will roll a short distance. Jawbones just kind of hit the ground & flip once.
The worst thing about losing your glasses is having to drive to work with your head out of the window, beeping like a bat.
The worst thing about the 1978 Lord of the Rings cartoon is how they plan to destroy the ring by melting it in fondue.
My daughter’s fortune cookie was empty and now we’re all sitting around waiting for her to die.
For me, “You can’t please everyone” isn’t a lament or an excuse. It’s a mission statement.
‘Better than Laurie Strode’ probably isn’t the best way to market my skills as a babysitter.