The Art of Darkness


April 29th, 2015 by Cobwebs

Cory O’Brien, who writes the marvelous Myths RETOLD, took to Twitter with a series of “quick myths.” Behold:

CINDERELLA: Some girl crashes a bunch of parties and then gets married. #quickmyths

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Girl falls in love with prince and they get married. This would not be a story except dude is ugly. #quickmyths

THE FROG PRINCE: Princess murders sassy talking frog, is rewarded with marriage. #quickmyths

EVERY FAIRYTALE: Something something something marriage. #quickmyths

PERSEPHONE IN HADES: Girl is kidnapped. Mother gets to share custody with kidnapper because of fruit. #quickmyths

APOLLO AND DAPHNE: Man sees woman. Man gets wood. Woman becomes wood. #quickmyths

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS: Three homeowners are audited for unsafe building practices. Two are eaten. #quickmyths

SNOW WHITE: Dumb girl chokes on apple, marries first guy who knows the Heimlich maneuver. #quickmyths (thanks @shannamann)

HERCULES: Dude punches every animal in the world, then dies of a wardrobe malfunction. #quickmyths

THE ODYSSEY: Dude bangs half the Mediterranean, kills the other half, then goes home to his wife. Best. Road trip. Ever. #quickmyths

THESEUS AND THE MINOTAUR: Dude uses a sword and a ball of twine to kill the last surviving member of an endangered species. #quickmyths

KING MIDAS: Dude gains the ability to transmute matter into gold. Conspicuously fails to become a supervillain. #quickmyths

These definitely cut right to the heart of the myth.

There are plenty more that he didn’t cover:

MEDUSA: Priestess forsakes her vows, is punished with a really bad hairdo.

JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS: A bunch of men never stop to ask for directions.

CRONUS: Dude can’t tell the difference between a baby and a rock, winds up in a very deep hole.

Got any others? Share ’em in the comments!

Posted in Funny Peculiar | 7 Comments »

7 Responses

  1. Cat Says:

    HANSEL AND GRETEL: Old woman murdered, robbed, in home invasion.

  2. xJane Says:

    I am…pretty sure…that is not the twitter link you’re looking for.

    Loving your Jason & Argonauts.

    SLEEPING BEAUTY: Stepmom with Œdipal complex tries to kill stepkid. Fails. Kid gets married.

    BEOWULF: Kid who just wants to party gets killed. Then his mom does, too. Murderers rejoice.

  3. Devries Says:

    David and Goliath:
    Big Guy Gets Stoned

  4. Devries Says:

    Kills Snake, Turns on Lights

  5. Devries Says:

    Fights With Dad, Gets Own Place

  6. Devries Says:

    Redistributation of wealth

  7. Devries Says:

    Board By The Status Quo.

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