There’s a really great article about you in tomorrow’s paper. Nice photo of you on the front page too. Wish you’d be able to see it.
— NightValeRadio

I am rubber and you are glue. We used to be people, but we angered a witch.
— donni

If your grave doesn’t say “rest in peace” on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war
— dril

The most powerful man in the forest is the lumberjack who decides which trees become guitars and which trees become toilet paper.
— markhoppus

Next time your roommate texts you to keep it down respond with “I’m not home right now…” just to give them some perspective.
— madamezooble

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
— JermHimselfish

A big difference between childhood and adulthood is how much time you spend telling ladybugs their house is on fire.
— rolldiggity

For fun, you look through the wrong end of the binoculars. Very far away, it seems, there is a man reaching for something with gloved hands.
— NightValeRadio

Willy Wonka is the best movie about cheering on child murder
— briangaar

I want to defend a penguin in court just so I can say, “Your Honor. My client is clearly not a flight risk.”
— trevso_electric